Tag Archives: jeff sessions

  but really this is terrible food

Republicans Are So In Love With Chick-Fil-A Maybe They Should Gay Marry It

The Almighty’s favorite chicken sammich
National Journal, Ron Fournier’s Church of Both Sides Do It, is out with some Very Serious Journalism™: It turns out that, after Chick-fil-A was outed as a shitty fast-food company run by gay-hating Christianists oppressed by the Gay Mafia and the Feminazis, congressional Republicans decided they really, really loved them some fried chicken sandwiches, like, all the time, for the Lord. Read more on Republicans Are So In Love With Chick-Fil-A Maybe They Should Gay Marry It…
  Let's Roll Up Our Sleeves And Do Nothing

Sort-Of Democrat Joe Manchin Happy To Help Republicans Any Way He Can

Any questions?
Sen. Joe Manchin, the charming West Virginian who enjoys shooting pieces of paper and secretly wearing Republican undergarments, explained in an interview with Politico that he simply will not tolerate fellow Democrats who might try to obstruct the Republican legislative agenda. Quoth the nominal Democrat, Read more on Sort-Of Democrat Joe Manchin Happy To Help Republicans Any Way He Can…
  Burning Issues: The Week In Weed

House Passes ‘No Welfare For Weed’ Bill, Which Fails To Ban Welfare For Weed

After coming back from a five-week “district work period” for eight action-packed days of legislating, members of the House and Senate went slinking out of DC on Thursday while mumbling over their shoulders that they’d be on email if anything should come up before the midterm elections. No worries, since all the important stuff got done: both chambers passed a stopgap funding bill to avert a shutdown showdown until just before Christmas, Trey Gowdy got to have all his friends over for his Benghazi Party, and the House of Representatives even found time to pretend they banned people who get government assistance from buying marijuana in those heathen enclaves where such a thing can be done legally. Read more on House Passes ‘No Welfare For Weed’ Bill, Which Fails To Ban Welfare For Weed…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Garrotes Republicans Who’ll Assist Any Nation But Ours (Video)

Jon Stewart called out Republicans’ schizoid thinking on priorities Thursday, skewering their relentless eagerness to fund military adventures anywhere in the world while refusing to “waste” any funds on the American people. When it comes to pouring money into a war, Stewart says, you never hear Republicans worrying about creating dependency: Basically, when we give other countries government assistance, they handle it great. But when we get it ourselves, we fuck it all up.” But it’s OK, because military spending keeps us safe. Except maybe from crumbling infrastructure, unequal schools, inadequate healthcare, global warming, and of course a whole lot of shootings every day. But those aren’t terrorism, now are they? Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Garrotes Republicans Who’ll Assist Any Nation But Ours (Video)…
  shut up narc

US Senator Jeff Sessions Is A Buzzkill And A Total Narc

Oh noes! The nation’s top Law Enforcement Officer made a joke about weed! Doesn’t he know that pot kills and that it is NO LAUGHING MATTER? What is our once-great nation even coming to when the FBI Director can say something as horrible and shocking as the thing that was said in a hearing by James Comey on Monday! Explaining that the Bureau is having a hard time recruiting “white hat” hackers to fight cybercrime, Comey admitted that the FBI was “grappling with the question” of whether to loosen the restriction on hiring people who have ever smoked the Devil Weed, and even joked — joked!!!!! — that some of the prospective job candidates “want to smoke weed on the way to the interview.” And yet, instead of being cool with it, and maybe even doing some lines (hah!) from the classic “Dave’s not here” routine, Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions had to go and be a total narc about it. Read more on US Senator Jeff Sessions Is A Buzzkill And A Total Narc…
  an inconvenient woman

Exclusive: Sen. Jeff Sessions Mansplains The Budget To OMB Director, Covers It Up On YouTube

Exclusive Drudge Sirens Must Credit Wonkette: So here is Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions mansplaining the President’s budget to the President’s Budget Director, OMB chief Sylvia Matthews Burwell. He is very very unhappy that the budget request includes an additional $56 billion over the compromise agreement passed back in December. Despite Sessions’s indignant tone, it’s not exactly a hidden spending request, considering that it’s discussed right there in the second paragraph of the Budget Overview webpage. But Sessions has to act like he has the Gotcha of the year, if only Burwell will admit that the Obama administration is trying to tax everyone to death, but darned if she’ll play his game. So in frustration, at about the 2:20 mark in the video above, Sessions smirks, “You look real innocent the way you look at me here, like you don’t know what I am talking about. Can’t you just simply answer the question, yes or no? Do you intend to spend more than Ryan-Murray, and will that not require an amending of the law to allow you to do so?” We have a hard time believing that Sessions would use such condescending language to Treasury Secretary Jack Lew or to former OMB Director Peter Orszag, but how dare a lady just waltz in and talk to a U.S. Senator as if she had any right to insist on nuance. Don’t play innocent, miss, just answer yes or no. And it’s not just Yr Wonkette that thinks the “You look real innocent” line was over the top — Sessions’s own office, eager to portray Burwell as evasive, put the exchange up on their YouTube channel, but completely edited out the “You look real innocent” remark. When did Jeff Sessions hire James O’Keefe? Read more on Exclusive: Sen. Jeff Sessions Mansplains The Budget To OMB Director, Covers It Up On YouTube…
  blah blah blah

Ted Cruz Has Fake Filibuster To Create B-Roll For 2016 Campaign

Ok, Glorious Readers, you totally owe us like a gazzilion dollars in donations of monies and/or booze. Because we spent all yesterday afternoon and part of the evening listening to the nasaly, whiny, pompous ass monkey from Texi-Canada, Ted Cruz, mount a fake filibuster about Obamacare. IT. WAS. TEH. WORST. There were several times when sharp objects had to be hurled from the chatcave lest we impale our ears, eyes, and any other sensory organ. We had to endure discussions about Cruz’s father washing dishes, a few references to Nazi Germany (natch), a weird tangent on White Castle, and the continued fact that Obamacare will strangle kittens in the nighttime. Gird your loins, come armed with plenty of alcohol, because we are about to walk you through the world’s worstest fakest filibuster.  Read more on Ted Cruz Has Fake Filibuster To Create B-Roll For 2016 Campaign…
  may i have some more?

Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions: Are There No Workhouses?

The Daily Caller has an uncharacteristically non-shitty (we mean, it’s not totally non-shitty, but it definitely downplays the shittiness) story about the number of children who are getting government food assistance. That number is more than one in four, which is a lot of families who otherwise might not have food on them! Reporter Caroline May even cites a statistic showing that SNAP and EBT (food stamps y’all) have cut extreme poverty by half! (Extreme poverty is when you live on less than $2 a day. In America.) So do you think some people might have a problem with this? Of course they do, because not letting children starve in the streets is socialisms and indoctrination, everyone knows that. Tell us more, US Senator from the great state of Alabama Jeff Sessions! Read more on Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions: Are There No Workhouses?…
  lucky duckies

Wall Street Journal Has Proper Priorities For Hungry Americans

The Wall Street Journal is shaking its cane regarding Congress’s unseemly refusal to reform food stamps. Why are Democrats uniting to stop hero Senator Jeff Sessions’ teeny-tiny $20 billion snip to the program? After all, going on the dole used to be shameful, and now food stamps go to people even if they live in a house and perhaps own a car! Yes, all these rich vulgar Americans are soaking the Department of Agriculture by getting help eating food. It is a national outrage and the Wall Street Journal will not rest in its whining until this gross practice stops. But is there another, more important thing on which Americans should be focused, rather than on giving milk, eggs, and cheese to women with children? Or subsidizing the non-starving of military families, and Wal-Mart workers? In fact, there is. A scourge far more important than hunger! What is it, you are dying to know? It is office workers with Bad Grammar, because because. Read more on Wall Street Journal Has Proper Priorities For Hungry Americans…
  Renaissance men

How Did Al Franken Become ‘America’s Artist-Senator’?

Yesterday Sen. Al Franken drew “the portrait blogged around the world” when he pencilled a little sketch of Alabama Senator/Grand Wizard Jeff Sessions during the Elena Kagan confirmation hearing. (He also napped, but you can’t auction that off at Sotheby’s.) Everybody seems to agree that Franken has mad drawing skills. Where on earth did they come from? Read more on How Did Al Franken Become ‘America’s Artist-Senator’?…
  america's top racists

Vile Racist Jeff Sessions: It’s His Day To Shine!

Who is this vile, lisping piglet known as the “top ranking Republican” on the Senate Judiciary Committee calling everybody and everything (mostly Elena Kagan) Communist and Anti-American? Why it’s Alabama heartthrob Jeff Sessions, the Reagan-era U.S. attorney in Mobile who, when nominated by the Gipper to be U.S. District Court judge in southern Alabama, was revealed to be a complete racist and Bircher-style paranoid — the kind of trash who would tell black colleagues that he thought the Ku Klux Klan were “okay” until he discovered some of them were “pot smokers.” Read more on Vile Racist Jeff Sessions: It’s His Day To Shine!…
  scam confirmations

Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings

Are we really going to do this? Elena Kagan just walked in, hugged and kissed some ladies (?!) and some men (?!) and now Patrick Leahy is introducing everybody and explaining what’s happening. What is happening? Well, Senator Byrd died! Everybody’s so sad. Everybody’s so sad that it’s going to be impossible to really pay attention to this bullshit confirmation process. Read more on Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings…
  shameful tropical acquaintances

The Breathtaking ‘Rep. Pete Sessions & Ponzi Scheme Guy Friendship Emails’ Non-Denial Denial

Rep. Pete Sessions (R-TX) is in the most trouble ever regarding an unconscionably melodramatic email he wrote to his friend, Ponzi scheme person Allen Stanford. “I love you and I believe in you,” is what Sessions told Allen, who had at that point just been arrested for $7 billion worth of fraud. Now, someone please award $7 billion stolen dollars to Sessions’ press secretary, logician-empress Emily Davis, who has come up with the following Ponzi scheme of rhetoric in order to explain the correspondence: “Sessions believes that its contents resemble language he would use to communicate with a person in crisis to encourage right decisions and prevent further tragedy.” Ho ho ho, except, this is not the first time that Sessions has pretended he is not friends with Allen Stanford, his actual best friend with whom he goes on fun vacations! Read more on The Breathtaking ‘Rep. Pete Sessions & Ponzi Scheme Guy Friendship Emails’ Non-Denial Denial…
  true facts

JEFF SESSIONS CALLS THE OL’ RACIAL STATUE-OF-LIBERTY PLAY: We have no idea what that means. But here’s what Sen. Jeff Sessions told Miss Mex with regards to her vote in the damn Ricci case: “And, in fact, your vote was the key vote. Had you voted with Judge Cabranes, himself of — of — of Puerto Rican ancestry — had you voted with him, you — you — you could have changed that case.” Hey, not everyone has to be a race traitor, Sessions. [WP] Read more on …
  hitlering from the bench

What Is This ‘Empathy’ Word, And Why Does It Make Barack Obama Hitler?

This is where we are with the Republican party right now: Barack Obama could appoint Ronald motherfucking Reagan and eight of his perfect clones to run the entire Supreme Court, and the right wing politicians and pundits would stand in firm opposition to this illegal Puerto Rican socialist community organizer Nazi faggot activist “Hollywood actor” and throw teabags at his grave. This nomination process is already hilarious, and we have several more months of it. Remember last week when Obama said he wanted “empathy” as a characteristic for his Supreme Court nominee, and how that word went over on the right, as soon as they dictionary.com’d it? They’re still going on about that, with two arguments: (1) even after dictionary.com-ing it, they still don’t know what it means and so it’s an evil liberal word, and (2) Hitler. Read more on What Is This ‘Empathy’ Word, And Why Does It Make Barack Obama Hitler?…
 

War Czar Hearings Going Much More Smoothly Than Wars

We’re trying to watch the War Czar’s confirmation hearing (since when do you confirm a czar?), but for the last fifteen or twenty minutes it’s been Hillary Clinton monologuing on Iraq, then saying “and I hope you’d agree, General.” Read more on War Czar Hearings Going Much More Smoothly Than Wars…
 

Iraq War Caused by Saddam Dissing USA

The Senate’s pro-SURGE forces brought some awesome new ideas to the debate on Friday, but none was as powerful as the new reason for the Iraq War provided by the honorable Jeff Sessions (R-Cracker) — we had to invade and occupy because Saddam Hussein kept sayin’ he won the 1991 Gulf War! Read more on Iraq War Caused by Saddam Dissing USA…
 

Daily Briefing: The Pentagon’s Gates

* The Iraq Study Group will release its heavily discussed platitudes this morning. [WP] * Senate will approve Robert Gates as Defense Secretary after only, “light probing.” [WP, NYT, LAT] * Hillary Clinton. Is running. For President. [WP] * Supreme court rules that illegal immigrants caught with illegal drugs can legally remain in the country. Fumar ‘em if you got ‘em.[NYT, LAT] * Jeff Sessions talks to dead people, and Dana Milbank likes to watch. [WP] * As the last day of school approaches, Congressional Republicans spitefully ignore appropriations bills. [WSJ] * Lobbying for the Democrats’ ambitious 100 Hours Agenda has already begun. [WP] * Republican House leaders shitcan the DC Voting Rights bill, again. [WP, NYT] * 110th Congress is scheduled to actually be at work 5 days a week, evidence that, “Democrats could care less about families.” [WP] Read more on Daily Briefing: The Pentagon’s Gates…
 

Daily Briefing: ‘The Lou Dobbs of the Senate’

FBI and Justice Department officials, including Alberto Gonzales, defend search of Rep. William Jefferson‘s (D-La.) office; Speaker Hastert talks to Bush. [WP, NYT, LAT] Gen. Michael Hayden wins over the Senate intelligence committee; full Senate could confirm his nomination to lead the CIA by Thursday. [WP, NYT, LAT, USAT] Chertoff contends the U.S. is prepared for hurricane season but skepticism remains. [WP] Reaching a compromise over immigration will be a challenge for the House and Senate; Bush urged to apply his “full energy into the effort.” [WP, LAT] Veterans Affairs Department waited two weeks before alerting authorities about data loss. [NYT, USAT] Critics see recent spending bill for Iraq and Katrina “as a monumental example of earmarking taken to extremes.” [WP] Read more on Daily Briefing: ‘The Lou Dobbs of the Senate’…
 

Daily Briefing: Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

Senate approves fences and barriers for the southern border as well as restrictions for the guest-worker program. Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.): “Good fences make good neighbors. Fences don’t make bad neighbors.” [WP, NYT, WSJ] New details about Gen. Michael Hayden‘s “highly classified world” are “forcing lawmakers to reexamine a man many of them have known for years”; last-minute briefings to lawmakers on the Intelligence Committees “have smoothed what might have been a contentious path toward confirmation” and a declassified list shows select members were briefed 30 times on surveillance programs since 9/11. [WP, NYT, NYT, USAT, USAT, WSJ] Tuesday’s election results may preview a “brewing unrest that could threaten incumbents of both parties in the November elections”; a “broader disaffection” is noted. [WP, NYT] Bush echoes past campaign themes in speech at RNC fundraiser: “We are the party of the future, and our candidates will be running against the party of the past — a party that offers no new ideas like the Republican Party, a party that can only offer opposition.” [NYT] Sen. Judd Gregg (R-N.H.) says Bush is not appropriately funding the National Guard order: “A lot are going to be sitting in cars that don’t run and planes that don’t take off.” [USAT] House ethics committee opens investigations of Reps. Robert Ney (R-Ohio), William Jefferson (D-La.), and Randy Cunningham (R-Calif.). [WP, NYT] Lockheed Martin, Raytheon and Northrop Grumman are bidding for a multibillion-dollar contract to provide border security. [NYT] Read more on Daily Briefing: Won’t You Be My Neighbor?…
 

Arlen and Jeff’s Excellent Adventure: An Update

Last month we blogged about the holiday trip that Sens. Arlen Specter and Jeff Sessions took to Central and South America. Now, a postscript on their trip. First, we previously speculated that the staffer who accompanied the two senators was one of the many female hotties who work for Senator Sessions. Alas, this was not the case; the staffer in question is male (no word on his hotness). Read more on Arlen and Jeff’s Excellent Adventure: An Update…