Tag Archives: jason chaffetz

  OK Maybe More Hookers Than Blow

DEA Gets Its Very Own Colombian Hookers-N-Blow Scandal

Can't believe they kept these wild photos!
Members of the Secret Service have to be feeling pretty relieved that theirs is now not the only federal agency with an embarrassing hookers-in-Colombia scandal. Agents from the Drug Enforcement Agency allegedly had “sex parties” — and possibly even wild sex parties — with prostitutes in Colombia from 2005 to 2008, according to a Department of Justice inspector general’s report. And just to add to the fun, the DEA agents’ prostie-parties were reportedly paid for by drug cartels, which is, depending on your perspective, either way worse or way better than the Secret Service prostitution capers. On the one hand, at least the Secret Service wasn’t having its hookers paid for by the Assassins’ Guild. On the other other hand, the Secret Service scandal came to light partly because the cheap bastards didn’t even pay their hookers, who complained, so we can take some comfort from the fact that the DEA’s ladies received a fair day’s wages for their negotiable affection. It’s all a matter of perspective, no? Read more on DEA Gets Its Very Own Colombian Hookers-N-Blow Scandal…
  in his majesty’s secret service … chug chug chug!

Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!

Have you ever wondered, when they’re not scoring those sweet, sweet South American hookers or being generally incompetent, what Secret Service agents do for fun? Sure you have. Well, it turns out they behave just like the rest of us — at least, like the rest of us did when we were drug-addled, brain-dead college freshman. Read more on Secret Service Bros Drunk Drive Into White House Barricades. Party On!…
  clipbait

Will.i.am Was On Meet The Press Yesterday And We Have No Idea Why

Continuing his trend of inexplicably receiving attention, rapper Will.i.am (lord, do you know how long it takes to type his name that stupid way?) appeared on Meet the Press yesterday, apparently as “an Obama supporter and philanthropist.” Was George Soros unavailable? Meet the Press also let him debate Representative Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) about private versus public sector job creation, among other things, because when we think job creator, we think “Black-Eyed Peas frontman who has a habit of wearing really stupid hats.” Read more on Will.i.am Was On Meet The Press Yesterday And We Have No Idea Why…
  gop cares not for minorities

GOP Loves Democracy So Much They Change House Rules So Only GOP Can Participate

You remember reading Calvin & Hobbes, the greatest comic ever written in the history of ever? Rambunctious little Calvin and his imaginary friend Hobbes would sometimes play Calvinball, a game where you make up the rules as you go along. Apparently, the GOP thought this was the greatest government blueprint since Green Eggs & Ham, and juuuussst before the government shutdown started, decided to bring a little Calvinball to Congress, per The Hill: Under long-standing House rules, any member of the chamber can bring a measure to the floor. But Republicans altered the rule governing legislation to fund the government so that only House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) holds the power to make such a motion. Well, librul hero and fan of following rules Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD)* decided to make sure that the American people knew what kind of faux-democracy the GOP was rigging. After the jump, prepare for some wonktastic House floor debate on rules and procedure! No seriously, its awesome.  Read more on GOP Loves Democracy So Much They Change House Rules So Only GOP Can Participate…
  nice time or whatever oh fuck it

BREAKING! David Vitter Does Thing That Is Kind Of Okay

In breaking news-that-shouldn’t-be-news, a Republican Senator has publicly stated that he will help constituents if they call asking for help about a federal program! Ticker-tape parade! Balloons! A spread of the finest Ritz crackers and Costco-brand cheeses in all the land! Who is this brave Republican who will seek to actually help the people who elected him? None other than our favorite baby-cosplay-with-prostitutes-having politician, David Vitter (R-Red Light)! Per Think Progress: QUESTION: Is your office going to help constituents who might simply want to buy insurance? VITTER: Well, we’re helping folks in any way we can trying to get them good information… We field calls every day in my offices in Louisiana trying to help people with individual questions and circumstances and I would encourage folks to call my office to get that guidance and help. We are not sure whether or not the Senator is aware that diapers are not covered by Obamacare, but don’t tell him or he might change his mind.  Read more on BREAKING! David Vitter Does Thing That Is Kind Of Okay…
  great resistance movements

GOP Not Ready To Abandon Grand Strategy Of Achieving Success By Throwing Tantrums

All good Wonkiputians are aware that the GOP has spent five years branding itself as “The Party of No.” Since that hasn’t worked to stop the horror of gay people getting married or the communist tyranny of citizens having access to health insurance, the Republicans are now trying out a new slogan: The Party of We Don’t Wanna! First up, the homos and their insatiable quest to destroy straight marriage. Sometime this week the world will find out if the U.S. America’s highest court has decided to wave the white flag and surrender to the homosexual agenda. But a dedicated fifth column of conservatives will continue to fight on by doing, uh, something: Read more on GOP Not Ready To Abandon Grand Strategy Of Achieving Success By Throwing Tantrums…
  He wants his golden goose now daddy

Republican Ninja Congressman Who Cut Consulate Security Wants to Impeach Obama NOW!!!!! For Having Insecure Consulate

Republican Rep. Jason Chaffetz is sooooooo sick of waiting to impeach President Obama for being black, oops, we mean BENGHAZI!!!!!1! He’s already taken the trip to Libya (hey, he actually knows where Benghazi is, unlike the 39 percent of voters who think it’s the MOST SCANDALOUS SCANDAL EVER but can’t find it on a map). And he’s talked to some of his other Republican friends in the House, and they want to impeach that mean ol’ president too. But damnit, Daddy Boehner won’t let them — yet — and that is sooooooo not fair! Chaffetz wants his impeachment NOW!!!! [stamps feet, pouts] because something something the White House Obama furious spittle stuff! “They purposefully and willfully misled the American people, and that’s unacceptable,” Chaffetz tells me. “It’s part of a pattern of deception.” Behind the scenes, he says, House Republicans are frustrated by the White House’s evasiveness, and the calls for impeachment will likely increase. And and and … they’re out to get him too! At least according to the little voices in his head: He worries that allies of Obama and former secretary of state Hillary Clinton have inappropriately pressured his sources — and restricted his access. […] “The State Department had people watching my every move,” he recalls. “But even as they watched me like a hawk, I was able to see how ill-prepared the embassy was for an attack. There were walls that weren’t very tall, and trees that could be climbed. One of the walls was so low that some people were able to prop up a ladder to dump trash on our embassy’s grounds. I asked one of my guides why that was allowed, and he shook his head and said, ‘Well, I guess we just didn’t want to offend the neighbors.’” Read more on Republican Ninja Congressman Who Cut Consulate Security Wants to Impeach Obama NOW!!!!! For Having Insecure Consulate…
  Fast & Spurious

Woah: Fox & Friends Nearly (Accidentally?) Practiced a Tiny Smidgen of Journalism

Uh-oh, Chongo! The fearsome intellects of Fox & Friends are flirting with getting their mics torn off and stomped by their megalomaniac boss! In an interview Monday with Utah Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Benghazi-Benghazi-Benghazi), the hosts actually asked questions that questioned some of the crazy stuff he was saying, leading ThinkProgress to lead us to the Bizarro-World declaration that “They’ve Lost Fox & Friends,” where the “they” here is the Republican Party. We aren’t entirely sure about that; after all, it was early on a Monday, perhaps before the amphetamines kicked in. The more likely explanation, however, is that Our Military Leaders are never wrong. Read more on Woah: Fox & Friends Nearly (Accidentally?) Practiced a Tiny Smidgen of Journalism…
  today in boy geniuses

Hero Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz Outs Pretty Much Entire CIA

Jason Chaffetz, how is your MENSA membership? Still in good standing? Oh, good! Now, we know you and your brethren want to make some political hay out of the Libya fiasco. Who could blame you? Even we were like (secretly, in our brainpans), sup, did Hillz drop the ball? And if hacks like us are wondering that, then it is probably a potent issue indeed! But FIRST you admitted that actually, you and all your GOP buddies had voted specifically to cut funding for embassy security — “priorities,” you said, while accusing Chick Clinton of not having enough embassy security — and then you totally Valerie Plamed an entire CIA … platoon? Gaggle? Murder? Nipple? A nipple of CIA dudes? Well, whatever a bunch of CIA dudes would be. GOOD JOB IN YOUR PUBLIC TELEVISED HEARINGS ON MATTERS OF NATIONAL SECURITY, GENIUS. Read more on Hero Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz Outs Pretty Much Entire CIA…
  Screwing Poors and Old People

Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz Has Some Original Ideas On Fixing The Deficit

Representative Jason Chaffetz, a Republican (duh) from Utah, has a lot in common with his fellow Republicans, given that he thinks that fixing the deficit is a very, very important issue, but! not so important that we should be willing to cut defense spending or let the Bush tax cuts expire to get the job done. See, to Representative Jason Chaffetz, the deficit is a very specific level of important that necessitates raising the retirement age to 72, but does NOT require the expiration of the Bush tax cuts. In an op-ed over at The Hill called “Washington Has a Spending Problem, Not a Revenue Problem,” Chaffetz patiently explains that if we’d all just be willing to pitch in and sacrifice a little — you know, retire at 72, privatize Medicare, limit government assistance to Poors, that sort of thing — we can protect the interests of oil companies and rich people AND fix the deficit! Read more on Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz Has Some Original Ideas On Fixing The Deficit…
  conspiracies

Federal Government Now Paying Lots of People $150,000 For Some Reason

While the U.S. economy continues to suck, unemployment holds at a very high level, and employers are cutting salaries and benefits at every turn, one important employer is actually paying 11 times more people $150,000-a-year salaries than it did five years ago. And that employer is the federal government. Good for them! Hey, if your company is making record profits like the federal government is, you really should reward your employees. Still, federal employees are said to earn less than private-sector workers in similar jobs. But that’s not stopping Republican Congressman Jason Chaffetz from deciding that all federal employees need an across-the-board pay cut right now. Read more on Federal Government Now Paying Lots of People $150,000 For Some Reason…
  new license plate slogan: 'fuck that utah guy'

Utah Congressman To Be In Charge of D.C., Put It Back Into Maryland

The Washington City Paper‘s new “The Sexist” blogger, Dave Weigel, has a profile out on Jason Chaffetz, the “proto-Tea Party” freshman Republican Congressman from Utah who is poised to head the Federal Workforce, Postal Service, and the District of Columbia Subcommittee of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee. That’s actually sort of funny, because this guy doesn’t like DC! For example, part of his platform when he ran for office in 2008 was to work to keep the District from getting a vote in Congress. Oh, and he wants to stick DC into Maryland and overturn the legalization of gay marriage. Read more on Utah Congressman To Be In Charge of D.C., Put It Back Into Maryland…
  that's bipartisanship

Congressmen Weiner & Chaffetz Blown By Goats

Representatives Anthony Weiner (D-Brooklyn) and Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) finally found cross-party cooperation in the supple mouths of these goats. It was a dumb stunt to promote …. eh, who cares? Both men got off and then the goats were slaughtered in a VooDoo Ritual, the end. Just kidding! One of the goats actually attacked Weiner and “drew blood.” [Ben Smith via Wonkette operative-commenter The Problem Child] Read more on Congressmen Weiner & Chaffetz Blown By Goats…
  predictions

Wonkette Correctly Exactly Predicts Which Congressman Would Fight DC Gay Marriage

Yesterday, your Jim Newell announced DC’s gay-marriage-is-okay news with this caveat: “HOWEVER, while Father Congress is not expected to go all ‘Home Rule’ and block this sucker, we’re about 99.9% sure that one congressman or another representing some salty swamp in the middle of nowhere will make a half-assed attempt to ruin this, score a few points with the folks back home, etc.” Hmm, “salty swamp in the middle of nowhere,” where could that be? Read more on Wonkette Correctly Exactly Predicts Which Congressman Would Fight DC Gay Marriage…
  rumors on the internets

When Will Barack Obama Finish His Round Of Golf And Give The Order To Torpedo Vanuatu?

The “Climaquiddick Ocean?” No thanks. [RedState] It’s a shame global warming is such a disgusting hoax, because if it wasn’t, Vanuatu would surely sink into the “Climaquiddick Ocean.” And that would please the Weekly Standard very much. That would make their day sparkle. [Weekly Standard] Read more on When Will Barack Obama Finish His Round Of Golf And Give The Order To Torpedo Vanuatu?…