On this Thanksgiving Eve, we want to remind Americans that all presidents have always looked like twits during the annual Turkey Pardon Photo Op — so Barack Obama will make history again as the first president to ever look cool next to these fucking turkeys. Here’s Harry Truman, reportedly forced by the National Turkey Federation to start the dumb tradition, thus ensuring that other popular Thanksgiving main courses of the time — ham, roast beast, parsnips, etc. — would fall by the wayside. The Turkey Industry was the Jack Abramoff of 1947. MORE »

Oh look who’s on the cover of Vanity Fair, and also wearing clothes for a change? It’s Carla Bruni, latest wife of Hungarian president of France Nicolas Sarkozy. What did she do to achieve this honor? Well, according to the headline, the Italian singer/supermodel’s marriage to a French president might just make her the new “Jackie O,” which was what tabloids called Jacqueline Kennedy in the decades after her husband, President John F. Kennedy, was murdered by Lyndon Johnson/the Mob/Richard Nixon/the CIA/Cuban Wingnuts and she married a Greek Tycoon named Aristotle Onassis, who was eventually murdered or just died of being old, and her name was then “Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.” Anyway, you can see why Carla Bruni might just be the new Jackie O. [Vanity Fair] MORE »

Well, this looks terrible. And, uh, Lloyd Bentsen as George H.W. Bush, that’s very inspired casting. The Laura Bush and Condi Bush Rice actors/characters look like they might be semi-believable, and that’s about it. Terrible soundtrack. Just looks terrible, all around. Of course, no biopic could ever compare with the rancid stupid tragedy that is the life of George W. Bush, who should have been cremated at birth. UPDATE: This one appears to work, for now. [YouTube]

A bunch of congressmen from Texas were flying to D.C. so they could vote on some Texas thing, and then OMG the Continental jet had a slight loss of cabin pressure so it made an unscheduled landing in New Orleans, and the the congressmen got on another plane to Washington. In other words, NEW WORLD ORDER ALMOST KILT DR. RON PAUL! MORE »

Some jokester is selling an “air guitar owned by JFK” on eBay for $5,000, and to give credit where it’s due, the American people have not placed any bids yet. Silly eBay merchant, the correct way to run this scheme is by selling an “air Constitution owned by Ron Paul” and raising the minimum bid to $300 million. Hey, we should actually do this… [eBay]

From showbiz magazine Entertainment Weekly, here is an actor named “Josh Brolin” just after he got the sad news that he has to play the “Will Farrell” character in Oliver Stone’s new movie about the George W. Bush Jr. assassination cover-up. [EW]

Beloved filmmaker Oliver Stone hasn’t done anything interesting since 1963, when he made the “Zapruder Film” that showed how JFK was killed by the Conspiracy. Now the veteran director is taking on the story of another person who lived in the White House: the president of freedom, George W. Bush. Not even a Leonard Cohen soundtrack or Tommy Lee Jones playing a mincing New Orleans homosexual could make this movie not suck. MORE »

Way back in the Fifth Century, Eliot Spitzer took a “white slave” to Ireland. After many years of imprisonment, Little Saint Patrick escaped back to England, which was part of Rome at the time, and he remembered his Irish slavery so fondly that he vowed to return and destroy Paganism. It only took another 1,500 years for Ted Kennedy to drunkenly crash his car off a tiny bridge and drown his girlfriend. Learn more about St. Patrick’s Day, after the jump. MORE »

Here’s a collection of words and names that will automatically creep you out: Dallas, Secret Service, big crowds, guns, Barack Obama. At a Wednesday rally in Dallas, unnamed “federal officials” stopped the weapons screening for thousands of random people who turned out for Barack Obama’s rally at Reunion Arena. Why? Well, there was kind of a long line, and the 17,000 strangers seemed like a “friendly crowd.” MORE »

Our Florida operative Lauren Selsky found White House correspondent Helen Thomas hanging out at Florida Atlantic University, which is Selsky’s own school! What are the chances? Thomas, currently 87 years old, was known as the “Original Wonkette” when she started covering the JFK White House nearly a half-century ago. So how much does Helen hate George W. Bush? MORE »

Happy Dead Presidents Day, everybody! Our most beloved non-Reagan dead president, John F. “Jack” Kennedy, was killed by Lyndon Johnson’s Anti-Castro Cuban CIA Mafia Military-Industrial FBI Complex way back in 1963. We still don’t know exactly what happened, because “the government” won’t release the files for another forty or fifty years (or never), but the Dallas Morning News says a weird old transcript proves or doesn’t prove how “lone gunman” Lee Harvey Oswald and mafia-nightclub tough Jack Ruby discussed killing JFK so, uh, the Chicago mob wouldn’t be bothered by Kennedy’s little brother, Bobby Kennedy, who was attorney general back when the attorney general was expected to do anti-crime things rather than just torture innocent foreigners forever, in Cuba. MORE »