Tag Archives: jesus

  Thanks but no thanks

Pope Francis Offers Get Out Of Hell Free Card To Baby-Killing Whores

we didn't know you're allowed to have a pope who doesn't look like a sith lord
No one asked Sometimes we like New Pope Frank. Like, when he gets all Truffula tree-huggy and wants to save the Swomee Swans, or whatever, because God said, “Here is a earth-shaped planet, keep it pretty.” And those times when New Pope is like, “Jesus said rich people are THE SUCK, so don’t be such dicks, rich people.” That’s cool too and seems pretty Jesus-y. Read more on Pope Francis Offers Get Out Of Hell Free Card To Baby-Killing Whores…
  How would Jesus lose?

Rick Perry Thinks He’s Jesus, Hopes To Also Come Back From The Dead

Ladies and other people, check out how sad-emoji this is. Rick Perry, whose presidential campaign obituary we already wrote, and then we wrote again, apparently wants us to do it a third time, because he just really likes that number, we guess, though we can’t remember why. He’s all out of money, and he’s damn near out of campaign staffers too, and not just because Donald Trump is stealing them to Make America Great Again. Piss-poor poop-broke Rick Perry can only afford one staffer in Iowa, which is one of them supposedly important states (every four years, anyway): Read more on Rick Perry Thinks He’s Jesus, Hopes To Also Come Back From The Dead…
  LOL OOPS

Kentucky Clerk Lady Already Going To Hell

The ones who led Kim Davis into sin
Oh, Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, all your fighting has been for naught! Your constant refusals to do marriage licenses for same-sex couples, even though the Supreme Court ruled for marriage equality and a federal judge and your governor have both TOLD YOU to do your fucking job? Wasted. Your pathetic attempts to appeal to higher courts, based on bad advice you’ve gotten from bad lawyers at the Liberty Counsel? Well, those were already dumb, since the 6th Circuit told you to get bent, and now you’re appealing to the Supreme Court, which will also tell you to get bent. But even if you somehow were to win, you have ALREADY violated your Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs, without your knowledge, and according to what you probably believe, this means that your loving savior Jesus Christ will roast you in the fires of hell for all eternity, and why? Read more on Kentucky Clerk Lady Already Going To Hell…
  Gotcha questions

Sarah Palin Knows Donald Trump’s Favorite Bible Verse Is ALL OF THEM KATIE

Rage buddies
Oh look, there was a Friday evening entertainment shitshow, and it was Sarah Palin interviewing Donald Trump, obviously because she wanted to meet her one of her favorite hero P.O.W.’s. And there’s so much goodness in this interview, and so many bowls of word salad, from BOTH of them, but OUR favorite part is when they did Bible trivia. See, the mean liberal gotcha journalists have been doing mean liberal gotcha questions at the Donald, over which verse of the Bible he hearts the best. This is a fair question because A., he is running as a Republican, and it’s virtually required for all candidates’ REAL running mates to be Jesus, and 2., he said the Bible is his favorite book. Like, he said those words, with his vagina mouth. And also, clearly, he is the most luxurious, terrific-est Christian ever. Read more on Sarah Palin Knows Donald Trump’s Favorite Bible Verse Is ALL OF THEM KATIE…
  This shit again

Republicans Have New Brilliant Idea: What If We Keep Being Mean To Gays Some More?

It's in the Bible.
It’s in the Bible. Just a few weeks ago, we were giving the Republican National Committee a TINY bit of credit for refusing to approve two really bad resolutions about how gays are the real terrorists or something, but now we have to take that credit right back, because surprise, they’re being assholes again. I know, big shocker for a Monday when you’re still hungover from the weekend. You see, the RNC passed a resolution asking Congress to pass this thing called the First Amendment Defense Act (FADA), which doesn’t do dick to defend anybody’s First Amendment rights, but rather, gives conservatives a hall pass in case they want to discriminate against gays: Read more on Republicans Have New Brilliant Idea: What If We Keep Being Mean To Gays Some More?…
  Drink their tears

Oh No, Josh Duggar’s Cheatin’ Penis Makes The Family Values Crowd Look Bad!

Maybe this is happening because Jesus hates you.
Maybe this is happening because Jesus hates you. Oh no, Josh Duggar has strayed from his Christian marriage by getting on the internet to find strange hoo-ha to dip his Duggar Stick into, and the Family Research Council, AKA the Southern Poverty Law Center-designated “family values” hate group where Duggar used to work before the world found out about how he did Bible Diddles to his sisters, is SO VERY DISAPPOINTED. Because culture warriors, you see, are sinless (mostly) men, who have never been caught doing the very same things they preach against and demonize, no not ever, no way, that’s just your imagination. These are Jesus’s personal BFFs! Read more on Oh No, Josh Duggar’s Cheatin’ Penis Makes The Family Values Crowd Look Bad!…
  When In the Courser Of Human Events

Teabagger Fornicator Writes Million Words About Jesus, No Words About Resigning

We don't really think Rep. Gamrat is a 1940s Messican lady
Clarification: We don’t really think Rep. Gamrat is a 1940s Messican lady Hey, guys, just in case you spent your whole weekend worrying whether Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser — the teabagger who had an affair with fellow teabagging legislator Cindy Gamrat and then plotted to cover it up with a fake smear campaign against himself that he did gay sex stuff with a gay hooker — had said anything new and dumb, guess what. You’re in luck! Saturday, he posted an insufferably long Facebook post to explain that while he is in fact a despicable sinner, so are we all, and he wants to make it absolutely clear that his sin does not reflect badly on God or Jesus, for those who thought he’d made God look bad by association. Read more on Teabagger Fornicator Writes Million Words About Jesus, No Words About Resigning…
  Bring your bullets and your Bible

Alabama Church Will Give You Shootin’ Lessons If You Give Your Heart To Jesus

Pastor Triggerfinger
Are you a little old lady who lives round about Chilton County, Alabama, who got a gun for your 90th birthday, because your crazy grandkids never can figure out what to buy for Mee-Maw? Last Christmas it was one-a-them newfangly “mePhones” or whatever they’re called, and now a murder weapon for hunting squirrels? Oh well, better learn how to use it. And wouldn’t you know it, there’s a church for that! It’s called the Rocky Mount United Methodist Church in Jemison, Alabama, and it has a gun range “ministry” in a ditch behind the church, because the serenity of a gun range is a good place to get intimate with Our Lord: Read more on Alabama Church Will Give You Shootin’ Lessons If You Give Your Heart To Jesus…
  Great advice if you're an idiot

Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids

Good advice bro!
It’s time for another episode of Pat Robertson answers an email from a viewer who probably doesn’t exist! What’s wrong, “Elizabeth”? Oh, you are a grandmommy, and your 6-year-old grandson hates Jesus? That sounds bad! Wait, he doesn’t even BELIEVE in Jesus, because he is an atheist? Does your grandson happen to live in Indiana and the ACLU is suing because his teacher is an atheist-shaming asshole? Oh no, that is a different story, our bad. Well, where did he get these “Jesus is imaginary like Santa” ideas? FROM HIS PARENTS, you say? This sounds like a situation Grandma needs to stick her God-fearing nose into! Read more on Pat Robertson Shows Grandma How To Shove Jesus Inside Her Grandkids…
  LISTEN UP ASSHOLES

Bristol Palin Takes Break From ISIS Battle To Slob Trump’s Knob

Bristol is here with the final word on ALL THIS BUSINESS.
Bristol is here with the final word on ALL THIS BUSINESS. Attention, everyone, for Our Lady Of However Many Immaculate Conceptions, Bristol Palin, has taken to the blogotubes to discuss how the media is doing all the liberal censorship crimes to our prince and Palin family hero Donald Trump, just because he said Megyn Kelly did a bad job moderating that debate due to profuse bleeding from her “wherever.” It’s a bad situation because, for one thing, Bristol is way too busy to be commenting on such things, but WHEN HER NATION CALLS, she answers. Today, we will be discussing “decency,” or Bristol’s concept of it at least. Take it away, Mama Morals: Read more on Bristol Palin Takes Break From ISIS Battle To Slob Trump’s Knob…
  Find a new job asshole

Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven

He's weeping, and also telling the NRA to go fuck itself with a rusty dildo.
Get out your Teacher Of The Year ballots, we have a nominee to present! Meet Michelle Meyer, who teaches at a public school, Forest Park Elementary in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Her ass is getting sued by the ACLU, and here is why. One day, during recess, a 7-year-old boy named “A.B.” (his name is withheld in the lawsuit) was talking to a classmate, and according to the suit, she asked A.B. if he went to church. He said no, and also he doesn’t believe in God, and this made her cry, probably because, WE ARE GUESSING, her parents are fundamentalist Christian fucks, and she’s a young girl who hasn’t seen enough of the world to know that her parents are raising her to be a holier-than-thou dick. Not her fault. Read more on Mean ACLU Sues Teacher For Trying To Shame Atheist Child Into Heaven…
  Sometimes tears are funny

Mormon Dad Forgot To Teach Son To Hate Gays, Will Never Get His Own Planet Now

Girl that church has been gay forever.
Hey Wonk liberals, let’s listen to the NPR together while we drink our vegan kale lattes, shall we? Ooh, here is an NPR radio program about the Boy Scouts organization ending its ban on openly gay scout leaders. Is there a Mormon dad very upset about this, due to how the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints basically bought the Scouts a long time ago, and everything’s ruined now? There sure is! His name is Quin Monson, he teaches political science at Brigham Young University, and his son is a Boy Scout. Mr. Monson used to be one too! Let’s talk to him in our NPR drone voice about his feelings: Read more on Mormon Dad Forgot To Teach Son To Hate Gays, Will Never Get His Own Planet Now…
  Christian martyrs

Gay-Hating Oregon Bakers Real Tired Of Getting Concentration Camped By Hitler

Ready for another dumb Hitler analogy, because this is the week where we do those? Let’s get reacquainted with Aaron and Melissa Klein, who decided to be martyrs just like Jesus, by refusing to make a cake for a lesbian wedding. Then they lost their bakery, because they are twats, and then Satan personally attacked them by canceling their GoFundMe, which they planned to use to pay the fine they owed the state of Oregon, for the crime of being twats. This was obviously more persecution, because it says right there in the book of Romans that all good Christians are entitled to a GoFundMe. Read more on Gay-Hating Oregon Bakers Real Tired Of Getting Concentration Camped By Hitler…
  Here let me yell at you

Boy Scouts Gay Now, Mormons’ Magic Underpanties All In A Wad

Finally legal
Hurray, the Boy Scouts of America have finally ended years of bigotry — sort of — by lifting the ban on gay adult scout leaders. We say “sort of” because individual church-led chapters still have the authority to decide they don’t wanna play by the rules and can instead continue being small-minded childish bigots, like they were promised by Jesus in the Bible. This came after former Defense Secretary and current BSA president Robert Gates explained how it was just fine for scout leaders to be gay, despite the fact that the very thought of that makes wingnuts like Bryan Fischer quiver in their fearful loin parts about how this is going to immediately lead to a buttsex infestation in an otherwise Christian organization. Read more on Boy Scouts Gay Now, Mormons’ Magic Underpanties All In A Wad…
  my god my god why hast thou forsaken me

Duggars Real Sad God Canceled Their Dumb TV Show

When the Lord wrote the bad news on her heart.
We were under the impression that TLC, due to advertiser pressure and the fact that “Duggar” is now a verb that means “to diddle thy younger sister,” made the decision to cancel “19 Kids And Counting,” but it seems that was God’s plan all along, and know who’s real sad about that? The Duggars. They thought they knew God’s plan! He had chosen them to have a real stupid reality show about a vagina that cannonballs out a new member of God’s army every nine months or so, and that by broadcasting this to the world, every ear would hear the very Biblical message of how you, too, can do cannonball shots with your vagina for Jesus, which will make you go to heaven, glory glory hallelujah, His truth is marching on, The End. Right? Read more on Duggars Real Sad God Canceled Their Dumb TV Show…
  And he DEFINITELY was not a vegan

Wingnut Fox Pastor: Jesus Wasn’t Some Mexican-Loving, Sunflower Seed-Munching Pussy

Saved by the blood of Tough Guy Jesus.
Sunday’s “Fox & Friends” featured a discussion on illegal immigration (something new and different), and the focus was on churches doing that whole bleeding heart “when I was hungry, you fed me” thing with illegals, as opposed to immediately calling authorities and turning in those damn Messican aliens. And because the network is Fair And Balanced, it called two extremely conservative wingnuts to debate the issue, Dr. Richard Land of the Southern Evangelical Seminary, and Robert Jeffress, pastor of Dallas’s First Baptist megachurch, who’s a real whore when it comes to getting to go on the teevee. Somehow, there was distance between the two, because whereas Land says that when hungry people show up at a church, YOU FEED THEM, Jeffress is pretty sure that Jesus never said anything about feeding the hungry, and besides, he doesn’t want to worship some kind of made-up faggot Jesus like that anyway: Read more on Wingnut Fox Pastor: Jesus Wasn’t Some Mexican-Loving, Sunflower Seed-Munching Pussy…