Tag Archives: jesus

  that's not racial transcendence

What If We Cut Off Food Stamps And Starve The Poors In Baltimore? That Might Work!

Baltimore’s citizens are as mad as hell and sick and tired of being sick and tired, and every jerkhole with a mouth has an opinion about what they really need to shut ’em up and make ’em stop being so mad and sick and tired and and protesting about it and getting themselves beaten up and killed by the police all the time. Read more on What If We Cut Off Food Stamps And Starve The Poors In Baltimore? That Might Work!…
  the devil made me do it

Gay-Hating Oregon Cake Bakers: Satan Cancelled Our GoFundMe! (No, Not Kidding)

True fact. And she loved cake.
So, these fuckers, you might remember them. Aaron and Melissa Klein had a business in Gresham, Oregon, called “Sweet Cakes By Melissa,” which was a purveyor of sweet cakes, obviously, and is definitely not a veiled reference to Melissa’s piping hot rack. And of course, they have Beliefs. Very, very important Christian beliefs, the kind which are Sincerely Held, and are centered around hating gays. So, same old story, a gay couple wanted a cake for their wedding, gross bigots refused to bake cake, etc. Complaints were filed with Oregon’s Bureau of Labor and Industries (BOLI), and after a couple of years of litigation, they ruled last week that the Kleins were GUILTY AS CHARGED under Oregon’s nondiscrimination laws: Read more on Gay-Hating Oregon Cake Bakers: Satan Cancelled Our GoFundMe! (No, Not Kidding)…
  This will be just great

Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate

Next he will be governor, then president, and after that king of the universe!
Colorado state Rep. Gordon “disgraced former Navy chaplain” Klingenschmitt, who is one of yr Wonkette’s favorites, has been in the Colorado House for a whole five minutes or so, and in that time he’s made a mark! Most recently, he was in the news because he went on his Funtime Afternoon Jesus Video Program and said that a truly gruesome attack on a pregnant woman happened because God hates ‘bortion so much, so he, in his infinite omniscient wisdom, sure showed that bitch! Read more on Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate…
  except no he is not

Senate Cafeteria Cook Is On Food Stamps, Must Be One Of Those Moochers GOP Always Talks About

Not an exact rendering of the Senate cafeteria.
There is a piece in The Guardian written by Bertrand Olotara, one of the many service workers who ensures that Congress even HAS a place in which to grandstand, or alternately, sit around and do nothing. Olotara is a cook in the Senate cafeteria, and he and his fellow workers, employees of a government contractor, are pissed off, and they are striking. You see, Olotara, who cooks every day for senators and their staffers (when they’re not eating free Taco Bell or Chick-Fil-A), is on food stamps, because he is a single father, and he can’t afford to put food on his family on the $12 an hour he is paid to shovel gruel into Ted Cruz’s wordhole: Read more on Senate Cafeteria Cook Is On Food Stamps, Must Be One Of Those Moochers GOP Always Talks About…
  The Gun Is Good. The Penis Is Better

Florida Pastor Has A Penis, Like Adam, Moses, Jesus, And All Real Leaders

Male supremacy: An idea whose time may at last be here
Meet Pastor Bill Lytell of the Gospel Baptist Church in Bonita Springs, Florida. He’s got a pretty fab new insight into how God wants things to work: Men should always be the boss of ladies, and not ever the other way around, because of God’s mighty penis and the hefty testicles of Adam, Moses, and Jesus (make no mistake though, they all lived at different times, and therefore their weighty mansacks never touched, so no homo). Read more on Florida Pastor Has A Penis, Like Adam, Moses, Jesus, And All Real Leaders…
  Nice Time kinda sorta maybe?

Religious-Freedom-Curious States Maybe Rethinking That Now, Whoops

Helpful hints
  It’s not all bad news on the Religious Freedom front! Yes, Indiana is suffering under the weight of a dumb governor who signed a “religious freedom” bill explicitly designed so that the put-upon wingnuts of the state don’t ever have to look at gay people. And yes, many other states are currently considering similar laws. However, news comes today that there are three places where Republicans (!!!) are standing up and mouthing the words, “I do not want our state to be a national joke like Indiana.” It doesn’t necessarily mean the laws won’t pass — for every smart Republican there are exactly 7,000 stupid ones — but at least there is a glimmer of sanity on the horizon. Read more on Religious-Freedom-Curious States Maybe Rethinking That Now, Whoops…
  George Stephanopoulos's questions have a well known liberal bias

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence: I Proudly Signed Some Anti-Gay Sh*t I Don’t Understand

I am a deeply stupid man, I am the biggest idiot, I am the worst governor of any of the states, and that is saying something.
Mike Pence Is Not Here To Answer Questions Indiana governor Mike Pence is either a deeply stupid man, or he’s been convinced that the deeply stupid Good Christians of his state are truly facing dire harm from having to provide services to, or acknowledge the existence, of LGBT people. Or he’s just a liar. According to the available evidence, the answer is “all of the above.” Pence spent the weekend standing athwart intelligence and screaming “STOP!”, most notably on the George Stephanopoulos Sunday Teevee Funtimes Mimosa Hour, where he attempted to defend his decision to sign Indiana’s new Fuck The Gays bill, known by its supporters as a totally necessary safeguard protecting their precious religious freedom. Read more on Indiana Gov. Mike Pence: I Proudly Signed Some Anti-Gay Sh*t I Don’t Understand…
  They are just saying that's all

Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!

The newest hysterical entry into the “who can wig out the best over gay marriage?” contest comes from the Knoxville Baptist Tabernacle Church in Knoxville, Tennessee, who decided to use their church sign to remind everyone that this whole fight for “equal rights” is nothing new. In fact, Satan himself debuted the concept, when he wanted equality with God, or something like that, we are pretty sure none of this is in the Bible: Read more on Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!…
  Here's an ACTUAL candidate for rehoming

Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore’s Offspring Arrested For Being Good Christian, Also Drugs

Awwww, he's cute, doesn't look near as stupid as his Daddy.
It’s very difficult these days, managing a career devoted to mangling the lives of LGBT people you’ve never met, and also raising your own children. Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore knows this struggle well, as he seems to have a rabid dick-child who probably needs to be rehomed with nature. The child’s name is Caleb, and he is probably wasted right now, as he was when he got arrested again for being a ne’er-do-well: Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore’s Offspring Arrested For Being Good Christian, Also Drugs…
  but jesus told me to give her a black eye

Religious Freedom To Hate Gays And Maybe Beat Your Wife Spreading Everywhere, Hooray!

Mission accomplished!
Now that The Great Gay Scourge is spreading unfettered across the land — what with the gays marrying and not being thrown into jail and/or executed for the buttsechs — it is time for us to focus on the Real Victims of Oppression. We are referring, of course, to good, honest, Bible-believing Christians, whose God-given right to prevent gays from public housing and accommodations has come under threat from the tyranny of judicial activists. Read more on Religious Freedom To Hate Gays And Maybe Beat Your Wife Spreading Everywhere, Hooray!…
  Missionary positions available

Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!

Imagine you are a center of Legitimate Jesus Worship during the day, and a center of NEKKID BEACH PARTIES at night, because this is part of your “ministry.” You would be the Life Center: A Spiritual Community church, in Panama City Beach, and now the mean government is saying you’ve lost your tax exempt status because they’re just not sure college kids painting their naked Adam and Eve parts for Spring Break time on the beach is something any benevolent deity has actually requested recently. The government is the WORST: Read more on Sexy Florida Church Must Pay Taxes On All-Night Naked Beach Parties, Unfair!…
  If You Meet The Buddha At The Watercooler Kill Him

Pat Robertson Warns Lady To Quit Job Before Buddhist Coworkers Get Nirvana All Over Her

Make me one with everything
Forget flashy newcomers like Kevin Swanson or Gordon Klingenschmitt, ain’t no young whippersnappers ever gonna out-goofy ol’ Pat Robertson. As proof, consider his advice to “Tina,” who emailed regarding her workplace quandary about people who insist on believing in strange magical things that just aren’t true: Read more on Pat Robertson Warns Lady To Quit Job Before Buddhist Coworkers Get Nirvana All Over Her…
 

Wingnut Kevin Swanson Warns About Girl Scout Lesbians, Because He Is A Weirdo

So arrogant!
If you read Wonk on the regular, you will recognize Kevin Swanson as the wingnut homeschool advocate Dok did a nice series of book reports on in his always lovely feature Sundays With The Christianists. Swanson is also pretty sure that the Disney feature film “Frozen” will turn your child into a gay witch. Know what else will turn your daughter into a gay witch, or at least a lesbian something or other? Thin mints and samoas, and all the other various Girl Scout cookies, your precious is going to be on an express train to Muff Town if you let her be a Girl Scout. Yes, this long, stupid segment, which echoes many of Kevin’s earlier segments, is predicated on “the Girl Scout issue”: Read more on Wingnut Kevin Swanson Warns About Girl Scout Lesbians, Because He Is A Weirdo…
  Next they'll be giving their Lifetime Achievement Award to dead George Wallace

Completely Real Coalition Of African-American Pastors To Give ‘MLK Award’ To Alabama’s Roy Moore

A group that calls itself the Coalition of African-American Pastors has finally found a freedom fighter worthy of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s legacy, and it is the holistically bigoted Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore, he who has been heroically standing in the gay courthouse door, for freedom, pretty much this entire year, and whose court buddies on Tuesday decided to set up camp in their own courthouse doors to protect Alabama from gay marriage, at least until SCOTUS crams it down all their throats for good in June. Read more on Completely Real Coalition Of African-American Pastors To Give ‘MLK Award’ To Alabama’s Roy Moore…
  Homo-nazis will have to destroy North Carolina later too busy trying to find a place to pee

Performance Artist Flip Benham Solves Transgender Bathrooms Problem By Yelling ‘Pervert!’ At It

Last night, the Southern town of Charlotte, North Carolina, did a real big stupid, failing to pass an anti-discrimination ordinance that would add LGBT people to the list of protected groups. Wingnut opponents of the ordinance, of course, were most worried about the possibility that somewhere, somehow, a transgender person might be out there responding to the call of nature, and not even ashamed of themselves for it. This is an outrage, because how dare they, despite what you have heard in children’s books, NOT EVERYBODY POOPS, especially not transgender people! Read more on Performance Artist Flip Benham Solves Transgender Bathrooms Problem By Yelling ‘Pervert!’ At It…
  A Personal Relationship With The Lord

Scott Walker Refuses To Provide Transcripts Of Conversations With Nonexistent God

Ayyyyyyyy, this guy!
And so it came to pass that the Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF) submitted a lulzy public records request to the office of Christianist Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. What, FFRF asked, was the substance of the Governor’s conversations with one Jesus H. Christ, formerly of Nazareth? Read more on Scott Walker Refuses To Provide Transcripts Of Conversations With Nonexistent God…