Tag Archives: japan

  it's morning in america

Obama Will Prosecute 9/11 Suspects In Kangaroo Court, For Freedom

Yielding to dozens of Surveymonkey petitions, Barack Obama has decided that allowing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his merry 9/11 pranksters to be tried in a “normal” court — you know, where torture-induced confessions are not considered “evidence” — would be inappropriate, and that a sensationalized military kangaroo tribunal with a swift verdict would be much better for his reelection efforts. Anyway, now “justice” will be served? Sure! This is why we need indefinite detention camps, rape prisons and military comedy courts — if we don’t suspend habeas corpus, the terrorists will steal all of our precious freedums. [AP] Read more on Obama Will Prosecute 9/11 Suspects In Kangaroo Court, For Freedom… Read more on Obama Will Prosecute 9/11 Suspects In Kangaroo Court, For Freedom…
  it's morning in america

BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’

Let’s begin with the “funny” news: Transocean awarded its top executives with six figure bonuses, because under their shining leadership the company experienced its “best year in safety performance.” Yes, “safety bonuses” for the executives in charge of the oil rig that exploded and then spilled 200 million gallons of oil into the ocean, killing eleven people, all the baby dolphins and everything else that lives in/near the Gulf. Ha-ha, it’s good to be an executive, and receive bonus-bribes and hookers so that you will never be tempted to cooperate with the authorities — which is very unlikely to begin with, since you have no soul. Anyway! BP has tentative plans to resume drilling in the Gulf, the end. [MSNBC] Read more on BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’… Read more on BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’…
  radioactive flowering trees

A Children’s Treasury of Japanese Tree Flowers

There are many great things that come with the start of spring, like homeless people returning to Dupont Circle, tourists on Segways, free cone day, and Jesus. Of all the obligatory D.C. spring activities, though, there’s nothing more loved than staring at the cherry blossoms, even if those pretty pink blossoms look exactly the same every year. But, since Japan is just awful these days, and because we’re all but one old Brita filter away from radiation poisoning, we thought now is a good time to figure out what exactly cherry blossoms are and how they ended up in the nation’s capital. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Japanese Tree Flowers…
  it's morning in america

Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete

Conditions at the Fukushima Daiichi plant are worsening by the day, and the general consensus seems to be that the plant’s damaged nuclear reactors are beyond repair. Remember when Japan was dumping helicopter-loads of water on the plant, to “cool down” the reactors? Ha-ha, there’s been a slight change of plans. Officials have requested the world’s largest concrete pump, which is being hastily flown from Atlanta, and then they are going to bury the reactors in concrete. Disaster averted! Meanwhile, the workers who are still at the scene have to share radiation-detection devices — meaning often times they have no idea how much radiation they are being exposed to — and they also sleep on the floor, with “only one blanket each to wrap themselves around.” Many of these selfless workers are expected to die. Anyway … Happy April 1st jokes and pranks day! [ABC] Read more on Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete… Read more on Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete…
  it's morning in america

Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska

Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” is already gearing up to dismantle all the unions, forever. But what could make this embarrassing ice colony even more American? Probably a law that would prevent Muslims from honor-killing all the delicate white women, legally, in Alaska court! And hooray, this is exactly what some wingnut state representative wants, and he’s even introduced a bill that would stop “the potential of Islamic religious law — Sharia — from trumping the U.S. Constitution in Alaska courts.” The bill’s author, State Rep. Carl Gatto (R-Obviously), has received hundreds of supportive emails, as well as “phone calls from places like New Zealand, Poland and Israel in support of his bill.” Yes, the Alaska House of Representatives has a mandate from Poland to stop Islamic religious law in Juneau. (What is happening?) In retaliation, a member of the Islamic Community Center of Alaska sent Gatto an email politely asking him to stop being such a dumb asshole … Don’t Tread on Him! [ADN] Read more on Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska… Read more on Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska…
  it's morning in america

World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is

More happy cherry blossom news from Japan! Extremely radioactive water has been discovered outside one of the Fukushima reactors, which means there’s a good chance that radioactive liquid is seeping into Mother Earth right now as we are typing this. Tepco officials reported that radiation levels at Reactor No. 2 were “10 million times higher than normal before correcting that figure to 100,000.” That doesn’t sound fishy at all! (Nothing will ever sound fishy ever again, once all the fish die of radiation poisoning.) And while American Authorities promise that only trivial amounts of radiation have harmlessly trickled over to our continent, and that our precious anus burgers and plasma widescreens are still safe, four of eleven radiation detectors in California were offline for “repairs” last week. Oh, and now traces of radiation have been detected on the East Coast, on the other side of the world. So who knows? Maybe everyone will die today. Luckily there is already a plan to drain all the oceans and then use the radioactive saltwater to power spaceships to Mars. [BBC] Read more on World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is… Read more on World’s Governments Can’t Decide How Radioactive Everything Is…
  it's morning in america

GOP Hack Suggested Using False-Flag Attacks To Discredit WI Unions

Lady Liberty cried quietly in her room with a pint of chocolate ice cream after hearing that an Indiana prosecutor and GOP activist sent USDA certified organic asshole Scott Walker a friendly email, urging him to “employ an associate who pretends to be sympathetic to the unions’ cause to physically attack you (or even use a firearm against you),” so that Walker could “discredit the unions.” Yes, Scott Walker should burn down the state house or maybe even shoot himself in the face and then blame it on the Reds. Hoochie mama! The email’s alleged author, Carlos F. Lam, says that he is the victim of a malicious false flag e-attack, and that he couldn’t have written that email because he was “minivan-shopping with his family when the email was sent.” Recall that Scott Walker actually wanted to carve a backwards U on his forehead and then blame the unions, but he decided against it, too bad. [TPM] Read more on GOP Hack Suggested Using False-Flag Attacks To Discredit WI Unions… Read more on GOP Hack Suggested Using False-Flag Attacks To Discredit WI Unions…
  it's morphin' time!

Nancy Grace Informs Scientist Calif. Will Be Destroyed By Japan Radiation

When your editor was in Japan last week, he was comforted by nuclear experts coming on the CNN International and informing their anchors they were wrong when they said the leaky reactors were going to turn everyone across the country and Pacific Ocean into Giga Pudding. But teevee judge/raging idiot Nancy Grace is not going to just sit there while some “weather science man” tries to tell her audience they aren’t going to explode within the next five minutes. Read more on Nancy Grace Informs Scientist Calif. Will Be Destroyed By Japan Radiation…
  kenyan art reinterpreted

Here’s Your Weird Japanese Obama Stuff

As you know, your editor was in peaceful, relaxing Japan last week for a perfectly-timed vacation. Tokyo was about as normal as one could expect a city to be in such a situation, so we won’t bore you with banal details about what it’s like to now have gills and the ability to shoot laundry detergent out of your eyes. You want to see the weird Obama stuff your editor stumbled upon. Read more on Here’s Your Weird Japanese Obama Stuff…
  everybody wang chung tonight

Oh Yeah, America’s In Another War Somewhere (Libya?)

Sorry we forgot to post about America getting into a war with Muammar Gaddafi again. What with the radiation cloud headed across the Pacific from some melting nuclear hellscape and the air strikes on Gaddafi’s Libya, we can probably be forgiven for thinking, “Eh, it’s just those incredible mushrooms and also that MDMA and probably some peyote from 1986 kicking in, again.” Because the last time our “Reaganesque president” ordered U.S. military action against Libya, it was April 14, 1986. And the last time a distant nuke plant started spewing deadly radioactivity all over the place, it was April 26, 1986. WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SOME NEW DISASTERS, LIKE SPACE ALIEN ATTACKS. Jesus christ, do we have to relive the stupid ’80s forever? Look at this video, just look at it. Read more on Oh Yeah, America’s In Another War Somewhere (Libya?)…
  the continuing crisis

Diplomat In Austria Tells AP Japan Radiation Has Reached California

Here’s the latest episode of the never-ending reality series, Why Nobody Trusts the Government: Everybody on the West Coast is freaking out because the radioactive plume is reaching North America today, from the melting nuclear plants in Japan, and everybody would probably really like some comforting, hourly updates along the lines of “Yep, we’re talking about minuscule, barely detectable levels of radiation that isn’t going to hurt anyone.” Especially after the Obama Administration’s surgeon general said it was a good idea to have Potassium Iodide tablets on hand, and especially with all the “Chernobyl gave thyroid cancer to at least 6,000 kids” historical reports floating around the Internet. Anyway, the radiation detection machinery picked up traces of the Japanese nuke cloud in Sacramento. Read more on Diplomat In Austria Tells AP Japan Radiation Has Reached California…
  not-so-dramatic rescues

U.S. State Dept. Rescuing Americans In Japan (Regular Bus Fare Applies)

The good news (?) is that the State Department has begun rescuing Americans and their families from the quake/tsunami/radiation-battered northeast coast of Japan. The bad news is that the rescue is just a bus to Tokyo, and you’ll need to sign a form promising to pay the bus fare. Still, rescue! And with some 80,000 people in Fukushima Prefecture advised by the Japanese government to clear out because of the little problem with the nuke plant, it is probably a good idea for Americans stuck there to look under the futon for some spare change and head to the bus stop. We’ve got the official communique. Read more on U.S. State Dept. Rescuing Americans In Japan (Regular Bus Fare Applies)…
  it's morning in america

Japan Raises Nuclear Apocalypse Alert Level

Japan raised the nuclear alert level at Fukushima from four to five on a seven-point international scale for atomic incidents, making this nightmare just two “points” away from Chernobyl! (That’s a nice way to imagine it, in “points.” Just like in College Basketball March Madness!) The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency referred to this awful disaster as a “race against the clock,” so that’s comforting. Since this tragedy began last Friday, 6,405 people have been reported dead and approximately 10,200 are still missing. Also, miserable weather and heavy snowfall has basically made Japan the saddest place on Earth. [BBC] Read more on Japan Raises Nuclear Apocalypse Alert Level… Read more on Japan Raises Nuclear Apocalypse Alert Level…
  asleep at the wheel

Obama Making Some Statement About Japan Today, A Week Later

Remember when Barack Obama couldn’t go two hours without a press conference or a speech or an appearance somewhere? Now he just hides in his bunker doing NCAA brackets and sexting the Republicans in Congress, but he will supposedly pop his head of the hole and see his nuclear shadow any second now (he’s 15 minutes late already), and maybe he’ll say he’s “monitoring the situation” and that nobody should worry and just go shopping or whatever. Barack Obama, everybody! Read more on Obama Making Some Statement About Japan Today, A Week Later…
  priorities of zion

Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Distant Nation’s Sushi Supply

Everybody suffers in their own way, okay? Don’t judge! Sometimes when somebody loves a fish in a very special way, that person is unhappy when the fish can’t be shipped from Japan, on the other side of the world. Read more on Nuclear Holocaust May Affect Distant Nation’s Sushi Supply…
  apocalypse news desk

U.S. Evacuating Americans From Tokyo, Death Plume Heads To America

It has been nearly a week now, and the crisis in Japan only seems to be getting more terrible, so it’s time for the world’s religious people to start finding a deity to blame for the devastation in Japan! We long ago figured it was the Irish god, Saint Patrick, because it’s his “Holy Week” — but there are probably other theological opinions, on the the Internet. Let’s do a quick news update about Americans evacuating while we wait for clarity. Read more on U.S. Evacuating Americans From Tokyo, Death Plume Heads To America…
  it's morning in america

SURPRISE: U.S. Wants More Than Just a No-Fly Zone In Libya!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Let’s celebrate by bombing Libya: “The U.S. ambassador to the U.N. raised the possibility of ‘going beyond a no-fly zone,'” but didn’t specify when the United States would save all the oil from oppression — causing major blue balls in diplomatic circles. Remember two days ago when Barack Obama said he would wait and see if the Arab League supported a no-fly zone, before making a decision? Well … they support it now! And that means America has a mandate from Geezus himself to bring Freedom/Halliburton to Libya. It’s just like Eisenhower said it would be, in his fabled “farewell suckaz” address: “This country is ruled by war merchants. Also, in fifty years everyone will be fat and unemployed.” [CNN] Read more on SURPRISE: U.S. Wants More Than Just a No-Fly Zone In Libya!… Read more on SURPRISE: U.S. Wants More Than Just a No-Fly Zone In Libya!…
  duck and cover

Radioactive Plume Begins Hitting U.S. West Coast On Friday (Don’t Worry!)

The LA Times is so full of dumb, offensive, weeks-late stuff that it’s always a shock to get a new, coherent report that seems to reflect the current News Situation: Small amounts of radioactive isotopes from the crippled Japanese nuclear power plant are being blown toward North America high in the atmosphere over the Pacific Ocean and will reach California as soon as Friday, according to experts …. Read more on Radioactive Plume Begins Hitting U.S. West Coast On Friday (Don’t Worry!)…
  the continuing crisis

Stock Markets Plunge Due To Housing, Europe, Arab Revolts, Japan & Probably Space Aliens

Did everybody enjoy the “jobless recovery” of the past two years? Because, uhh …. The American stock markets plunged more than 2% today as everybody freaks out about the dismal housing numbers, the continuing craziness in oil-producing Middle East/North African nations, another round of the European debt crisis and (of course) the nuclear horror show unfolding in Japan, the world’s second-biggest economy. Second or third, we can’t remember if China officially took over that spot before the earthquake. Third! For now …. Anyway, la la la la la. Read more on Stock Markets Plunge Due To Housing, Europe, Arab Revolts, Japan & Probably Space Aliens…
  it's morning in america

Emperor of Japan ‘Deeply Worried’ About Nuclear Crisis

In his first nationally televised address ever, Emperor Akihito — who is 77 and apparently very shy — said he was terribly concerned about the current Nuclear Disaster, and asked for human compassion to help “overcome these difficult times.” Difficult times is a bit of an understatement. Authorities say a containment vessel at the Fukushima plant might be leaking radioactive steam, and a spike in radiation forced workers to abandon emergency cooling efforts at one reactor. Oh, and there’s already a fire at a different reactor, according to the company that operates the plant. Meanwhile, there are 3,600 confirmed deaths since Friday, and more than 7,800 remain missing and unaccounted for. 440,000 people are living in makeshift shelters or evacuation centers. Perhaps a modest donation to the Red Cross might be appropriate, even if you’ve been eating hobo beans and canned anus for the last six months. [NYT] Read more on Emperor of Japan ‘Deeply Worried’ About Nuclear Crisis… Read more on Emperor of Japan ‘Deeply Worried’ About Nuclear Crisis…