Here we have excerpted the traditional “red meat” portion of a Barack Obama press conference, in which we hear from all three network news correspondents, consecutively. Why does Obama cave to John McCain and Lindsey Graham and hate Iranian people and lie about other things such as health and money care? Health care and money? Health care and money care and Iran and John McCain and queers? MORE »

Yes, there is a consensus, so it must be true. But who is to BLAME, Tapper? [Twitter via The Awl]

It doesn’t matter whether the National Zoo’s panda’s uterus is half full or half empty—the important thing is how you look at it. [DCist] MORE »

Here is your Robert Gibbs trying to explain to the gotcha media that when Joe Biden said “Anyone in America who goes into any sort of enclosed space will die like hotcakes,” he really meant, “God bless the troops,” because nobody messes with that Joe. (?). This does not satisfy America’s top newsman, Jake Tapper, and everyone laughs at nothing. [Ben Smith]

We were going to give our recap of Barack Obama’s sexy party for mayors today based on this Jake Tapper article, but how lame would that be brosef? “Articles” are for your GRANDFATHER, right, so we’re checking Jake Tapper’s Twitter instead, cuz maybe we’re rad like that? Eh. Mid-major city mayors tend to be too blunt for national politicians, so this event appears to have been somewhat vulgar. Ha ha, they all wanted Ray Nagin to say something, because they knew it would be inappropriate, and it was. [ABC News, Twitter]

Here’s America’s favorite traveling Bob Saget impersonator, ABC News’ Jake Tapper, sort of… yeah… destroying Robert Gibbs with relative ease. Gibbs ends Tapper’s time by ignoring his question, ha. Was “Gibbsy” really the best choice for this job, hmm? Guess we won’t be seeing these two together at the Hawk ‘n’ Dove anymore. [YouTube]

Your Wonkette despises leaving the house, ever, except for such things as food, but even that can frequently come in the form of home delivery these days, what with the Internet and all. But it is Holiday season, alas, and we feel obligated to cover DC’s many terrible holiday parties! Last night, your Wonkette, along with visiting college friend operative “Stephen,” went to two (2) parties that had absolutely nothing to do with The Holidays. The first was a “send-off to the White House” shindig at the Hawk and Dove for Obama’s fierce new press secretary, Robert Gibbs! This was almost certainly a “party crash;” we had absolutely no business being there. The second was a 40th anniversary party or something for libertarian deathrag Reason, which was just a bunch of drunk Cato Institute staffers from Norway getting belligerent at a filthy bar in Dupont. Endless tales of treachery and violence follow. MORE »

In the tank ABC reporter Jake Tapper has spoken to a purportedly “well-respected” tax attorney who believes that Sarah Palin will have to declare that $150,000 worth of fancy convention clothes as income, because her excuse that they were “borrowed” from the RNC is kind of, well, wrong. MORE »

• OH DON’T MIND US, LADIES: Hey Matt Jaffe and Rick Klein of ABC “News,” did we st-st-stutter when we wrote this story like a million years ago with “Must Credit Wonkette And Its Tipster, ‘John’” in the headline? No, and now “John” is sobbing, probably. JAKE TAPPER would’ve credited us because HE’S THE MAN and ADORABLE. [ABC "Lose"]

ABC News Senior National Correspondent Jake Tapper was on to Barack Obama’s resurgent smoking habit months ago, but the Obama campaign covered for the ever-more-desperate candidate as he wove a web of deception that eventually ensnared the nation in cancer and betrayal. Way back in August Obama was wandering around the Capitol reeking of smoke, and what did Obama’s people say when Concerned Jake asked about it? MORE »

Congratulations to ABC’s square-jawed Jake Tapper, who, despite his on-going hostage crisis, has snared himself a wife, and an item in the prestigious New York Times “Vows” section. Tapper married Jen Brown of Planned Parenthood, thus justifying any and all claims of liberal bias in ABC’s reporting. Jen’s “father owns and operates US 1 Dollar, an independent general merchandise store in Lenexa, Kan.,” a sentence we are pretty sure has never appeared in the Vows section before this weekend. Good luck, you crazy kids! And send us some wedding pictures, we couldn’t make it out to Kansas City. MORE »