Tag Archives: japan

  it's morning in america

Mitt Romney Slams Obama By Saying How Great Both Their Health Plans Are

Mitt Romney has a HUGE liability in the Republican presidential race: He once helped people who needed health insurance get it, so their health and finances wouldn’t be ruined simply because their fellow citizens didn’t care if they died. Whoops! Doesn’t he know his party faithful hates protecting the lives of people who aren’t fetuses? Yesterday, he finally tried to defend his plan, but he just made things worse, endorsing the individual mandate and all the other fundamental features that underpin both plans, while paying lip service to disliking Obamacare with a few vague attacks. Mitt Romney has been found out: He’s not strong enough a man to watch and laugh while the health of some unprivileged citizens suffers needlessly. And it’s ruining him. [National Review] Read more on Mitt Romney Slams Obama By Saying How Great Both Their Health Plans Are… Read more on Mitt Romney Slams Obama By Saying How Great Both Their Health Plans Are…
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Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation

Good morning, miserable jingoes! Here is your dumb news: The Japanese government has made a few small changes to “nuclear safety standards in schools.” Japanese schoolchildren can now be exposed to twenty times more radiation than was previously allowed! Parents are “furious” for some reason, and have “delivered a bag of radioactive playground earth to education officials in protest.” (Radioactive Playground Earth. That will be the name of our next ska band.) Anyway! Japanese children can now be exposed to twenty millisieverts a year, which is “equivalent to the annual maximum dose for German nuclear workers,” according to this news article. (Oh, crap.) The EPA has already decided that Americans can eat radioactive fruits and vegetables, so we’re not far behind. [The Guardian] Read more on Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation… Read more on Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation…
  goodbye humans!

Here Is Your Nuclear Holocaust News Roundup

It’s been an exciting week of “news,” what with Donald Trump releasing his long-form draft card — which proves that Obama never went to Harvard — and blah blah blah. Good grief, we almost forgot that Japan’s crippled nuclear reactors are still leaking all kinds of unspeakable horrors! Even the lamestream media acknowledges that awful things such as plutonium 239 (a scary-ass isotope with a half life of 24,000 years) have been detected in places where they definitely shouldn’t be. How long do Royal Marriages last? Fifteen years, tops? Oh well. We’ll all be inbred mutants in ten years, anyway. Read more on Here Is Your Nuclear Holocaust News Roundup…
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New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’

Janet Napolitano has had a major breakthrough, people! A few days ago, Janet slipped and hit her head on her bathroom sink while trying to drink out of the toilet like an animal does, and bam!, an image of the flux capacitor a terror alert system with only two terror-colors appeared in her head. It was magic: one color was Elevated, and the other was Imminent. (Janet quickly realized that this new Terror Rainbow would create enough Panic to power her DeLorean torture machine, which she could use to transport Bradley Manning to rape prisons in the future.) Uh. Anyway, new terror alter system, guys! And now there is officially no such thing as a “Low” or “Guarded” Threat Level — these levels are not even remotely possible — since we are going to be fighting imaginary bogeymen until the Earth is gobbled up by a black hole, or a giant radioactive tsunami wipes out the federal government, or maybe both. Ha-ha. Oh crap. [NPR] Read more on New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’… Read more on New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’…
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Violent Egyptian Military Junta Interrogates Hosni Mubarak

Hey, Hosni Mubarak is “back” — from Comaland? — and has been detained for questioning by the new and terrible Egyptian military regime (which loves murdering demonstrators and throwing helpless bloggers in jail). And now Mubarak will be forced to answer allegations of widespread corruption, abuse of authority and the killing of protesters during his reign. (“So, Mubarak, what’s the best way to kill a protester?”) Mubarak’s sons have also been taken into custody, and are being held at Tora prison in Cairo — which is where lots of former Mubarak cronies are currently imprisoned. Anyway! One violent, corrupt military junta prosecutes another. That Democratic Revolution worked out. Nothing to see here. [McClatchy] Read more on Violent Egyptian Military Junta Interrogates Hosni Mubarak… Read more on Violent Egyptian Military Junta Interrogates Hosni Mubarak…
  hell on earth

Japan Nuke Nightmare Level Raised To ‘Chernobyl Level’

Japan finally acknowledged the full horrors at its Fukushima Dai-Ichi nuclear power plant and raised the “severity rating” to 7, the highest on the accident scale and equivalent to the Chernobyl disaster in Ukraine a quarter-century ago. Each step up the International Nuclear and Radiological Event Scale represents a tenfold increase in danger, with an accident level of 7 indicative of a “major release of radioactive material with widespread health and environmental effects requiring implementation of planned and extended countermeasures.” Read more on Japan Nuke Nightmare Level Raised To ‘Chernobyl Level’…
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Donald Trump’s Birther Investigation Makes Sarah Palin All Hot & Bothered

What do rich people do with their money, besides using it to pay taxes? (Haha, what taxes?) Well, we know what Donald Trump is wasting his fortune on, since he is a shameless exhibitionist: He has hired a crackerjack team of private investigators to find Barack Obama’s real “bird certificate,” which your Wonkette has had for quite some time now. Sarah Palin has words of encouragement for Donald, obviously: “More power to him. He’s not just throwing stones, you know — from the sidelines. He’s digging in there.” Indeed! And although Palin claims that our president was born right here, in Freedomland, she also hints that Obama is hiding something. Something sinister! That his real father is Malcolm X? Or maybe a Marxist space lizard? Who knows! You would think that Donald Trump would have some sort of duty to his shareholders — you know, to make them money, instead of hiring research interns to browse Geocities-Freeper message boards all day long. (Donald Trump is not your ordinary businessman, since he is actually a business failure who enjoys “roasting” his celebrity clown friends on Comedy Central, or something.) Anyway, Donald Trump is creating jobs. Yay! [The Hill] Read more on Donald Trump’s Birther Investigation Makes Sarah Palin All Hot & Bothered… Read more on Donald Trump’s Birther Investigation Makes Sarah Palin All Hot & Bothered…
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Fish Union Unamused By Radioactive Sushi, Demands Compensation

A trade group representing Japanese fishermen (see: scummy fish union) has called TEPCO — the company that owns the nuclear power plant that is currently exploding — incompetent and “unforgivable.” Specifically, the group is less than thrilled about Tokyo Electric and the Japanese government deciding to dump 11,500 tons of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean, resulting in, among other problems, radioactive fish and eels. But the ocean is so big and 11,500 tons is not that much radioactive water-goo, so these fishermen are probably just a bunch of whiny extortionists! (Just like the lazy fishermen on the Gulf Coast, who keep asking for handouts/”alive” baby dolphins.) Geezus. Authorities have allegedly plugged up the radioactive leaks in the reactors, so maybe conditions will improve and everything will be okay? Ha-ha, Maybe. [CNN/BBC] Read more on Fish Union Unamused By Radioactive Sushi, Demands Compensation… Read more on Fish Union Unamused By Radioactive Sushi, Demands Compensation…
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Obama Will Prosecute 9/11 Suspects In Kangaroo Court, For Freedom

Yielding to dozens of Surveymonkey petitions, Barack Obama has decided that allowing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his merry 9/11 pranksters to be tried in a “normal” court — you know, where torture-induced confessions are not considered “evidence” — would be inappropriate, and that a sensationalized military kangaroo tribunal with a swift verdict would be much better for his reelection efforts. Anyway, now “justice” will be served? Sure! This is why we need indefinite detention camps, rape prisons and military comedy courts — if we don’t suspend habeas corpus, the terrorists will steal all of our precious freedums. [AP] Read more on Obama Will Prosecute 9/11 Suspects In Kangaroo Court, For Freedom… Read more on Obama Will Prosecute 9/11 Suspects In Kangaroo Court, For Freedom…
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BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’

Let’s begin with the “funny” news: Transocean awarded its top executives with six figure bonuses, because under their shining leadership the company experienced its “best year in safety performance.” Yes, “safety bonuses” for the executives in charge of the oil rig that exploded and then spilled 200 million gallons of oil into the ocean, killing eleven people, all the baby dolphins and everything else that lives in/near the Gulf. Ha-ha, it’s good to be an executive, and receive bonus-bribes and hookers so that you will never be tempted to cooperate with the authorities — which is very unlikely to begin with, since you have no soul. Anyway! BP has tentative plans to resume drilling in the Gulf, the end. [MSNBC] Read more on BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’… Read more on BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’…
  radioactive flowering trees

A Children’s Treasury of Japanese Tree Flowers

There are many great things that come with the start of spring, like homeless people returning to Dupont Circle, tourists on Segways, free cone day, and Jesus. Of all the obligatory D.C. spring activities, though, there’s nothing more loved than staring at the cherry blossoms, even if those pretty pink blossoms look exactly the same every year. But, since Japan is just awful these days, and because we’re all but one old Brita filter away from radiation poisoning, we thought now is a good time to figure out what exactly cherry blossoms are and how they ended up in the nation’s capital. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Japanese Tree Flowers…
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Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete

Conditions at the Fukushima Daiichi plant are worsening by the day, and the general consensus seems to be that the plant’s damaged nuclear reactors are beyond repair. Remember when Japan was dumping helicopter-loads of water on the plant, to “cool down” the reactors? Ha-ha, there’s been a slight change of plans. Officials have requested the world’s largest concrete pump, which is being hastily flown from Atlanta, and then they are going to bury the reactors in concrete. Disaster averted! Meanwhile, the workers who are still at the scene have to share radiation-detection devices — meaning often times they have no idea how much radiation they are being exposed to — and they also sleep on the floor, with “only one blanket each to wrap themselves around.” Many of these selfless workers are expected to die. Anyway … Happy April 1st jokes and pranks day! [ABC] Read more on Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete… Read more on Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete…
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Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska

Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” is already gearing up to dismantle all the unions, forever. But what could make this embarrassing ice colony even more American? Probably a law that would prevent Muslims from honor-killing all the delicate white women, legally, in Alaska court! And hooray, this is exactly what some wingnut state representative wants, and he’s even introduced a bill that would stop “the potential of Islamic religious law — Sharia — from trumping the U.S. Constitution in Alaska courts.” The bill’s author, State Rep. Carl Gatto (R-Obviously), has received hundreds of supportive emails, as well as “phone calls from places like New Zealand, Poland and Israel in support of his bill.” Yes, the Alaska House of Representatives has a mandate from Poland to stop Islamic religious law in Juneau. (What is happening?) In retaliation, a member of the Islamic Community Center of Alaska sent Gatto an email politely asking him to stop being such a dumb asshole … Don’t Tread on Him! [ADN] Read more on Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska… Read more on Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska…
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World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is

More happy cherry blossom news from Japan! Extremely radioactive water has been discovered outside one of the Fukushima reactors, which means there’s a good chance that radioactive liquid is seeping into Mother Earth right now as we are typing this. Tepco officials reported that radiation levels at Reactor No. 2 were “10 million times higher than normal before correcting that figure to 100,000.” That doesn’t sound fishy at all! (Nothing will ever sound fishy ever again, once all the fish die of radiation poisoning.) And while American Authorities promise that only trivial amounts of radiation have harmlessly trickled over to our continent, and that our precious anus burgers and plasma widescreens are still safe, four of eleven radiation detectors in California were offline for “repairs” last week. Oh, and now traces of radiation have been detected on the East Coast, on the other side of the world. So who knows? Maybe everyone will die today. Luckily there is already a plan to drain all the oceans and then use the radioactive saltwater to power spaceships to Mars. [BBC] Read more on World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is… Read more on World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is…
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GOP Hack Suggested Using False-Flag Attacks To Discredit WI Unions

Lady Liberty cried quietly in her room with a pint of chocolate ice cream after hearing that an Indiana prosecutor and GOP activist sent USDA certified organic asshole Scott Walker a friendly email, urging him to “employ an associate who pretends to be sympathetic to the unions’ cause to physically attack you (or even use a firearm against you),” so that Walker could “discredit the unions.” Yes, Scott Walker should burn down the state house or maybe even shoot himself in the face and then blame it on the Reds. Hoochie mama! The email’s alleged author, Carlos F. Lam, says that he is the victim of a malicious false flag e-attack, and that he couldn’t have written that email because he was “minivan-shopping with his family when the email was sent.” Recall that Scott Walker actually wanted to carve a backwards U on his forehead and then blame the unions, but he decided against it, too bad. [TPM] Read more on GOP Hack Suggested Using False-Flag Attacks To Discredit WI Unions… Read more on GOP Hack Suggested Using False-Flag Attacks To Discredit WI Unions…
  it's morphin' time!

Nancy Grace Informs Scientist Calif. Will Be Destroyed By Japan Radiation

When your editor was in Japan last week, he was comforted by nuclear experts coming on the CNN International and informing their anchors they were wrong when they said the leaky reactors were going to turn everyone across the country and Pacific Ocean into Giga Pudding. But teevee judge/raging idiot Nancy Grace is not going to just sit there while some “weather science man” tries to tell her audience they aren’t going to explode within the next five minutes. Read more on Nancy Grace Informs Scientist Calif. Will Be Destroyed By Japan Radiation…