Tag Archives: Jerry Brown

But what is he really trying to say?!?

Jerry Brown Will Drown All Your Children

Because it is exactly three weeks to Election Day, it is also the time for desperate candidates who are going to be very sad on Election Day night to whip out the Hail Mary ads because why not? Read more on Jerry Brown Will Drown All Your Children…

Here have some news n stuff

This Guy Ranked All The Coen Brothers Films, But That’s Just Like His Opinion, Man

His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

It’s been 30 years since the Coen brothers released their first film, Blood Simple, so Christopher Orr at The Atlantic is re-watching and re-remebering all of them. And that’s cool, man, that’s cool. We’d even agree with him that this could easily be the best line from The Big Lebowski: “Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.” Read more on This Guy Ranked All The Coen Brothers Films, But That’s Just Like His Opinion, Man…

the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please

Go home, Celestia, you're drunk

We’ve got mail! Or at least we’ve got people who want to leave comments, but who are not going to be admitted to the Commentariat because we don’t especially want them tromping around our parlor, especially not with what they’ve tracked in on their boots. Today, our sluicing out of the ol’ comments queue starts off with a couple of submissions from people who sorta kinda agree with something Yr Wonkette has published, but there’s just something about the comments that suggests we may not really want to invite these folks in, probably. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Please Don’t Agree With Us Please…

nice day for a red wedding

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Binge-Watching With MoDo Edition

Today’s Sunday Times is still full of basketball sportsball, with stories on both of those games. SPOILER ALERT: your bracket still sucks. SECOND SPOILER ALERT: the NCAA sucks and is nothing but an elaborate way to make money off kids it turns around and ensures can make no money off themselves at that stage in their lives, and also too the NCAA is an insanely locked down promotional machine. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Binge-Watching With MoDo Edition…

dear stabby

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Painfully Obvious Advice Edition

Let’s start with the best Sunday New York Times news of all: Thomas Friedman has the week off. There’s also news about how there’s no news about the missing plane and a reminder that your March Madness bracket is a mess with Syracuse losing to Dayton. The Times also covers Fred Phelps’s death and reminds us that the virulent nonsense cause of his church — full time gaybashing — is a lost and dying cause, thank skygod. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Painfully Obvious Advice Edition…

disrupt this

Annoying Rich Silicon Valley Techbro Dude Will Primary Mike Honda, ‘Disrupt’ Your Face

Can we just get this out of the way: techbro brodude tech guy bros are the worst of the worst. They’re always talking about how they’re going to “disrupt” things when really all they are doing is ordering lunch from Seamless or something. But they are at their very super duper exxxxtreme worst when they decide to take their thought leadering disruption making brains and run for office. Exhibit eleventy: “tech evangelist” Ro Khanna, who is primarying incumbent Democratic Representative Mike Honda in, of course, Silicon Valley. First, a little bit about Mike Honda. We are not tech-loving Valley dwellers, but from what we can ascertain, Mr. Honda looks to be a perfectly likeable and adequate Democrat who likes things like honoring Japanese-Americans who were incarcerated in World War II and providing affordable housing in Silicon Valley. You might think these are good things, and think to yourself “hey, I would vote for Mike Honda!” but that is because you do not have a big disruptive brain like Ro Khanna. Read more on Annoying Rich Silicon Valley Techbro Dude Will Primary Mike Honda, ‘Disrupt’ Your Face…

don't bogart that joint my friend

Total Narc, California Governor, Jerry Brown Harshing All Our Mellow

We don’t know what the fuck happened to our old “cool” governor, Jerry Brown. First he is not even dating Linda Ronstadt anymore, so strike one. And then he was all “grrrrr, I am a grumpy senior citizen, ‘fiscally responsible’ adult person, so now the economy is yay again but I will still cut money for special needs babies and olds,” because they must be punished, we guess, for being special needs babies and olds. And now, worst of all, he is telling all of us not to get hiiiiiiiigh. Go fuck yourself, old man. You’re not even our real dad. Read more on Total Narc, California Governor, Jerry Brown Harshing All Our Mellow…

governor moneybeam

Millionaire TARP-Bailout Bankster Would Like Chance To Lose To Jerry Brown

Only a former Goldman-Sachs executive who has never held elected office and supervised the bank bailout under George W. Bush would have the hubris to survey a landscape rife with inequality, a shrinking middle class, and a 21.5% high school drop-out rate and think, “gee, I am exactly what the state of California needs right now: a job-creator and a go-getter who has what it takes to fix education and help Poors!” Do you think we are joking? Wonkette does not tell “jokes.” From the L.A. Times: Former U.S. Treasury official Neel Kashkari announced Tuesday that he is running for governor of California, staking his campaign on his ability to create jobs and improve public schools. […] Kashkari, who has never held elected office, ran the taxpayer-funded federal bank bailout under President George W. Bush and Obama and has worked as a fund manager, investment banker and engineer. He pointed to his work running the bailout, when politicians worked together to ward off financial disaster, as an example of what he hoped to accomplish in California. Read more on Millionaire TARP-Bailout Bankster Would Like Chance To Lose To Jerry Brown…

the state of spaceship earth is strong

Jerry Brown Expert Ralph Nader Says Jerry Brown Totally Running For President Against Clinton (Again)

Never mind that he’s six years older than Ronald Reagan was when he was sworn in; Jerry Brown has some enthusiastic support for a presidential run. And, in the language of political vagueness, he hasn’t absolutely ruled out the possibility of running, although spokesman Jim Evans quoted a May answer that Brown gave to a similar question: “time is kind of running out on that.” “I guess I’ll just have to stay and do the work of being the governor, which I actually enjoy because I have some perspective that I didn’t used to have,” Brown said. Well, that was definitely not an absolute denial, so it looks like he’s running! Or like he’s not refusing to run! Or like some people (Ralph Nader) really really really hate Hillary Clinton, and would like him to yell at her like he did her husband, Bob! And he did not say “no”! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to December 2013, just 35 months till the next presidential election. Read more on Jerry Brown Expert Ralph Nader Says Jerry Brown Totally Running For President Against Clinton (Again)…

bigger than the baha men reunion tour

Prop 8 Crew Getting The Band Back Together To Save California From Scourge Of Transgender Restrooms

Just in case anyone needs a handy illustration of Marx’s dictum that history repeats itself, first as tragedy and then as farce, we have this News McNugget: The National Organization for Marriage, which was one of the main groups behind the now-defunct Proposition 8, is teaming up with a coalition of other wingnuts to push a ballot initiative that would overturn the California’s law allowing people to use whatever restroom fits their preferred gender identity. You know, gotta protect the kids, and what better way to do so than another empty gesture? Read more on Prop 8 Crew Getting The Band Back Together To Save California From Scourge Of Transgender Restrooms…

funny videos

Nice Time: MRC Posts ‘Gotcha’ Video About California’s Transgender Locker Room Law, Accidentally Fills It With Nuance And Thoughtfulness

This fellow Dan Joseph, from Brent Bozell’s Media Research Center, posted a hilarious-so-funny video of himself pretending to be “a transgender” by talking like a BIIIIIIIG FAG and lisping things like “My name is Dan, I am a transgender, which means I have the Man Parts? Can I come in your locker room with you because I am a pretty lady too?” Read more on Nice Time: MRC Posts ‘Gotcha’ Video About California’s Transgender Locker Room Law, Accidentally Fills It With Nuance And Thoughtfulness…

where has he been all our life?

Genius Orange County Law School Prof Explains That Prop 8 Is Still In Effect, Up Is Down And Black Is White

There is so much actual news happening, you guys. We are filled to the gills with actual news and it is killing us. We need some breathing room to find new ways to snark and we really really need some time to develop more swear-y synonyms to describe people who are assholes. So — time to take a step away from Serious News and make fun of this what-the-fuck law professor John Eastman from Orange County, California, that is going to explain to us all that the Supremes decision yesterday means Prop 8 stands and no one can get gay married nyah nyah nyah: Read more on Genius Orange County Law School Prof Explains That Prop 8 Is Still In Effect, Up Is Down And Black Is White…

derp and texas

Rick Perry: Texas Is Spread Wide Open, Eagerly Awaits Your Throbbing Business

Texas drug-eater Rick Perry denies that he is gay, but Texas? Gay as the dickens — FOR YOUR BUSINESS! That is the message of the “Texas Wide Open for Business” campaign that Gov. Perry is flogging in New York, California, and various other places where it is not torturously hot, humid, and buggy all the goddamn time like it is in Texas, and where people do not have an unearned sense of accomplishment just because they live in a certain place. Wait, scratch that last one, because we just said New York and California (we are New Yorkers and we love California, but srsly.) Another goal is to entice Connecticut gun manufacturers to skirt new state regulations by relocating to Texas. Good, maybe once that happens, Texas can finally secede and then we can legally embargo all their bullshit. Problem solved! Read more on Rick Perry: Texas Is Spread Wide Open, Eagerly Awaits Your Throbbing Business…

Our Cold Dead Hands

Jerry Brown’s Stormtroopers Might Actually Pry Some Guns From Some Cold Dead Hands, and Other Gun News

Hi diddly ho, Wonkerinos! It has been awhile since we submerged ourselves in the crazy world of America’s most prominent and deadly fetish. Frankly, we were feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the stories of people accidentally blowing away their own toddlers while cleaning their shotguns, and then the useless dicks in Congress killed gun control, and we decided fuck it, we live in a country full of irrational freaks and there is nothing left to do but make ourselves a nice Thorazine omelet for breakfast every morning and spend the rest of the day lying on the couch, drooling and watching sunbeams inch across the floor. But then Editrix started stuffing our inbox with gun-related stories, and we read them and went online and read some more, and it turns out writing about gun news is a little bit like being a serial killer. You can only stop for so long before the psychological pressure becomes too great, and the only relief is to find another co-ed to imprison in your soundproofed basement dungeon with your cabinet full of well-oiled antique dental tools. By which we mean write another column. IT’S A METAPHOR, DAMMIT! So let’s get to it. Read more on Jerry Brown’s Stormtroopers Might Actually Pry Some Guns From Some Cold Dead Hands, and Other Gun News…

smelt it dealt it

Jerry Brown Toilet-Talks Rick Perry: Your Anti-Cali Ad Is ‘Barely A Fart’

Rick Perry’s got a plan, y’all! An eeeevil plan, based on stealing all the businesses out of California and bringing them to Texas — because hell, you can do whatever you want in Texas! (Except have decent textbooks.) Rick is obviously aiming to be the Mexico-adjacent-Mexico inside the US for all of businesses everywhere — ESPECIALLY California. You want pollution? Rick Perry’s Texas has the worst in the US! You want an impoverished population desperate to take any job even at starvation wages? Texas is your place! And sugar, no one in Texas expects medical benefits, Rick Perry’s state has the highest percentage of un-covered residents of any state in the country! So! How to get that message out and into the thoughts of all business owners in California? Make a commercial! And make a commercial Texas did. But California is not taking that — no sir, when asked what he thought of Rick’s ad about stealing all the companies in California, Governor Jerry Brown, who was moonbeaming around a presser for new electric vehicles at UPS headquarters, said, “It’s not a serious story, guys. It’s not a burp, it’s barely a fart.” Oh Governor Moonbeam we love you. And it is true that it was a tiny-little-ad-buy, only $24,000. But the media has kind of been going on about it because of the asshole-audacity factor, and now you called it “barely a fart,” so we must talk about it too, because, farts are funny and Rick Perry is awful and now google searches everywhere can link “fart and Rick Perry and Texas business” and that is just nice. Read more on Jerry Brown Toilet-Talks Rick Perry: Your Anti-Cali Ad Is ‘Barely A Fart’…

this is how we do it

Larry Elder Tells Jerry Brown ‘I’m Not Kissing Your Butt,’ Teaches Us All About Debate

California Governor/Sam the Eagle impersonator Jerry Brown appeared the other day on conservative talker Larry Elder’s radio show, but wasn’t granted the easy treatment one would expect from a member of the liberal-loving media like…Larry Elder? As NewsBusters readers know all too well, Democratic elected officials across the fruited plain are used to softball interviews from their adoring media. That’s not what California Governor Jerry Brown got Wednesday when conservative talk radio host Larry Elder told him, “You’re unhappy because I’m not kissing your butt. I’m not going to do it” Read more on Larry Elder Tells Jerry Brown ‘I’m Not Kissing Your Butt,’ Teaches Us All About Debate…

because we say so

Get Well Soon, Jerry Brown!

ABC News reports that California Governor Jerry Brown is undergoing treatment for prostate cancer, OH NO! News of Governor Brown’s illness came courtesy of an ABC News alert right to our inbox (VIP Y’ALL), and was under stories about Chris Christie being fat, Hillary Clinton being too old in 2016 to run (your Wonkette is afraid that this is so, same goes for our much-loved Old Handsome Joe Biden, as he has “Old” right there in his name), and Hillary Clinton’s hair. Let’s read about Hillary Clinton’s hair some, shall we? From Dana Hughes report – “It’s longer than it has been previously, and that, Clinton told Walters, is by design. “I do not travel with any hairdresser, or anybody, to help me do that, and I’m not very competent myself. I’ve been admitting that for years, which should be obvious to everyone,” Clinton joked. “And so it became simpler to just grow it so that I can pull it back, and I can stick rollers in,” said Clinton calling the conversation “girl talk” between her and Walters. Rather than being annoyed by all the talk about her hair and appearance Clinton said she finds it amusing. “It’s fascinating to me how people are so curious about it. Because after a while, it just got to be really burdensome to try to find a hairdresser in some city, somewhere, oftentimes not being able to speak English, that at least I could communicate with,” she told Walters. “So, I said enough, we’re just going to try to go with as simple as possible.” Shut the fuck up, ABC News. Read more on Get Well Soon, Jerry Brown!…

jerbs

Job-Creating Californians to Be Beheaded With Taxes

Do you hear that, Californians? DO YOU? Because that’s the sound of jobs disappearing from California because our Job Creators will soon have to pay the nation’s highest marginal income taxes. They will pay the same capital gains tax as everyone else and lower property taxes than anyone in the country but still, WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE JOB CREATORS? Read more on Job-Creating Californians to Be Beheaded With Taxes…

eve of destruction

Veepstakes! Romney Hero Meg Whitman Out-Bains Bain Capital, Slashes 27,000 Jobs At HP

Why can’t Californians have nice things? Because the “Golden Dream by the Sea” was all yeah eat me when HP CEO Meg Whitman tried to save it from itself the same way she has saved Hewlett Packard! What is it about “Creative Destruction” that California doesn’t understand? As typewriters and steel mills and Hewlett Packard employees become obsolete, the economy churns, and industries fall so that they may be replaced by something more better! It’s Schumpeter and stuff! (Why this should be a necessary part of the economy, but help for those who were creatively destroyed out of their jobs should be Moral Hazard and akin to feeding stray animals, we never did understand, but Economics Is Hard!) So how many jobs did Meg Whitman slash at HP the same day Romney was busy for she’s a jolly good fellowing to NRO? Oh, 27,000. What did Meg Whitman get paid last year? Either $1 or $16 million. It’s all good though, because the $16 million was in stock options, and those only become worth anything if she manages to raise the stock price! Did axing 27,000 people from HP raise the stock price? In fact it did! Read more on Veepstakes! Romney Hero Meg Whitman Out-Bains Bain Capital, Slashes 27,000 Jobs At HP…

history's worst monster

Fox’s Dana Perino: California Gov. Jerry Brown Is A Dictator Because He Made A Youtube

Did you hear that California — the Golden Dream by the Sea — is having a wee little problem with its economy? What happened was a million years ago some proto-Grover Norquists made it impossible to ever raise taxes in the state, both by requiring a two-thirds supermajority in the Lege and by mandating that property taxes could never go up ever. Then, on top of that, Arnold Schwarzenegger took a ballpeen hammer to a car to symbolize SMASHing the Vehicle License Fee, and whoops! The very next year, California was in the red by … the exact same amount it had foregone in Vehicle License Fees! But everybody got $134 back to go spend at Wal-Mart, so good trade! This has been a problem for California, because it is no longer able to pay for things like world-class educational systems that used to draw people to it, but obviously, all current and historic budget shortfalls are Jerry Brown’s fault because he used to be a hippie, and did you know also Al Gore invented the Internet? Haw haw haw. Anyhoo, now Jerry Brown has announced additional cuts to education and services (he has been pretty Austere already) and also plumped for an infinitesimal rise in the sales tax, and three percent more in income taxes for Facebook founders. How did he do this? In a YOUTUBE. And that makes him just like Evita Peron. Don’t cry for him, Sacramento, etc. Here is Dana Perino, blahing about it on Fox News: Read more on Fox’s Dana Perino: California Gov. Jerry Brown Is A Dictator Because He Made A Youtube…

shoddy journalism

Corrections: Your Wonkette’s Week In Mistakes

In the story “Jerry Brown To Washington Times Reporter: ‘Are You a Moonie?'” we referred to idiot reporter Kerry Picket as him, he, his, etc. We are sorry to report that Kerry Picket is in fact a woman. This shames us all — all women, that is, as Picket’s tete-a-tete avec Governor Brown was the worst reportorial outing since Diane Sawyer slurred her way through one of this year’s 437 GOP primary debates. Read more on Corrections: Your Wonkette’s Week In Mistakes…

post-racial america

Racist Bake Sale Proves College Republicans Are Annoying

UC Berkeley College Republicans (newsflash: they have those!) want to make a serious point about how affirmative action is racist against white males, which they will accomplish by holding a bake sale that is racist against everyone else. Brilliant populism! The backdrop for this is a law proposed by California governor Jerry Brown that would allow state colleges to consider race and gender in applications, which in the reduced terms of a harebrained GOP student bake sale demonstration of “why this is bad” means that white male snack fiends have to pay $2 per cupcake, and everybody else pays a few quarters less for a baked good according to a randomly assigned scale of “this is how much less than a white guy you are worth.” Who can refute that kind of mathematical argument? Read more on Racist Bake Sale Proves College Republicans Are Annoying…