Tag Archives: jesse watters

  Rectal Infusions Of American Exceptionalism

Fox News Explains America Is The Best, So Who Cares About Torture?

This isn't about democracy, this is about politics. Which Democracy doesn't need.
The nice folks at Fox News are pretty darn angry about the Senate Intelligence Committee’s report on the CIA’s post-9/11 torture program, but not about anything revealed in the report. No, the great patriots at Fox are mostly angry that the report is being released at all, especially at a time when it will distract from the very important appearance of Obamacare Archfiend Jonathan Gruber, who’s testifying before a House panel today. Obviously, the Dems are just trying to cover up the War Crimes of the Affordable Care Act by nattering on about some Muslims who got their feelings hurt. OK, and at least one guy who was a case of mistaken identity died of hypothermia, and two other guys who were tortured even though they had already worked as CIA informants. But they never called the American people stupid, now did they? You see, it’s all about priorities. Let’s see how Fox Fair And Balanced the shit out of the torture report today! Read more on Fox News Explains America Is The Best, So Who Cares About Torture?…
  edgy political satire

Hilarious O’Reilly Pal Jesse Watters Gets Dainty Fashionable Boot Up Ass At N.O.W. Convention

Insufferable smugbunny Jesse Watters, who does innovative comedy clips involving record-scratch sound effects for The O’Reilly Factor, scored some major ha-has at the 2014 National Organization for Women (NOW) conference in Albuquerque before he was booted by security for not having a press pass. Get this: he offended one lady by calling her a “gal!” Watters also scored major points against the silly little “feminist” movement by starting the segment with Helen Reddy’s embarrassingly-dated 70’s anthem “I Am Woman,” because come on, do women even NEED an organization anymore? And then he made some hilarious jokes about so-called “War on Women,” asking if any of the ladies at the convention had been wounded, or if he’d be issued a weapon if he signed up, and even asking NOW president Patricia Ireland to feel his manly bicep muscle to see if he’s tough enough to fight. Get it? That there is some high-concept comedy riffing. Why don’t feminists just lighten up and stop being such man-hating sourpusses, huh? Read more on Hilarious O’Reilly Pal Jesse Watters Gets Dainty Fashionable Boot Up Ass At N.O.W. Convention…
  missing the pint

Fox & Friends Pinch Hitters: Sam Adams Beer Ad Made Baby Jebus Cry

By now, we’re pretty much used to Fox News’s routine freakouts over how there’s a War On Christmas (and by extension, on Jesus and America), but the holiday-weekend hosts of Fox & Friends upped the ante today with a complaint about a beer ad that neglected to give God his due. And here we’d have thought that using God to sell beer would be, you know, a cheapening of religion, but what do we know? At issue is a dopey ad for the tolerable sorta-microbrew Samuel Adams, in which a fake bartender fills a glass with the stuff while saying that it makes sense to name a beer after Samuel Adams because he “signed the Declaration of Independence. He believed there was a better way to live: all men are created equal. They are endowed with certain unalienable rights: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” WELL YOU SEE THE PROBLEM, DON’T YOU????? OK, maybe you do not see it because you do not spend every moment searching for insults to Baby Jesus, so we will tell you: The actor playing the bartender did not say it right! He left out “endowed by their Creator,” and so, Fake Doocey, Fake Kilmeade and Fake Gretchen* all agreed that “the terrorists have won.” Read more on Fox & Friends Pinch Hitters: Sam Adams Beer Ad Made Baby Jebus Cry…
  Still Watters Run Derp

How Long Before Fox News Ambush Guy Who Donated To Obama Hits Unemployment Line?

Jesse Watters, the Fox News correspondent who made a name for himself as Bill O’Reilly’s ambush interview guy, has some ‘splaining to do. Politico’s Dylan Byers reports that a Federal Elections Commission filing shows Watters donated $500 to the Obama campaign in late September. Which kind of seems at odds with his recent on-air opinion that Obama voters are “zombies” who would mindlessly support their Dear Leader “as long as there was Obamacare, gay marriage and abortion on demand.” (Then again, he’s also a guy who — assuming he was involved in producing this idiotic video clip — thinks using “record scratch” sound effects is a hilariously comedic way to suggest that someone is terribly wrongheaded. Skee-RATCH???) Read more on How Long Before Fox News Ambush Guy Who Donated To Obama Hits Unemployment Line?…