Tag Archives: jim demint

  It's the Derp-Derpiest Time Of The Year

Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place

Bachmann kept trying to get the Riddler into Conversion Therapy
Oh, dear lord, Iowa is going to be like a superdense mass of Dumb this weekend, as Rep. Steve King and Citizens United host the “Iowa Freedom Summit” — kind of a Moronic Convergence of rightwing political hacks all coming together to hang out with the man who proclaimed that DREAM Act kids were mostly “drug mules with thighs calves the size of cantaloupes” [how quickly we forget!] and who fretted about the president hosting a “deportable” at the State of the Union. Read more on Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Here’s How A White Supremacist Set The GOP’s Immigration Policy (Video)

Amused Maddow is best Maddow
Wednesday’s Rachel Maddow Show begins with another of those rambly goofy stories that make you wonder whether a News Point is on the way, and then gets to the point and you say “Aha!” We won’t even summarize the first five minutes, because you deserve the fun of watching them play out with the fewest possible spoilers (also, we’re not sure where we’d start). Eventually, though, we find out how a near fistfight on a ski lift between a veteran Republican operative and an ardent white supremacist is a really good metaphor for the current relationship between the mainstream GOP and its wackaloon wing. Read more on Morning Maddow: Here’s How A White Supremacist Set The GOP’s Immigration Policy (Video)…
  what if?

What If The Heritage Foundation Were Adapted To A Sitcom Format?

Just imagine the pitch: “Mr. Moonves, think Golden Girls meets Crossfire,” says the excited producer. The Chairman frowns slightly. “BUT with mostly guys,” the producer continues. Moonves looks mollified. It’s a go. Of course viewed from the outside, the Right Wing™ already seems like an increasingly surreal network television experiment gone spectacularly off the rails, so why not push it where it obviously wants to go? Sarah Palin’s already got a couple of reality shows under her belt, and Tucker Carlson was on Dancing with the Stars, so let’s give Laura Ingraham a variety show! How about transforming Tea Party Nation into a medical procedural? It wouldn’t be too difficult to integrate the Republican primaries into the next season of Big Brother. Ooooh… how about a sitcom based on the Heritage Foundation? Yes. Let’s fantasize about that after the jump. Read more on What If The Heritage Foundation Were Adapted To A Sitcom Format?…
  the wtf between the states

Jim DeMint Explains How Big Government Never Freed Any Slaves

Heritage Foundation head Heritager Jim DeMint took a crack at revisionist history last week on a Christian radio program, and delivered the somewhat surprising verdict that the federal government didn’t play a role in freeing the slaves. Instead, what did it was both the Constitution and the “conscience of the American people,” which will certainly make for some disappointing costumes at Civil War reenactments. Read more on Jim DeMint Explains How Big Government Never Freed Any Slaves…
  clipbait

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams Has Had It With These Racist Dogs (Video)

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams takes Fox News at its word when it says racism isn’t a problem anymore, but that does leave her wondering why 100% of people bitten by police dogs in LA County were black or Latino. So she asks a dog trainer the obvious question: “Is that because we taste better?” You won’t believe the lengths the trainer goes to in trying to make excuses for the blatant racism of a cute little doggie named Walter. But it’s not just dogs — turns out that computers are racist, too. Just see what happens when you google “Why are black people”… Read more on The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams Has Had It With These Racist Dogs (Video)…
  Real Americans just let you die

Heritage Foundation Czar Jim DeMint Says Majority Of Americans Are Socialist Un-Americans For Liking Socialist Un-American Healthcare

Have you heard the one about how health care reform is the worst thing that ever happened to America (besides the gays, the feminists, the black dude in the White House, and birth control, obviously), and it is socialism and just like Hitler and will ruin freedom for everyone? OF COURSE YOU HAVE because it’s pretty much all Republicans have been saying for the last several years, and Jesus Harold Christ on a cruise ship are we sick of that shit. But as we get ever closer to the opening of those sweet, sweet government health care exchanges (aka The Day That Is Going To Live In Infamy Like a Mofo), we can pretty much count on Republicans to try even more harder to convince us that we should REPEAL! and IMPEACH! and DEFUND! and REPEAL SOME MORE! and, failing all that, just be deeply ashamed of ourselves for being excited about slightly lower health insurance premiums, even if that IS a direct route to socialist armageddon. Read more on Heritage Foundation Czar Jim DeMint Says Majority Of Americans Are Socialist Un-Americans For Liking Socialist Un-American Healthcare…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Today In Gun Fun Times: Eat Hot Lead With That Pumpkin Scone, And Other Dumb Gun News

Hello again, backbiting tone-policing finks of Wonkette! It has been a while since we looked in on the responsible gun owners of America and all the ways the more vociferous of them can be giant dicks about their right to stockpile weapons and ammo like they’re goddamn Mack Bolan or something, always ready to leap into a commando mission against KGB paramilitary units at a moment’s notice, because wingnuts live on whatever mescaline-rich planet Jim DeMint currently inhabits. Anyway, let’s look at some news. Chris Christie, still smarting from the beating he took from the GOP base last year after he gave the president a tug job in exchange for Obama leaving some Hurricane Sandy aid money on the dresser, decided to get on the wingnuts’ good side by rejecting three gun-control bills the New Jersey legislature had sent to his desk. The first one, which Governor Meatballs fully rejected, was a ban on the future sale of .50 caliber rifles (anyone who already owns one would have to register it within a year). Christie called these guns necessary for “recreational pastimes.” Which is true, if your recreational pastimes include shooting down helicopters or hunting the herds of wild elephants known to roam the Pine Barrens. Never mind that Christie himself called for the ban back in April. Things have changed since then, namely that time has continued moving forward and the 2016 presidential primaries are a little closer. Read more on Today In Gun Fun Times: Eat Hot Lead With That Pumpkin Scone, And Other Dumb Gun News…
  Yeah that might happen and pigs might fly out of our ... you know

Obama Just Might Defund Obamacare Like GOP Wants, Says Insane GOPer Jim DeMint

You know how Republicans are so super for sure that if they keep voting to repeal Obamacare, it will work one of these days? Not the first time, sure, or the second time, or the third or fourth or fortieth, but eventually. Eleventeen might be the lucky number. WE DON’T KNOW. Read more on Obama Just Might Defund Obamacare Like GOP Wants, Says Insane GOPer Jim DeMint…
  it takes an army of dozens to hold them back

‘Ex-Gay Pride Month’ Event Cancelled Because Of Gays Doing Invisible Terrorism

Some sad news from the organizers of the big “Ex-Gay Pride” event that had been scheduled for July 31st: The organizer announced Friday that a dinner and reception at the Family Research Council has been cancelled due to unspecified “anti-ex-gay extremism.” Voice of the Voiceless, the “ex-gay” group behind the nonevent, will instead hold the dinner at “an undisclosed location” sometime in September, and will also “declare September as the First Annual Ex-Gay Awareness Month.” (July remains “Ex-Gay Pride Month,” we guess.) We completely believe Voice of the Voiceless co-chair Christopher Doyle when he claims that the event was cancelled due to “security threats” and not due to something more mundane, like no one buying tickets. And surely they wouldn’t cancel merely because they couldn’t actually deliver the big-name gay-haters they’d invited, like Michele Bachmann and Jim DeMint. Nahh, had to be the big mean gays and their big mean terrorisms! Read more on ‘Ex-Gay Pride Month’ Event Cancelled Because Of Gays Doing Invisible Terrorism…
  diff'rent strokes for ex-gay folks

‘Ex-Gay Pride Month’ Event Will Draw Tens, Possibly Dozens to DC

In what is bound to be the most exciting counterdemonstration since that one time you heckled Brother Jed when he came to your college (only far less fun), some strange wingnut group has announced that it will hold a big ex-gay rally at the end of this month in Washington DC. So far, only the organizers themselves are confirmed as attending, although they have invited some big names that they are totally sure will show up, like Michele Bachmann and Jim DeMint. And OK, maybe “rally” is the exactly wrong word, since it’s DC at the end of July, and the only event that’s actually been announced is a dinner and reception (pdf link) at the Family Research Council, which is coming off its hugely successful “call2fall” prayer thing that rescued America yesterday, if you didn’t notice. But still, it’ll be epic, maybe! Read more on ‘Ex-Gay Pride Month’ Event Will Draw Tens, Possibly Dozens to DC…
  movin' on up

In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative

Rep. Tim Scott (R-SC), who is the Other Black House Republican Besides Allen West, is your newest Senator from South Carolina, after Jim Demint left to grift money at the Heritage Foundation!  YAY!!! Many people think that Tim Scott is somehow better because he is more moderate than Allen West, which is sort of like a fried Snickers bar being healthier than a fried Twinkie because it is covered in slightly less batter.  Also because, much like a Twinkie, Allen West was defeated and therefore no longer really exists. As it turns out, Tim Scott is fucking crazy, but he has that sexy Michael Jordan head rather than Allen West’s weird graying Kendall Gill flattop, so all is forgiven. Read more on In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative…
  love the sinner hate the sin

Jim DeMint’s Chosen Successor Maybe Has Had Sex Outside Of Marriage, Burn Him

Oh, you guys think South Carolina freshman Congressman Tim Scott is so great, huh? And that’s why he is awesome dude Jim DeMint’s handpicked successor in the Senate when DeMint goes off to filibuster the Heritage Foundation or whatever? Well what if we told you he might not even be a virgin but might have put his dingus in a lady’s babyhole, even though he is a 46-year-old bachelor unbound in holiest matrimony? WHAT THEN? HENGHHGH? Read more on Jim DeMint’s Chosen Successor Maybe Has Had Sex Outside Of Marriage, Burn Him…
  I said good day sir...good day!

Jim DeMint Has Had Enough Of Your Stupid Senate

South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint (R-R’lyeh) announced that he will resign his U.S. Senate seat in January to become president of the Heritage Foundation. Sen. DeMint, just two years into his second term, will be trading “public service” (i.e., shaping policy to funnel government resources to contributors) for a “position in the private sector” (i.e., lobbying to get policy shaped to funnel government resources to contributors). “I’m leaving the Senate now, but I’m not leaving the fight. I’ve decided to join The Heritage Foundation at a time when the conservative movement needs strong leadership in the battle of ideas,” DeMint said in a statement. Liberal bloggers nationwide groaned at the “battle of ideas” metaphor, knowing that they would thereby be forced to invoke the “unarmed opponent” cliché. Curse you, Jim DeMint! Read more on Jim DeMint Has Had Enough Of Your Stupid Senate…
  pangaea is for marxists

Marco Rubio Becomes 2016 G.O.P. Frontrunner By Being Cuban, An Idiot

In case you missed it, there was an election a few weeks ago, and one of the parties was reaaaaally banking on older white men to vote for them, because that was the only group they had not condemned to hell. This party was called “Republicans,” and they did very poorly, as a great many people are not, as it turns out, older white men. But good news! There is a young, Cuban man repping the Republican Party right now and he is celebrating Mitt Romney’s giant white-dude loss with trips to Iowa and interviews with GQ, for that is where the future of the GOP is nestled. His name is Marco Rubio, and he is a senator, and he told GQ his best friend was Jim DeMint, who is also a senator, who said a few months ago that it was crazy, just crazy, that we aren’t just teaching creationism in schools already. And Rubio,because he must, probably, is jumping on the “let’s not be too hasty, All Of Science” bandwagon” with him. To better his chances at the White House, Rubio is distancing himself from the nation’s most controversial issue of faith: people who know what they are talking about. Read more on Marco Rubio Becomes 2016 G.O.P. Frontrunner By Being Cuban, An Idiot…
  rethuglican talking points

Club For Growth Pres Will Now Explain Why Laying Off 47,000 People Will Help The Economy

You know what we DON’T need, especially in this economy? An agency dedicated to spurring economic growth, encouraging exports, and funding investment in local businesses, that’s what. Chris Chocola, a former Republican congressman and current president of the Club For Growth, took to The Hill yesterday to make these and other incoherent arguments about why we will all benefit from laying off 47,000 and destroying an agency dedicated to economic recovery. For example: According to its own website, the agency has a budget of approximately eight billion dollars and employs nearly 47,000 people. Many of its functions are unnecessary or easily merged into other departments. How better to address chronic unemployment than by laying off 47,000 people?  Of course, they work for the government so these jobs don’t count. What other brilliant suggestions does Chris Chocola have, now that he’s suggested that we maybe fire about 50,000 people? Read more on Club For Growth Pres Will Now Explain Why Laying Off 47,000 People Will Help The Economy…
  the poors did it

Jamie Dimon, Welfare Queen

When we last checked in with Jamie Dimon, he was getting a tongue bath from Jim DeMint (R-Jamie Dimon’s Butt) because Jamie Dimon is a Very Big Man in charge of a Very Big Bank that makes Very Big Profits for Very Big People. As Jim DeMint (R-Jamie Dimon’s Butt) noted, not everyone can do what Jamie Dimon does: who among you, for example, could lose $2 billion dollars in one day and not even really miss it? And who among you could preside over a global economic crisis and escape with your job and pay intact? Hmm? And what if you were trying to do all of this on a shoestring, like Jamie Dimon, who only gets $14 billion per year in subsidies from taxpayers? Read more on Jamie Dimon, Welfare Queen…
  free internet porn is the worst

Senate Banking Committee Treats JP Morgan Chief Jamie Dimon to Luxury Tongue Bath

The Senate Banking Committee ordered Wall Street fuck-up and J.P. Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon to testify Wednesday on how his bank managed to turn over $2 billion into poop and whether this latest round of derivative market gambles equivalent to staking money on Peggy Noonan’s sobriety should, in fact, necessitate a few moderate regulations to prevent such things in future. Just kidding, please drug test yourself immediately for meth if you thought this would happen. Famous idiot Senator Jim DeMint used Dimon’s visit to hold a whiny losers support group meeting. “We can hardly sit in judgement of your losing $2 billion,” said DeMint. “We lose twice that every day here in Washington and plan to continue to do that every day.” Did we say support group? We meant a slippery, wrinkled white orgy, and that was foreplay. We discourage you from reading the following filth on a work computer. Read more on Senate Banking Committee Treats JP Morgan Chief Jamie Dimon to Luxury Tongue Bath…
  the world's greatest deliberative body

It’s Farm Bill Time, And All Amendments Are Perfectly Reasonable & Germane

It’s farm bill time in the Senate, with the draft bill out of committee, debate open, and hundreds of amendments pouring in, all lined up just in time beat the June 30 deadline! The way they used to resolve all of these competing amendments and regional interests and endless lobbyist demands in the end was pretty simple — pay everyone off, and then pay them off again. But this time it’s an election year, the Senate is broken beyond repair, Rand Paul exists, and everyone thinks a few perfunctory budget cuts will make the Senate look like a responsible custodian of the nation’s well-being. What we’re getting around to is that there may be some grandstanding — yes, we went there — in the World’s Greatest Deliberative Body over the next couple of weeks. Let’s check out but a smattering of the ~200 amendments that are very important to American agriculture and have a reasonable chance of passing instead of just wasting everyone’s time! Read more on It’s Farm Bill Time, And All Amendments Are Perfectly Reasonable & Germane…
  now taking bets

Hawt Lindsey Graham-Jim DeMint Smackdown Basically Imminent

Lame non-magical toad wart Jim DeMint just lives to annoy fellow South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, doesn’t he? Jim DeMint ruined Lindsey Graham’s dreams of a GOP Senate majority, refused to allocate funding for some local science project that ol’ Ham Biscuits desperately wanted and then voted against Lindsey’s beloved “China you suck” bill to punish China for its currency devaluation. Neener! But because Jim DeMint can never be irritating enough, he led a Senate rebellion Tuesday against a Lindsey Graham co-sponsored amendment to reauthorize the Export-Import Bank, which caused the amendment to fail with DeMint noting that Lindsey Graham is basically a socialist. Fight fight fight! Read more on Hawt Lindsey Graham-Jim DeMint Smackdown Basically Imminent…
  it's morning in america

Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor

Glenn Beck’s contract with Fox News expires in December, and you know what that means: George Soros is a scheming Puppet Master and/or Jew. Wait, no! It means Glenn Beck’s teevee chalkboard lessons and Cash4Gold infomercials will probably be canceled, since only the cream of the crazy milk watches his show anymore. But people familiar with Glenn Beck’s darkest thoughts say that he is plotting his own teevee network — something resembling The History Channel, except more Nazi UFO documentaries. Beck already has a media company — Mercury Radio Arts, named after Orson Welles’ Mercury Theatre, geezus — but that’s only for radio and the Internets and his traveling circus shows. Here is how America’s leading “liberal” pay-per-view newspaper ends its muckraking piece of journalism: “Mr. Beck is ‘not Oprah yet.'” Haunting words. [NYT] Read more on Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor… Read more on Glenn Beck Plots Media Empire, Restores Honor…
  banquets and such

Jim DeMint Also May Run For President of Losing To Obama

U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint’s keynote speech next month to an Iowa forum for Republican presidential candidates has fueled hopes among some evangelicals and conservative activists that the South Carolinian will launch a White House run. Read more on Jim DeMint Also May Run For President of Losing To Obama…
  do it yourself dick

UPDATED: Jim DeMint Continues Reign As King Obstructionist

Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) will force readings of both a nuclear arms treaty and $1.1 trillion spending bill that could eat up hours of the remaining lame-duck Congress. DeMint will invoke a senatorial privilege to ask that texts of both the New START Treaty and the 2011 omnibus spending bill be read aloud on the Senate floor. Read more on UPDATED: Jim DeMint Continues Reign As King Obstructionist…