We do not know too much about Jesus literature. What kind of monstrously fucked-up prude porn is in the King James Bible that grants it — and it alone, out of EVERY ITEM EVER MADE — a stay from this North Carolina church’s Hell-o-ween holocaust? Maybe it’s the action scenes. MORE »

JON MCNAUGHTON WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS HIS CRITICS: The mastermind behind the greatest painting ever, Jon McNaughton, would like to go on the record: “Some of the chatter going around on these liberal blog sites I feel is unfounded.” Also: “Why Satan? I don’t for a second believe he looks like that, but I do believe he is real.” [Jon McNaughton Art]

Oh my God. Now it’s the Raiders of the Lost Ark Version of this week’s most famous painting. DON’T LOOK! Who made this monstrous thing? No one knows!

Well how about this! Jacksonville artist David Durrett sends this “real painting” (super-sized) to your Wonkette and writes, “I love Wonkette, and was inspired to do an acrylic response to the Jesus painting yesterday! Hope you like it!!” Yes it is very nice! Maybe Obama can steal this one too, for his house. Also, we’re awarding first-time commenter Shortpacked with an “iPhone” for his take, which was quite a hit yesterday, in the comments. What have the rest of you slobs done lately? [Yes You Canvas, Shortpacked]

A bunch of you have sent us a link to this painting by a fellow named Jon McNaughton, depicting the divine event that took place during the hot Philadelphia summer of 1787, when Jeebus flew to America from his ice cave on Pluto to deliver the U.S. Constitution to some brat before an in-studio audience consisting of George Washington, Mister Hollywood, Liberal News Reporter, Satan, and others. “Jon McNaughton would like to set the record straight,” we read. MORE »

Mexican-ish Lousiana Governor Bobby Jindal loves old Jesus so much. We know this. One time, in college, he more or less raped “saved” a lady from the terrible devil-goblins inhabiting her body, with Jesus’ Magic! Anyway, he’s been doing some other weird thing recently: “In May, June and July, there was rarely a Sunday when the governor didn’t board a taxpayer-funded helicopter to attend church services in far-flung parts of the state. He traveled by helicopter to churches less frequently in March and April.” He’s not just going to these places to steal from the collection plates, either: he’s… preaching? About Paris Hilton? According to an Internet video? Come again? Let’s just let a blockquote do the work here… MORE »

• RED LINE KILLS AGAIN: “Metro reports a person was struck and killed by a Red Line train at Forest Glen this afternoon. The transit authority said it appeared the person was on the tracks deliberately.” Yeah they always say that. [Washington Post]

Former Wonkette warring companion and current nut Erick Erickson of RedState has written a delightful post entitled, “The Peter Principle.” Surely you all went to Sunday School — FYI, if we discover any non-Christians reading Wonkette, we will decapitate & eat them — and know about ol’ Peter, the Rock of Jesus. Erickson writes, “Peter, under pressure and fear, denied Christ not just once, but three times. Peter, though, feared death. The strain on Peter was great. The rest of us, though, typically fear the opinions of others.” And the rest of us, the modern-day Peters, Erickson suggests, are behaving the same way w/r/t three (3) modern-day Jesuses: Mark Levin, Rush Limbaugh, and Dick Cheney. MORE »

Who’s classy now? Florida, again, as always! Here’s the new “vanity plate,” featuring America’s favorite (?) Christian star, Dead Jesus Hanging Off a License Plate With an Orange Behind His Head. This is gonna look sweet with a brass pair of Truck Nutz swingin’ down below. [The Awl]

It was pretty useless and unnecessary for Barack Obama to go out of his way to give a major economics speech at one of Georgetown’s most haunting, gilded Jesus chambers on Tuesday and request that all symbols there be boarded up; because except for a few libtards, who cares if the three letters, “IHS,” are written on some wall. THEN AGAIN maybe he had those letters covered for the express purpose of watching National Review’s Kathryn Jean “Jonah Goldberg” Lopez flip out, which she did, providing ample entertainment for the American Internet during these tough economic times. So thank you for that, President Abortionist! MORE »

DC surely isn’t Tribeca or Cannes, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t have its own fancy film festival. In case you haven’t gone to the DC Independent Film Festival yet, you have until Sunday to catch a glimpse of acclaimed indie films from across the globe. And there’s live music after each show. [DCIFF]
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