Tag Archives: jim hoft

  'Heartbreaking' Is Bad Now?

Four Marines Murdered By ISIS, Or Maybe Just Lone Wolf With Muslimy Name, Who Knows?

Four people were murdered, and another three injured, at two military sites in Chattanooga, Tennessee, on Thursday, by a man identified by the FBI as Mohammod Youssuf Abdulazeez. The FBI cautioned that “it would be premature to speculate on the motives of the shooter at this time,” but come ON, just look at that name, would ya? What more do you need to know? Read more on Four Marines Murdered By ISIS, Or Maybe Just Lone Wolf With Muslimy Name, Who Knows?…
  Bow down bitches

Caitlyn Jenner Is Not Afraid Of You And She Will Beat Your Ass, Backwards, In Heels

Bow down bitches
Wednesday night, Caitlyn Jenner received the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the ESPYs, and for any activist out there worried about things like “oh, she’s white and rich and privileged and a Republican blah blah blah, who’s going to tell the REAL STORIES?!?!” (looking at you, TWITTER), we think those worries are unfounded. She KILLED IT. She looked stunning in Versace, whether you think she favors Jessica Lange or a healthier Janice Dickinson. And she was very clear about the fact that she understands that with her huge platform comes even huger responsibilities. Read more on Caitlyn Jenner Is Not Afraid Of You And She Will Beat Your Ass, Backwards, In Heels…
  Semiotics For Dummies

Stupid Man On Internet Says Commie Pope Loves Bolivian Commie Crucifix, Is Communist

Evo, you troll
Former Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft (now demoted to merely a Stupid Man) made a pretty strong bid to regain his title Thursday with a seriously dumb post pointing out that Pope Francis smiled — the commie jerk! — as Bolivian President Evo Morales handed him a gift of a crucifix depicting Christ on a hammer and sickle: Read more on Stupid Man On Internet Says Commie Pope Loves Bolivian Commie Crucifix, Is Communist…
  just kidding they're all racist assholes

Wingnuts React To Charleston Church Shooting With Thoughtful Gravitas We’ve Come To Expect

Unlike wingnuts, that ugly dog is actually lovable.
Our headline is a flat-out lie. Wednesday night in Charleston, a white gunman identified as Dylann Storm Roof allegedly sat and prayed with black churchgoers at a bible study for an hour, and then opened fire, killing nine people, including the pastor, Clementa Pinckney, who was also a South Carolina state senator. As he continued to shoot, a survivor reports that Roof said, “I have to do it. You rape our women and you’re taking over our country. And you have to go.” Unless this particular church has a reputation for raping our women and taking over our country, that sure sounds like a hate crime, and we don’t mean against Christians. Read more on Wingnuts React To Charleston Church Shooting With Thoughtful Gravitas We’ve Come To Expect…
  Adventures in being a total fuckup

Maybe Rand Paul Didn’t F*ck Up Guardian Interview, Is Still A Dick Anyway

You see this guy asking me questions? How dare he?
The Twitter, it is outraged at Serious Presidential Candidate Rand Paul, who is a dick, for doing another dick thing. According to the internet, which is always correct, Rand Paul had a full-on meltdown temper tantrum at Guardian reporter Paul Lewis, who was just trying to get him to answer a gotcha question about his support for criminal justice reform. How will that play with all the racist fundamentalist fucknozzle Iowans he needs to pander to win the Republican nomination to lose to Hillary Clinton? But did Rand Paul, who is a dick, actually act like a dick this time? Some say yea, some say nay. Let us Do Journalism, by watching a video and deciding for ourselves! Read more on Maybe Rand Paul Didn’t F*ck Up Guardian Interview, Is Still A Dick Anyway…
  What About Hitler? Is She Hitler Too?

Wingnuts Just Asking: Is Hillary Clinton A Violent Spouse Abuser? And A Lizard Person?

She's coming for YOU. And YOU. And YOU.
Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet Kristinn Taylor is simply asking a simple question: Aren’t Democrats the worst hypocrites ever for even considering nominating Hillary Clinton for president, given the undisputable fact that a new book alleges that she is a “violent spouse abuser”? Read more on Wingnuts Just Asking: Is Hillary Clinton A Violent Spouse Abuser? And A Lizard Person?…
  Easter: A Time For Airing Grievances

Obama Stomps All Over Jesus At Easter Prayer Breakfast, Wingnuts Outraged

Here's the Atheist Muslim Secularist quoting Jesus again
Oh, dear, there goes Barack Obama again, attacking all of Christendom with an unspeakable slur! A few weeks back he offended all decent Christians by saying historically accurate things about the Crusades and slavery to note that bad things are sometimes done in the name of religion, even though they violate the tenets of those religions — clear code for “I like ISIS a whole lot!” Now he’s gone and profaned the Risen Lord by slagging on all of Christendom at a post-Easter “Easter Prayer Breakfast” held Tuesday morning. Just how horrible was the slur against Christians that Obama delivered? Just take a look at this hed at Gateway Pundit, where Jim Hoft continues his desperate bid to regain his crown as Stupidest Man on the Internet: Read more on Obama Stomps All Over Jesus At Easter Prayer Breakfast, Wingnuts Outraged…
  MOAR NICE TIME!

Here Are Barack And Michelle Obama On Television, So Probably Someone Is Mad About That

Barack “Barry Bamz Obummer the Kenyan” Obama went on the Jimmy Kimmel program to do that segment Jimmy sometimes does, where celebrities read all the mean and nasty things Twitter says about them, even though really, the ones they picked out are not all THAT mean, probably because Obama thinks he’s president or something, despite Tom Cotton’s clear explanation to the Iranians that Obama is NOT PRESIDENT. Read more on Here Are Barack And Michelle Obama On Television, So Probably Someone Is Mad About That…
  the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit

Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire

Happy sixth birthday to the Tea Party! Okay we’re a little late here, as the big day was in the middle of last week. We have just been so busy writing about all the insane horseshit you teabaggers have unleashed on our politics that we forgot to stop for a minute and appreciate the six years of joy you have brought us, with your whining and hollering and dressing up in leftover costumes from our first-grade play about the Founding Fathers. Read more on Happy Birthday, Tea Party! Now Die In A Fire…
  Isolated Insolents

Fox News Can’t Remember Any Rightwing Terror Attacks. We’re Here To Help

All terrorists are leftwing. That's just a given!
Fox News’s The Five had a little memory problem Monday, accusing the Department of Homeland Security of completely imagining that rightwing extremists pose any threat to U.S. Americans, because as we all know, the only real terrorists are the Islamic ones. Most of the panel dismissed the DHS’s recent report on the threat from “Sovereign Citizens” and other far-right groups as a pathetic attempt to avoid offending Muslims by pretending that anyone else does terrorism in U.S. America. Read more on Fox News Can’t Remember Any Rightwing Terror Attacks. We’re Here To Help…
  The Once And Future King Of Derp

Obama Will Force Priests To ‘Bortion Anchor Babies, Says Noted Idiot Jim Hoft

Jim Hoft
Last year, mop-topped pus bubble Jim Hoft lost his coveted Stupidest Man on the Internet title to alpha male newcomer Chuck Johnson. Yr Wonket is pleased to see that Hoft is mounting a determined campaign to regain his tin crown, and if he keeps churning out ledes like this one, he’ll be back on top in no time. True champions use adversity as motivation, and if the right-wing id has a true champion, it’s definitely Jim fuckin’ Hoft. Read more on Obama Will Force Priests To ‘Bortion Anchor Babies, Says Noted Idiot Jim Hoft…
  Best damn Elizabeth Warren ever

Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh

How much do we heart the senator and perfessor of Massachusetts, the greatest and bestest Elizabeth Warren who ever Elizabeth Warrened? Pretty much all. Sure, there are a few — a very few — non-Elizabeth Warrens in the Senate who aren’t too bad for being non-Elizabeth Warrens. Bernie Sanders, the socialist senator from Vermont, isn’t too bad at badassing and makes a mighty fine runner-up for 2014 Legislative Badass. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Is Our 2014 Legislative Badass Of The Year, Obviously Duh…
  king of pain

2014: The Year The Stupidest Man On The Internet Handed Off His Aluminum Crown

Let heavenly choirs sing songs of joy! Let earthly men tremble on their knees! For we have seen the glory of Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, handing off his crown (the one that says “Stupidest Man on the Internet,” DO try to keep up!) to the pure, righteous, fuckin’ dumb that is New Blogger on the Block Chuck C. Johnson. Let us rejoice and be glad! Read more on 2014: The Year The Stupidest Man On The Internet Handed Off His Aluminum Crown…
  Two-Fisted Tales

Darren Wilson Pretty Sure Mike Brown Had Mutant Supervillain Powers

Just to clarify: Hulk not supervillian. Hulk just misunderstood
After months of no information at all, and a grand jury process where the prosecuting attorney put on the best possible defense of Ferguson Police Officer Darren Wilson, we finally got a document dump of all the testimony presented to the grand jury and had a chance to see, for the first time, Darren Wilson’s own testimony of what happened. And what happened was that he was attacked by a mutant supervillian. Read more on Darren Wilson Pretty Sure Mike Brown Had Mutant Supervillain Powers…
  aye yai yai!

Evil Obama Planned To Send Secret Messages To Browns Only

Still the worst
Thank goodness for the wingnuts, who are keeping tabs on El Jefe Barack de la Martinez Diaz Obama and his conspiracy with the racists of La Raza to stealthily send hordes of brown people to conquer America while all the godly white people are distracted by their NASCAR and their Serial podcasts. Otherwise Obama would just quietly announce his new executive action on immigration to the dusky-hued masses, and no one of importance would notice! Read more on Evil Obama Planned To Send Secret Messages To Browns Only…
  Infectious Unease Vectors

Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola

How odd that a volunteer for Doctors Without Borders isn't a Republican
Since Barack Obama stubbornly insists on listening to public health experts instead of Fox News, it’s become quite clear that wingnuts’ favored non-solution, a ban on travel from West Africa, isn’t going to happen. Happily, a few governors figured out that even if they can’t ban travel, they can impose a quarantine order on people who have been in West Africa, so now it’s time to scoop up people with no Ebola symptoms and isolate them all for 21 days. Read more on Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola…