Wonkette

If it weren’t for the greatest president in modern times, George Walker Bush, Jr., the Republican nominee in 2008 would be his Brother, Jebediah “Jeb” Bush, the second male heir to the Bush crown and a known Mexican. He would win, because why not. But George Jr. got to the presidency first, and despite his fantastic performance over the last eight years, the Liberals would use the sum of their mighty slapping powers to prevent Jeb’s latest Bush presidency. Poor Jeb. But since everyone in this country forgets everything, he can easily run in 2012, which George Jr. today suggested his brother might do. Country, saved. MORE »

History tells us the careful selection of a vice president has always been a make-or-break element of presidential campaigns. Who can forget George H.W. Bush tapping an illiterate youngster to be a heartbeat away from the presidency, Bill Clinton’s daring twinsies routine with fellow Southerner Al Gore, or William Howard Taft’s bold partnership with a stuffed ferret in the historic election of 1908? Now, as the nation stands poised to elect its first 110-year-old president, who will be John McCain’s running mate? (Belated thanks to reader Sanduo for the picture.) MORE »

In what COULD MEAN SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT, former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush’s son, Jeb Bush Jr., has joined the Giuliani team in Florida, according to a release from 9/11’s campaign. He will become chairman of “Florida Young Professionals for Rudy,” which we assume to be much smaller than “Florida Elderly Jewish Lawyers and Retired New York City Middle-Managers for Rudy.” MORE »

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Florida politics, you continue to do the nation proud. MORE »

* Tom Daschle will see if he’s got what it takes to sink the Obama campaign. [Political Wire]
* Walnuts! campaign too broke to have separate interns for coffee and donuts. [On Call]
* Even testimony from a “natural family planning” advocate gets a director’s cut. [My Left Nutmeg]
* British hostages in Iran subject to the torture of captivity without iPod. [thisislondon]
* University of Florida soon to have a Jeb Bush School For Kids Who Don’t Read Good. [alligator]
* Australian humor mostly lost on Hillary. [PrezVid]
* Google Maps-Darfur genocide mash-up — is there anything it can’t do? [Reuters

* S.V. Dáte talks about Jeb at P&P. “For eight years, Palm Beach Post reporter Dáte covered George W.’s younger brother in the Florida State House. He developed a deep distaste for Jeb Bush’s autocratic and obsessively secret ruling style. Dáte believes that it’s not a matter of if Jeb runs, but when.” Free at 7PM. [P&P]
* An evening of short films called “Stateless Cinema Hails Our Chiefs, Past and Present, This President’s Day” at the Black Cat. Several shorts about George W. Bush and one by the fascinating Paul Chan. $7 at 9PM. [Black Cat]
* Honor yourself and the alienation your human/machine lifestyle has caused with 2001: A Space Odyssey at AFI. $9.50 at 9PM. [AFI]

Tuesday would have marked his sixth State of the Union address — and it might have been his best yet.

The nation is in great shape, President Jeb Bush would have reported: record tax cuts propelling the economy to greater heights; a revolutionary school-vouchers program for the first time granting low-income parents real education choices; and, five years after the capture of Osama bin Laden, the final 20,000 U.S. troops returning home from Iraq.

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Nearly every sighting this week comes from the exact same place, several at the exact same time. Wonkette operatives didn’t even need to use their sharp eyes to spot these old men in a barrel. Apparently, Bistro Bis is the be-seen restaurant du jour. Or maybe it was all along — the closest we come to a power lunch is eating a burrito really fast. But John Kerry, John Bolton, Jon Tester , Jim Lehrer, and Steve Kroft have more discriminating palates. You get all of them, and one Senator too busy working on his abs to respect his elders, by indulging your Mecury-in-retrograde-moon-is-in-the-seventh-house fantasies on the other side of the worm hole.

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* Former US President Gerald Ford is still dead. [WP, NYT]
* Kissinger: Still evil, sycophantic sonuvabitch. [NYT]
* The Democrats who now control congress argued among themselves briefly over whether they should let Republicans help draft legislation, then decided to bind and gag them instead. [WP]
* Boy, we had this great strategy for winning the war in Iraq, and then all this chaos started going down, it sucked. But seriously, it was a great plan. You woulda loved it. [NYT]
* Thousands of Iraqis are fleeing their country, we were gonna let 500 into the U.S. this year. [NYT]
* 3,000 dead in Iraq, and most of America doesn’t know one of those 3,000. [WP]
* The NRA has some crazy new pamphlet warning its members that the the new democrats will steal their guns, even though the new Democrats are pretty damn pro-gun. Also, someone forgot to credit Wonkette. [WP]
* Jeb Bush’s official Florida Gubernatorial portrait features a bible and a Blackberry, Bush family will never, ever, ever go away. Also, he uses emoticons. [NYT]
* Breaking: People aren’t very good at giving up bad habits. Doctors say, “change comes from the heart, not the head.” You should probably stop seeing any doctor who says that. [WP]
* Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is still dead. [USAT]

Mary and Heather Cheney with their infant baby girl, Suri.

The Cheney Dynasty has a few problems: Bad hearts and homosexuality are so prevalent that America’s children are in danger of not even having a Cheney to oppress them in the future.

The available evidence strongly suggests a member of the Bush Dynasty provided the sperm for Mary’s “virgin” birth. The Bushes reliably produce children and basically live forever. But which lucky “member” of the Bush Family helped the Cheney bloodline? Take our scientific poll, after the jump.

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