Tag Archives: jail

  Dying While Black

Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?

Yeah, marijuana use is clearly the important part of this story.
Looks like there’s been another mysterious death of a black suspect in police custody, this time in Waller County, Texas, where 28-year-old Sandra Bland was found dead Monday after being arrested following a traffic stop last Friday. Bland was being held for allegedly kicking the Texas Highway Patrolman who pulled her over for failing to signal a lane change; Waller County Sheriff Glenn Smith said that Bland was found hanging in her cell at 9:00 a.m. Monday, about an hour after asking staff by intercom if she could make a phone call. She had last been observed by jail staff at 7:00 a.m. when she was given breakfast. An autopsy performed by the Harris County Institute of Forensic Sciences in Houston ruled her death a suicide by hanging. Bland was being held on $5000 bail, but friends said she was preparing to pay the bail Monday. Sheriff Smith certainly seemed all broken up about Bland’s death, saying in words that do not sound the least bit well-rehearsed, “Any time somebody dies, it’s a tragic deal … That’s exactly what this appeared to be.” Read more on Why Do Black People Keep Killing Themselves When They Get Arrested?…
  Repeat Offender

Mean Judge Makes Felon Dinesh D’Souza Clean All The Freeways With Lindsay Lohan

OG
Felonious crimer thug Dinesh D’Souza has been out of the pokey for all of a month, and he’s already in trouble again. On Monday, federal judge Richard Berman (we love him) explained to D’Souza’s dumb ass and his dumbass attorney that D’Souza is not done paying his debt to society for his law-breaking. Not even close: Read more on Mean Judge Makes Felon Dinesh D’Souza Clean All The Freeways With Lindsay Lohan…
  D'Felon D'Freed

Hardened Criminal Dinesh D’Souza Finally Freed From Maximum Security Sleep-Away Camp

He calls this his 'hoodlum chic' look. Really.
Convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza is free at last, FREE AT LAST! from his eight-month sentence of being held in “overnight captivity” in a “community confinement center.” D’Souza, as we all know because of how he has been on TV and radio shows every five minutes to talk about it, was sent to the San Diego gulag by Barack Obama himself, in an attempt to silence D’Souza from criticizing the Obama administration, aka, making illegal campaign donations, in violation of federal elections law, because THAT’S HOW MUCH HE LOVES AMERICA. Read more on Hardened Criminal Dinesh D’Souza Finally Freed From Maximum Security Sleep-Away Camp…
  Jail's not out for summer

Mean Judge Won’t Let Felon Dinesh D’Souza Have Summer Vacay From Prison, UNFAIR!

Prison life is rough
Dinesh D’Souza — felon, adulterer, racist, and so of course, also conservative hero — is being SILENCED! and OPPRESSED! once more. Not by President Ghetto this time, at least not directly, but by judicial activist Richard Berman: Read more on Mean Judge Won’t Let Felon Dinesh D’Souza Have Summer Vacay From Prison, UNFAIR!…
  Florida Man's really done it this time

Let’s All Have Sex On The Beach, And Then Go To Prison Forever!

If this is a crime, then we're guilty!
Welcome to sunny Florida, NO FUCKING ALLOWED, at least not on the beach. Seems Florida Man has gone and gotten himself into trouble again, and he may do 15 years in the slammer, because he was so overcome by the romance of the waves and the long walks on the beach — you know, OKCupid stuff — that he popped wood and simply had to sex up his lady-friend right then and there. Meet Jose Caballero and Elissa Alvarez, convicted beach-boners, who are both off to jail, and who will now have to sign up for that sex offender newsletter everybody keeps talking about: Read more on Let’s All Have Sex On The Beach, And Then Go To Prison Forever!…
  There's always room for him at the Y-M-C-A

Congress-Model Aaron Schock Comes Out … Of Congress

Last tango in Washington!
BREAKING NEWS UPDATE! Aaron Schock, our beloved globetrotting Republican congressdarling from Illinois, the one what’s had all the ethics violations doggie-styling him for the last couple of months, is resigning his seat to spend more time posting hawt pictures on Instagram: Read more on Congress-Model Aaron Schock Comes Out … Of Congress…
  Baking soda has so many uses!

Idiot Nevada Rep Lady Will Wash That Cancer Right Outta Your Hair

We have absolutely no patience for dumb people who have special braindead ideas about how to cure cancer or AIDS or stubbed toes or anything else, so let us throw to the wolves (YOU, rabid Wonkette commenters!) Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, because she is a dumb dick, if there ever was a template for “dumb dick,” like if Mavis Beacon was trying to teach you how to type “dumb dick,” it would involve typing the letters of Fiore’s name over and over until you get it right, KEEP PRACTICING, YOU WILL GET IT: Read more on Idiot Nevada Rep Lady Will Wash That Cancer Right Outta Your Hair…
  he may feel a little discomfort

Rick Perry Appointee Jailed For Being A Creep

As a person who just got a broken molar fixed (just fine, thanks!), Yr Doktor Zoom is especially alert to the word “dentist” in news stories at the moment. And so our eyes opened up at this story from the Great State of Texas: A Central Texas dentist has been sentenced to 21 days in prison for taping a female employee changing in the office bathroom. Sixty-seven-year-old William Birdwell pleaded guilty Thursday in Bryan to improper visual recording. OK, eww. So maybe he knows dentistry, but apparently he’s also just creepy as all hell. There’s also a semi-political connection, since in 2009, Gov. Rick Perry appointed Birdwell to the Texas Board of Dental Examiners; he resigned that position when he was arrested back in May. Maybe that’s why Rick Perry was so frowny! Read more on Rick Perry Appointee Jailed For Being A Creep…
  they report we deride

Dinesh D’Souza Tells Megyn Kelley He’s Pretty Certain America Molested Barack Obama

Watch the latest video at <a href=”http://video.foxnews.com”>video.foxnews.com</a>Dinesh D’Souza, regrettably, does not seem to have yet gone to prison for his guilty plea on that whole campaign finance donation lying thing. We know this because he showed up on Megyn Kelly’s “The Kelly File” on FoxNews Monday night, and made such a fool of himself that even Megyn Kelly seemed amused and bemused by the whole thing, which is saying something. Read more on Dinesh D’Souza Tells Megyn Kelley He’s Pretty Certain America Molested Barack Obama…
  its like 10000 spoons when all you need is a bong

McGruff The Crime Dog Likes To Get Hiiiiigh

According to CBS Houston, “McGruff The Crime Dog Actor Sentenced To 16 Years For Pot, Grenade Launcher.” At first, we thought it was a Pot Grenade Launcher, which we hoped would be like one of those cool launchers they use at sportsball games to shoot free tee shirts into the crowd, except this would be used to shoot marihuana, and we wanted to order one million of them. But then we saw the appropriately placed comma, and had our dreams crushed and hopes denied. Damn you, grammar. Still, let’s sexplore the tragic comedy of the McGruff anti-crime guy being arrested for lots of crimes.  Read more on McGruff The Crime Dog Likes To Get Hiiiiigh…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of “gay culture,” the only thing really going on among gay people is constant promiscuous sex and porn. He has even discovered the perfect metaphor to explain this indisputable science fact: When he was a grad student in Austin, he went to Lobo’s, a “gay” bookstore that had “gay” fiction and poetry, “gay” memoirs, and books about the “gay rights” movement in the front of the store (happily, he mostly gives up the scare quotes after the first couple paragraphs), but the back of the store, in “a section not visible from the street” was where the real money got made, because that’s where all the porn was. And all that stuff in the front was just a façade, but a vital façade (metaphor time here!): Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth

Hi, Wonkaloonies! Yr Doktor Zoom really enjoyed “sleeping in” this week! But we are back from vacation now, and ready for another Derp Roundup, our weekly Sloppy Joe of news trimmings that were too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite enough to make a full post out of. We have to use ’em before they start to turn. Verily, this is the Arby-Q of Wonket posts. We’ll start off with the tale of Petr Pavlensky, a Russian “conceptual artist” who won’t be conceiving anything for a little while now, since he went and nailed his nutsack to the cobbles of Red Square to protest…um… well, we thought it was to protest the imprisonment of Pussy Riot, but no, for that, he sewed his mouth shut. This time he sat down in front of Lenin’s Mausoleum and pounded a large nail through his scrotum into the pavement. Pavlensky explained in a post-arrest statement that the nut-nailing “can be seen as a metaphor for the apathy, political indifference and fatalism of contemporary Russian society.” It’s nice when you’re able to combine your hobbies with your activism. Gawker notes that police used “a claw hammer” to bring the protest to an abrupt end (yes, we just felt several hundred of you wince). Efficient, but wouldn’t poetic justice have been better served with a ball peen hammer? Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth…
  my aim is true

Washington Man Shooting Pot Arrows At Jail Was Just Trying To Get The Squirrels Hiiiiiiigh

There’s no gunshots or stripper poles, and sadly no alligators guarding a stash, but this story from Washington nonetheless warms the cockles of Yr Wonkette’s cruel dark heart: A Bellingham man wrapped a baggie of marijuana around an arrow and fired it at the second-floor recreation area of Whatcom County Jail on Tuesday morning, Aug. 27, according to the sheriff’s office. David Wayne Jordan, 36, later claimed he had been aiming at a squirrel. “He had no explanation as to why squirrel hunting requires attaching marijuana to an arrow,” said Whatcom County Sheriff Bill Elfo. Is there anything about this story that is not perfect? Marijuana arrow, insane explanation — squirrel!! — Whatcom County, a suspect whose middle name is Wayne, and “Sheriff Bill Elfo,” who we suspect may be from The Shire. Fuck it, we are DONE for the day. Read more on Washington Man Shooting Pot Arrows At Jail Was Just Trying To Get The Squirrels Hiiiiiiigh…
  C-i-l-l my landlord

Arkansas Will Not Be Squatted In!

Come, gather round ye heathens and lets us learn a little something today about Arkansas, shall we? Shut up, it won’t kill you, it’s not Texas. Okay, what do we know about this fair state? It brought us Wal-Mart, so that sucks. Then there’s all the Duggars and counting, gross. Also, Bill Clinton was its governor and Hillary cried the first time she ever saw it after she found out she was moving there. It is also one of the top 10 fattest states with a 30 percent obesity rate, ranks 45th in education, and is the third-poorest state in the nation. But wait, there’s more! They are number 1 in one thing – well, the only one actually. Arkansas is the one and only state in the nation with a law that says you can be put in jail for not paying your rent! Yes sir, it’s three hots and a cot time for you there, squatter, if you don’t skee-daddle within the 10 days your landlord has given you to vacate. Read more on Arkansas Will Not Be Squatted In!…
  prison state

California’s Gazillion Prisoners Also Rioting

California, “the industrial prison state,” has a tremendous number of people locked up in state, county and privately-operated hellholes, the only growth industry in the doomed state. And the prisoners are rioting, statewide. Tens of thousands of them, rioting against their low-paid peers in security guard outfits, rioting against starvation diets of inedible swill and decades of “solitary confinement” and overcrowding and misery. Why, if they ever figure out that they can easily overpower all those donut-belly guards and lose maybe 10% of the escapees to the police state’s machine guns in the resulting mass breakout, things could get weird: Read more on California’s Gazillion Prisoners Also Rioting…
  justice report

UPDATE: South Carolina Sheriff Thrown In Jail After Issuing TRUCK NUTZ Fine

INSTANT COMEUPPANCE, BIYOTCHES. The killjoy police chief who fined a 65-year-old woman for hanging red Truck Nutz off her pickup truck turns out to be a bit of a “Joe Walsh” himself. He was tossed into the clink for owing $15,000 in back child support payments that he hadn’t paid since 2006. Is it sheer coincidence that he was finally arrested mere days after he decided to hunt down Truck Nutz? TRUCK NUTZ 1 POLICE 0. Read more on UPDATE: South Carolina Sheriff Thrown In Jail After Issuing TRUCK NUTZ Fine…