Tag Archives: jeb bush

  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin

Feel the excitement.
Spring was in the air and in her step. The long winter may have left the city’s streets with so many potholes they looked like Berlin in 1945, but the snow was melting, the homeless had cleared off the steam grates in search of cooler spots, and the warm air made New York once again smell like a landfill. After the longest winter of her years here, the city was coming back to life. Read more on Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin…
  Clintongate Part Whatever

Hillary Clinton Did An Email Thing That May Or May Not Be Wrong, And The NYT Is ON IT

Maybe not so ready for planet Hillary yet
The New York Times reported an explosive breaking exclusive ZOMG! Clinton scandal on Monday night, so turn on the Drudge Siren and grab your splooge sock because CLINTON SCANDAL!!!! Hillary Rodham Clinton exclusively used a personal email account to conduct government business as secretary of state, State Department officials said, and may have violated federal requirements that officials’ correspondence be retained as part of the agency’s record. Read more on Hillary Clinton Did An Email Thing That May Or May Not Be Wrong, And The NYT Is ON IT…
  freeeeeeeeeeeedom!!!!1!

Greetings From The Freest* State In The Land, Suckers: Your Florida Roundup

Good news, everyone! According to some outfit called the John Locke Foundation, which is based in North Carolina and apparently doesn’t visit often, Florida is not only the state where half-senile olds turn out in droves to elect baldheaded, Medicare-frauding cartoon ghouls governor (twice), but also the “freest” state in the nation. Of course, as the good folks at Reason remind, this can only be so if you ignore all the bullshit our cops do (and, I might add, the fact that we fought like hell against letting the gays marry and voted down medical marijuana at the Reefer Madness-style urging of the law enforcement establishment). But that’s okay, because the John Locke folks don’t really give a fuck about civil liberties or any other such hippie nonsense. Nope, it’s all guns and taxes and vouchers and hating on Medicaid for the poors — they seem like such nice people — and Florida kicks everyone’s ass on that stuff: Read more on Greetings From The Freest* State In The Land, Suckers: Your Florida Roundup…
  Numbers don't lie

SHOCKING New Poll Shows Majority Of GOP Total Idiots

At least he spells good
Brace yourselves for some stunning, shocking, jaw-dropping, too-amazing-to-believe-yet-totally-believable news! According to a new poll from PPP, the Republican Party is overflowing with morons. It’s true. In fact, it’s SCIENCE! Or MATH! Or some kind of liberal hoax thing! Read more on SHOCKING New Poll Shows Majority Of GOP Total Idiots…
  Jeb 2016: A diamond bracelet in every pot

Mrs. Jeb Bush Will Buy ALL THE THINGS

Jeb and Columba, a nice sweet couple from humble beginnings
So, uh, Jeb Bush’s wife has a problem. And it’s kind of a serious problem. You see, Columba Bush cannot stop buying ALL THE THINGS: [In 2000], she took out a loan to buy $42,311.70 worth of jewelry on a single day, according to records filed with the state of Florida by Mayors Jewelers. Read more on Mrs. Jeb Bush Will Buy ALL THE THINGS…
  Here have some news n stuff

Not-Racist Mississippi Gent Very Sorry Now For All That Not-Racism

According to his notes, he's very sorry now
Hooray, we have defeated racism once again! It seems like it was just days ago that Mississippi state Rep. Gene Alday (R-Even Though Democrats Are The REAL Racists) was still trying to justify his charming reflections on coming “from a town where all the blacks are getting food stamps and what I call ‘welfare crazy checks.'” Oh right! That’s because it was on Monday, of this very same week, that he said those comments were supposed to be “off the record.” Plus, the reporter who’d cornered him into saying that stuff had called him “late at night,” and everyone knows how easily racism rolls right off the tongue after sundown. Not that it was racism, mind you, because as Alday was insisting up until a second ago, “I didn’t do anything wrong. The guy made me look like a fool.” So, per the standard procedure of Racist Dude Says Racist Thing, after “out of context” and “I’m not sorry cuz I didn’t do nothin’ wrong,” we have the sincere and very credible apology: Read more on Not-Racist Mississippi Gent Very Sorry Now For All That Not-Racism…
  Here have some news n stuff

Correction: Barack Obama Is Not In Fact The Antichrist

But it says so in the Bible!
Best newspaper correction ever or BEST EVER?Here’s the original letter. It’s quite something: Who and what is Barack Obama? Obama claims nobody can stop him or change anything he’s done. This evil must come to pass before the Lord’s return and the rise of the Antichrist, but you better know what evil you’re dealing with. Nobody is promised another minute of life upon this earth, and judgment comes at the time of your death. Read more on Correction: Barack Obama Is Not In Fact The Antichrist…
  there is a theme this week

All About the D*cks: Your Florida Roundup

Of course the first person to receive a dick-reduction surgery hails from the state that looks like a dick. Of course he does. The unnamed 17-year-old, whom we’ll call Richard, was apparently … how to say? … wider than he was deep. Seven inches long, 10 inches in circumference, about the size of a grapefruit — while flaccid. That’s a thick piece, dude. Read more on All About the D*cks: Your Florida Roundup…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Jeb Bush’s Website Violates Everybody’s Privacy, Oops (Video)

Oh, those fabulous Bushes
Rachel Maddow loves the Bush family almost as much as we do. Especially their talent for putting their foot in it, as President George H.W. Bush did when he seemed amazed by a supermarket scanner during his 1992 reelection campaign. Supposedly, he was amazed not by the scanner itself, but by its advanced features, like being able to read torn labels, but mostly, she says, it just looked like he was unfamiliar with the “fundamental basics of peasant life, like how you pay for stuff at the store.” Read more on Morning Maddow: Jeb Bush’s Website Violates Everybody’s Privacy, Oops (Video)…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Meet The Techie Bears Who’ve Been Trolling Jeb Bush With Equality

Rachel bursts into song
Rachel Maddow brought us some updates Monday to her story last week about the serious outbreak of weird in Oregon. First, as she’d hoped, Rachel scored an interview with C.J. Phillips and Charlie Rainwater, a Portland couple who describe themselves as “high-tech bears,” and they tell her all about their plans for the website JebBushForPresident.com, which is not actually promoting the former Florida governor’s candidacy, but rather, invites gay and straight Americans to “have a chat, share viewpoints, maybe realize that the person you felt you could never have anything in common with is actually dealing with exactly the same issues.” They’re ridiculously sweet guys. And while the domain name isn’t for sale, they do have a backup, just in case: CJandCharlieForPresident.com. Read more on Morning Maddow: Meet The Techie Bears Who’ve Been Trolling Jeb Bush With Equality…
  Here have some news n stuff

Jeb Bush’s New Tech Genius Is Aware Of All Internet Traditions, Including Misogyny

The smart one, remember?
Jeb Bush is doing a great job so far of proving just how “The Smart One” he is, even though he has not yet officially announced his candidacy for Republican Loser of 2016. Also, of proving how low a bar that is when you’re talking about the Bush family.Jeb just made a terrific new hire to join his unofficially-but-totally-running-for-president team: a boy genius named Ethan Czahor, to be his chief technology officer. Among his many accomplishments, he founded something that is called — no, we are not making this up — Hipster.com, and he’s going to use his savvy to reach out to the kids these days on the interwebs because he is really good at the newfangled technology, and yes, you probably can guess exactly where this is going.It took the very interwebs at which this guy is supposed to be so skilled all of .2 seconds to discover his online history of being a sexist, racist, homophobic jerkhole Republican (but we repeat ourselves). Read more on Jeb Bush’s New Tech Genius Is Aware Of All Internet Traditions, Including Misogyny…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Gay Oregon Bears Will Use Jeb Bush To Fight For Equality

First the digitally-added duck, now an owl.
Thursday’s Rachel Maddow Show kicked off with a salute to Oregon, whose politics are strange and whose wildlife is uppity. There’s the seemingly never-ending parade of weird in the state’s minority Republican Party: The party chair asked people to send him pee samples, and their 2014 Senate candidate, who ran her entire campaign against Obamacare, applied for a job running the state’s Obamacare program after she lost the election. Read more on Morning Maddow: Gay Oregon Bears Will Use Jeb Bush To Fight For Equality…
  Trump/Thing On Trump's Head 2016!

President Trump Recalls How Easy Beating Obama Was In 2012

The yoogest, classiest President
Donald Trump was in Iowa this weekend making noises from his mouth hole about the possibility that he will keep talking forever about running for president, and people at Steve King’s CrazyRama actually applauded him. We can understand that, because as we believe we have pointed out, they are crazy. Less explicable is the fact that the Des Moines Register, an actual journalistic newspaper enterprise, asked Trump to sit down for an interview just like he was a real political candidate or something! Read more on President Trump Recalls How Easy Beating Obama Was In 2012…
  there can be only one

Scott Walker Addresses People Of Iowa? New Hampshire? Wait. Wisconsin? Yeah, Wisconsin

Good evening, Des Moines!
It’s a new year, which means government executives all over the country are in the midst of self-congratulatory presentations of cherry-picked accomplishments and passive-aggressively reading lists of future demands. It’s mostly trite and zzzzzzzz but some of them are worth your attention. Well, our attention anyway. You should spend time with the people you love. Read more on Scott Walker Addresses People Of Iowa? New Hampshire? Wait. Wisconsin? Yeah, Wisconsin…
  Never ever seriously NEVER forget

2014: The Year We Still Hated George W. Bush, And You Can Too!

Still not over it
Sure, it has been many years since George Dubya Bush occupied the White House, which he stole, YES HE DID. But that doesn’t mean our fierce and fiery hatred of his presidency should end any time soon. In 2014, while he was emailing his nudie self-portraits to his sister (ewwwwww, dude, GROSS) and clearing brush and trying not to choke on pretzels and pretending he’s too dignified to criticize the current president — while not saying squat as his vice president says ALL THE WORST THINGS, gosh, how convenient — George continued to give us plenty of reasons to keep on keeping on with the despising of him and his presidency and, screw it, his little dog too. Read more on 2014: The Year We Still Hated George W. Bush, And You Can Too!…
  rage against the machine

Conservatives React To Jeb Bush With Usual Thoughtfulness And Rage-Induced Aneurysms

#BetterThanJeb
Jeb Bush’s announcement this morning that he is exploring maybe thinking about the possibility of considering a run for the presidency has set off an awesome fit of rage and whining among the true conservatives of the right, and it is hilarious. Hanukkah doesn’t even start for a few more hours, and already we have received the greatest gift. Read more on Conservatives React To Jeb Bush With Usual Thoughtfulness And Rage-Induced Aneurysms…
  Somewhere Out There Katherine Harris Is Salivating

Jeb Bush May Bless Us With Presidential Run

He's just so dreamy
In a Christmas present for America, former Florida Gov. Jeb “The Smart One. No Really” Bush announced Tuesday that he will “actively explore the possibility” of a presidential run, because his country needs him a whole lot. Taking to the traditional platform for such announcements, Twitter and Facebook — late-night talk shows are so over — the passionate nonentity said that the topic just sort of naturally came up at the Thanksgiving dinner table, as is the norm in American families: Read more on Jeb Bush May Bless Us With Presidential Run…
  Here have some news n stuff

RINO George W. Bush Totally Supports Obama’s Goal Of Beating Bad Guys

Is this guy even a Republican?
George Dubya gave an interview on CNN and said some stuff. Like how when he heard about the grand jury in New York refusing to indict the cop who choked Eric Garner to death, it made him “sad that race continues to play such a, you know, kind of emotional, divisive part of life.” And how if his brother Jeb runs for president, he will SO full-on win. And also how it was a real comfort to him sometimes, when he was president, that his daddy had been president too, because his daddy could, like, totally get it, man. Read more on RINO George W. Bush Totally Supports Obama’s Goal Of Beating Bad Guys…
  Go Get Your Bass

‘Republican Rainbow Coalition’ Is A Real Thing, Says Delusional Idiot

GET IT!?
O the joys of being a young conservative hack. You’re on a glide path to David Brooks’ seat on the New York Times op-ed board, and all you have to do is rewrite GOP press releases into #PoliticalHotTakes! Literally your only job is to make those talking points sound plausible, something the Daily Beast‘s Tim Mak didn’t manage to do with this puerile fantasy about the Republicans’ new “Rainbow Coalition.” Read more on ‘Republican Rainbow Coalition’ Is A Real Thing, Says Delusional Idiot…
  Democrat Party Of One

Oh Hey There Is A New Democrat In The Senate, That’s Nice!

A rare sight: A Democrat giving a victory speech
It’s hard out there for a new Democratic senator. Scratch that: It’s hard out there for the one and only new Democratic senator. Rep. Gary Peters of Michigan (thank you, Michigan) was one of a very — very, very, very — select group of Democrats who did not have to drown all their sorrows after the Great Ass-Whoopin’ of 2014 and instead got to give a victory speech on that fateful Tuesday night. He’s the House member who beat Republican Terri Lynn Land (thank you again, Michigan). You remember Land, of course. She’s the one who, in response to suggestions that she was actually part of her party’s war on women, ran a HI-larious ad in which she said “REALLY?” and then sipped her coffee and literally had no more words to say. Turns out that ad didn’t help her. And apparently, having Jeb Bush on the campaign trail didn’t help her either. Read more on Oh Hey There Is A New Democrat In The Senate, That’s Nice!…