Tag: jesus

Crazy Monster Drink Lady Hopes You Appreciate How Much Your Mom Loves Dick

Did you hug your mom on Mother's Day and thank her for loving penis so much? WHY NOT, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD?

Missouri Just Wants Rape Victims To Be #Blessed With Beautiful Gift Of Forced Pregnancy

Missouri House passes Personhood Bill with no exceptions for rape victims.

Christlike Tow-Truck Driver Leaves Disabled Bernie Supporter On Side Of The Road

Jesus spoke to tow-truck driver Ken Shupe and told him to leave a disabled woman on the side of the road, as he is wont to do.

Jehovah’s Witnesses Will Learn You How To Be The Cutest Lil’ Homophobe EVER

Are you a big fan of Pixar who struggles daily to communicate your homophobic values to your cartoon children? The Jehovah's Witnesses have a solution for you. Do you get squicked out when you find out your daughter's friend...
that's the devil in your pants

Let’s Have Dumb Old Kirk Cameron Tell Us How To Romance Our Christian Wives

Let's get one thing out of the way: Kirk Cameron is cute. This is why it such a screaming shame he fell in with the wrong crowd and became a creationist dickweasel fundamentalist Christian. And he dragged his dumb...

Celebrate The Feast Day Of St. Zita, Patron Saint Of Servers, By Flipping Off A Customer

Did you know today, April 27, is the feast day of St. Zita, Patron Saint of waiters and waitresses? We did not, but let us celebrate it together! Given that I'm Jewish, I had to go look up Catholic traditions...

‘Fox & Friends’ Jackholes Know Who Will Pick The Next President And It Is Jesus

One of the most comforting things about America is how multiple times every day, the various chicken-brained dickwhistles who work at Fox News will get on the TV and say something amazingly stupid for us to laugh at. This...
The Yoogest Story Ever Told

Donald Trump Needs Jesus, Dammit

<a href="http://wonkette.com/593464/sarah-palin-knows-donald-trumps-favorite-bible-verse-is-all-of-them-katie"></a>One of the best things about this stupid Republican primary has been Donald J. Trump the New York Values thrice-marryer trying to convince wingnut Christians he's actually one of them. He LOVES going to church and partaking of the wine...

Good Christian Girls Riding Dildos Straight To Hell

Listen, sisters in Christ, we need to talk. Have you thought about, if you were to die right this second, where you would spend eternity? Will you get to sit in Jesus's lap while He tells you all the...
Strange, we keep finding reasons to use this

Mississippi: You Call That A Gay-Hatin’ Bill, North Carolina? THIS Is A Gay-Hatin’ Bill!

Doesn't it feel like we're taking a little bus tour of U.S. America these days, to see the new, enchanted ways everybody's coming up with to screw the gays and the BLTs? Today we are in Mississippi, where Republican Gov....

Mickey Mouse Murders Jesus Christ, Wingnuts Outraged

Well, folks, it's hunting season. In fact, the Christians seem to have overbred this year, and so "They" (AKA big corporations like Disney AKA Mickey Mouse and all his pals) have declared "open season" on Christians. Wait what? That's unpossible! But...
Sarah Palin calculates in her head how many of Bristol's "chances" will turn into out-of-wedlock babies.

Sarah Palin So Happy Donald Trump’s Jewish Grandbaby Born On Easter, Just Like Jesus!

OK SPOILER ALERT, we know Jesus wasn't born on Easter, first of all. But does Sarah Palin know that? Well He sure did something that day, over there in Nazareth, otherwise why did we hide the moose eggs all...

Pope Foot Fetish Can’t Stop Washing Dirty Muslim Feets

It's Holy Week! Easter's coming, the chocolate bunnies are doing fertility to each other's bunny-ginas, the Christs are 'bout to BRB, and Pope Nice-Nice AKA Francis is hunkered over washing up some feet again, like a common Jesus of...

Your Aborted Baby Will Go To Heaven And Play Harps For Huggy Jesus

It must have been tough to make fun of televangelists on the regular back in the day. You could probably only watch three or four of them a weekend, tops, before you'd get blackout drunk or blow your brains...
Troll so hard

Elizabeth Warren Chops Off Donald Trump’s Manhood, Mounts It Above Fireplace

What were we JUST saying about how Republican menfolk are a-scurred of Elizabeth Warren? Oh yeah, it was that thing where a no-name GOP representative from Missouri was sadly wishing somebody would go to the Senate and slice off...

Dumb Duggar Boy Won’t Let Satan Finger His Sisters Again

Hey, Jesus Lovers, OMG OMG OMG, are you so excited about watching TV tonight? No, not the primaries! What are you, some kind of politically minded DORKASS? No, we are talking about the premiere of the new season of "Duggar Diddles...