Screw AIG, they are NOTHING! You know what else you’re paying for with your taxes? Jenna Bush’s Secret Service limousine! Because a full-size sedan is simply not big enough for the crew of one of Jenna’s “Ladies Nights” at the Baltimore bars. And now a website reports that Jenna’s Secret Service limo has been booted ‘n’ towed for not ever paying any of its many parking tickets. Guess Jenna will have to drunk-drive her scooter all alone now. [Investigative Voice]

The pastor who presided over the Texas-trash nuptials between Jenna Bush and her husband Mister Butthole is a long-time friend of George W. Bush, but man oh man, he hates the crap out of John McCain. This pastor — a Reverend Kirbyjon(!) Caldwell — supports Barack Obama, weird, and told a bunch of reporters yesterday that John McCain is the worst person in the world — mostly because of that time he suggested his wife join the Miss Bison Shit contest before a crowd of gangbanging bikers, as well as all the crippled wives he’s cheated on in his life. MORE »

Newlywed first daughter “Jenna Bush Hager” of course has been dragged to Baltimore to live with her elitist husband, Henry. What kind of fun does Baltimore offer for the upper crust of society? A bar, a bar, a bar, thank god, a bar: “South Baltimore newbie Jenna Bush seems to have settled on a watering hole she likes: Regi’s American Bistro in Federal Hill. I hear she’s been in several times, including Wednesday, when she was spotted with six girlfriends. All looked very ‘Texas,’ says my spy. ‘Hair all polished up and little fancy outfits.’ A guy who answered the phone at the pub confirmed that Dubya’s daughter had been in before. Pressed for details, he would only say this much: ‘She was there. I just saw her.’” The food looks really good at Jenna’s bar! Too bad she’ll never try any of it. [Baltimore Sun via Inside Charm City]

You will certainly want to watch all eight minutes of Jenna and Laura’s crazy time over on the lesbian teevee show! Let us know if anything good happens. For us, the highlight was about 35 seconds in when Jenna sits down and crosses her legs and flashes some panty. And then we quit watching, because who fucking cares what these people say, right? [Campaign Circus]

JENNA BUSH’S BEAUTIFUL WEDDING HEALS AMERICA: In which your editor proves how Love Is All We Need, especially if we’re crazy-rich president-kings. [Political Machine]

We’ve all grown up with Jenna, and … well, whatever, she got married, and even though we’ve mocked her plenty — because her dad is a douche — we will say today that she looks lovely, and was a very fetching bride, and sorry about how she has to move to Baltimore now. More pictures, from the White House, after the jump. MORE »

Jenna and Henry are really married! But the very private 92-degrees-outside Texas wedding at the livestock pond at least offered George W. Bush another chance to do something embarrassing on the dance floor. Guess what song Jenna and Daddy chose for their special dance? Creepy yacht-rock fuck ballad “You Are So Beautiful,” that’s what. Let’s cringe together, after the jump. MORE »

Here’s tonight’s severe weather alert from Waco’s News Channel 25. Yikes, it’s a big terrible thunderstorm over Crawford. But it should clear up by tomorrow evening. Meanwhile, all the poor people in Crawford have offered their barns and double-wides as vacation rentals for the wedding guests, but the elites aren’t falling for that. MORE »

Finally, George and Laura have almost married off one of the First Twins! It only took eight years, but Jenna found a “taker” and she’s getting hitched tomorrow at her parents’ fake “ranch” in Crawford, which sounds only a little better than “Waco,” and it’s time to celebrate the occasion with a bunch of bullshit trivia, after the jump. MORE »

We are only two days away from The Wedding, and there are simply too many questions remaining! Will Jenna run off at the altar, like Julia Roberts does in all those movies? How hot will Lauren be dressed? Which pizza chains will whore themselves out shamelessly in a losing attempt to cater the reception? Oh look, we already know the answer to that last one! MORE »

COUNTDOWN TO NUPTIAL BLISS:“Could the last picture in Jenna’s unofficial wedding album be a study in normal American life? Maybe not. Her husband’s Baltimore job will be with an electric utility company that dumped 8bn pounds of polluted fly ash into the ground, contaminating drinking water for hundreds of nearby families.” [Guardian]