Thousands of sad Texans will be sleeping in the streets of Waco in mid-May while fat cats carouse at the wedding of Jenna Bush and her first husband, wealthy former Rove staffer Henry Hager. Even though the wedding date hasn’t been officially confirmed (it’s May 10!), all the hotels are already full with reservations from media, paparazzi, and deposed Latin American dictators. Beleaguered attendees of the Texas Technology Students Association conference, unfortunately scheduled for the same weekend, will be left out in the cold. And that is just the start of the madness. MORE »

DOES SHE MASTURBATE WITH THOSE HANDS? Jenna Bush sure claps in a weird way, as proven by this video, which also suggests she’s some kind of monkey, which is not true. [236.com]

First Grandlady Barbara Bush revealed last night that Engaged First Twin Jenna Bush is at the White House right now with “15 girlfriends” having a Wedding Shower. Let’s hope President George doesn’t absent-mindedly wander in while the mimosa-drunk gals are trying out the novelty dildos! [Washington Post]

According to news reports, Jenna Bush and Henry Hager are going to make it official on May 10th at the famous Crawford brush ranch. For those with a really keen eye for detail, that’s a couple days after he takes his finals at Darden and eight days before he officially graduates. Guess we know who’s not helping with the wedding planning! [People]

Page Six is reporting in a not-very-blind item that some mysterious “former” First Daughter got a little work done before her recent book tour. Now, Jenna’s not a “former” first daughter, but isn’t she the only one anyone would care about getting work done? Hell, isn’t she the only one we can think of with a book tour? Either way, she does look very, um, refreshed in the right hand picture while on her tour in 2007, as compared to greeting some important guy in 2006. [New York Post]

* Reliable Source: George and Laura Bush get grilled on the tough subjects: Jenna, Jenna’s engagement, etc….Woodbridge native Eunice Omole makes the cut for The Apprentice Africa. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Roundup of important people’s holiday hot spots and office decor…John Boehner’s got some fashion tips. [Examiner]
* Shenanigans: Mike Huckabee is not always a nice guy. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: Larry Craig is all that remains of The Singing Senators. [WP]
* Page Six: Don Imus thinks Tom Brokaw is a pussy. [NYP]
* Rush & Molloy: Bill Clinton stays informed via 24. [NYDN]

B-list children’s author Jenna Bush squirmed her way onto “the Ellen show” today and had to call her parents, because Ellen was touching her private parts. Well, that’s sort of true. Ellen did pressure her into calling the White House to see how easily she could reach her parents, and after one quick redirection she’s suddenly talking to them, as if they were… hmm… waiting for it? This “coincidence” has only one possible explanation: an arbitrary Hillary plant.

Suddenly-more-brilliant scary book author Stephen King is suggesting that a fellow member of the literati, Jenna Bush, undergo some “personal investigation” of waterboarding to determine for her father whether it’s torture or not. He mentioned this in a segment for Nightline, which he recounts in Time: “Someone in the Bush family should actually be waterboarded so they could report on it to George. I said, I didn’t think he would do it, but I suggested Jenna be waterboarded and then she could talk about whether or not she thought it was torture.” Oh Stephen, it’s not as easy as that! Waterboarding is torture some days, happy play time others. Our Attorney General can’t even decide if it’s torture, for Christ’s sake. [Time]

The year 1981 was a pretty important one for George Bush Junior. His dad was in the White House, beginning our long national horror of the Bush-Clinton Regime that is still going today, 27 years later. Young George was running his own little oil company, too — Arbusto Energy, funded by Osama bin Laden’s brother Salem bin Laden. And George became a father for the first and only time when his wife Laura gave birth to twins Jenna and Barbara. MORE »

What happens when senile old weirdo Larry King interviews a brain-dead Bush daughter? Nobody makes any goddamned sense, that’s what. [Jossip]

“The nation’s first family tree is about to gain a new branch,” the Washington Post reveals today. “The future in-laws, it turns out, are not unlike the Bushes.”

Really?! That is news. While many Americans expected Jenna Bush to eventually shack up with a meth dealer in a Florida trailer park, it turns out her “background” and “pedigree” sort of determined long ago that she would marry another rich white douche from another rich and powerful family that makes billions of dollars on something that kills poor brown people — in Jenna’s case, that industry is oil and war, while in Henry Hager’s case, that industry is tobacco. MORE »