Tag Archives: jesus

  'Don't Know Much About History' Now Official Policy

Texas Gets The Moses-Wrote-The-Constitution Textbooks It Deserves

As far as we can tell, this guy is completely serious.
Image by David Dees You may recall that back in September, we told you about some of the fascinating textbooks being written to conform to Texas’s cool new history standards, which the conservative Fordham Institute called “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge.” The textbooks had a lot of interesting takes on American history, like how the founding fathers were inspired by Moses, because a “nation needs a written code of behavior.” Never mind that the Ten Commandments are about individual moral behavior, while the Constitution is largely about voting and representation and stuff, and the Bill of Rights is mostly about restrictions on government power to compel behavior. Moses done it. Read more on Texas Gets The Moses-Wrote-The-Constitution Textbooks It Deserves…
  Here have some news n stuff

America Is Freezing Cold, So Al Gore’s An Idiot. Again.

Whatever, he should just move to Hawaii
Hooray! It’s that time of year when it’s freezing cold, and everyone who Is Not A Scientist but is pretty damned sure real scientists must be wrong about global warming makes “jokes” about global warming because, duh, it is cold so how could the planet be warm? Like Rep. Vicky Hartzler, who earned herself her very own Washington Post explanation about How Does Global Warming Work Anyway, Huh? For those like Hartzler, here’s some more, uh, fuel for their fire: It was super frickin’ freezing cold in America on Tuesday: Read more on America Is Freezing Cold, So Al Gore’s An Idiot. Again….
  Jesus Built My Interstate Commerce Clause

Theocrat And GOP Candidate Mike Peroutka Explains Jesus Is The Football For Your Rights

I think this painting is about a high school football player who's just died of head injuries
On this Election Day, Michael Peroutka — theocrat, neo-confederate, and Republican candidate for county council in Ann Arundel County in Maryland who has also flirted with the Constitution Party because CONSTITUTION — would just like to remind you of the Reason for Election Season: It’s Jesus! Read more on Theocrat And GOP Candidate Mike Peroutka Explains Jesus Is The Football For Your Rights…
  The Socialist Network

Sundays With The Christianists: Marx Was Wrong Because Jesus Loved Inequality

We simply couldn't find a Marxist anime demon girl
Happy Dia De Los Muertos, all you Wonkees! Grab a candy skull and let’s commune with the spirits of the departed, which of course probably sounds like consorting with demons to our favorite deranged Christianist, Colorado radio preacher Kevin Swanson. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Marx Was Wrong Because Jesus Loved Inequality…
  Die For Your Own Sins Taker

Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Invest In Oil, Not Abortion Pills

Have you heard the good word about blood diamonds?
So let’s say you find some extra coin under the sofa cushion, and you’re thinking, “I should invest this and become a billionaire!” Good plan, you, because that’s how it works in America, as long as you’re wearing the right bootstraps. So whom should you call for investment advice? Why, televangelist scam artist and all-around scumsucker Pat Robertson! Read more on Pat Robertson: Jesus Wants You To Invest In Oil, Not Abortion Pills…
  Dia De Los Dipshits

Kirk Cameron Proves Pagans Tried To Steal Halloween From Baby Jesus

Could be Baby Jesus, could be mummies. Your call
Onetime teevee actor Kirk Cameron, getting into the spirit of the pre-Christmas movie release season, gave a very exciting interview to the Christian Post, in which he revealed that Halloween is a 100 percent Christian festival of 100 percent Christian origins. Read more on Kirk Cameron Proves Pagans Tried To Steal Halloween From Baby Jesus…
  These Textbooks Sound Awfully Familiar

New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation

It is a right, actually. Not an excuse, however.
Well here’s a heck of a surprise! You may remember how Texas re-wrote its standards for history books back in 2010, to make sure that kids learned the important parts of history, like who Phyllis Schlafly is and how the Constitution was inspired by the Bible, while downplaying the importance of that nasty deist Thomas Jefferson. The standards adopted by the State Board of Education were so awful that the conservative Fordham Institute called them “a confusing, unteachable hodgepodge” and criticized the SBOE for its “blatant politicizing” of history — especially in its approach to the role of religion: Read more on New Texas Schoolbooks: Moses Wrote The Constitution For Slavery, Segregation…
 

Pothead Has Solution For Border Crisis

Well, lookie there! We done stoled the Daily Caller’s headline! And in just a minute, we will steal the rest of their post, too, about how Willie Nelson, the country’s most-loved octogenarian, and one who unites rednecks and kicked-hippies in mutual tenderness, thinks we should be nice to the Border Children. Let’s take a peek! Read more on Pothead Has Solution For Border Crisis…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: How Dare You Call Anyone A Racist When The Blacks Are Such Criminals?

Scootaloo is neither a gun owner nor Jewish, as far as we know. She worships Rainbow Dash
Time for another trip to the slop bucket that is our Comments Queue, and we have a fine variety of the loveliest Dear Shitferbrainses you could hope for this time out. First up, one “DakirSmith” was quite upset with us for slurring fired racist radio guy Anthony Cumia as a “racist.” UNFAIR! No way is Anthony Cumia a racist, and we would know that if only we’d hung on every word Anthony Cumia has ever said about black people, like DakirSmith has: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: How Dare You Call Anyone A Racist When The Blacks Are Such Criminals?…
  make me want to holler

‘Black Jesus’ About As Popular With Pharisees As The Original

Wingnuts raised hell in 1968 about this Black Jesus, too.
Hey, did you kidz watch that new show Thursday night, “Black Jesus,” on the Adult Swim Cartoons For Stoned Grownups Teevee Channel? We did not, because we are traveling and without TiVo, and we haven’t watched television in real time for at least five years now, let alone stayed up after 11 on a school night. We are old. Read more on ‘Black Jesus’ About As Popular With Pharisees As The Original…
  you can sagan that again

Neil DeGrasse Tyson Being Super Mean To Idiots Again

Neil deGrasse Tyson took a moment on Bill Maher’s HBO show to reply to creationist nutter Ken Ham, who recently said that we shouldn’t explore space because not only are aliens Not Out There, but if they are, we must avoid them because they’re bound for the Everlasting Lake of Fire. Read more on Neil DeGrasse Tyson Being Super Mean To Idiots Again…
  jesus died for somebody's sins but not theirs

Ken Ham Pretty Sure That Aliens Don’t Exist, But If They Do, They’re Going To Hell

We will admit that there are well-meaning arguments on both sides of the debate about whether it is wise to generously fund America’s space program. On the one hand, ‘Merica needs that relatively tiny amount of money for lots of other things probably. On the other hand, space is pretty fucking dope. You’ll note that neither of those credible thoughts is predicated on the notion that we shouldn’t poke around in space because aliens are unredeemed by Jesus and would go to hell, if they existed. But that’s because we are not Ken Ham, creationist nutbar extraordinaire. Read more on Ken Ham Pretty Sure That Aliens Don’t Exist, But If They Do, They’re Going To Hell…
  must credit wonkette

Sexclusive! Wonkette Mocks Alan Keyes’ Exclusive Letter To His Facebook Friend

We never fail to be amused by WND’s shameless overuse of the word “exclusive” to refer to basically every post on their nonsense site. One of their latest exciting exclusives comes from our old friend Alan Keyes, who wrote an entire post about how one of his imaginary Facebook friends asked him a question, and Alan Keyes was so very taken by the query that he had to take to the extremely elite pages of WND to answer. Was it about Barack Obama and how Alan Keyes gonna impeach him so good, for Jesus? Of course it was! Read more on Sexclusive! Wonkette Mocks Alan Keyes’ Exclusive Letter To His Facebook Friend…
  suffer the little children to get bent

Virginia Remembers Jesus’s Words, ‘Suffer The Little Children To Come Unto Me,’ Unless The Little Children Are Messican

Hey, y’all hear about this burgeoning crisis of little children sent by their anguished, desperate parents alone to America? If your sole source of news is this here Wonket, you didn’t, because “unaccompanied minors flooding into the nation by the thousands and then getting locked in tiny baby jails” is not easily festooned with dick jokes. Well, it’s been bubbling up for a while now, we can only assume because Big Chief Kenyan sent out a telepathic message calling all his fellow foreign brown people to flood the heartland. And flood it they have! Why, even the Real Murica that is Virginia is inundated with these small scary monsters, and the Good ChristiansTM there are none too pleased! Over 1,000 angry residents of the small, rural town here gathered at Brunswick High School on Thursday and reamed out local, state, and federal government officials for offering the St. Paul’s College building as temporary emergency shelter for 500 unaccompanied alien children (UAC’s) coming from Texas. St. Paul’s, a historically black college, shut down five years ago after losing its accreditation. “Right now we have a town — I can go home. I can get supper. At 9 o’clock at night I can come back to my office by myself go in there and do work, come out at 11:30 get in my car and never worry about being harmed. I can’t do that anymore if y’all come,” said Pam Thomas. “You can’t put them over there and it’s not a prison anymore. It’s a closed facility.” Oh shit. The babies gonna rape, murder, rape-murder, and rape-murder-throw-in-a-ditch this lady! Time to get a gun, lady. Brown babies coming atcha! Read more on Virginia Remembers Jesus’s Words, ‘Suffer The Little Children To Come Unto Me,’ Unless The Little Children Are Messican…
  history repeating

Mormons Gonna Kick It Old School By Excommunicating People, Probably

Remember how back in 2012 or so the Mormons decided to be kinder gentler Mormons, and you had to endure one million of those billboards with a carefully curated racially diverse selection of Mormons? And they had to be racially diverse ads because of that whole thing where Mormons didn’t let black people be priests until thirty-five years ago. And all the teevee ads? SO MANY TEEVEE ADS. We were just beginning to feel all warm and fuzzy about Mormons, but then they had to go and remind us that they didn’t forget how to be dicks and are totally gonna get their excommunication on. Read more on Mormons Gonna Kick It Old School By Excommunicating People, Probably…
  Dad Boners

Oh Look At All These Dads Creeping On Their Daughters, For Jesus

“Do not allow the obvious metaphor behind us to give you any ideas, young lady.” In virginity news, let us now examine Swedish photographer David Magnusson’s photographs of fathers and virginal daughters at their purity balls. What is a purity ball, you ask? Oh, just a formal ceremony where a daughter pledges not to experience natural, healthy sexual pleasure in any way, shape, or form until she’s married, of course. She makes the promise to God, but since he’s busy being invisible in the sky, her dad stands in. This makes sense when you consider the aggressively patriarchal nature of conservative Christianity. It also makes sense when you consider that some fathers are not happy nice time people but are instead creepy, overprotective hymencopter dads, who totally look like they want to fuck their daughters. Read more on Oh Look At All These Dads Creeping On Their Daughters, For Jesus…
  grin and bear it

Ann B. Davis Crashes A Ferrari Through A Giant Moustache In Today’s Happy Nice Time Links

Like we always do at this time, some Happy Nice Time links to round out your day. John Oliver made us, for a brief shining moment, care about net neutrality. You slept on your chance to buy that house where Cameron accidentally kicked the Ferrari through the big glass window in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Read more on Ann B. Davis Crashes A Ferrari Through A Giant Moustache In Today’s Happy Nice Time Links…
  you can haz cheeseburger

GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables

The kids are our future, so we should treasure them and take care of each individual precious snowflake child, each of whom is a gift from God or Allah or Spirit Pasta or whatever. But you know what? Skinny snowflakes suck. Don’t you like fat, enormous snowflakes? So do Republicans, which is why they continue to fight tooth and nail against any initiative to make our kids more healthy: A [House of Representatives] Appropriations subpanel approved language that would require the Agriculture Department to waive requirements to serve fruits, vegetables and low-sodium and low-fat foods for schools that can show their lunch programs are losing money. Read more on GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables…
  faith-off of the century

Pat Robertson And Ken Ham In Sexy Young-Earth-Creationism Catfight

We always enjoy a good wingnut-on-wingnut squirmish, and here’s a dandy: “Young-Earth” creationist Ken Ham, the squirrel (or perhaps Cronopio dentiacutus) who “debated” Bill Nye at the Creation Museum a while back, is very, very cross with fellow rightwing Christianist Pat Robertson because Robertson recently said that the Earth is not, in fact, six thousand years old. Ham said that Robertson’s rejection of the literal truth of the first chapters of Genesis was Bad For The Christians: “Sadly, it’s Pat Robertson who makes Christianity look silly, which is why the atheists love him today,” Ham said. “What a travesty! This man uses his position on a major Christian TV program to help the atheists mock God’s Word!” Now, now, Ken: we love you both, and we don’t play favorites. Better? Read more on Pat Robertson And Ken Ham In Sexy Young-Earth-Creationism Catfight…
  take your 'smart' and shove it

Gun Enthusiasts Defend Freedom By Yelling At Lady Who Invented Gun-Safety Thing

Guns. Hot damn, if we all don’t want bigger, badder, better guns! Pew! Pew! Pew! America, Fuck Yeah, Second Amendment, NRA, freedoms, and all that jazz! Am I right! And if we occasionally need to feed the Tree Of Liberty with the blood of dozens of schoolchildren, then so be it, because GUNS ARE TEH BEST. We don’t care if they are big guns or small guns, so long as they are dick-shaped and can help us overcome masculine insecurities, we’ll take whatever you are offering. Can I get an ‘amen’ from the gun enthusiasts? RawStory has the amen: Belinda Padilla, president and CEO of the U.S. division of firearm manufacturer Armatix, says she was stalked and threatened by “gun enthusiasts” after she tried to bring a safer handgun to market. Oh right. We love guns, except for better, safer guns. Because even the option of a safer gun somewhere is an affront to freedom everywhere, just like that Martin Luther King Jr. guy said, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere,” except with guns and safety being a threat to freedom. Un-ironic self-five for MLK reference!  Read more on Gun Enthusiasts Defend Freedom By Yelling At Lady Who Invented Gun-Safety Thing…
  go away i'm batin'

Ladies, Your Endless Pawing At Your Genitals Isn’t Winning You Any Friends In Heaven

Hey ladies! How’s it hanging? And by “it,” I mean your engorged clitoris, which you are currently diddling because of Satan and lust and sadness and idolatry and the “void” that is your ginny. Let’s all get out our hand mirrors and hold them up to inspect … OUR SOULS! Read more on Ladies, Your Endless Pawing At Your Genitals Isn’t Winning You Any Friends In Heaven…