Wonkette

After an exciting day of voting, the Senate has voted in favor of the new FISA surveillance bill, 69-28, and George Bush will now sign it into law in his secret masturbatorium. MORE »

• JIM WEBB WILL BE VICE PRESIDENT OF NOTHING: Ulster Scot fur-trading frontiersman Sen. Jim Webb has been a frequently mentioned vice presidential possibility for Barack Obama, because he is white and was in the Army for a while. Today, however, he effectively withdrew his name from contention in a statement about how much he luvs the Senate. This means Obama must choose him! [The Page]

For a whole week or two, people have been wondering who Barack Obama might select as his running mate — and for many of you Hollywood Liberal Elites, nothing gets your shorts creamier than the thought of charming southern redneck Jim Webb and all the hilarious “White guy drives like this, black guy drives like this” jokes an Obama/Webb ticket would invite. But now people are waking up and realizing this would be the worst idea ever, second only to the Dallas season 9 cliffhanger and possibly New Coke. MORE »

All you ladies and gents wetting your pants over ginger-topped Appalachian porn scribe Jim Webb maybe becoming America’s next vice president, cross your legs and think on this for a moment: he might have too many desirable qualities to ever take the job. You see, just as Rambo would have made a horrible president on account of his skull-knockin’ tendencies, so would Jim Webb, “the thinking man’s Rambo,” make a horrible vice president. MORE »

CRAZY JIM WEBB WON’T NOT BE VEEP: Gun-nut Senator Jim Webb refuses to refuse accepting a vice-president nomination, presumably from Obama, but possibly from fellow Republican crazy Vietnam vet John McCain. [MTV News]

Senate Demrats are working overtime during Congress’ month-long winter recess, because if they don’t, Bush will appoint all kinds of Crazy to all sorts of important positions sans approval. Not that the fetus-eating Demrats would be celebrating a good Christian holiday like Christmas anyway, so they have plenty of time to go in, bang the gavel, maybe take a shit on paid time, and leave. No, seriously, that’s pretty much what’s happening. MORE »

This week, Chuck Norris, Jim Webb, Karl Rove, David Gregory, and Helen Thomas were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump.

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Republicans have “re-branded” themselves as the party of simpering pansies, forcing Democrats to sack up and occasionally act like men.

The big scary NFL quarterback on the left is new congressman Heath Shuler, D-Southern football monster, while the chirping dandy on the right is far-right draft-dodging Texas representative Louis Gohmert, who was skipping past Shuler’s offices Wednesday night when he saw something he wanted: a sign illustrating the deficit and how deep we’re all in the hole.

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Armed nut Jim Webb is a senator now, so he basically ignores all laws in DC just like the rest of them. Virginia’s own Charles Bronson finally admitted he owns the gun that one of his mercenary aides tried to sneak inside the Capitol way back in March. But Webb refused to “talk about whether he complies with the District of Columbia handgun ban.” MORE »

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas — In a desperate and cynical attempt to get some attention for his utterly forgotten campaign for the GOP nomination, former Governor Mike Huckabee pulled a Jim Webb on his own son and sent young David Huckabee through airport security with a LOADED HANDGUN. MORE »

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today’s Cartoons.

Of course, we don’t mind it if political cartoonists take certain … liberties with things. We know that Bill Clinton doesn’t really always have lipstick on his collar, for instance, and that Hillary Clinton doesn’t really wear dominatrix gear, at least not at campaign events. These are less lies than symbolic overrepresentation in the service of a higher truth.

Sometimes, though, political cartoons present us with out-and-out falsehoods, vile lies that subvert the very notion of truth, and this we cannot allow to stand. This week, Cartoon Violence pulls aside the curtain and reveals this fraudulent scribblers for what they are.

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* Heard on the Hill: Marsha Blackburn’s daughter wants to be something called the “Oyster Easter Queen.” … Jon Voight spotted outside the offices of Norm Coleman flossing… House Foreign Affairs Committee craigslist ad: fake! [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Barbara Harrison said “shit” on the tv the other night. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Max Baucus swung into action when a staffer became ill and, uh, helped call 911 and get water and stuff… Borat’s gonna be at WHCA dinner. [Examiner]
* Shenanigans: The Webb gun thing might affect DC voting rights or something… Al Franken needs your money. [Politico]

Aren’t you glad George Allen lost his senate seat for calling Jim Webb’s Indian guy a Tunisian monkey in Italian or something? Yes, Macaca George was a racist dingbat in love with a prop football and slavery, but he wasn’t a heavily armed lunatic.

The emerging and evolving story of Webb’s aide being arrested and jailed for trying to sneak a loaded handgun and tons of ammo into the Russell Senate Office building is starting to sound like a hilarious outtake from “Pulp Fiction.” Yesterday we learned that Webb and his ninja gunmen had sacks of weapons when they showed up at National airport, so Webb was forced to leave his guns with the staffers for his flight to Beirut or wherever, and then there were guns everywhere and nobody was keeping track and next thing you know this former Marine has put one of Webb’s loaded semi-automatic pistols (or maybe even a Micro Uzi) in a briefcase — along with two fully loaded extra magazines — through the X-Ray machine and the Capitol cops lock him up.

Read Webb’s delusional Conrad Burns-esque excuses, after the jump.

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* Gonzo makes it through almost three minutes of questions from the press today. [The Swamp]
* John McCain still proud of McCain-Feingold, can’t remember back any further. [Captain's Quarters]
* National ballistic missile defense made out of sugar cubes. [C&L]
* Al Qaeda’s intellectual property is safe with Google. [Jawa Report]
* Duncan Hunter has someone write a blawg post for him. [Blogs for Bush]
* Jim Webb “was BORN FIGHTING and will CHOKE A BITCH if need be.” [DCeiver]