Wonkette

Are you and your mother-in-law still thinking about voting for Hillary Clinton? Well, wake up and smell the Constitution’s great and glorious ball-sack, which tells us explicitly that ladies cannot be elected President. One brave New Hampshire citizen ventures this brilliant legal observation in the Concord Monitor. Read on to discover how Hillary Clinton will never be the president even if everybody votes for her. MORE »

It’s that damnable O.C.S. bug that’s been plaguing Hope everywhere! Barack Obama, King of Hawaii and Kansas and Africa and Illinois and, what else, Spain, has a cold and cannot govern America. MORE »

Wonkette’s “Polaroid Liz” Glover is up at New York City’s Fashion Week, with all the famous Movie Stars and popular musicians and various other hobos! Aside from looking at all the pretty new clothes, Liz harassed these celebrities about their presidential endorsements. Nicky Hilton is oblivious to everything, Maggie Gyllenhaal is a mute, and Pharrell Williams wants to know what Liz thinks. Clearly none of them know that there’s an election this year, because celebrities aren’t very smart.

He was a Mormon. Then he fixed the Olympics and liberal Massachusetts. Then he was the Republican nominee for nothing. Always and forever, he was the biggest liar and panderer in American history, but he meant well. The point is: Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Reagan Reagan Ronald. SIZE DOES MATTER.

Naked journalist Mark Halperin is on the Fox News talking about Romney “likely” dropping out during this speech at CPAC today. Is he right? Couldn’t he be wrong? MAYBE HE’S WRONG?? Oh, false hope, ye demon! Let’s see what the Great White Hope, our Mittens Romney, has to say. MORE »

Hey there, -pedia fans! Do you think that Wikipedia’s too played out and Conservapedia too gay? Then you’ll love Chickipedia, which, as if you don’t know, “is the world’s largest web-based, women-based, wiki-based database of hot chicks on the planet.” Readers input a host of detailed information for each subject, including hookups, hobbies, vices, “dudes she worked with,” and “chicks she worked with.” But while the current user base is good at supplying data on Anna Ortiz and Cameron Diaz and the like, their “Politics” category is sorely lacking! After the jump, we take you through the hellscape, and show you how you can help. MORE »

Give credit to The Clintons for the job they’ve done raising Chelsea. Chelsea was born deaf and dumb, a veritable “wild child” who the schoolteachers couldn’t tame. But after 20-odd years, through Bill and Hillary’s tutelage, she now speaks “words.” And since she’s young, she can use this new talent to talk to other young people about her struggle with muteness. It wasn’t an ordinary job, getting this demon to speak like a person. But Bill and Hillary aren’t ordinary people.

So, this is my last post at Wonkette. I could go all Emily about it, but I’m not that introspective a person and it just happened today so I haven’t thought it through that much. I’ll be contributing over at Jezebel in the coming weeks, so I hope to see some of you in the comment threads over there. I would like to say, though, that I appreciate those of you who have been reading, who have challenged my assumptions and my assertions and made me think harder and write better. I hope to continue those conversations in the future over there and/or at my public personal blog. In any case, I’m about to pull a Hillary, so I’m going to stop now. It’s been great working for you guys.

Dave Obernberger is just a regular Midwestern guy with a unobtrusive hobby: crusading to halt the government-sanctioned wholesale slaughter of the unborn in Racine, Wisconsin. Recently, to mark the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, he sent a small, plastic fetus to every single one of the 44,000 households in Racine on behalf of the group Wisconsin Right to Life. It did make some people mad, but it got Dave and his bizarre and probably treatable mental health issue on the local teevee, as you can see. MORE »

There’s really only one reason, but perhaps it bears repeating: it didn’t work as intended because it was scripted (and badly). Her delivery is flat, her laugh lines aren’t self-deprecating and it sounds like the sort of partisan in-joke that only the really committed would find funny (and only then because it’s repeating something they all think is “true”). MORE »

According to news reports, Jenna Bush and Henry Hager are going to make it official on May 10th at the famous Crawford brush ranch. For those with a really keen eye for detail, that’s a couple days after he takes his finals at Darden and eight days before he officially graduates. Guess we know who’s not helping with the wedding planning! [People]

I appreciate that Mike Huckabee is open about his desire to change the Constitution to better reflect “the word of the living God.” Because, really, not many of his constitutional amendmendofascists compatriots are nearly as open about their desires. He’s not a fan of the whole separation-of-church-and-state thing here, he’s really just out to make sure that the laws reflect his religion’s view of society and he doesn’t give a crap who knows it. It’s not like he’s playing like the intelligent design people that it isn’t about God or something, he’s saying my Jeebus wants what he wants and I know what he wants and I’m going to do that, and I appreciate it, Mike, because moving to a foreign country takes more planning than just November through January. MORE »

If anything’s NSFW, it’s even thinking about Mitt Romney sexually. Your boss will know. Your boss willl fire you. Don’t portray Mitt Romney sexually, CNN! Who knows what lurks under those magical white garments of silk and iron and grease. [CNN]