Tag Archives: jesus fucking christ

  Your must-read primer on chicks who eat food

New York Times Breaks Story Of Astonishing New Trend: Women Have Lunch Together, Eat Salads, Discuss Stuff

Oh, New York Times, you never fail to amaze us with your serious investigative journamalism into the strange and mysterious creature that is Woman. How often does Hillary Clinton sleep with her husband? How is being a successful career lady stopping you from finding a barely decent man to marry your sad single ass? How should you communicate with your children’s nanny? But oh, our newspaper of record, you have really outdone yourself with this earth-shattering story that will change history forever: A salad may seem modest, but that dish (and its cult following among trend-attuned New Yorkers like Ms. Bhojwani) is emblematic of a shift in the way that women participate in the crucial information-gathering and idea-generating ritual known as lunch. Stop the presses! There is a newfangled thingymabob called “A Salad” and women eat it! At lunch! With other women! Read more on New York Times Breaks Story Of Astonishing New Trend: Women Have Lunch Together, Eat Salads, Discuss Stuff…
  could it be ... satan?

Here’s Some Sex Cartoon of the Devil Boning Rick Santorum Or Something

Those Taiwanese animators are sure having some sexytime fun with Rick Santorum. It is important to wonder if these Taiwanese animators are even American, the way they attack our most precious institutions (Satan, Rick Santorum). [NMA.tv/YouTube] Read more on Here’s Some Sex Cartoon of the Devil Boning Rick Santorum Or Something…
  don we now our gay apparel

Michele Bachmann Leaves ‘Gay Marcus’ Out of Family Xmas Video

Oh look, Michele Bachmann doesn’t even know the names of the random “children” she assembled to make this dumb Christmas video to remind everyone that her gay husband Marcus is so gay that he’s not even allowed in the family Christmas video. “Don’t forget the reason for the season,” sez Michele … which is marginalizing any gay family members during the holidays. Read more on Michele Bachmann Leaves ‘Gay Marcus’ Out of Family Xmas Video…
  hooray for the new patriotic police state

Obama Won’t Veto Law That Turns Military Into ‘Domestic Police Force’

Hooray, the White House now says that President Obama won’t veto the National Defense Authorization Act. It flew through the House today and should pass the Senate shortly. Along with the usual gazillion dollars for the Pentagon to buy death machines from military contractors via lobbyists/former members of Congress, the NDAA will also allow the military to seize U.S. citizens on U.S. soil and throw them in Gitmo forever. Remember how the terror prison at Guantanamo Bay was originally filled, after 9/11? And remember how a fraction of the prisoners held and tortured there for years had anything to do with Al Qaeda, because they were just random goat herders or whatever, picked up because the military and the CIA paid a per-head bounty on “terrorists”? Yeah well same thing now, but in the United States! Read more on Obama Won’t Veto Law That Turns Military Into ‘Domestic Police Force’…
  macaroni & cheese

Pat Robertson Mystified By Strange African-American Thanksgiving Ritual

The Pat Robertson teevee show has been desegregated, apparently by force, and now allows a Negress interviewer to interview “her kind” (Condoleezza Rice). What are the mysterious black people up to, this Thanksgiving? The hip-hop? Smokin’ crack? Crunking? Voodoo? Hankering for the Original Constitution days when they were slaves? No, worse. They are eating bizarre food dishes and claiming it’s part of American Thanksgiving. Pat Robertson is aghast. Read more on Pat Robertson Mystified By Strange African-American Thanksgiving Ritual…
  hahaha of course they did

Fox News Names White House Shooting Suspect ‘Occupy Shooter’

Remember yesterday when we were all making satirical jokes about how Fox News would call the angry bum arrested for allegedly shooting at the White House some symbol of the #OccupyWallStreet protests? Well, that happened. Today. The turnaround time for Satire-to-Actual Fox News Report has hit an all-time low of about ten hours. Read more on Fox News Names White House Shooting Suspect ‘Occupy Shooter’…
  journamalism

Child Prodigy At DC Paper Bravely (Cautiously) Mentions Occupy Wall St.

Middle-aged yuppie child Ezra Klein is exactly the sort of youth welcomed at the dying Washington Post. Permanently cautious and nervously polite, quick to distance himself from ancient youthful indiscretion of a couple of years ago, inherently middle of the road and steeped in the meaningless bullshit policy/punditry circle jerk of the era, Klein can be counted on to write in that special way nobody really uses to communicate, because it’s writing that is only written to please his elders at think tanks and in the Kaplan/WaPo board room. “Look at the little feller,” you might hear Richard Cohen mumbling to a wastebasket. “Why, he’s not so different from me, in the 1960s, when I was no doubt on the meekly impotent side of everything happening around me.” And now Ezra Klein has bravely (cautiously) made it clear that he very vaguely supports the concept of the masses being upset about something, even if they haven’t FedExed their position papers and enclosures via the proper channels. The kids are all right! Read more on Child Prodigy At DC Paper Bravely (Cautiously) Mentions Occupy Wall St….
  murder inc.

ATF Chief Who Funneled Illegal Arms To Mexico ‘Punished’ By Reassignment To Obama’s Justice Dept.

What happens when the nation’s chief of weapons enforcement is caught running an illegal weapons operation that funnels guns to Mexico’s murderous drug cartels? He gets reassigned to the Justice Department, hahaha: Read more on ATF Chief Who Funneled Illegal Arms To Mexico ‘Punished’ By Reassignment To Obama’s Justice Dept….
 

Russia and Exxon Make Deal To Carve Up Arctic For Oil

It’s a good thing Russia isn’t full of Commie Rooskies anymore, and is instead ruled with an iron fist by a fascist kleptocracy — America’s biggest energy company just cut a deal with Russia’s state-run oil company to kill off the last polar bears and get the sweet, sweet crude under the rapidly melting ice cap. Who wants some “relief at the pump”? Read more on Russia and Exxon Make Deal To Carve Up Arctic For Oil…
  actually almost everyone hates white people

VIDEO: Idiot Michele Bachmann Asks White People, ‘Who Likes White Wet People?’

Who likes white people? Uhh, everybody except for black people and brown people and yellow people, we guess? Also, many actual white people don’t much like white people, having read a history book or two. But Michele Bachmann is here to praise Jesus and His Own Special People, even though he was an Arab. UPDATE: Michele Bachmann actually said she “hates white people” because they’re “subhuman.” YouTube regrets the error. Read more on VIDEO: Idiot Michele Bachmann Asks White People, ‘Who Likes White Wet People?’…
  she's a weiner!

Michele Bachmann Sucks a Footlong, Is President of Iowa

2012 Fever is on the rise in Iowa, where hollow-eyed pillhead Michele Bachmann easily took the footlong patriotic corndog of freedom and also won the Iowa “Ames Straw Poll.” This is great news for America’s Comedy Industry, and sad news for any liberals who hoped Barack Obama might have to move a little to the left of the Ghost of Reagan in order to win re-election. Thanks, Michele! Read more on Michele Bachmann Sucks a Footlong, Is President of Iowa…
  america's great artists

Schmaltz Artist Pulls American Jesus Prints From ‘Liberal’ BYU Shop

Did you hear about liberal hate site “Groupon” sponsoring the racist Donald Trump’s racism? Groupon, you’re fired! What’s next? How about those liberals at the Mormon university? Yeah, how about them? A guy who makes prints of Jesus and the GOP Presidents and the Troops has pulled his precious artworks from the Mormon Church-owned Brigham Young University bookstore because … liberals? Yes. They were too liberal. So now you have to get this kind of art the same way everybody else does: by searching “Never Forget” on Google Images. Read more on Schmaltz Artist Pulls American Jesus Prints From ‘Liberal’ BYU Shop…
  supreme court pranks

Clarence Thomas Gladly Reads Amoral Decision Against Innocent Black Guy Who Spent 14 Years On Death Row

Fringe-right corporate lackey Clarence Thomas has famously kept his mouth shut during most of his 20 years on the Supreme Court, because how could anyone improve upon Antonin Scalia’s insane bullshit? But on Tuesday, Clarence Thomas cheerfully took the opportunity to read the conservative majority’s decision against an innocent black man in New Orleans who had been framed by the district attorney and was very nearly executed. The man, John Thompson, won a $14 million judgment against the crooked New Orleans prosecutors — a million dollars for every year he was wrongfully imprisoned, often in solitary confinement. And now that judgment has been overturned by our sorry excuse for a high court. Clarence Thomas really got a kick out of reading this to the Supreme Court. Read more on Clarence Thomas Gladly Reads Amoral Decision Against Innocent Black Guy Who Spent 14 Years On Death Row…
  annals of justice

IRS Agent Puts Guy In Jail For ‘Stated Income’ Mortgage, Because of Documentary About Charity Run

Here’s the worst thing we’ve read all weekend, and that’s saying a lot. It’s the story of a guy who was prosecuted by a rogue IRS agent who literally picks his targets by watching movies and scanning the highways for expensive cars. Ha, sure, why not? And it’s also the story of how someone involved with Countrywide’s disastrous “stated income loans” (where people were encouraged to say whatever number would make them eligible for these mortgages) was finally sent to prison. CEO slimebag graft artist Angelo Mozilo, who paid a fine from his stockpile and walked away smiling? No, it was this guy: Read more on IRS Agent Puts Guy In Jail For ‘Stated Income’ Mortgage, Because of Documentary About Charity Run…
  visions of america

‘Pole Dancing For Jesus’ Is New Texas Fad, According To Local News

Are you an ex-stripper trying to get it together by kicking the meth and oxycontin? Tired of your boyfriend you met at the strip club, that cop, always beating the shit out of you? Can’t afford enough tattoos to cover your bruises and track marks? Welcome to Texas! You know, where you were born and raised! It’s too bad you live in a country where being born poor nearly guarantees you’ll be a single mom and a high school dropout and that you’ll be forced into stripping at some grim honkytonk on the edge of town because it’s the only thing that pays better than WalMart. Read more on ‘Pole Dancing For Jesus’ Is New Texas Fad, According To Local News…
  our flourishing economy

Hot New Trend: Working Actual Professional Jobs For Free, As ‘Interns’

As America and the Entire Industrialized World dips into the second act of our 21st Century Greatest Depression, workers and employers are developing new skills to cope with the complete lack of money. In the Los Angeles City Attorney’s office, for example, about a hundred actual qualified lawyers have worked in the “reserve” program, meaning that they work full-time and prosecute cases and shuffle papers for 10 hours a day like any paid city attorney, minus the “pay” part. Los Angeles is one of the richest cities in the world, with 45 known billionaires and 268,000 millionaires — more millionaires than anywhere else in the nation, and America has the most millionaires of any nation on Earth. Anyway, it’s a hot new trend, having degreed professionals work full-time without any pay at all. Because there are no jobs! And the governments are all broke, because the billionaires and millionaires don’t pay any taxes. No wonder rich people love America so much, as a legal address! Read more on Hot New Trend: Working Actual Professional Jobs For Free, As ‘Interns’…
  revolutionary ideas

AZ Tea Party Senators Want Tea Party License Plates To Benefit Tea Party

No legislative body in WORLD HISTORY has compared to the greatness of the Republican/Tea Party-led Arizona state senate, which bravely responded to Jared Loughner’s slaughter in Tucson by creating an official state handgun and also legalizing loaded handguns at all public events. But the Arizona Senate Republicans have proved they stand for more than just slaughtering children and shooting holes through the brains of Democratic politicians — the Tea Party members of the AZ state senate are creating brave new ways of legislating financial support for the Arizona Tea Party! Read more on AZ Tea Party Senators Want Tea Party License Plates To Benefit Tea Party…
  god help us all

Americans Admit Their Religion Is Fading Away

The empty Saturnalia of Christmas has come and gone again, so it’s time for pollsters to ask depressed Americans if religion is still important. About half say, “I guess, to me, a little.” But 70% admit that their sad devotion to that ancient religion doesn’t really matter, as the actual influence of traditional religion on America’s trash society of mouth tattoos and teen pregnancy and foreclosed homes full of prescription numbing agents and wide-screen pornography is all but finished. Read more on Americans Admit Their Religion Is Fading Away…