Tag Archives: jesus

  Find a new job asshole

Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven

You think you're Doing Unto Others? Really, bitch?
Get out your Teacher Of The Year ballots, we have a nominee to present! Meet Michelle Meyer, who teaches at a public school, Forest Park Elementary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Her ass is getting sued by the ACLU, and here is why. One day, during recess, a 7-year-old boy named “A.B.” (his name is withheld in the lawsuit) was talking to a classmate, and according to the suit, she asked A.B. if he went to church. He said no, and also he doesn’t believe in God, and this made her cry, probably because, WE ARE GUESSING, her parents are fundamentalist Christian fucks, and she’s a young girl who hasn’t seen enough of the world to know that her parents are raising her to be a holier-than-thou dick. Not her fault. Read more on Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven…
  Sometimes tears are funny

Mormon Dad Forgot To Teach Son To Hate Gays, Will Never Get His Own Planet Now

Girl that church has been gay forever.
Hey Wonk liberals, let’s listen to the NPR together while we drink our vegan kale lattes, shall we? Ooh, here is an NPR radio program about the Boy Scouts organization ending its ban on openly gay scout leaders. Is there a Mormon dad very upset about this, due to how the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints basically bought the Scouts a long time ago, and everything’s ruined now? There sure is! His name is Quin Monson, he teaches political science at Brigham Young University, and his son is a Boy Scout. Mr. Monson used to be one too! Let’s talk to him in our NPR drone voice about his feelings: Read more on Mormon Dad Forgot To Teach Son To Hate Gays, Will Never Get His Own Planet Now…
  Christian martyrs

Gay-Hating Oregon Bakers Real Tired Of Getting Concentration Camped By Hitler

Ready for another dumb Hitler analogy, because this is the week where we do those? Let’s get reacquainted with Aaron and Melissa Klein, who decided to be martyrs just like Jesus, by refusing to make a cake for a lesbian wedding. Then they lost their bakery, because they are twats, and then Satan personally attacked them by canceling their GoFundMe, which they planned to use to pay the fine they owed the state of Oregon, for the crime of being twats. This was obviously more persecution, because it says right there in the book of Romans that all good Christians are entitled to a GoFundMe. Read more on Gay-Hating Oregon Bakers Real Tired Of Getting Concentration Camped By Hitler…
  Here let me yell at you

Boy Scouts Gay Now, Mormons’ Magic Underpanties All In A Wad

Finally legal
Hurray, the Boy Scouts of America have finally ended years of bigotry — sort of — by lifting the ban on gay adult scout leaders. We say “sort of” because individual church-led chapters still have the authority to decide they don’t wanna play by the rules and can instead continue being small-minded childish bigots, like they were promised by Jesus in the Bible. This came after former Defense Secretary and current BSA president Robert Gates explained how it was just fine for scout leaders to be gay, despite the fact that the very thought of that makes wingnuts like Bryan Fischer quiver in their fearful loin parts about how this is going to immediately lead to a buttsex infestation in an otherwise Christian organization. Read more on Boy Scouts Gay Now, Mormons’ Magic Underpanties All In A Wad…
  my god my god why hast thou forsaken me

Duggars Real Sad God Canceled Their Dumb TV Show

When the Lord wrote the bad news on her heart.
We were under the impression that TLC, due to advertiser pressure and the fact that “Duggar” is now a verb that means “to diddle thy younger sister,” made the decision to cancel “19 Kids And Counting,” but it seems that was God’s plan all along, and know who’s real sad about that? The Duggars. They thought they knew God’s plan! He had chosen them to have a real stupid reality show about a vagina that cannonballs out a new member of God’s army every nine months or so, and that by broadcasting this to the world, every ear would hear the very Biblical message of how you, too, can do cannonball shots with your vagina for Jesus, which will make you go to heaven, glory glory hallelujah, His truth is marching on, The End. Right? Read more on Duggars Real Sad God Canceled Their Dumb TV Show…
  And he DEFINITELY was not a vegan

Wingnut Fox Pastor: Jesus Wasn’t Some Mexican-Loving, Sunflower Seed-Munching Pussy

Saved by the blood of Tough Guy Jesus.
Sunday’s “Fox & Friends” featured a discussion on illegal immigration (something new and different), and the focus was on churches doing that whole bleeding heart “when I was hungry, you fed me” thing with illegals, as opposed to immediately calling authorities and turning in those damn Messican aliens. And because the network is Fair And Balanced, it called two extremely conservative wingnuts to debate the issue, Dr. Richard Land of the Southern Evangelical Seminary, and Robert Jeffress, pastor of Dallas’s First Baptist megachurch, who’s a real whore when it comes to getting to go on the teevee. Somehow, there was distance between the two, because whereas Land says that when hungry people show up at a church, YOU FEED THEM, Jeffress is pretty sure that Jesus never said anything about feeding the hungry, and besides, he doesn’t want to worship some kind of made-up faggot Jesus like that anyway: Read more on Wingnut Fox Pastor: Jesus Wasn’t Some Mexican-Loving, Sunflower Seed-Munching Pussy…
  No this is a DIFFERENT dumbass Kentucky county clerk

Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky County Clerk: I’m Only A Dick Because I Love Jesus Too Much

Overcome by the spirit of the Derp.
Wait, didn’t we write this story on Wednesday? Dumbfuck Kentucky county clerk with last name “Davis” hates the gays so much, won’t give marriage licenses, bleeding out from poor man’s stigmata right now? No! It seems that gay-hatin’ Kentucky county clerks what are dicks all have the same last name, so let us introduce you to Casey Davis, who, unlike the last Davis, is a boy. He is the county clerk of Casey County, which is probably helpful to him, so he doesn’t have to go to the trouble of remembering his own name AND the name of where he works, because words is hard. Read more on Gay-Hatin’ Kentucky County Clerk: I’m Only A Dick Because I Love Jesus Too Much…
  Threesomes are cool too

Jimmy Carter Says Gay Boning Is Just All Right With Jesus

Fireside chat with Jesus about sex-type things.
Hurray, President Jimmy Carter, that commu-sexual Marxo-lesbian oldster who used to be president, and who is famously involved with the Southern Baptist church, even if he’s pretty pissed at those lady-hatin’ fools on a regular basis, has issued a new decree for us to obey, and it is about gays, and how Jesus of Nazareth would be just fine with gay marriage, as long as everybody treats each other nice-like and isn’t abusive: Read more on Jimmy Carter Says Gay Boning Is Just All Right With Jesus…
  America saw him first

Majority Of Americans Agree God Loves America Best

And that's how America was made!
Here is some interesting news, as we U.S. Americans begin our annual weekend of getting real drunk and shooting off fireworks, due to something we read in a history book about America but can’t quite remember. (Muskets were involved.) Did you know that, according to 53% of Americans, our country has a “special relationship” with God? Take THAT, 195 other countries in the world, you all are just acquaintances with God, whereas He is taking US to the prom, and is going to ask us to gay marry Him any day now, WE JUST KNOW IT: Read more on Majority Of Americans Agree God Loves America Best…
  Twitter rant forthcoming

Donald Trump Fired From NBC For Being YOOOOOOOGE Racist Lick Knob

Don't show him your tits
  Sad news for all of you Donald Trump-lovers. (Those exist, we think?) The purging of Donald Trump is no longer limited to mean Spanish-speaking teevee types. After Univision decided it would no longer be airing Miss Universe pageants owned by men who call Mexican immigrants drug-criming rapists, Trump reacted with all the maturity and grace we’ve come to expect, threatening to sue the network and banning Univision employees from one of his gauche resorts in Miami. Well, we guess we should get ready for another rage-sharting Twitter rant from Trump, because NBC done fired his ass: Read more on Donald Trump Fired From NBC For Being YOOOOOOOGE Racist Lick Knob…
  He's more like a Walmart greeter

Jesus Christ Welcomes You To Hawkins, Texas, But Not In Some ‘Religious’ Way

Maybe Jesus is a Messican guy who lives in the city.
The mean liberals at the Freedom From Religion Foundation have found their latest target, and it is the innocent residents of Hawkins, Texas, who really like the big ugly-ass sign they have at the entrance to town that says “Jesus welcomes you to Hawkins.” What’s the problem? Oh, it’s on city-owned land, which means the city is endorsing Jesus as a deity, when they are supposed to remain impartial, according to that quaint little thing called the United States Constitution. But hold on a minute, according to the mayor, this is FINE, because Jesus is not welcoming people in a RELIGIOUS way. It’s more because Jesus is so popular — guess he just likes to greet people, like at Walmart: Read more on Jesus Christ Welcomes You To Hawkins, Texas, But Not In Some ‘Religious’ Way…
  Bitch made fun of Noah's Ark too

Creation Museum Guy: If Miley Cyrus Is So Gay, She Should Do Sex To Barnyard Animals

Evolution!
Miley Cyrus is in the news this week, gettin’ all nekkid and having her picture made for Paper magazine, and the accompanying interview is actually quite cool, unless you are Ken Ham from Answers In Genesis, that creationist fool who runs the big fake Bible science Creation Museum in Kentucky. Ham decided to write a bloggy post about Ms. Cyrus’s naked body, and how her revelation that she is “gender fluid” means she ought to just go ahead and fuck animals. Frankly, we’re a little worried Ham has been mainlining too much myrrh. Here is what Cyrus said: Read more on Creation Museum Guy: If Miley Cyrus Is So Gay, She Should Do Sex To Barnyard Animals…
  Back in my day!

Jeb Bush: Let’s Get Rid Of Unwed Whores By Making Fun Of Them In Public

Baby did a bad bad thing.
Try to contain all your surprise, but Jeb Bush has been A Idiot for a LONG TIME. We know about his recent string of fuckups — “Knowing what we know of knowing about Iraq and stuff and things, it was not a mistake to invade Iraq, except totally was, QED!” — but today we present to you a Jeb Bush fuckup from 20 years ago, in his 1995 book Profiles In Character. How do we get unwed pregnant ladies and welfare queens and other miscreants to stop being all pregnant and moochy? By bringing back public shaming, of course! Here is your pull quote from the book: Read more on Jeb Bush: Let’s Get Rid Of Unwed Whores By Making Fun Of Them In Public…
  At least she didn't ask for the hot beef injection

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection

Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of swindlers, frauds, and con artists, all of them here for YOU, dear readers, with the divine guidance to help you through all the traps and pitfalls that El Diablo can throw your way. Side effects may include lightened wallets, overdraft notices, and some nasty junk in that trunk. So tuck in, pull out your credit cards, and get ready for the best that $3.99 a minute can offer! Let’s get started. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection…
  softball interviews

The Duggar Interview: Why Won’t The Liberal Media Stop Molesting Our Kids?

But Jesus forgave us!
Did you watch the EXCLUSIVE Megyn Kelly interview with Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar last night? The one where Megyn Kelly said she wasn’t going to give them some sort of interrogation about how their son Josh molested his sisters, because hey, look over there, Bill Clinton? If you have been living inside a rock, all you need to know is that Josh Duggar, eldest son of Jim Bob and Michelle, molested five girls, including four of his sisters, starting when he was a teenager. One of his victims was 5 years old at the time. His parents did very little in the way of reporting the crimes, and everybody has been forgiven by Jesus now, HALLELU! Read more on The Duggar Interview: Why Won’t The Liberal Media Stop Molesting Our Kids?…
  Attention Satanic Temple: Colorado Needs You

Colorado Public High School Basically A Church, Saving Kids With Jesus Pizza

Not shown: Well for throwing Jews down
Oh, goody, time for another Church-n-state fight! This time, it’s in the tiny town of Florence, Colorado, population 3881, where a Jewish teacher has filed a lawsuit claiming the town’s only high school is largely a subsidiary of an evangelical Christian church that meets in the school’s cafeteria every Sunday, and whose pastor leads daily prayer services at the school as well as lunchtime prayer sessions called “Jesus Pizza.” Read more on Colorado Public High School Basically A Church, Saving Kids With Jesus Pizza…