Tag Archives: jesus

  you can sagan that again

Neil DeGrasse Tyson Being Super Mean To Idiots Again

Neil deGrasse Tyson took a moment on Bill Maher’s HBO show to reply to creationist nutter Ken Ham, who recently said that we shouldn’t explore space because not only are aliens Not Out There, but if they are, we must avoid them because they’re bound for the Everlasting Lake of Fire. Read more on Neil DeGrasse Tyson Being Super Mean To Idiots Again…
  jesus died for somebody's sins but not theirs

Ken Ham Pretty Sure That Aliens Don’t Exist, But If They Do, They’re Going To Hell

We will admit that there are well-meaning arguments on both sides of the debate about whether it is wise to generously fund America’s space program. On the one hand, ‘Merica needs that relatively tiny amount of money for lots of other things probably. On the other hand, space is pretty fucking dope. You’ll note that neither of those credible thoughts is predicated on the notion that we shouldn’t poke around in space because aliens are unredeemed by Jesus and would go to hell, if they existed. But that’s because we are not Ken Ham, creationist nutbar extraordinaire. Read more on Ken Ham Pretty Sure That Aliens Don’t Exist, But If They Do, They’re Going To Hell…
  must credit wonkette

Sexclusive! Wonkette Mocks Alan Keyes’ Exclusive Letter To His Facebook Friend

We never fail to be amused by WND’s shameless overuse of the word “exclusive” to refer to basically every post on their nonsense site. One of their latest exciting exclusives comes from our old friend Alan Keyes, who wrote an entire post about how one of his imaginary Facebook friends asked him a question, and Alan Keyes was so very taken by the query that he had to take to the extremely elite pages of WND to answer. Was it about Barack Obama and how Alan Keyes gonna impeach him so good, for Jesus? Of course it was! Read more on Sexclusive! Wonkette Mocks Alan Keyes’ Exclusive Letter To His Facebook Friend…
  suffer the little children to get bent

Virginia Remembers Jesus’s Words, ‘Suffer The Little Children To Come Unto Me,’ Unless The Little Children Are Messican

Hey, y’all hear about this burgeoning crisis of little children sent by their anguished, desperate parents alone to America? If your sole source of news is this here Wonket, you didn’t, because “unaccompanied minors flooding into the nation by the thousands and then getting locked in tiny baby jails” is not easily festooned with dick jokes. Well, it’s been bubbling up for a while now, we can only assume because Big Chief Kenyan sent out a telepathic message calling all his fellow foreign brown people to flood the heartland. And flood it they have! Why, even the Real Murica that is Virginia is inundated with these small scary monsters, and the Good ChristiansTM there are none too pleased! Over 1,000 angry residents of the small, rural town here gathered at Brunswick High School on Thursday and reamed out local, state, and federal government officials for offering the St. Paul’s College building as temporary emergency shelter for 500 unaccompanied alien children (UAC’s) coming from Texas. St. Paul’s, a historically black college, shut down five years ago after losing its accreditation. “Right now we have a town — I can go home. I can get supper. At 9 o’clock at night I can come back to my office by myself go in there and do work, come out at 11:30 get in my car and never worry about being harmed. I can’t do that anymore if y’all come,” said Pam Thomas. “You can’t put them over there and it’s not a prison anymore. It’s a closed facility.” Oh shit. The babies gonna rape, murder, rape-murder, and rape-murder-throw-in-a-ditch this lady! Time to get a gun, lady. Brown babies coming atcha! Read more on Virginia Remembers Jesus’s Words, ‘Suffer The Little Children To Come Unto Me,’ Unless The Little Children Are Messican…
  history repeating

Mormons Gonna Kick It Old School By Excommunicating People, Probably

Remember how back in 2012 or so the Mormons decided to be kinder gentler Mormons, and you had to endure one million of those billboards with a carefully curated racially diverse selection of Mormons? And they had to be racially diverse ads because of that whole thing where Mormons didn’t let black people be priests until thirty-five years ago. And all the teevee ads? SO MANY TEEVEE ADS. We were just beginning to feel all warm and fuzzy about Mormons, but then they had to go and remind us that they didn’t forget how to be dicks and are totally gonna get their excommunication on. Read more on Mormons Gonna Kick It Old School By Excommunicating People, Probably…
  Dad Boners

Oh Look At All These Dads Creeping On Their Daughters, For Jesus

“Do not allow the obvious metaphor behind us to give you any ideas, young lady.” In virginity news, let us now examine Swedish photographer David Magnusson’s photographs of fathers and virginal daughters at their purity balls. What is a purity ball, you ask? Oh, just a formal ceremony where a daughter pledges not to experience natural, healthy sexual pleasure in any way, shape, or form until she’s married, of course. She makes the promise to God, but since he’s busy being invisible in the sky, her dad stands in. This makes sense when you consider the aggressively patriarchal nature of conservative Christianity. It also makes sense when you consider that some fathers are not happy nice time people but are instead creepy, overprotective hymencopter dads, who totally look like they want to fuck their daughters. Read more on Oh Look At All These Dads Creeping On Their Daughters, For Jesus…
  grin and bear it

Ann B. Davis Crashes A Ferrari Through A Giant Moustache In Today’s Happy Nice Time Links

Like we always do at this time, some Happy Nice Time links to round out your day. John Oliver made us, for a brief shining moment, care about net neutrality. You slept on your chance to buy that house where Cameron accidentally kicked the Ferrari through the big glass window in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Read more on Ann B. Davis Crashes A Ferrari Through A Giant Moustache In Today’s Happy Nice Time Links…
  you can haz cheeseburger

GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables

The kids are our future, so we should treasure them and take care of each individual precious snowflake child, each of whom is a gift from God or Allah or Spirit Pasta or whatever. But you know what? Skinny snowflakes suck. Don’t you like fat, enormous snowflakes? So do Republicans, which is why they continue to fight tooth and nail against any initiative to make our kids more healthy: A [House of Representatives] Appropriations subpanel approved language that would require the Agriculture Department to waive requirements to serve fruits, vegetables and low-sodium and low-fat foods for schools that can show their lunch programs are losing money. Read more on GOP Opens New Front In War On Fruits & Vegetables…
  faith-off of the century

Pat Robertson And Ken Ham In Sexy Young-Earth-Creationism Catfight

We always enjoy a good wingnut-on-wingnut squirmish, and here’s a dandy: “Young-Earth” creationist Ken Ham, the squirrel (or perhaps Cronopio dentiacutus) who “debated” Bill Nye at the Creation Museum a while back, is very, very cross with fellow rightwing Christianist Pat Robertson because Robertson recently said that the Earth is not, in fact, six thousand years old. Ham said that Robertson’s rejection of the literal truth of the first chapters of Genesis was Bad For The Christians: “Sadly, it’s Pat Robertson who makes Christianity look silly, which is why the atheists love him today,” Ham said. “What a travesty! This man uses his position on a major Christian TV program to help the atheists mock God’s Word!” Now, now, Ken: we love you both, and we don’t play favorites. Better? Read more on Pat Robertson And Ken Ham In Sexy Young-Earth-Creationism Catfight…
  take your 'smart' and shove it

Gun Enthusiasts Defend Freedom By Yelling At Lady Who Invented Gun-Safety Thing

Guns. Hot damn, if we all don’t want bigger, badder, better guns! Pew! Pew! Pew! America, Fuck Yeah, Second Amendment, NRA, freedoms, and all that jazz! Am I right! And if we occasionally need to feed the Tree Of Liberty with the blood of dozens of schoolchildren, then so be it, because GUNS ARE TEH BEST. We don’t care if they are big guns or small guns, so long as they are dick-shaped and can help us overcome masculine insecurities, we’ll take whatever you are offering. Can I get an ‘amen’ from the gun enthusiasts? RawStory has the amen: Belinda Padilla, president and CEO of the U.S. division of firearm manufacturer Armatix, says she was stalked and threatened by “gun enthusiasts” after she tried to bring a safer handgun to market. Oh right. We love guns, except for better, safer guns. Because even the option of a safer gun somewhere is an affront to freedom everywhere, just like that Martin Luther King Jr. guy said, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere,” except with guns and safety being a threat to freedom. Un-ironic self-five for MLK reference!  Read more on Gun Enthusiasts Defend Freedom By Yelling At Lady Who Invented Gun-Safety Thing…
  go away i'm batin'

Ladies, Your Endless Pawing At Your Genitals Isn’t Winning You Any Friends In Heaven

Hey ladies! How’s it hanging? And by “it,” I mean your engorged clitoris, which you are currently diddling because of Satan and lust and sadness and idolatry and the “void” that is your ginny. Let’s all get out our hand mirrors and hold them up to inspect … OUR SOULS! Read more on Ladies, Your Endless Pawing At Your Genitals Isn’t Winning You Any Friends In Heaven…
  what does god need with an asteroid?

Pat Robertson Thought You Should Know About This Asteroid Jesus Is Sending Next Week Maybe

Sure, there’s your Glenn Becks and your Alex Joneses, but let’s never discount the pure joy of good old-fashioned batshit fundagelical craziness, and by that, we mean Pat Robertson, who 700 Clubbed us Tuesday with the news that any moment now, God may unleash the End of Days by sucker-punching the planet Earth with a bigass asteroid that will wipe out a third of humanity, just like He promised in the Book of Revelation. And it could happen next week! Or in a thousand years. But it’s definitely on the way! Oh, Pat Robertson, you are still a national treasure and we will never write you off as a has-been. Your old-school crazy is an inspiration to us all, and a reassuring presence: when so many hucksters come and go, you are a reliable source of unfiltered Jesustupidity. Read more on Pat Robertson Thought You Should Know About This Asteroid Jesus Is Sending Next Week Maybe…
  your easter vomit

Stupidest Man On Internet Pretty Mad That Bamz Spent Easter Making Sweet Love To Muslims

Barack Hussein Obama committed the unpardonable sin of mentioning other religions in his Jesus Weed Day message, which was clearly an offense to God and a signal that he is hopelessly out of touch with the true message of Easter, which is that we must hate all Muslims forever. You see, what Obama did was to shockingly suggest that Muslims somehow share values with other people: Holy Week and Easter are times for reflection and renewal. We remember the grace of an awesome God, who loves us so deeply that He gave us his only Son … And we recommit ourselves to following His example, to love and serve one another, particularly “the least of these” among us, just as He loves every one of us. The common thread of humanity that connects us all — not just Christians and Jews, but Muslims and Hindus and Sikhs — is our shared commitment to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. To remember, I am my brother’s keeper. I am my sister’s keeper. Whatever your faith, believer or nonbeliever, there’s no better time to rededicate ourselves to that universal mission. For me, Easter is a story of hope – a belief in a better day to come, just around the bend. How! Dare! He! Read more on Stupidest Man On Internet Pretty Mad That Bamz Spent Easter Making Sweet Love To Muslims…
  the boors you will always have with you

Bryan Fischer Revises Christian Teaching On Wealth, Explains Poors Should ‘Kiss The Ground’ Where 1% Walk

Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth. Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!” –Mark 10:21-23 And lo, the prophet Bryan, Fischer of Men, did speak to the people Tuesday through their radios, and he did say, “Now just wait a darn minute… have you thought this through? The rich pay for everything, so just you knock off your class warfare, Jesus.” Read more on Bryan Fischer Revises Christian Teaching On Wealth, Explains Poors Should ‘Kiss The Ground’ Where 1% Walk…
  suck it poors

Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin Is A Horrible Person Who Hates The Poor

Liberals, we need to talk. On our pages, we deride Republicans for being anti-poor just because they are always trying to cut food stamps and deny people health care. But are they really that bad? Gov. Mary Fallin of Oklahoma is trying to show us that Republicans aren’t that bad. They’re worse. Per NewsOK: Cities in Oklahoma are prohibited from establishing mandatory minimum wage or vacation and sick-day requirements under a bill that has been signed into law by Gov. Mary Fallin. Wait. So in addition to merely opposing minimum wage hikes, Republicans in Oklahoma are actively ensuring that wages stay where they are, whether localities want to pay their workers more or not. Suck it, local control! Mary “Nannystate” Fallin is here to ram some big ol State Government down your throat! Because some freedom is okay (read: guns), but we don’t want to be as free as a place like North Korea or anything!  Read more on Oklahoma Gov. Mary Fallin Is A Horrible Person Who Hates The Poor…
  all we are saying is give beck a chance

Glenn Beck Pretty Sure He Is Just Like Martin Luther King About This Whole Bundy Ranch Kerfuffle

We are discomfited when we find ourselves on the same side as Glenn Beck. Is it because we fear he’s standing next to us just to stab us in the kidneys? Yes! Is it because we fear he is off the rails and therefore if we are agreeing we might have jumped the track as well? Yes! But we find we are in agreement with the Crying One over the whole Waco Wannabe Shootout at the OK Corral thing happening in Nevada as militia and Tea Party types stand their ground on behalf of Cliven Bundy’s cattle, because Glenn Beck does not think that going full armed insurrection in Nevada is a dandy idea. Wait what? Read more on Glenn Beck Pretty Sure He Is Just Like Martin Luther King About This Whole Bundy Ranch Kerfuffle…
  can't we just forget about that whole camel needle thing?

Rich Lady Calls Cops On Statue Of ‘Homeless Jesus’ For Some Reason That Will Definitely Make Sense

Let’s be honest. There is a lot of bad public art, like the terrifyingly large Marilyn Monroe statue or the rictus death smile Henry Winkler one, but sometimes public art is cool and provocative but then when it is those things, lots of people do not like it at all, oh no they don’t. Take, for example, the homeless Jesus statue, which has many many rich people in a tizzy. The statue depicts Jesus as a vagrant sleeping on a park bench. St. Alban’s Episcopal Church installed the homeless Jesus statue on its property in the middle of an upscale neighborhood filled with well-kept townhomes. Jesus is huddled under a blanket with his face and hands obscured; only the crucifixion wounds on his uncovered feet give him away. That sounds very cool! And very in keeping with the life of Jesus, who was an itinerant wanderer who lived among the poor and downtrodden and “what you do for the least of my brothers” and all that hippie nonsense. But rich people do not really dig the poor and downtrodden, because they are more into that vengeful Jesus that makes them rich through that prosperity gospel stuff and also too Jesus wouldn’t have been a wussy homeless person. The first time Cindy Castano Swannack of Davidson, N.C., saw the statue – called “Homeless Jesus” – she called the police. […] Read more on Rich Lady Calls Cops On Statue Of ‘Homeless Jesus’ For Some Reason That Will Definitely Make Sense…
  ugly vile little snark mob

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Do Liberals Hate Sarah Palin But Love Gay Graham Crackers?

In lieu of a Derp Roundup this week, we bring you a special weekend edition of Dear Shitferbrains, leading off with this very important observation from “bmmg39″ in response to our Clipbait piece about Sarah Palin’s appearance in a sketch on The Tonight Show. We’d said that it wasn’t terrible, that she had one good line, and that she surprised us by agreeing to participate in a gag about how close Russia and Alaska are. And so, of course, bmmg39 told us off for being so unreasonably hateful: I’m not sure what’s more entertaining: Palin’s appearance on T.T.S., or watching the “tolerant left” completely lose its [mind] over said appearance. Fallon can have on the president, the first lady, and countless other Democrats and “progressives,” but the minute he has on someone they don’t like he goes on their boycott list. It’s both hilarious and a little sad. Strangely, while there were certainly a number of comments (how did those even get there?) from people who said — sometimes with colorful epithets — that they didn’t like seeing Palin on Fallon’s show, nobody said a single thing about boycotting Fallon because of it. Odd, this rightwing reading comprehension. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Why Do Liberals Hate Sarah Palin But Love Gay Graham Crackers?…
  and the lord said 'get a job ya bum'

Tea Party Jesus Likes Income Inequality Just Fine, Says Wingnut

Well here is a big change! Tea Party Unity head man Rick Scarborough is talking about something other than buttsex! This is unusual, because he really likes to talk about buttsex. But instead, he — or rather, his guest on a Tea Party Unity webcast, former California state Assemblyman Howard Kaloogian, talked about Jesus and how the Prince of Peace is opposed to reducing income inequality, because it says so right in the Bible. Kaloogian explained this a bit further: I think it’s clear that God has a position on many of the things we deem political today, from life to theft to the doctrine of covetousness, which by the way seems to be the promotion of the left. You know, they talk about “income inequality,” well what is that but covetousness? So how could somebody support that cause if they’re biblical believing Christians? It’s so true! The poors might start coveting $10 an hour, and then where would we be? It’s just like that time when Jesus told the multitude, “Damn you, stop coveting my loaves and fishes! Get out! MINE!” Heaven knows that there’s nothing covetous about simply wanting to pile up more and more wealth for yourself — we just dare you to find Jesus saying a single word about that. Read more on Tea Party Jesus Likes Income Inequality Just Fine, Says Wingnut…
  and the grifters shall inherit the earth

This Fake TV ‘Church’ Owns All The Money In The World, For Jesus

We all know the rich are being attacked by TAXES. But for every problem there is a solution. Just put your faith in Jesus, and He will shield your money from the IRS, just like Linus told Charlie Brown was the true meaning of Christmas. Hell, you don’t even need to establish a brick-and-mortar church, per NPR: Based in a studio complex between Dallas and Fort Worth, Texas, and broadcasting to a potential audience of 2 billion people around the globe, Daystar calls itself the fastest growing Christian television network in the world. The Internal Revenue Service considers Daystar something else: a church. Yeah, buddy! Daystar has $233 MILLION in assets, rakes in $35 million from viewers every year, don’t have a church building, and they are totally UNTOUCHABLE. Fuck this blog shit – we are gonna launch Wonkette Worldwide Church TV, coming to your hungover eyeballs soon. Read more on This Fake TV ‘Church’ Owns All The Money In The World, For Jesus…
  what would vengeful god do?

Modern Technology For Your Vengeful God

As a Bible-believing Christian, you’re no stranger to outrage. Only now you’re outraged at yourself. It started with that excellent Arizona bill to protect Godly businesses from gay sinners. You found out about that from the Huffington Post. The Huffington Post, for the admiration of Moses! (Why were you even looking at the Huffington Post? You will remember to discuss this with your Pastor.) Then, bam! Before you could say “amen,” that nice lady Jan Brewer vetoes the thing! You could hardly believe it! That shook you, but now comes the final straw. A bill protecting people who rebel against God’s gender choices has cleared the Maryland State Senate and is full steam ahead for passage. Where did this come from, besides Satan? How are you supposed to write righteous letters and call legislative offices and yell at everyone righteously if you’re as blind as that guy in the Bible who was blind until Jesus healed him? But then! Like a push notification from God, it comes to you: TrackBill. There is probably something called TrackBill that you can use to keep on top of this stuff. So you check, and yes there is, and it’s called TrackBill! Read more on Modern Technology For Your Vengeful God…