Tag Archives: jim demint

  free internet porn is the worst

Senate Banking Committee Treats JP Morgan Chief Jamie Dimon to Luxury Tongue Bath

The Senate Banking Committee ordered Wall Street fuck-up and J.P. Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon to testify Wednesday on how his bank managed to turn over $2 billion into poop and whether this latest round of derivative market gambles equivalent to staking money on Peggy Noonan’s sobriety should, in fact, necessitate a few moderate regulations to prevent such things in future. Just kidding, please drug test yourself immediately for meth if you thought this would happen. Famous idiot Senator Jim DeMint used Dimon’s visit to hold a whiny losers support group meeting. “We can hardly sit in judgement of your losing $2 billion,” said DeMint. “We lose twice that every day here in Washington and plan to continue to do that every day.” Did we say support group? We meant a slippery, wrinkled white orgy, and that was foreplay. We discourage you from reading the following filth on a work computer. Read more on Senate Banking Committee Treats JP Morgan Chief Jamie Dimon to Luxury Tongue Bath…
  the world's greatest deliberative body

It’s Farm Bill Time, And All Amendments Are Perfectly Reasonable & Germane

It’s farm bill time in the Senate, with the draft bill out of committee, debate open, and hundreds of amendments pouring in, all lined up just in time beat the June 30 deadline! The way they used to resolve all of these competing amendments and regional interests and endless lobbyist demands in the end was pretty simple — pay everyone off, and then pay them off again. But this time it’s an election year, the Senate is broken beyond repair, Rand Paul exists, and everyone thinks a few perfunctory budget cuts will make the Senate look like a responsible custodian of the nation’s well-being. What we’re getting around to is that there may be some grandstanding — yes, we went there — in the World’s Greatest Deliberative Body over the next couple of weeks. Let’s check out but a smattering of the ~200 amendments that are very important to American agriculture and have a reasonable chance of passing instead of just wasting everyone’s time! Read more on It’s Farm Bill Time, And All Amendments Are Perfectly Reasonable & Germane…
  now taking bets

Hawt Lindsey Graham-Jim DeMint Smackdown Basically Imminent

Lame non-magical toad wart Jim DeMint just lives to annoy fellow South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, doesn’t he? Jim DeMint ruined Lindsey Graham’s dreams of a GOP Senate majority, refused to allocate funding for some local science project that ol’ Ham Biscuits desperately wanted and then voted against Lindsey’s beloved “China you suck” bill to punish China for its currency devaluation. Neener! But because Jim DeMint can never be irritating enough, he led a Senate rebellion Tuesday against a Lindsey Graham co-sponsored amendment to reauthorize the Export-Import Bank, which caused the amendment to fail with DeMint noting that Lindsey Graham is basically a socialist. Fight fight fight! Read more on Hawt Lindsey Graham-Jim DeMint Smackdown Basically Imminent…
  it's morning in america

Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor

Glenn Beck’s contract with Fox News expires in December, and you know what that means: George Soros is a scheming Puppet Master and/or Jew. Wait, no! It means Glenn Beck’s teevee chalkboard lessons and Cash4Gold infomercials will probably be canceled, since only the cream of the crazy milk watches his show anymore. But people familiar with Glenn Beck’s darkest thoughts say that he is plotting his own teevee network — something resembling The History Channel, except more Nazi UFO documentaries. Beck already has a media company — Mercury Radio Arts, named after Orson Welles’ Mercury Theatre, geezus — but that’s only for radio and the Internets and his traveling circus shows. Here is how America’s leading “liberal” pay-per-view newspaper ends its muckraking piece of journalism: “Mr. Beck is ‘not Oprah yet.'” Haunting words. [NYT] Read more on Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor… Read more on Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor…
  banquets and such

Jim DeMint Also May Run For President of Losing To Obama

U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint’s keynote speech next month to an Iowa forum for Republican presidential candidates has fueled hopes among some evangelicals and conservative activists that the South Carolinian will launch a White House run. Read more on Jim DeMint Also May Run For President of Losing To Obama…
  do it yourself dick

UPDATED: Jim DeMint Continues Reign As King Obstructionist

Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) will force readings of both a nuclear arms treaty and $1.1 trillion spending bill that could eat up hours of the remaining lame-duck Congress. DeMint will invoke a senatorial privilege to ask that texts of both the New START Treaty and the 2011 omnibus spending bill be read aloud on the Senate floor. Read more on UPDATED: Jim DeMint Continues Reign As King Obstructionist…
  fierce

Senate Going To Try To Vote On DADT Today, Or Maybe March 27, 2019

Harry Reid is going to finally try to get a cloture vote passed to be able to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell today some day soon, at long last, but there’s a very good chance it will fail, because our modern democracy is so advanced that it doesn’t work and can’t rule on matters of basic equality. Gay-loving Republicans Scott Brown, Susan Collins, and John Ensign are said to want to vote for repeal. But Collins said she won’t vote for cloture because she thinks the Senate should have a lot of time to stick a bunch of amendments into this thing like they always do. Reid doesn’t want to agree to this because he doesn’t want Jim DeMint or whoever to say a bunch of mean things about gays on the Senate floor. Harry Reid must hate funny YouTube videos of Jim DeMint that would embarrass his descendants for millennia. Read more on Senate Going To Try To Vote On DADT Today, Or Maybe March 27, 2019…
  it's morning in america

America Remembers Handsome, Murdered President

John F. Kennedy was assassinated forty-seven years ago today. Where were you when you read The Warren Report, and then laughed? We will probably never know if H. L. Hunt hired Blackwater to shoot JFK in the head, but most people reject the Oswald conspiracy theories and have accepted that President Handsomepants’ violent murder was just another routine CIA hit job. Sarah Palin says that John Kennedy betrayed his religion, so maybe Jesus was the guy with the gun at the Grassy Knoll? We simply do not know. Many equate JFK’s assassination with the End of America’s Innocence. Apparently everyone still had a super clean conscience in 1963, even after we dropped all those atomic bombs. [Voice of America/The Atlantic] Read more on America Remembers Handsome, Murdered President… Read more on America Remembers Handsome, Murdered President…
  needs more ham biscuits

Everyone In GOP Mad At Jim DeMint For Losing Senate

The Republican Party has taken a step back from their sweeping victory in America’s ultimate, #1, super repudiation of big government to wonder why, in fact, they didn’t take control of BOTH halves of our two-headed legislative branch; the answer to this conundrum can only be that Jim DeMint is a stupid face. Jim DeMint, you see, gave out all his money (you cannot beat a Daoist by spending money) to Teabagger candidates who went on to win primaries, and then a whole bunch of these people lost in the general election despite being loveably insane. If the party hadn’t nominated complete crazies in Nevada, Delaware, and Colorado, the thinking goes, they could at least have split the Senate. Of course, the natural response to this argument is that Republican candidates were not crazy enough. Read more on Everyone In GOP Mad At Jim DeMint For Losing Senate…
  yeah jim's not feeling this bill so yeah

Jim DeMint E-mails Senate Staffs To Let Them Know He Runs Country Now

All legislation must now be cleared with America’s Dad Jim DeMint first or else he will shut down the Senate, according to an e-mail sent to Senate chiefs of staff today. And so we have another example of Jim DeMint trying to out-Republican everyone else, this time in terms of obstructing bills. Senate rules were specifically written by our founding fathers so that Jim DeMint could stop each and every bill that comes before the legislative body, and their disintegrating patriot skulls must be smiling in their graves right now, because their oracle has at last come true: Our country is now run through Jim DeMint. Read more on Jim DeMint E-mails Senate Staffs To Let Them Know He Runs Country Now…
  uppity women

Lisa Murkowski Constantly Making Jim DeMint Cry Like a Little Baby

Lisa Murkowski is the world’s biggest loser/jerk-off for not volunteering to work fifty hours a week as an unpaid intern for Joe Miller’s Senate campaign. And now for some reason Lisa Murkowski gets to keep her seat on her important Energy Committee, even though Jim DeMint said she wasn’t allowed to. Aren’t women supposed to have good manners and submit graciously to what Jim DeMint and other southern men tell them? This is the question Jim DeMint whispers to himself all day long, as he sends out spam email to all his Teabagger friends about Lisa Murkowski’s rudeness. Read more on Lisa Murkowski Constantly Making Jim DeMint Cry Like a Little Baby…
  mr. popular

Mitch McConnell Announces He Will Be Senate Party Leader 4 Life

HE HAS THE VOTES. In the musical that will be made about Mitch McConnell’s life, this will be one of the songs: “He Has the Votes.” It will be a neo-Negro-spiritual song. YES, Mitch McConnell said he’s already locked up the votes to keep his minority (MAJORITY?) leader job in the next Congress, so you journalists will have to find something else to ask Rand Paul about. Read more on Mitch McConnell Announces He Will Be Senate Party Leader 4 Life…
  america's philosopher king

Alvin Greene Finally Lowers Himself To Your Puny Concept of Campaigning

Jedi master Alvin Greene has destroyed his political opposition by not destroying his political opposition, and has accomplished more by simply sitting in peace and mindfulness than the most powerful campaign machine has accomplished with the usual clumsy blunt force tactics of “fund raising” and “advertising.” But who is the bigger fool? The fool, or the fool who follows him? Watch in amazement as Alvin Greene does that which he once renounced through Not Doing. Read more on Alvin Greene Finally Lowers Himself To Your Puny Concept of Campaigning…
  who is contented has wealth

Finances Have Come To Alvin Greene

The latest fundraising figures are in (and by “in,” we mean somebody called Alvin), and it appears a thousand dollars have come to Alvin Greene so far in his lack of a campaign. That’s 1/3500 the amount his opponent Jim DeMint has actively raised, which is an action out of step with The Way. It’s distressing, though, that people have donated any money to Alvin. It won’t hurt him, but those people need to realize one shouldn’t pluck one’s hair out for another. Read more on Finances Have Come To Alvin Greene…
  he must stand like stone

Coming Soon To the American Economic Recovery: Alvin Greene Action Figures

Alvin Greene Mania has swept Britain! Today The Guardian has their very own profile of one British reporter’s pilgrimage to the hovel of South Carolina Daoist monk Alvin Greene. It is accompanied by a nice photo of Greene talking on the phone with your Wonkette (probably) while he’s writing koans with a simple pencil. The big news in this story is that Alvin Greene has an enigmatic and wise solution “for jobs”—making Alvin Greene action (inaction) figures. It is an incredible quote. Read more on Coming Soon To the American Economic Recovery: Alvin Greene Action Figures…
  turtle kid

THEY CALLED HIM ‘TURTLE’: Your Alvin Greene Roundup For Tuesday, July 6

Today the AP has a story about Greene (who, you will remember, is the South Carolina Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate and a practicing Daoist monk) with the BIG REVEAL that he was nicknamed “Turtle” in high school, according to his tennis coach, because yes, Alvin Greene was the only black kid on the high school tennis team. She “barely recalls” Greene (“A leader is best when people barely know that he exists”—Ch. 17, DDJ) and said “he wasn’t outgoing and he was picked on unmercifully.” But as somebody acutely more enlightened than the lesser beings who bullied him, Greene likely couldn’t even sense it. If he could, it probably amused him that such people were so unnerved by a simple lack of chit chat on his part. Read more on THEY CALLED HIM ‘TURTLE’: Your Alvin Greene Roundup For Tuesday, July 6… Read more on THEY CALLED HIM ‘TURTLE’: Your Alvin Greene Roundup For Tuesday, July 6…