As you made your New Year’s Resolution this (last?) year, did you take into account what THE LORD OUR GOD may have wanted you to decide? Oh you did? Well you were probably wrong. Because Pat Robertson spoke directly to God and got the old man’s resolution, as he informed viewers on his teevee program today. In case you forgot to TiVo it, God’s plan is simple and generous (you know God!): He’s “going to give us China.” MORE »

Since his dipshit performance on Sunday’s Meet the Press, former decent human being Ron Paul’s own Paultardation has been soaring to new vistas. He’s also, however, a well-known Jesuser — so Jesusery, in fact, that he doesn’t believe in evolution! Like teh Huckbeez! Can these people even breathe with all that batshit in their mouths? MORE »

Mike Huckabee appeared on MSNBC’s Morning Joe this morning and, among other things, discussed that Christmas ad with the floating not-so-subliminal white cross in the background. (Quick aside: The whole message of the video is about Jesus being the only thing that matters. Why is an intersection of two white lines in the background somehow more controversial than the scary ass sounds that come out of his mouth? Some fucking people….) ANYWAY, Huckabee explains that it was just a bookshelf, and Joe Scarborough laughs his ass off; then at the end his little blond co-host gets bitingly sarcastic. Where’s Tucker Carlson when you need him?

The Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board is deciding next month whether to allow a bunch of Jesusers at the Institution for Creation Research offer science teaching degrees. One might assume that their particular brand of “science” includes lots of amino acids and dinosaurs named Adam, Eve, Eve, Adam and maybe also Eve. MORE »

Some mighty retardation is occurring down in Homestead, Florida, where this dude got an x-ray of his chest and claims that he sees Jesus in it. Reynaldo Farinas went to the doctor to complain for chest pains, and after seeing Jesus on his x-ray, well… he probably still had chest pains. Point is, incidents like this explain why Mike Huckabee is popular. [WESH TV]

Matt Green, founder of the “Christian office and educational supply store chain” Mardel, has pledged to bail Oral Roberts University out of its financial dregs with a donation of $70 million. Green will give $8 million immediately and the remaining $62 million after a thorough review of the school’s financial records. We assume that if he doesn’t see the phrase “Jesusery = happiness” 62 million times in these records, then the deal is off! Green’s donation is a direct result of his Christian altruism, and he doesn’t want any influence in the University’s affairs. Oh, except for the two board of regents seats he is demanding for his family. MORE »