Finally, George and Laura have almost married off one of the First Twins! It only took eight years, but Jenna found a “taker” and she’s getting hitched tomorrow at her parents’ fake “ranch” in Crawford, which sounds only a little better than “Waco,” and it’s time to celebrate the occasion with a bunch of bullshit trivia, after the jump. MORE »

We are only two days away from The Wedding, and there are simply too many questions remaining! Will Jenna run off at the altar, like Julia Roberts does in all those movies? How hot will Lauren be dressed? Which pizza chains will whore themselves out shamelessly in a losing attempt to cater the reception? Oh look, we already know the answer to that last one! MORE »

COUNTDOWN TO NUPTIAL BLISS:“Could the last picture in Jenna’s unofficial wedding album be a study in normal American life? Maybe not. Her husband’s Baltimore job will be with an electric utility company that dumped 8bn pounds of polluted fly ash into the ground, contaminating drinking water for hundreds of nearby families.” [Guardian]

NATION OF CRETINS: “A man who heckled Laura and Jenna Bush as they were leaving a discussion about their children’s book was arrested after he allegedly punched a girl who was in a wheelchair.” [TransWorldNews]

Jenna Bush loves planning her wedding and walking around with feed sacks, but there’s one thing she might not love so much: John McCain. In a shocking appearance with her mother on Larry King Live, she allowed as how she might not be voting for a Republican in the fall. Her incendiary remarks, after the jump! MORE »

It’s all happening! Jenna is really getting married to that one guy, Henry! They will live in Baltimore! But to really make “living in Baltimore” seem romantic, they will exchange vows at Jenna’s mom and dad’s retirement home in Waco, Texas. All the incredible details of the May 10 nuptials are suddenly coming to light. MORE »

All presidents and all presidential family members worship Satan, so it’s no surprise that Drudge currently has this lovely photo of Hillary Clinton making the “Hook ‘em Horns” heavy metal hand gesture that proves allegiance to the God of Politics, Satan. Let’s look at all the presidents praising their Satanic Majesty, after the jump. MORE »

The leader of America’s religion, Christianity, finally arrived in America today! The president and his wife and their daughter, Jenna, rushed down to the airport to say howdy. The pope held Jenna’s hand and cackled, in German, “You’re very pretty, for a girl.” MORE »

Bitter queens, perk up your ears: Jenna Bush will wear a dress designed by Oscar de la Renta to her wedding on May 10. Oscar de la Renta mostly designs dresses for middle-aged women like Jenna’s mom. Jenna will probably go strapless, like a tart. [Reliable Source]

At yesterday’s White House Easter frolic, one very important event went virtually unremarked. Two of the Bush gals read incantations from the ancient Book of Sen-Dak to lull an unsupecting group of smooth-fleshed little ‘uns into a coma. The children were quickly clubbed over the head and hauled back to Cheney’s lair for an “egg hunt.” Terrible photos after the jump. MORE »

Mark your calendars, ladies and gentlemen: on April 10, First Daughter Jenna Bush will deliver some sort of a speech to a shadowy women’s organization called “Wisconsin Women in Government.” Miss Bush is taking a break from her arduous schedule of merriment to bring to a select group of government ladies her tale of hope regarding the bright futures of Panamanian teenage mothers with HIV. MORE »