Wonkette

This week, our omnipresent eyes and ears spotted Brit Hume, Jean Schmidt, Tony Snow, Ron Paul, Elvis Costello, Katie Couric, Patrick McHenry, Hillary Clinton, and Tom DeLay, then wrote about spotting them in emails, which they sent to us. And now all those emails are posted after the jump!

See someone sorta famous in DC? Tell us all about it in an email with the subject line “Wonk’d” or “sightings.”

MORE »

* “Jesus would be happy” if John Edwards became President, says John Edwards. [Beliefnet]
* U.S. Attorney and Rove tool-man Tim Griffin loves the Arkansas skanks. [Radar]
* Everything Karl Rove knows he learned from Nikita Khrushchev. [Shakespeare's Sister]
* Hillary Clinton fundraiser features many poignant moments, very little food. [Hotline on Call]
* Hillary’s Second Life headquarters not worth wasting shittingdicknipples on. [techPresident]
* Jean Schmidt is holding her moral ground on the “Walter Reed, it ain’t so bad” issue. [Enquirer]
* Tom Lantos’ wife: coming soon to a nightmare near you. [1115]

* Heard on the Hill: Folks who drank for free at Tuesday night’s Guinness-sponsored St Patrick’s Day party were cool, but if you tried to take the free cab home, you were in violation of House Ethics rules… Post reporter wanders onto House floor during first day on the job… Everyone loves Stevie Wonder… Senators are not very punctual, find it difficult to make it to the Capitol in time to vote. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Chuck Schumer’s “It’s Academic” team reunited. Breaking: Chuck Schumer was a tool in 1967 too… The BBC reported that some fake blog was actually written by Patrick Fitzgerald. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Rep. Dennis Rehberg admits to being illiterate… Thaddeus McCotter is holding a fundraiser tonight at the Chi-Cha Lounge so that he can smoke. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Sens. Clinton and Lott barely made it to the Senate in time for for the cloture vote in Iraq… Which Dem lawmaker’s leaked Dave Obey’s made-up info to the press? … José Serrano: funny guy! … Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger: 36th most liked member of congress… Wyclef loves Barry Obama. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Jean Schmidt slipped and fell on vomit in a Cannon bathroom. Laughing out loud, etc. etc. [Politico]
* Rush & Molloy: Senator Arnold Schwarzenegger? God save us all. [NYDN]

* Janet Reno joins Justice Department Officials from Carter, Reagan, and Clinton administrations to issue a letter against indefinite detention of terror suspects. [WP]
* Embattled federal family planning programs chief Eric Keroack has previously prescribed actual birth control and not just the trusty “pull out” technique. [WP]
* Shattering the myth of government efficiency, contracting procedures at DHS are found to be inconsistent and poorly documented. [WP]
* White House appears willing to drop private accounts from Social Security reform package. [WSJ]
* Rules of Congressional real estate: location, location, and “mine is bigger than yours” bragging rights. [NYT]
* Joe Lieberman hires “Trotskyite Zionist Reaganite” as communications director. [NYT]
* Ohio, not wanting Wonkette to be starved for material, puts Jean Schmidt back in office. [AP]

Mean Jean Schmidt learned today that even an innocent rich white Republican woman can be accidentally snared in the brave campaign to keep Negroes from voting. MORE »

• Jean Schmidt afraid that after losing her seat in the House, she’ll also be forced to relinquish the title of most moronic elected official from Ohio. [Talking Points Memo]

• For Dick Cheney, a day without waterboarding is like a day without air. [MoJo Blog]
• New Bob Corker campaign ad being “checked” by Tennessee television stations. The ad won’t be aired unless it meets a minimum threshold of racist content. [Wizbang Politics]
• White House spokesman freely admits Iraq policy is driven by political concerns, MSM finds it too obvious to report. [Media Matters]
• Iraqi Insurgents For Lamont to begin airing campaign ads. [The Carpetbagger Report]
• South Korean panic over North Korean nuclear ambitions being assuaged by copious amounts of life-affirming sex. [Outside the Beltway]
• Roll Call steals our idea, improves it by using research tools other than Google. [TPM Muckraker]
• The Swiss cheese memory of Dennis Hastert strikes again as he replaces “forgotten” facts with made up ones. [Think Progress]

Representative Jean Schmidt’s previous public meltdowns have been so comical that it saddens us to see her reduced to mere plagiarism, the hallmark of boring, unimportant people like bloggers, academics, and music writers. Who can forget… MORE »

Washington people just never quit working. Bill Kristol rises early to have breakfast with congressmen, Michael Chertoff spends Friday nights securing the homeland’s movie theaters, and Valerie Plame reads political non-fiction on street corners cause she can’t get enough. And kindly father Alito (at right — ain’t he loveable?) spends his weekends carting his daughter’s luggage all over 37th street. This plus philandering soccer players, jaywalking TV gangsters, and mustachioed wrestlers, after the jump!

MORE »

As a public service to our readers in Ohio, if your funds are a little low at the moment, you might want to lend a hand to Jennifer Black, better known as Congressthing Jean Schmidt’s evil twin. And it’s easy! All you have to do is find those meanies who keep defacing and/or destroying the pro-life signs on the grounds of the no-doubt ultraswanky Schmidt family farm. Heck, that doesn’t sound very hard: a couple of nights hiding in a field with a shotgun for five franklins? It’s like shooting cultural warrior fish in a barrel. And the opportunity to stand that close to Jean Schmidt’s shared gene pool? Heck, we’d do that for free. MORE »

* This is how the world will end, not with a bang, but a clank, and the thump of a pneumatic hammer on an elevator. We’re relieved that no one was hurt, but it sure was exciting covering all the action. Er, whatever it is that passes for action. In the end, the biggest danger of the day was the risk of some soiled gabardine, but even that was averted. MORE »