jesus
Tenn Rep. Stephen Fincher Pocketed $9 Million in Ag Subsidies, Says Jesus Hates Food Stamps
So in our story yesterday on the Congressional debate over just how deeply Jesus wants food stamps to be cut, we missed a tiny detail that is probably worth mentioning. One of the special flowers seeking to slash the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, aka food stamps, was Tennessee Bible-humper Stephen Fincher, who argued against feeding [...]
Congress Argues Over Whether Bible Allows Giving Free Food to Poors
Good news for the 15% of Americans who make up the Poors: Our elected representatives have done a close reading of the Constitution the Bible and magnanimously decided that it’s OK to give a few food stamps to poor people so they don’t starve, but not too many. Of course, it was not an open-and-shut [...]
Washington Post Does War On Easter Because It Hates Jesus, God
Why does the Washington Post #WAR on Easter every year? Why does it forget that Jesus Is the Reason for the Season? We bet they even call it “spring break,” like a bunch of fucking pagan Wiccan lesbian abortionists, instead of Jesus Died For Your Sins And On The Third Day He Rose Again Vacation. [...]
Wingnuts Hold Anti-Gay Jeebus Conference In Magical Eastern Mexican Land of ‘Spain’
Have any of our Wonkette readers ever been to a Foreign Country? Haha, oh my heck, no, of course not! All Godjesus-worshipping Americans know that all other countries are full of squalor and general brown-ness and should only be visited for the purposes of converting their heathen denizens to the one true religion of American [...]
Maybe Tim Tebow Is Kind Of A Dick? Update: Maybe Not?
I’m predicting Obama will take an early lead tomorrow… Until all the Republicans get off work. #RomneyRyan2012 — Tim Tebow (@TheTimmyTebow) November 5, 2012 Hahaha, Democrats — many of whom are minorities and/or working class, but others of whom are like, your mom, and teachers and stuff — are lazy moochers who just lie on [...]
Elegant Pajamas Media Lady Blogger: Jesus Would Hate Today’s Poor People, Who Should Be More Like In Dickens
ATTENTION POOR PEOPLE: Pajamas Media blogger Kathy Shaidle would like you to stop being boozy crackheads who spend all your money on weaves and tacky club clothes, at once and now! Let us listen to the good lady’s gentle murmurs on the subject, as she has some Bible Science she would like to drop on [...]
A Children’s Treasury Of Random Wackadoodles Standing Outside The DNC, Plus Victoria Jackson
Here have some goddamn pictures. After this we are taking a nap, and then we will get up and live bloog Barry Bamz making sweat love to your earholes.
Bristol Palin Absolutely Not Sexing Anyone, Says Bristol Palin
Bristol Palin is setting the record straight about ‘putting a ring on it’ vs ‘trial marriage’ (getting dick). Despite her past struggles of tagging hockey players, having a child out of wedlock and pretending to be a Christian, Bristol is super totally not “doing it” with the hot dude your Wonkette said Bristol was totally [...]
Kathryn Jean Lopez Would Like You To Know She Has An S&M Relationship With The Lord
Hey National Review person K-Lo, what’s up! Have you had some time yet to regret your even dopier than usual column? Would you like to? Great, let’s get started! “I Have A Dopey Question For Time Magazine,” K-Lo begins, and yes, stopped clock/blind pig, etc. See Time Magazine had its annual let’s-blow-everybody issue, and sexxxy [...]
How Is Michelle Obama Taking The Jesus Out Of Easter Now?
Ghetto-elitist/Harvard-ACORN/exercise-Nazi-fat-person Michelle Obama has done it again. She has RUINED EASTER by letting her husband, Ol’ Idiot-Head there, wish Iran a happy Nowruz while NEGLECTING to celebrate the holiest day in Christendom. But don’t they have a big Easter celebration at the White House every year? you are scratching the fleas from your Levon Helm [...]
Ex-Child Janitor Trashes Newt Gingrich’s Revolutionary Economic Plan (VIDEO)
At a Newt Gingrich event on Wednesday (THESE CONTINUE TO EXIST, though what is meant by “event” may only amount to a release of gas), a man who spent part of his high school years working as a janitor explained to Gingrich that, you know, if he has to be honest, better economic ideas have [...]
Televangelists Jan and Paul Crouch Live Like Jesus With $100,000 Motorhome For Their Dogs
Oh whoops, Trinity Broadcasting Network and superduper good Christians Jan and Paul Crouch are getting sued (again) and this time it involves a whistleblower who noticed things like their $50 million jet, the $100,000 motorhome for their dogs, and a whole bunch of fraudulent loans maybe? And then the whistleblower got fired from handling their [...]
God: Romney Is ‘Accursed,’ Santorum Will Save Economy With Christianity
According to some utterer named Steven Andrew, God has spoken through a man with two first names, and it is time for Christians to unite behind Rick Santorum, because his Christ-inanity will fix the economy, and Mitt Romney is “accursed.” Further, Romney is “against everything the USA was founded upon,” by which he means Jesus [...]
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