Tag Archives: jeff sessions

  tortured logic

Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals

Yes, yes it is.
Yes, yes it is. Here’s a new twist, a fun and exciting way for a Republican to lay blame for gun violence on something, ANYTHING, that isn’t spelled G-U-N-S. This time it’s Texas Rep. Pete Sessions, who is NOT, science fact, the same person as Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions. Maybe they’re sisters! Anyway, why do we have so much gun violence, Rep. Sessions? Oh, it’s diversity, you say? Huh, WTF? Sessions attempted to explain it to radio host Chris Salcedo: Read more on Texas Republican Wishes Americans All Looked The Same, Like The Orientals…
  It's Getting Hot In Herre

Republican Senators: Can You Explain Climate Change To Us, EPA, So We Can Not Believe You Some More?

Gina McCarthy: Suspiciously cozy with Big Science
Gosh, this ought to go well: Some of the biggest climate deniers in the Senate want the EPA to school them on how climate modeling works. No doubt this is so they can gain a greater appreciation of just how complex science is, so they can marvel at how great our understanding of the natural world is. That, or they’re looking for stuff they can cherry-pick out of context to claim that global warming is a hoax, and we should start burning all the coal we can dig up before Jesus comes back. Read more on Republican Senators: Can You Explain Climate Change To Us, EPA, So We Can Not Believe You Some More?…
  but really this is terrible food

Republicans Are So In Love With Chick-Fil-A Maybe They Should Gay Marry It

The Almighty’s favorite chicken sammich
National Journal, Ron Fournier’s Church of Both Sides Do It, is out with some Very Serious Journalism™: It turns out that, after Chick-fil-A was outed as a shitty fast-food company run by gay-hating Christianists oppressed by the Gay Mafia and the Feminazis, congressional Republicans decided they really, really loved them some fried chicken sandwiches, like, all the time, for the Lord. Read more on Republicans Are So In Love With Chick-Fil-A Maybe They Should Gay Marry It…
  Let's Roll Up Our Sleeves And Do Nothing

Sort-Of Democrat Joe Manchin Happy To Help Republicans Any Way He Can

Any questions?
Sen. Joe Manchin, the charming West Virginian who enjoys shooting pieces of paper and secretly wearing Republican undergarments, explained in an interview with Politico that he simply will not tolerate fellow Democrats who might try to obstruct the Republican legislative agenda. Quoth the nominal Democrat, Read more on Sort-Of Democrat Joe Manchin Happy To Help Republicans Any Way He Can…
  Burning Issues: The Week In Weed

House Passes ‘No Welfare For Weed’ Bill, Which Fails To Ban Welfare For Weed

After coming back from a five-week “district work period” for eight action-packed days of legislating, members of the House and Senate went slinking out of DC on Thursday while mumbling over their shoulders that they’d be on email if anything should come up before the midterm elections. No worries, since all the important stuff got done: both chambers passed a stopgap funding bill to avert a shutdown showdown until just before Christmas, Trey Gowdy got to have all his friends over for his Benghazi Party, and the House of Representatives even found time to pretend they banned people who get government assistance from buying marijuana in those heathen enclaves where such a thing can be done legally. Read more on House Passes ‘No Welfare For Weed’ Bill, Which Fails To Ban Welfare For Weed…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Literally Garrotes Republicans Who’ll Assist Any Nation But Ours (Video)

Jon Stewart called out Republicans’ schizoid thinking on priorities Thursday, skewering their relentless eagerness to fund military adventures anywhere in the world while refusing to “waste” any funds on the American people. When it comes to pouring money into a war, Stewart says, you never hear Republicans worrying about creating dependency: Basically, when we give other countries government assistance, they handle it great. But when we get it ourselves, we fuck it all up.” But it’s OK, because military spending keeps us safe. Except maybe from crumbling infrastructure, unequal schools, inadequate healthcare, global warming, and of course a whole lot of shootings every day. But those aren’t terrorism, now are they? Read more on Jon Stewart Literally Garrotes Republicans Who’ll Assist Any Nation But Ours (Video)…
  shut up narc

US Senator Jeff Sessions Is A Buzzkill And A Total Narc

Oh noes! The nation’s top Law Enforcement Officer made a joke about weed! Doesn’t he know that pot kills and that it is NO LAUGHING MATTER? What is our once-great nation even coming to when the FBI Director can say something as horrible and shocking as the thing that was said in a hearing by James Comey on Monday! Explaining that the Bureau is having a hard time recruiting “white hat” hackers to fight cybercrime, Comey admitted that the FBI was “grappling with the question” of whether to loosen the restriction on hiring people who have ever smoked the Devil Weed, and even joked — joked!!!!! — that some of the prospective job candidates “want to smoke weed on the way to the interview.” And yet, instead of being cool with it, and maybe even doing some lines (hah!) from the classic “Dave’s not here” routine, Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions had to go and be a total narc about it. Read more on US Senator Jeff Sessions Is A Buzzkill And A Total Narc…
  an inconvenient woman

Exclusive: Sen. Jeff Sessions Mansplains The Budget To OMB Director, Covers It Up On YouTube

Exclusive Drudge Sirens Must Credit Wonkette: So here is Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions mansplaining the President’s budget to the President’s Budget Director, OMB chief Sylvia Matthews Burwell. He is very very unhappy that the budget request includes an additional $56 billion over the compromise agreement passed back in December. Despite Sessions’s indignant tone, it’s not exactly a hidden spending request, considering that it’s discussed right there in the second paragraph of the Budget Overview webpage. But Sessions has to act like he has the Gotcha of the year, if only Burwell will admit that the Obama administration is trying to tax everyone to death, but darned if she’ll play his game. So in frustration, at about the 2:20 mark in the video above, Sessions smirks, “You look real innocent the way you look at me here, like you don’t know what I am talking about. Can’t you just simply answer the question, yes or no? Do you intend to spend more than Ryan-Murray, and will that not require an amending of the law to allow you to do so?” We have a hard time believing that Sessions would use such condescending language to Treasury Secretary Jack Lew or to former OMB Director Peter Orszag, but how dare a lady just waltz in and talk to a U.S. Senator as if she had any right to insist on nuance. Don’t play innocent, miss, just answer yes or no. And it’s not just Yr Wonkette that thinks the “You look real innocent” line was over the top — Sessions’s own office, eager to portray Burwell as evasive, put the exchange up on their YouTube channel, but completely edited out the “You look real innocent” remark. When did Jeff Sessions hire James O’Keefe? Read more on Exclusive: Sen. Jeff Sessions Mansplains The Budget To OMB Director, Covers It Up On YouTube…
  blah blah blah

Ted Cruz Has Fake Filibuster To Create B-Roll For 2016 Campaign

Ok, Glorious Readers, you totally owe us like a gazzilion dollars in donations of monies and/or booze. Because we spent all yesterday afternoon and part of the evening listening to the nasaly, whiny, pompous ass monkey from Texi-Canada, Ted Cruz, mount a fake filibuster about Obamacare. IT. WAS. TEH. WORST. There were several times when sharp objects had to be hurled from the chatcave lest we impale our ears, eyes, and any other sensory organ. We had to endure discussions about Cruz’s father washing dishes, a few references to Nazi Germany (natch), a weird tangent on White Castle, and the continued fact that Obamacare will strangle kittens in the nighttime. Gird your loins, come armed with plenty of alcohol, because we are about to walk you through the world’s worstest fakest filibuster.  Read more on Ted Cruz Has Fake Filibuster To Create B-Roll For 2016 Campaign…
  may i have some more?

Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions: Are There No Workhouses?

The Daily Caller has an uncharacteristically non-shitty (we mean, it’s not totally non-shitty, but it definitely downplays the shittiness) story about the number of children who are getting government food assistance. That number is more than one in four, which is a lot of families who otherwise might not have food on them! Reporter Caroline May even cites a statistic showing that SNAP and EBT (food stamps y’all) have cut extreme poverty by half! (Extreme poverty is when you live on less than $2 a day. In America.) So do you think some people might have a problem with this? Of course they do, because not letting children starve in the streets is socialisms and indoctrination, everyone knows that. Tell us more, US Senator from the great state of Alabama Jeff Sessions! Read more on Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions: Are There No Workhouses?…
  lucky duckies

Wall Street Journal Has Proper Priorities For Hungry Americans

The Wall Street Journal is shaking its cane regarding Congress’s unseemly refusal to reform food stamps. Why are Democrats uniting to stop hero Senator Jeff Sessions’ teeny-tiny $20 billion snip to the program? After all, going on the dole used to be shameful, and now food stamps go to people even if they live in a house and perhaps own a car! Yes, all these rich vulgar Americans are soaking the Department of Agriculture by getting help eating food. It is a national outrage and the Wall Street Journal will not rest in its whining until this gross practice stops. But is there another, more important thing on which Americans should be focused, rather than on giving milk, eggs, and cheese to women with children? Or subsidizing the non-starving of military families, and Wal-Mart workers? In fact, there is. A scourge far more important than hunger! What is it, you are dying to know? It is office workers with Bad Grammar, because because. Read more on Wall Street Journal Has Proper Priorities For Hungry Americans…
  Renaissance men

How Did Al Franken Become ‘America’s Artist-Senator’?

Yesterday Sen. Al Franken drew “the portrait blogged around the world” when he pencilled a little sketch of Alabama Senator/Grand Wizard Jeff Sessions during the Elena Kagan confirmation hearing. (He also napped, but you can’t auction that off at Sotheby’s.) Everybody seems to agree that Franken has mad drawing skills. Where on earth did they come from? Read more on How Did Al Franken Become ‘America’s Artist-Senator’?…
  america's top racists

Vile Racist Jeff Sessions: It’s His Day To Shine!

Who is this vile, lisping piglet known as the “top ranking Republican” on the Senate Judiciary Committee calling everybody and everything (mostly Elena Kagan) Communist and Anti-American? Why it’s Alabama heartthrob Jeff Sessions, the Reagan-era U.S. attorney in Mobile who, when nominated by the Gipper to be U.S. District Court judge in southern Alabama, was revealed to be a complete racist and Bircher-style paranoid — the kind of trash who would tell black colleagues that he thought the Ku Klux Klan were “okay” until he discovered some of them were “pot smokers.” Read more on Vile Racist Jeff Sessions: It’s His Day To Shine!…
  scam confirmations

Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings

Are we really going to do this? Elena Kagan just walked in, hugged and kissed some ladies (?!) and some men (?!) and now Patrick Leahy is introducing everybody and explaining what’s happening. What is happening? Well, Senator Byrd died! Everybody’s so sad. Everybody’s so sad that it’s going to be impossible to really pay attention to this bullshit confirmation process. Read more on Liveblogging the Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearings…
  shameful tropical acquaintances

The Breathtaking ‘Rep. Pete Sessions & Ponzi Scheme Guy Friendship Emails’ Non-Denial Denial

Rep. Pete Sessions (R-TX) is in the most trouble ever regarding an unconscionably melodramatic email he wrote to his friend, Ponzi scheme person Allen Stanford. “I love you and I believe in you,” is what Sessions told Allen, who had at that point just been arrested for $7 billion worth of fraud. Now, someone please award $7 billion stolen dollars to Sessions’ press secretary, logician-empress Emily Davis, who has come up with the following Ponzi scheme of rhetoric in order to explain the correspondence: “Sessions believes that its contents resemble language he would use to communicate with a person in crisis to encourage right decisions and prevent further tragedy.” Ho ho ho, except, this is not the first time that Sessions has pretended he is not friends with Allen Stanford, his actual best friend with whom he goes on fun vacations! Read more on The Breathtaking ‘Rep. Pete Sessions & Ponzi Scheme Guy Friendship Emails’ Non-Denial Denial…