By the Comics Curmudgeon
Most normal humans are at this point ensconced in the loving bosoms of their family to celebrate the birth of the American Jesus. That leaves a motley collection of hateful, Christ- and family-shunning degenerate misanthropes as the only people reading “blogs” on the “Internet” — Wonkette’s core audience, in other words! We hope all you joyless monsters enjoy the following cartoons, which mock Our Lord Jesus and His only begotten son, Santa. MORE »

Hmm so why are Wonkette’s lazy-ass “you’d think they’d notice it’s a Recession” writers posting even less than usual? Jesus’ solstice birthday! (And, uhh, the whole next two weeks.) So here’s a special “Charlie Brown War On Xmas” collection of all the local-news reports on dumb fat fools seeing Jeebus everywhere. [Everything Is Terrible via Andrew Sullivan]

Even if there is an Omniscient Christian God, he probably thinks his followers are stupid for believing in something so ludicrous as an Omniscient Christian God: “Join with Christian leaders of all denominations who love God to humble ourselves, pray, seek the face of God, and turn from our wicked ways—individually and as a nation. This event is not to impress the media or those in Washington, but to reach the heart of God. Publically [sic] repenting and crying out to God for His mercy instead of the judgment our many sins deserve.” MORE »

So sad, this Christmastime. Last year, we could still sort of laugh. That fancy Barack Obama had won the presidency, after all. Maybe we would, uhh, weather the storm? Come back stronger?! Well, sorry about that. But it’s the Season of Xmas, and we’ve got a super special selection of cheap-ass unwanted “America-themed” old-pantyhose stuffers to make your whole holiday a crushing reminder of just how much things suck, in the Year of our Baby Lord Jesus 2009/2010. MORE »

The Freedom Tray is America’s Favorite New War On Xmas Fad! Wonkette artistic contributor Lauri Apple made this beautiful representation of Jesus himself enjoying all the fruits of Amerikkka, in His own Laz-E-Boy porta potty. And legitimate newspaper the News-Observer has published a lovely history of the Freedom Tray, which was created by a team of nuclear physicists at Raleigh’s Research Triangle. The article features a discourse on ironic and un-ironic War On Xmas gifts, with quotes from your Wonkette editor. [News-Observer]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, kids, remember your civics class, where you learned that there are other parts of the government that aren’t currently controlled by Muslims? There’s the so-called “Supreme Court,” which everyone ignores most of the time right up until they legalize gayness; but then there’s this other thing, whaddya call it, Congress, and there’s like dozens and dozens of those jackholes, so even though they aren’t “worse” than President Antichrist on an individual level, there are more of them, so it kind of balances out! Anyway, one half of Congress just passed some crazy-ass law last week. How did they manage to do this? Simple: DEVIL MAGIC. MORE »

We do not know too much about Jesus literature. What kind of monstrously fucked-up prude porn is in the King James Bible that grants it — and it alone, out of EVERY ITEM EVER MADE — a stay from this North Carolina church’s Hell-o-ween holocaust? Maybe it’s the action scenes. MORE »

JON MCNAUGHTON WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS HIS CRITICS: The mastermind behind the greatest painting ever, Jon McNaughton, would like to go on the record: “Some of the chatter going around on these liberal blog sites I feel is unfounded.” Also: “Why Satan? I don’t for a second believe he looks like that, but I do believe he is real.” [Jon McNaughton Art]

Oh my God. Now it’s the Raiders of the Lost Ark Version of this week’s most famous painting. DON’T LOOK! Who made this monstrous thing? No one knows!

Well how about this! Jacksonville artist David Durrett sends this “real painting” (super-sized) to your Wonkette and writes, “I love Wonkette, and was inspired to do an acrylic response to the Jesus painting yesterday! Hope you like it!!” Yes it is very nice! Maybe Obama can steal this one too, for his house. Also, we’re awarding first-time commenter Shortpacked with an “iPhone” for his take, which was quite a hit yesterday, in the comments. What have the rest of you slobs done lately? [Yes You Canvas, Shortpacked]

A bunch of you have sent us a link to this painting by a fellow named Jon McNaughton, depicting the divine event that took place during the hot Philadelphia summer of 1787, when Jeebus flew to America from his ice cave on Pluto to deliver the U.S. Constitution to some brat before an in-studio audience consisting of George Washington, Mister Hollywood, Liberal News Reporter, Satan, and others. “Jon McNaughton would like to set the record straight,” we read. MORE »

Mexican-ish Lousiana Governor Bobby Jindal loves old Jesus so much. We know this. One time, in college, he more or less raped “saved” a lady from the terrible devil-goblins inhabiting her body, with Jesus’ Magic! Anyway, he’s been doing some other weird thing recently: “In May, June and July, there was rarely a Sunday when the governor didn’t board a taxpayer-funded helicopter to attend church services in far-flung parts of the state. He traveled by helicopter to churches less frequently in March and April.” He’s not just going to these places to steal from the collection plates, either: he’s… preaching? About Paris Hilton? According to an Internet video? Come again? Let’s just let a blockquote do the work here… MORE »

• RED LINE KILLS AGAIN: “Metro reports a person was struck and killed by a Red Line train at Forest Glen this afternoon. The transit authority said it appeared the person was on the tracks deliberately.” Yeah they always say that. [Washington Post]

Former Wonkette warring companion and current nut Erick Erickson of RedState has written a delightful post entitled, “The Peter Principle.” Surely you all went to Sunday School — FYI, if we discover any non-Christians reading Wonkette, we will decapitate & eat them — and know about ol’ Peter, the Rock of Jesus. Erickson writes, “Peter, under pressure and fear, denied Christ not just once, but three times. Peter, though, feared death. The strain on Peter was great. The rest of us, though, typically fear the opinions of others.” And the rest of us, the modern-day Peters, Erickson suggests, are behaving the same way w/r/t three (3) modern-day Jesuses: Mark Levin, Rush Limbaugh, and Dick Cheney. MORE »