Tag Archives: jerks

  A News Corpse Publication

Classy Australian Obituary Calls ‘Thorn Birds’ Author Fat, Ugly, National Treasure

Hot priest sex!
So here’s a tip for obituary writers: If you’re writing a big piece on one of your country’s most famous writers, and it’s going to run under the headline “A TRUE NATIONAL TREASURE,” you just might not want to lead off your remembrance by calling said author a plain-looking fatty: Read more on Classy Australian Obituary Calls ‘Thorn Birds’ Author Fat, Ugly, National Treasure…
  operation trolling thunder

Jerk Babies With Big Diesels Find Exciting Way To Annoy Liberals: ‘Rollin’ Coal’

We gentle liberal souls are a simple lot, foolishly thinking that everyone wants to be nice and get along and braid each other’s hair while singing Indigo Girls songs about empowerment and shit. But it turns out that peace, love, and understanding are, in fact, pretty goddamned funny, and so sometimes the Manly Men who know that Diesel is Life need to remind us of that fact by blowing black sooty smoke into our Prius-driving faces. Or onto random pedestrians. Or just for the hell of it. The practice is colloquially known as “rollin’ coal,”* and the effect is achieved on the cheap by applying the throttle in a too-low gear, or if you want to really make a scene, by spending a few thousand bucks to modify a truck’s fuel system to dump excessive fuel into the cylinders, resulting in a nice black plume of sooty exhaust. It’s fuckin’ HILARIOUS, and it leaves wimpy liberal greenies just gibbering with impotent rage about “the environment,” which is just a lot of empty land that would best be used by leaving deep ruts in it. It’s really a kind of genius way to turn technology into pure trolling, transportation into culture war, and air pollution into a political statement. Rollin’ coal gives environmentalists — and even better, the actual environment — a fossil-fuel wedgie. Read more on Jerk Babies With Big Diesels Find Exciting Way To Annoy Liberals: ‘Rollin’ Coal’…
  live free or high

New Hampshire State Senator Threatens To Narc Out Pro-Pot Student, For Freedom (Updated)

Hey, kids, here’s a new frontier in “constituent service” — when a college student wrote a letter to New Hampshire state Sen. Andy Sanborn (not to be confused with the “dick in a box” guy) arguing for the decriminalization of marijuana, the good lawmaker sent back a personal reply — and even did the student the favor of looking up his name and threatening to report the kid’s pro-weed opinions to the organization that had given him a scholarship. This is the sort of responsiveness and meddling that we so seldom see in our big impersonal government anymore. Read more on New Hampshire State Senator Threatens To Narc Out Pro-Pot Student, For Freedom (Updated)…
  logical fallincy

Terrible Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin To Gay Soldiers: Fine. Now Nobody Gets Spousal Benefits. Happy Now, Hmmm?

So you already knew about the kerfuffle over the Defense Department’s fascist oppressive decree that, Yes, the National Guard actually is part of the military, so married partners of gay service members actually do get to sign up for spousal benefits. And you knew that Texas is saying “Chain of command? What chain of command? We ain’t signing up no homeaux for no benefits.” Well, rather than defying the DoD directive by continuing to refuse spousal benefits for gay sojers, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin has found a really clever way to treat every military family equally: She’s eliminated ALL spousal benefits for married couples in the Oklahoma National Guard, gay and normal-type. How do you like THAT, eh, sweetie? Hmm? You people want equality? Well, you’re equal NOW, aren’t you? Apparently she got the idea from this awesome Vonnegut short story she heard about. Read more on Terrible Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin To Gay Soldiers: Fine. Now Nobody Gets Spousal Benefits. Happy Now, Hmmm?…
  conformity's stalwart defender

Mitt Romney Is Sorry If He Hurt You When He Went Too Far

Mitt Romney is willing to put up with a lot of crap to get his hands on the presidency he (believes he) so richly deserves. The unfiltered contempt of his fellow conservatives, for example! The indignity of being colonoscopied on-air by specially selected wigs from the Fox News Collection. The dog-and-Missouri-Fox-Trotter show of election by his inferiors, even. But the one thing Mitt Romney will never, not never, put up with is the brazen and flamboyant flambuoyancy of effeminate boys who try to ram their Veronica Lake hairdos down his throat. It doesn’t matter if the gays are attempting to walk down the aisle of a charming one-room Unitarian church or if they’re attempting to help him win an unwinnable election or if they’re, oh, just trying to attend the ritzy Cranbrook School with Mitt, circa 1965. No in Case 1, no in Case 2, and H-E-double hockeysticks NO in Case 3. Read more on Mitt Romney Is Sorry If He Hurt You When He Went Too Far…
  election year betrayals

Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men

One thing about patriarchal religions of the ancient Middle East — like, say, “Sharia Law” or “American Catholicism” — is that the menfolk don’t like the womenfolk having any control of their own bodies or lives. That’s why there was a predictable outrage over the Obama Administration’s long-planned addition of basic family planning medicine to health insurance coverage. It might seem like reproductive health would naturally be part of what we consider “health insurance coverage,” but that would be a dangerous assumption in a nation where one major political party, the Republicans, is completely based on the ring kissing and worship of an old Nazi child molester in Rome. Read more on Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men…
  bad manners

Mean Jerk John Boehner Never Visited Injured Gabby Giffords

John Boehner probably broke down in sobs the last time he realized his spam filter was accidentally eating up all his favorite tanning salon offers from Groupon, but he sure as hell couldn’t be bothered to share a single one of his tears with Gabrielle Giffords while she recovered in Texas: Read more on Mean Jerk John Boehner Never Visited Injured Gabby Giffords…
  still a dick

Crippled War Vets Tell Cheney To Get Bent

Despised warmonger Dick Cheney continues to be an evil sack of shit who can’t even pretend to like war veterans. The hate-filled colostomy bag was scheduled to lecture a group of injured war veterans about how he evaded the draft through five deferments, but the veterans group finally told him to get fucked after he demanded the maimed heroes be sequestered for hours before he delivered his bitter propaganda. Read more on Crippled War Vets Tell Cheney To Get Bent…
  major endorsements

Bill Clinton Releases Important, Bland One-Sentence Endorsement Of Obama

Now that his wife isn’t running anymore, will Bill Clinton revert to being arguably the most popular Democratic official of the last half-century and, you know, help his party out a bit? Maybe hold a big public endorsement spectacle for Obama? Maybe later! He has finally indicated, however, that he will support the Democratic nominee for president, via a one-sentence statement from his people: “President Clinton is obviously committed to doing whatever he can and is asked to do to ensure Senator Obama is the next President of the United States.” Obviously! Maybe he will appear with Hillary and Obama in Unity, New Hampshire on Friday. Or maybe he will cry. Still. [Hotline] Read more on Bill Clinton Releases Important, Bland One-Sentence Endorsement Of Obama…