jesus
War On Christmas Started By Hitler, Because of Advent Calendars
Every year about this time, the nation opens the “advent calendars” of its secret CIA prisons all over the world to say “hi” to the people always plotting against us by waging a War on Christmas. But did you know that the War On Christmas did not start in CIA murder-torture prisons, but actually in [...]
Rick Perry Pretty Much Compares Himself To Jesus On Teevee
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Here is Sean Hannity interviewing Rick Perry in a moodily lit room full of farming implements, and boy is there ever a lot of sexual tension. Just make out already, you two! But okay okay, if we had to choose our favorite Rick Perry pick-up line from this “gay [...]
Rick Perry’s Wife Concludes Everyone Hates Him Because He Is Christian
Where has Rick Perry been hiding? Why does everyone hate him now? Is it for the most obvious reason that he is a weird toad who ritually tortures hair products and most often looks like he is asleep every time he tries to get a few words out in a debate? NO, WORSE: he refuses [...]
Wingnuts Worried Their Anusburgers Sacrificed To Wrong ‘Demon-God’
Watch out, American Jesus fans! According to a couple of wingnuts somewhere, the poop-snausage pizza you’re eating from the Papa John’s might’ve been sacrificed to the wrong Demon-God! W-w-whut? It’s apparently true! Jews and Muslims, besides both being Semitic people of the Hebraic traditions, also like to have their factory-farmed animals killed in the industrial [...]
Baptist Wingnut To Weiner: Maybe You Should Worship the REAL God
Important fundamentalist Baptist official Albert Mohler has some unsolicited advice for Anthony Weiner: Why not worship the real god, Jesus, instead of that Jew god you claim to love so much. It’s a good point! Fundamentalist Christian guys almost never send Twitter pictures of their genitals to women, because most fundamentalist Christian men are homosexuals. [...]
Pre-Swamp Sweat Fest Fun: The Many Ways To Enjoy DC Spring
Happy third day of Passover to all our Jewish friends and a hoppy almost Easter to “everyone else!” Jews eating matza and the celebration of when Jesus returned to say “howdy” to all his followers before going away again are two exciting occasions that mark fertility, horny rabbits, and most importantly, spring. Before we enter [...]
Pawlenty’s Kindergarten: Sharing Is ‘Socialist’ & Slavery Helps Capitalism
Dull turd Tim Pawlenty actually did do something dingbatty enough to qualify him for the second tier of the Republican presidential candidates: He put some fringe-right nutter from the Bush Administration in charge of the Minnesota public school curriculum, and this educational terrorist installed a board of fundamentalist homeschoolers and extremist libertarians who then decided [...]
Bryan Fischer: Jesus Had Disciples So They Would Become GOP Politicians
“Jesus’ entire discipleship program with his apostles was an academy designed to prepare them for service in the political arena.” Oh, right, of course, Bryan Fischer. Christianity is really nothing more than one bearded guy’s boutique political consulting/candidate training shop. “I will wash your feet, then you go forth and wash the feet of wealthy [...]
GOP Hack Suggested Using False-Flag Attacks To Discredit WI Unions
Lady Liberty cried quietly in her room with a pint of chocolate ice cream after hearing that an Indiana prosecutor and GOP activist sent USDA certified organic asshole Scott Walker a friendly email, urging him to “employ an associate who pretends to be sympathetic to the unions’ cause to physically attack you (or even use [...]
Family Jesus Council: Anti-Bullying Campaign Is Extremely Homosexual
The Bible is full of important life lessons and anecdotes, such as “sharing is good” and “love your neighbor” and “please stop complaining about bullies, you are being so whiny and gay right now.” (This is exactly what Jesus told the young leper boy, when the other schoolchildren made fun of his painful medical condition.) [...]
Gabrielle Giffords Has Won God’s Prayer Sweepstakes, According To Fox
“Nearly 8 in 10 American voters say they believe prayers helped Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords survive the Tucson shooting, according to a Fox News poll released Thursday.” Well, there you have it. We now know why Giffords has made such an amazing recovery: She was a popular subject of prayers, and if there’s one thing [...]
An American Holiday Classic: Bye Bye, Baby Jesus
This is not actually a Holiday Classic, but because nothing on the Internet can be trusted, that’s the title we’re giving to this old thing we found, which was written by your editor back when he was toiling for UPI at the shabby headquarters behind the White House, back when Bill Clinton was still officially [...]
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