Wonkette

* Heard on the Hill: Crazy astronut Lisa Nowak flew on the Discovery with a dude who’s now engaged to Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-Ariz.)… Rep. Julia Carson, from Indianapolis, congratulated the Colts for letting America know that her district is not “all drive-by shootings.” … Rep. Peter King’s cell ringer: “Hot in Herre” by Nelly. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Miss America… One of the lawsuits against Jessica Cutler was thrown out! The one in DC remains. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: MoveOn members target Jim Webb’s office in a phone-bombing campaign. To, uh, thank him for not supporting the war… Bill Maher still makin’ those jokes. Boy oh boy, is he ever… Joe Lieberman: “I’m the Lorax.” We think there are probably a couple other Dr Seuss characters he resembles more. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Ted Kennedy zinged John Boehner at a dinner… Dem staffers stole Rep. Paul Rhodes guitar from his office, brought it to the Dem retreat. Then Hodes and John Hall sang “Still the One.” … Jane Harman skipped the retreat because she hates Nancy Pelosi (j/k they are BFF!). [The Hill]

An anonymous Wonkette Operative (Covert Free Booze Division) attended one of the ten zillion holiday parties going on this week, and was kind enough to send us this report.

Congresswoman Ellen Tauscher and the New Democratic Coalition held their Holiday Party last night at Ellen’s swanky pad (which I’m assuming was paid for with her Wall Street bucks and not her Congressional salary). In an unsurprising development, the place was packed with corporate lobbyists and their hired guns there to pay homage to some of the Democrats who might listen (and to the ones that taken their money).

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• Heard on the Hill: Nancy Pelosi’s sixth grandkid arrived Monday. It’s a boy, named Muqtada al-Pelosi Vos… Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich) is a graduate of Collegehumor.com’s number one party/lazy pot-head school, Michigan State. [Roll Call]
• Reliable Source: BREAKING: Joe Lieberman and wife Hadassah ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY WENT TO BORAT. [WP]
• Examiner: Nancy Pelosi and Jane Harman don’t get along, spend a great deal of time at the Four Seasons. We wait with bated breath for hilarity to ensue… Greta Van Susteren is a moronic sycophant, but you knew that. [Examiner]
• Under the Dome: Senator-elect Sherrod Brown’s wife Connie Schultz will resume her newspaper column and write a book about the race… Loretta Sanchez’ much-anticipated Christmas card is coming soon… Immigrant-hater Mike Pence Mark Souder hired Indian telemarketers to phone for him, then complained about their cuh-raazy accents mangling his xenophobic message. [The Hill]

11:41 — DeWine reminds us of a suburban bank branch manager. He talks kinda like Jimmy Stewart, though. He is reading his History Day presentation on “The CIA.”

“Do you agree that we need to be more creative and risk-taking?” Oy, this is bullshit.

“The culture of the Agency was such that this baby will be strangled in the crib.” We forgot what he’s talking about, but that’s a really creepy metaphor.

The Jimmy Stewart thing is bugging us. “In th-th-that light, lemme ask you a question… uhhhhh…. ehhhh…. Ah-ah-ah… are you gonna shut down the Savings and Loan?”

We’ve considered turning this off and putting in The Philadelphia Story.

11:32 — Levin: Will you be nice to detainees? How bout that Geneva Convention?
Hayden: Uh… not really.
Levin: Convention against torture?
Hayden: Detainee Treatment Act.
Levin: Yeah, but that’s for the DoD. Not the CIA.
Hayden: So it is, yes.
Levin: Well, my time’s up.

11:29 — Hayden: “I was uncomfortable.” W/ DoD’s personal intelligence analysis study group and their Al-Qaeda-Iraq link. Which leads to “I got three great kids.”

Holy shit he just threatened to build up a dossier on his KIDS! HE WILL PROVE CONCLUSIVELY A HAYDEN’S KIDS-SADDAM HUSSEIN LINK.

Levin: Will you describe the difference between the bad way to do things and the way you will do things? Hayden: “18 years of Catholic education, I know a lot about deductive reasoning.”

“What happens when induction meets deduction, Senator?” Two great tastes that taste great together.

Levin: Did you have a disagreement with the Defense Secretary? By the way, you’re wearing a uniform.
Hayden: DoD put my testimony on their website. NSA didn’t. “My solution was something like the founding fathers’.” Own slaves, shoot English people, fight Indians. Right?

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By ANA MARIE COX

This Week’s Sunday spew lacks a taste of Greece: The Brylcreemed smoothness of Washington’s Hellenic homeboy, George Stephanopoulus, was pre-empted locally for emergency snow coverage. Because people in Washington are pussies.

We are thus unable to verify Condoleezza Rice’s landing of a Half-Ginsburg, but she was scheduled to go on both “This Week” and “Face the Nation.” She told “This Week” that the Danish cartoon protests “could spin out of control,” which we would never have guessed. Also, apparently Joe Biden was on, which is like missing Haley’s comet. If Haley’s comet came every weekend. We regret the loss.

Full rundown and highlights after the jump.

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* House Republicans will issue 600-plus-page report on Wednesday that harshly criticizes all aspects of the government’s response to Katrina: “It was a failure of leadership. In this instance, blinding lack of situational awareness and disjointed decision making needlessly compounded and prolonged Katrina’s horror.” [WP, NYT]
* Cheney accidentally shoots companion during hunting trip in Texas. Mary Matalin: “He felt badly, obviously. On the other hand, he was not careless or incautious or violate any of the [rules]. He didn’t do anything he wasn’t supposed to do.” [WP, NYT, USAT, WT]
* Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif.) and Tom Daschle believe eavesdropping is necessary but doubt Bush has the legal authority. [WP, LAT]
* Dean says Cheney should resign if he was involved in the leaking of Valerie Plame’s identity. [NYT, WT]

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Throughout the day, we’ve delivered celebrity sightings of Bob Novak, that human-animal hybrid; more Supreme Court justices than you can shake a stick at; and the man that everyone’s talking about, Jack Abramoff.

Now we bring you an added bonus: a sighting of a possible future POTUS, Senator John McCain!

Sitting in National, waiting to catch the shuttle flight to NYC, when McCain sits down in front of me. Multiple people keep coming up to him to talk. A woman in her mid 50’s comes up and says, “Why, Senator McCain, you are so much better
looking in person!” McCain says thank you.

As she leaves, I lean in and say, “Senator, I know how hard it is to be so devilishly good looking.” McCain starts cracking up, and I continue by saying, “I’m glad that worked — it was that or a Jack Abramoff
joke!”

The laughing stops; McCain proceeds to raise his paper over his face. I get up and walk away.

Good stuff! And the fun’s not over yet. Go the jump page — click on that pointing finger — for sightings of such boldface names as Susan Collins, Tony Williams, Mark Warner, Karl Rove, Joe Lockhart, Paul Begala, Bill Frist, and many more!

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* Reliable Source: Bush holds public reenactment of Alito’s private swearing in. . . Rep. Jim Moran’s (D-Va.) cell phone rang during the State of the Union. . . Hastert, Specter, Harman had dinner at the Charlie Palmer Steakhouse before the SOTU. . . Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine appears with Sam Donaldson. [WP]
* Under the Dome: Sen. McCain (R-Ariz.) has a cameo in “24″ on Monday night. . . Sens. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) and Byron Dorgan (D-N.D.) and Reps. Eric Cantor (R-Va.) and George Miller (D-Calif.) viewed the State of the Union from “undisclosed locations” for security reasons. . . Home of Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga.) was vandalized with video tape while she was away at Sundance celebrating the release of a film about her life. . . Linda Douglass of ABC News is joining NYU as a senior fellow. . . Rep. John Kline (R-Minn.) has had enough with Democratic opponent Colleen Rowley. [The Hill]
* Inside the Beltway: Joint Chiefs of Staff complains to the Washington Post about cartoonist Tom Toles‘ depiction of wounded troops. [WT]
* Liz Smith: Bush jokes about seeing “Brokeback Mountain” with Cheney. [NYP]
* Cindy Adams: Web of Jack Abramoff’s influence may only reach the wives and grown children of implicated lawmakers. . . George Pataki makes his fifth trip to Iowa next month. [NYP]
* Rush & Molloy: Alec Baldwin, Meryl Streep are losing faith in Democrats. [NYDN]

• Bush will make aggressive attempts to frame secret NSA activities as a political asset at events this week; the “next few days could prove critical” for both sides. Scott McClellan: “We are stepping up our efforts to educate the American people about this vital tool in the war on terrorism.” [NYT, USAT]
• Justice Department is accused of conservative bias in voting-rights cases. [WP]
• In 2005, Democrats “were more unified than at any time in the past half century”; observers credit Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.). [LAT]
• Republicans now expect 55-45 vote for Samuel Alito. [WP]
• Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) and Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif.) criticize eavesdropping program. Kerry: “We’re prepared to eavesdrop wherever and whenever necessary in order to make America safer. But we need to put a procedure in place to protect the constitutional rights of Americans.” [WT, WP]

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• Bush will turn over $6,000 he received through Jack Abramoff to the American Heart Association; other lawmakers are also donating or returning related funds. [WP, NYT, LAT]
• NSA whistle-blower: “I intend to report to Congress probable unlawful and unconstitutional acts conducted while I was an intelligence officer with the National Security Agency and with the Defense Intelligence Agency.” [WT]
• Liberal advocacy groups attack Samuel Alito’s character and credibility in new ad campaign; White House flack belittles move as “a desperation tactic.” The American Bar Association praises Alito with its highest rating. [NYT, LAT]
• Cheney suggests that secret eavesdropping could have prevented 9/11: “We didn’t know they were here plotting until it was too late.” [WP]
• Jack Abramoff pleads guilty in Florida, setting the stage to be a key government witness. [WP, USAT]
• Abramoff scandal may only change the dynamics of ‘06 if Democrats can successfully argue that Republicans espouse a “culture of corruption.” [LAT]

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