Tag Archives: jeb bush

  Trigger warning for GWB

George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really.

Fuck this guy
Ever since leaving the White House, the worst president in America’s history has mostly kept his stumbling idiot wordhole shut, because he is a man of integrity, and he would never stoop so low as to criticize President Obama, as he explained in 2009: Read more on George W. Bush Emerges From Spider Hole To Trash-Talk Obama’s Middle East Strategy. Really….
  yes but does he eat arugula?

New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President

The New York Times is such a lovable whackjob sometimes. They apparently are having all kinds of fun doing profiles of the GOP presidential candidates! Wednesday, we learned that smug prick Ted Cruz was also a smug prick when he was in college, and that he gets all defensive when you make jokes about him. Today, it is Jeb Bush’s turn. What jewels of knowledge does the Times have for us, about Jeb? Oh, just that he really wants to be president, but he can’t because he’s not a big fatso anymore, which means he won’t be able to relate to Trans Fat-Americans. You see, Jeb Bush has lost weight, because he has gone on the trendy Paleo diet, and also he does crunches or something: Read more on New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President…
  Climate change climate change climate change also climate change

Obama Celebrates Earth Day By Trolling Dumb Florida Republicans

Yes, he's mocking you
It might be illegal to say “CLIMATE CHANGE” in Florida, but that’s not stopping President Obama from going there to say “CLIMATE CHANGE” a whole bunch of times, for Earth Day. Oh, does that make it awkward for you, Florida? And for all you Floridian Republicans — Gov. Rick Scott, former Gov. Jeb Bush, Sen. Marco Rubio — who are like, “Meh, Bible says nuh uh, no THOSE WORDS here”? Too bad, so sad, CLIMATE CHANGE. Read more on Obama Celebrates Earth Day By Trolling Dumb Florida Republicans…
  The new McCarthyism is just as gay as the Old McCarthyism

Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates’ Hidey-Holes

This time we'll burn the GAY witches!
It’s very tough to be a “family values” conservative these days! The Republican Party, for many years now, has viewed its wingnut anti-gay base as A Great Big Useful Idiot, so they all have a contest to see who can pay them the most lip service about God Hates Fags, and then they elect people who totally BETRAY THEM by failing to ban gays from even existing. Ken Mehlman used to run the RNC, and then he magically turned into a homosexual and now fights for so-called gay “marriage.” Laura Bush thinks it’s okay for the homosexuals to get married too! And do not even get them STARTED on Cindy and Meghan McCain, those gay-lovin’ bitches. So a group of wingnuts that calls itself the American Renewal Project has decided to go full McCarthy, investigating all the 2016 candidates, as well as their families and staff members, to see what kinda homosexuals and gay-lovers they’re hiding: Read more on Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates’ Hidey-Holes…
  Triumph Of The Living Will

Jeb Bush Gonna Death-Panel Americans To Death, With Death Panels!

OK, it's a little heavyhanded. Except maybe compared to passing a law to keep someone on life support forever.
Probable presidential candidate John Ellis Bush (“Jeb”) Bush, fresh off his recent interview bragging about how he saved Terri Schiavo’s life real good 13 years ago, has given some thought to how future governors can be saved from the anguish that he had to suffer in that case, and he thinks maybe the answer is that patients on Medicare should be required to make a plan for the kind of end-of-life care they want. You know, death panels. Read more on Jeb Bush Gonna Death-Panel Americans To Death, With Death Panels!…
  boom flakkalaka flakkalaka flakkalaka flakka boom

Gyrocopters, Demons, And Squirrelly Motherf*ckers! Your Florida Roundup

Florida Man was fucking busy this week, you guys! Let’s dive right in. Meet Doug Hughes, Great American Hero. (Oh wait, you already have.) Mr. Doug is a dedicated public servant and self-proclaimed Showman Patriot, a 61-year-old mailman from Ruskin, Florida (no, we have no idea where that is), who decided to combat the scourge of excess campaign money (which is definitely A Thing That Deserves To Be Combatted) by hopping in his gyrocopter (A Thing That Also Apparently Exists) and flying to the nation’s Capitol. Hughes wanted to drop off a letter to each of the 535 members of Congress telling them they could just go fuck the fuck off if they didn’t want to combat corruption, just like Thomas Jefferson would … even though he was going through restricted Washington DC airspace: Read more on Gyrocopters, Demons, And Squirrelly Motherf*ckers! Your Florida Roundup…
  theocratic jackwagons and the politicians who love them

Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’

Brave Sir Jeb
Image via DonkeyHotey at Flickr Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who is actually a sack of flour dumped into poorly tailored suits, is out on the campaign trail pandering to the religious right like a good Republican candidate for president. Yesterday he sat down for a radio interview with Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family, to brag about his actions defending life, such as the time he told his brother George W. Bush not to invade Iraq and maim and kill hundreds of thousands of people for absolutely no reason. Read more on Jeb Bush Super Proud Of That Time He Tortured Terri Schiavo, For ‘Life’…
  Why can't white men catch a break?

Bill O’Reilly: Hillary Clinton To Murder All The Poor White Christian Men, Goodbye America

The world’s greatest and bravest and most honest award-winning war correspondent and objective reporter, Bill O’Reilly, offered his own Hot Take on Hillary Clinton’s chances of beating all the Republicans to a bloody pulp in the 2016 election. In O’Reilly’s fair and balanced nonpartisan analysis, Clinton has the clear advantage, and the reason will amaze you! Read more on Bill O’Reilly: Hillary Clinton To Murder All The Poor White Christian Men, Goodbye America…
  Bored now

Marco Rubio Really Really REALLY Wants You To Know He Will Lose For President Too

Are you not sexcited?
Marco Rubio has spent the past 24 hours trying to cocktease the internet into caring about his Big Announcement coming Monday evening, whatever it might be. Obviously, the world is on pins and needles, wondering what Rubio might announce, but now we do not have to wait until 6 PM to find out. Read more on Marco Rubio Really Really REALLY Wants You To Know He Will Lose For President Too…
  this week’s column basically wrote itself

Who Forgot To Close The F*cking Sunroof?: Your Florida Roundup

just bearing my arms, bro
Florida: The only godforsaken place on Earth where — on baseball’s Opening Day — you can have a rain delay in a stadium that has a fucking roof: Congratulations to the Miami Marlins on finding a way to stop their first game of the season with a rain delay, despite having a stadium with a roof. They are pioneers. Pioneers who didn’t close their roof. Better yet: Because this is a stadium with a fucking roof, the grounds crew really had no equipment to deal with a drenched field. Read more on Who Forgot To Close The F*cking Sunroof?: Your Florida Roundup…
  Pander alert

Jeb Bush One-Ups Marco Rubio By Becoming Hispanic Voter

Who among us hasn't made this mistake?
Did you know that if you speak Spanish, marry a Mexican, and do a stint abroad in Venezuela, you too can become Hispanic? No, really, it’s true! At least according to a 2009 voter registration form completed by whiter-than-snow and dumber-than-dirt Jeb Bush, speaker of Spanish and marry-ier of a Hispanic lady: Read more on Jeb Bush One-Ups Marco Rubio By Becoming Hispanic Voter…
  Here have some news n stuff

The Way Jeb Bush Is F*cking Up, You’d Think He Was Already Running For President

Maybe the not so S-M-R-T one
Jeb Bush — who has got to be tired by now of being laughingly referred to as “the smart one,” but screw him, let’s never stop doing that, he IS supposed to be the smart one, isn’t he? — has had a lot of campaign problems for a guy who hasn’t officially launched his presidential campaign yet. Here’s his latest: Read more on The Way Jeb Bush Is F*cking Up, You’d Think He Was Already Running For President…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin

Feel the excitement.
Spring was in the air and in her step. The long winter may have left the city’s streets with so many potholes they looked like Berlin in 1945, but the snow was melting, the homeless had cleared off the steam grates in search of cooler spots, and the warm air made New York once again smell like a landfill. After the longest winter of her years here, the city was coming back to life. Read more on Peggy Noonan Pub Crawls Through 2016 Field, Finds Gin, Contradictions, More Gin…
  Clintongate Part Whatever

Hillary Clinton Did An Email Thing That May Or May Not Be Wrong, And The NYT Is ON IT

Maybe not so ready for planet Hillary yet
The New York Times reported an explosive breaking exclusive ZOMG! Clinton scandal on Monday night, so turn on the Drudge Siren and grab your splooge sock because CLINTON SCANDAL!!!! Hillary Rodham Clinton exclusively used a personal email account to conduct government business as secretary of state, State Department officials said, and may have violated federal requirements that officials’ correspondence be retained as part of the agency’s record. Read more on Hillary Clinton Did An Email Thing That May Or May Not Be Wrong, And The NYT Is ON IT…
  freeeeeeeeeeeedom!!!!1!

Greetings From The Freest* State In The Land, Suckers: Your Florida Roundup

Good news, everyone! According to some outfit called the John Locke Foundation, which is based in North Carolina and apparently doesn’t visit often, Florida is not only the state where half-senile olds turn out in droves to elect baldheaded, Medicare-frauding cartoon ghouls governor (twice), but also the “freest” state in the nation. Of course, as the good folks at Reason remind, this can only be so if you ignore all the bullshit our cops do (and, I might add, the fact that we fought like hell against letting the gays marry and voted down medical marijuana at the Reefer Madness-style urging of the law enforcement establishment). But that’s okay, because the John Locke folks don’t really give a fuck about civil liberties or any other such hippie nonsense. Nope, it’s all guns and taxes and vouchers and hating on Medicaid for the poors — they seem like such nice people — and Florida kicks everyone’s ass on that stuff: Read more on Greetings From The Freest* State In The Land, Suckers: Your Florida Roundup…
  Numbers don't lie

SHOCKING New Poll Shows Majority Of GOP Total Idiots

At least he spells good
Brace yourselves for some stunning, shocking, jaw-dropping, too-amazing-to-believe-yet-totally-believable news! According to a new poll from PPP, the Republican Party is overflowing with morons. It’s true. In fact, it’s SCIENCE! Or MATH! Or some kind of liberal hoax thing! Read more on SHOCKING New Poll Shows Majority Of GOP Total Idiots…
  Jeb 2016: A diamond bracelet in every pot

Mrs. Jeb Bush Will Buy ALL THE THINGS

Jeb and Columba, a nice sweet couple from humble beginnings
So, uh, Jeb Bush’s wife has a problem. And it’s kind of a serious problem. You see, Columba Bush cannot stop buying ALL THE THINGS: [In 2000], she took out a loan to buy $42,311.70 worth of jewelry on a single day, according to records filed with the state of Florida by Mayors Jewelers. Read more on Mrs. Jeb Bush Will Buy ALL THE THINGS…
  Here have some news n stuff

Not-Racist Mississippi Gent Very Sorry Now For All That Not-Racism

According to his notes, he's very sorry now
Hooray, we have defeated racism once again! It seems like it was just days ago that Mississippi state Rep. Gene Alday (R-Even Though Democrats Are The REAL Racists) was still trying to justify his charming reflections on coming “from a town where all the blacks are getting food stamps and what I call ‘welfare crazy checks.'” Oh right! That’s because it was on Monday, of this very same week, that he said those comments were supposed to be “off the record.” Plus, the reporter who’d cornered him into saying that stuff had called him “late at night,” and everyone knows how easily racism rolls right off the tongue after sundown. Not that it was racism, mind you, because as Alday was insisting up until a second ago, “I didn’t do anything wrong. The guy made me look like a fool.” So, per the standard procedure of Racist Dude Says Racist Thing, after “out of context” and “I’m not sorry cuz I didn’t do nothin’ wrong,” we have the sincere and very credible apology: Read more on Not-Racist Mississippi Gent Very Sorry Now For All That Not-Racism…
  Here have some news n stuff

Correction: Barack Obama Is Not In Fact The Antichrist

Manhater
Best newspaper correction ever or BEST EVER?Here’s the original letter. It’s quite something: Who and what is Barack Obama? Obama claims nobody can stop him or change anything he’s done. This evil must come to pass before the Lord’s return and the rise of the Antichrist, but you better know what evil you’re dealing with. Nobody is promised another minute of life upon this earth, and judgment comes at the time of your death. Read more on Correction: Barack Obama Is Not In Fact The Antichrist…
  there is a theme this week

All About the D*cks: Your Florida Roundup

Of course the first person to receive a dick-reduction surgery hails from the state that looks like a dick. Of course he does. The unnamed 17-year-old, whom we’ll call Richard, was apparently … how to say? … wider than he was deep. Seven inches long, 10 inches in circumference, about the size of a grapefruit — while flaccid. That’s a thick piece, dude. Read more on All About the D*cks: Your Florida Roundup…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Jeb Bush’s Website Violates Everybody’s Privacy, Oops (Video)

Oh, those fabulous Bushes
Rachel Maddow loves the Bush family almost as much as we do. Especially their talent for putting their foot in it, as President George H.W. Bush did when he seemed amazed by a supermarket scanner during his 1992 reelection campaign. Supposedly, he was amazed not by the scanner itself, but by its advanced features, like being able to read torn labels, but mostly, she says, it just looked like he was unfamiliar with the “fundamental basics of peasant life, like how you pay for stuff at the store.” Read more on Morning Maddow: Jeb Bush’s Website Violates Everybody’s Privacy, Oops (Video)…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Meet The Techie Bears Who’ve Been Trolling Jeb Bush With Equality

Rachel bursts into song
Rachel Maddow brought us some updates Monday to her story last week about the serious outbreak of weird in Oregon. First, as she’d hoped, Rachel scored an interview with C.J. Phillips and Charlie Rainwater, a Portland couple who describe themselves as “high-tech bears,” and they tell her all about their plans for the website JebBushForPresident.com, which is not actually promoting the former Florida governor’s candidacy, but rather, invites gay and straight Americans to “have a chat, share viewpoints, maybe realize that the person you felt you could never have anything in common with is actually dealing with exactly the same issues.” They’re ridiculously sweet guys. And while the domain name isn’t for sale, they do have a backup, just in case: CJandCharlieForPresident.com. Read more on Morning Maddow: Meet The Techie Bears Who’ve Been Trolling Jeb Bush With Equality…