Tag Archives: jim demint

  fierce

Senate Going To Try To Vote On DADT Today, Or Maybe March 27, 2019

Harry Reid is going to finally try to get a cloture vote passed to be able to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell today some day soon, at long last, but there’s a very good chance it will fail, because our modern democracy is so advanced that it doesn’t work and can’t rule on matters of basic equality. Gay-loving Republicans Scott Brown, Susan Collins, and John Ensign are said to want to vote for repeal. But Collins said she won’t vote for cloture because she thinks the Senate should have a lot of time to stick a bunch of amendments into this thing like they always do. Reid doesn’t want to agree to this because he doesn’t want Jim DeMint or whoever to say a bunch of mean things about gays on the Senate floor. Harry Reid must hate funny YouTube videos of Jim DeMint that would embarrass his descendants for millennia. Read more on Senate Going To Try To Vote On DADT Today, Or Maybe March 27, 2019…
  it's morning in america

America Remembers Handsome, Murdered President

John F. Kennedy was assassinated forty-seven years ago today. Where were you when you read The Warren Report, and then laughed? We will probably never know if H. L. Hunt hired Blackwater to shoot JFK in the head, but most people reject the Oswald conspiracy theories and have accepted that President Handsomepants’ violent murder was just another routine CIA hit job. Sarah Palin says that John Kennedy betrayed his religion, so maybe Jesus was the guy with the gun at the Grassy Knoll? We simply do not know. Many equate JFK’s assassination with the End of America’s Innocence. Apparently everyone still had a super clean conscience in 1963, even after we dropped all those atomic bombs. [Voice of America/The Atlantic] Read more on America Remembers Handsome, Murdered President… Read more on America Remembers Handsome, Murdered President…
  needs more ham biscuits

Everyone In GOP Mad At Jim DeMint For Losing Senate

The Republican Party has taken a step back from their sweeping victory in America’s ultimate, #1, super repudiation of big government to wonder why, in fact, they didn’t take control of BOTH halves of our two-headed legislative branch; the answer to this conundrum can only be that Jim DeMint is a stupid face. Jim DeMint, you see, gave out all his money (you cannot beat a Daoist by spending money) to Teabagger candidates who went on to win primaries, and then a whole bunch of these people lost in the general election despite being loveably insane. If the party hadn’t nominated complete crazies in Nevada, Delaware, and Colorado, the thinking goes, they could at least have split the Senate. Of course, the natural response to this argument is that Republican candidates were not crazy enough. Read more on Everyone In GOP Mad At Jim DeMint For Losing Senate…
  yeah jim's not feeling this bill so yeah

Jim DeMint E-mails Senate Staffs To Let Them Know He Runs Country Now

All legislation must now be cleared with America’s Dad Jim DeMint first or else he will shut down the Senate, according to an e-mail sent to Senate chiefs of staff today. And so we have another example of Jim DeMint trying to out-Republican everyone else, this time in terms of obstructing bills. Senate rules were specifically written by our founding fathers so that Jim DeMint could stop each and every bill that comes before the legislative body, and their disintegrating patriot skulls must be smiling in their graves right now, because their oracle has at last come true: Our country is now run through Jim DeMint. Read more on Jim DeMint E-mails Senate Staffs To Let Them Know He Runs Country Now…
  uppity women

Lisa Murkowski Constantly Making Jim DeMint Cry Like a Little Baby

Lisa Murkowski is the world’s biggest loser/jerk-off for not volunteering to work fifty hours a week as an unpaid intern for Joe Miller’s Senate campaign. And now for some reason Lisa Murkowski gets to keep her seat on her important Energy Committee, even though Jim DeMint said she wasn’t allowed to. Aren’t women supposed to have good manners and submit graciously to what Jim DeMint and other southern men tell them? This is the question Jim DeMint whispers to himself all day long, as he sends out spam email to all his Teabagger friends about Lisa Murkowski’s rudeness. Read more on Lisa Murkowski Constantly Making Jim DeMint Cry Like a Little Baby…
  mr. popular

Mitch McConnell Announces He Will Be Senate Party Leader 4 Life

HE HAS THE VOTES. In the musical that will be made about Mitch McConnell’s life, this will be one of the songs: “He Has the Votes.” It will be a neo-Negro-spiritual song. YES, Mitch McConnell said he’s already locked up the votes to keep his minority (MAJORITY?) leader job in the next Congress, so you journalists will have to find something else to ask Rand Paul about. Read more on Mitch McConnell Announces He Will Be Senate Party Leader 4 Life…
  america's philosopher king

Alvin Greene Finally Lowers Himself To Your Puny Concept of Campaigning

Jedi master Alvin Greene has destroyed his political opposition by not destroying his political opposition, and has accomplished more by simply sitting in peace and mindfulness than the most powerful campaign machine has accomplished with the usual clumsy blunt force tactics of “fund raising” and “advertising.” But who is the bigger fool? The fool, or the fool who follows him? Watch in amazement as Alvin Greene does that which he once renounced through Not Doing. Read more on Alvin Greene Finally Lowers Himself To Your Puny Concept of Campaigning…
  who is contented has wealth

Finances Have Come To Alvin Greene

The latest fundraising figures are in (and by “in,” we mean somebody called Alvin), and it appears a thousand dollars have come to Alvin Greene so far in his lack of a campaign. That’s 1/3500 the amount his opponent Jim DeMint has actively raised, which is an action out of step with The Way. It’s distressing, though, that people have donated any money to Alvin. It won’t hurt him, but those people need to realize one shouldn’t pluck one’s hair out for another. Read more on Finances Have Come To Alvin Greene…
  he must stand like stone

Coming Soon To the American Economic Recovery: Alvin Greene Action Figures

Alvin Greene Mania has swept Britain! Today The Guardian has their very own profile of one British reporter’s pilgrimage to the hovel of South Carolina Daoist monk Alvin Greene. It is accompanied by a nice photo of Greene talking on the phone with your Wonkette (probably) while he’s writing koans with a simple pencil. The big news in this story is that Alvin Greene has an enigmatic and wise solution “for jobs”—making Alvin Greene action (inaction) figures. It is an incredible quote. Read more on Coming Soon To the American Economic Recovery: Alvin Greene Action Figures…
  turtle kid

THEY CALLED HIM ‘TURTLE': Your Alvin Greene Roundup For Tuesday, July 6

Today the AP has a story about Greene (who, you will remember, is the South Carolina Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate and a practicing Daoist monk) with the BIG REVEAL that he was nicknamed “Turtle” in high school, according to his tennis coach, because yes, Alvin Greene was the only black kid on the high school tennis team. She “barely recalls” Greene (“A leader is best when people barely know that he exists”—Ch. 17, DDJ) and said “he wasn’t outgoing and he was picked on unmercifully.” But as somebody acutely more enlightened than the lesser beings who bullied him, Greene likely couldn’t even sense it. If he could, it probably amused him that such people were so unnerved by a simple lack of chit chat on his part. Read more on THEY CALLED HIM ‘TURTLE': Your Alvin Greene Roundup For Tuesday, July 6… Read more on THEY CALLED HIM ‘TURTLE': Your Alvin Greene Roundup For Tuesday, July 6…
  dwell within cock-crow of your neighbors

Alvin Greene’s Campaign Website: The Review

Earlier this afternoon your next Junior Senator from South Carolina, Alvin Greene, announced right here on Wonkette (EXTRA SUPER EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT) that he has made a campaign website, alvingreeneforussenator.com. (Or rather, a campaign website came to be.) Is it “good”? Any political professional would probably say no. Yet the website reflects the candidate: modest, earnest, and yet unyielding in its dedication to three issues. It may be the only American campaign website that seeks to align itself with the Dao. Read more on Alvin Greene’s Campaign Website: The Review…
  use the light but shed no light

WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE: The Alvin Greene Interview

Reporters who have made the pilgrimage to the humble home of South Carolina Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate Alvin Greene have noted how often his phone rings. And how often he answers it, even for members of the general public. You, yes you, after doing a simple Google search, can talk to a major party nominee for U.S. Senate. It’s just a small part of the political revolution that is Alvin Greene. Now your Wonkette has called him, and we have recorded the interview, and you can listen to it. Read more on WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE: The Alvin Greene Interview…
  riches are not contentment

South Carolina Investigating Alvin Greene Under Assumption He Has Earthly Assets

U.S. Senate candidate Alvin Greene (D-Universe) has come under investigation from the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division (SLED), a fake-sounding state agency, to find out how he came up with the $10,440 filing fee he needed to run for the Democratic nomination for Senate. The agency will “use a new state law that allows the agency to issue an administrative subpoena to financial institutions,” so apparently they believe Alvin Greene uses financial institutions, like some sort of Confucian. Read more on South Carolina Investigating Alvin Greene Under Assumption He Has Earthly Assets…
  mountains arose from holes

South Carolina Democratic Party Just Pushes the Button For Alvin Greene

Alvin Greene won yet another landslide victory last night when the executive committee of the South Carolina Democratic Party denied his opponent’s protest and confirmed Greene as their candidate to take on Jim DeMint in November’s U.S. Senate election. Greene didn’t show up to argue his case, remaining cloistered as ever in his father’s house. Nor did anyone else come to argue for Greene. But it didn’t matter; it has already been established that Greene is a Daoist ELECTION-WINNING MACHINE who wins landslide victories without putting in any effort. In fact, the more effort put into resisting his election, the stronger a candidate he becomes. As of 3 p.m., Alvin Greene was dreaming he was a butterfly and/or a butterfly was dreaming it was Alvin Greene. [Politics Daily] Read more on South Carolina Democratic Party Just Pushes the Button For Alvin Greene…
  a daoist monk for our time

Attainer of Ultimate Enlightenment Alvin Greene Amused By Your Expectation That He Campaign

The Chosen One, Democratic Senate candidate Alvin Greene, still hasn’t left his father’s house in the backroads of South Carolina, but that hasn’t stopped curious journalists and admirers from being drawn to him. And what could be more interesting than Alvin Greene? This man is everything a modern politician is not. But still, after achieving the amazing opportunity of magically becoming the candidate of a major party for U.S. Senate, why does he remain cooped up, unemployed and poor, in this house, rather than taking his message to the streets? The answer, obviously, is that Alvin Greene is a Daoist monk. Read more on Attainer of Ultimate Enlightenment Alvin Greene Amused By Your Expectation That He Campaign…
  a mere bump in the road to greatness

South Carolina Democratic Party’s Rising Star Faces Challenge To His Glorious Primary Result

Charleston City Councilman Vic Rawl announced today that he’s officially filing a protest against the results of last Tuesday’s Democratic U.S. Senate primary in South Carolina, which was a landslide victory for mentally unstable unemployed accused-sex-offender Alvin Greene, who didn’t so much campaign or do fund-raising or have a staff or come up with issue positions as sit cooped up in his 81-year-old father’s house the whole time. Read more on South Carolina Democratic Party’s Rising Star Faces Challenge To His Glorious Primary Result…
  john mccain's girlfriend in trouble!

Lindsey Graham Can’t (Politically!) Satisfy His Base

A new poll says that if Lindsey Graham had to run for the Republican primary today, he would either totally or probably lose, which must be so harsh on his self-esteem. In “Lindsey Graham in Trouble with S.C. GOP Faithful” [PDF], a new groundbreaking research paper, the numbers outfit Public Policy Polling says 57% of South Carolina conservatives “pledge to vote for an unnamed primary challenger who is to Graham’s right,” because Graham talks to libruls all civil-minded and such. “Civil” is for wars, not for politics! Read more on Lindsey Graham Can’t (Politically!) Satisfy His Base…
  wheels within wheels

HE WHO CONTROLS THE ‘BLOG-O-SPHERE’ CONTROLS THE WORLD, IS WHAT WE HEARD: This bazillion-word story on AOL’s Politics Daily dingus, about the proxy war playing out in Republican primaries nationwide between Jim DeMint and Mitch McConnell, seems “important,” but it’s long and kinda boring, so we’ll just reproduce this hilarious claim from the world’s most handsome CNN commentator/blog impresario: “[Eric] Erickson implied to me — and based on the chronological order of the endorsements, this rings true — that DeMint may be taking his cues from RedState’s endorsements, not the other way around.” Good lord, political bloggers! If they’re not having sexy sex with sexy politician-ladies, they’re ordering powerful Senators to do their bidding. (Fear not, dear readers, Wonkette only uses its blog-power to earn your eternal love and devotion, not to do evil.) Read more on …
  pork everywhere all the time

Suddenly Senate Republicans Heart Earmarks

Ha ha, remember when the 2009 budget bill passed and every single Republican on the face of the planet was OUTRAGED because of earmarks? (Well, mostly just John McCain.) Now the tables have turned and they love the shit out of earmarks, all of them, which is why they refused to support legislation banning these dumb things! Read more on Suddenly Senate Republicans Heart Earmarks…
  wacky apologies

South Carolina Republican Creatively Apologizes For Admiring Jewish Fiscal Responsibility

Those two South Carolina county GOP chairs who got BUSTED yesterday for calling Sen. Jim DeMint a cheap Jew — as a compliment however! — have now apologized to the Internet. James Ulmer and Edwin Merwin, who wrote in response to an editorial attacking Jim DeMint for his weak procurement of federal dollars that, “There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves,” now say that they did not mean any offense by using this line of logic that Adolf Hitler once heard and went insane over. Read more on South Carolina Republican Creatively Apologizes For Admiring Jewish Fiscal Responsibility…
  how can this backfire?

Republicans Praise Jim DeMint’s Acquired Moneygrubbing Jew Skills

A Democratic state senator in South Carolina recently opined in The State that Sen. Jim DeMint, while rather deft in the arts of being tragically insane on a national level, does a poor job of bringing money home for his state, SOME OF WHICH MIGHT HELP. An unfair criticism? So unfair!, declared “Bamberg County GOP Chairman Edwin Merwin and Orangeburg County GOP Chairman James Ulmer” in a response. Let’s see how they made their case! “There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy…” OH GOD. Read more on Republicans Praise Jim DeMint’s Acquired Moneygrubbing Jew Skills…