Tag Archives: jail

  There's always room for him at the Y-M-C-A

Congress-Model Aaron Schock Comes Out … Of Congress

Last tango in Washington!
BREAKING NEWS UPDATE! Aaron Schock, our beloved globetrotting Republican congressdarling from Illinois, the one what’s had all the ethics violations doggie-styling him for the last couple of months, is resigning his seat to spend more time posting hawt pictures on Instagram: Read more on Congress-Model Aaron Schock Comes Out … Of Congress…
  Baking soda has so many uses!

Idiot Nevada Rep Lady Will Wash That Cancer Right Outta Your Hair

We have absolutely no patience for dumb people who have special braindead ideas about how to cure cancer or AIDS or stubbed toes or anything else, so let us throw to the wolves (YOU, rabid Wonkette commenters!) Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, because she is a dumb dick, if there ever was a template for “dumb dick,” like if Mavis Beacon was trying to teach you how to type “dumb dick,” it would involve typing the letters of Fiore’s name over and over until you get it right, KEEP PRACTICING, YOU WILL GET IT: Read more on Idiot Nevada Rep Lady Will Wash That Cancer Right Outta Your Hair…
  he may feel a little discomfort

Rick Perry Appointee Jailed For Being A Creep

As a person who just got a broken molar fixed (just fine, thanks!), Yr Doktor Zoom is especially alert to the word “dentist” in news stories at the moment. And so our eyes opened up at this story from the Great State of Texas: A Central Texas dentist has been sentenced to 21 days in prison for taping a female employee changing in the office bathroom. Sixty-seven-year-old William Birdwell pleaded guilty Thursday in Bryan to improper visual recording. OK, eww. So maybe he knows dentistry, but apparently he’s also just creepy as all hell. There’s also a semi-political connection, since in 2009, Gov. Rick Perry appointed Birdwell to the Texas Board of Dental Examiners; he resigned that position when he was arrested back in May. Maybe that’s why Rick Perry was so frowny! Read more on Rick Perry Appointee Jailed For Being A Creep…
  they report we deride

Dinesh D’Souza Tells Megyn Kelley He’s Pretty Certain America Molested Barack Obama

Watch the latest video at <a href=”http://video.foxnews.com”>video.foxnews.com</a>Dinesh D’Souza, regrettably, does not seem to have yet gone to prison for his guilty plea on that whole campaign finance donation lying thing. We know this because he showed up on Megyn Kelly’s “The Kelly File” on FoxNews Monday night, and made such a fool of himself that even Megyn Kelly seemed amused and bemused by the whole thing, which is saying something. Read more on Dinesh D’Souza Tells Megyn Kelley He’s Pretty Certain America Molested Barack Obama…
  its like 10000 spoons when all you need is a bong

McGruff The Crime Dog Likes To Get Hiiiiigh

According to CBS Houston, “McGruff The Crime Dog Actor Sentenced To 16 Years For Pot, Grenade Launcher.” At first, we thought it was a Pot Grenade Launcher, which we hoped would be like one of those cool launchers they use at sportsball games to shoot free tee shirts into the crowd, except this would be used to shoot marihuana, and we wanted to order one million of them. But then we saw the appropriately placed comma, and had our dreams crushed and hopes denied. Damn you, grammar. Still, let’s sexplore the tragic comedy of the McGruff anti-crime guy being arrested for lots of crimes.  Read more on McGruff The Crime Dog Likes To Get Hiiiiigh…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of “gay culture,” the only thing really going on among gay people is constant promiscuous sex and porn. He has even discovered the perfect metaphor to explain this indisputable science fact: When he was a grad student in Austin, he went to Lobo’s, a “gay” bookstore that had “gay” fiction and poetry, “gay” memoirs, and books about the “gay rights” movement in the front of the store (happily, he mostly gives up the scare quotes after the first couple paragraphs), but the back of the store, in “a section not visible from the street” was where the real money got made, because that’s where all the porn was. And all that stuff in the front was just a façade, but a vital façade (metaphor time here!): Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth

Hi, Wonkaloonies! Yr Doktor Zoom really enjoyed “sleeping in” this week! But we are back from vacation now, and ready for another Derp Roundup, our weekly Sloppy Joe of news trimmings that were too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite enough to make a full post out of. We have to use ‘em before they start to turn. Verily, this is the Arby-Q of Wonket posts. We’ll start off with the tale of Petr Pavlensky, a Russian “conceptual artist” who won’t be conceiving anything for a little while now, since he went and nailed his nutsack to the cobbles of Red Square to protest…um… well, we thought it was to protest the imprisonment of Pussy Riot, but no, for that, he sewed his mouth shut. This time he sat down in front of Lenin’s Mausoleum and pounded a large nail through his scrotum into the pavement. Pavlensky explained in a post-arrest statement that the nut-nailing “can be seen as a metaphor for the apathy, political indifference and fatalism of contemporary Russian society.” It’s nice when you’re able to combine your hobbies with your activism. Gawker notes that police used “a claw hammer” to bring the protest to an abrupt end (yes, we just felt several hundred of you wince). Efficient, but wouldn’t poetic justice have been better served with a ball peen hammer? Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth…
  my aim is true

Washington Man Shooting Pot Arrows At Jail Was Just Trying To Get The Squirrels Hiiiiiiigh

There’s no gunshots or stripper poles, and sadly no alligators guarding a stash, but this story from Washington nonetheless warms the cockles of Yr Wonkette’s cruel dark heart: A Bellingham man wrapped a baggie of marijuana around an arrow and fired it at the second-floor recreation area of Whatcom County Jail on Tuesday morning, Aug. 27, according to the sheriff’s office. David Wayne Jordan, 36, later claimed he had been aiming at a squirrel. “He had no explanation as to why squirrel hunting requires attaching marijuana to an arrow,” said Whatcom County Sheriff Bill Elfo. Is there anything about this story that is not perfect? Marijuana arrow, insane explanation – squirrel!! – Whatcom County, a suspect whose middle name is Wayne, and “Sheriff Bill Elfo,” who we suspect may be from The Shire. Fuck it, we are DONE for the day. Read more on Washington Man Shooting Pot Arrows At Jail Was Just Trying To Get The Squirrels Hiiiiiiigh…
  C-i-l-l my landlord

Arkansas Will Not Be Squatted In!

Come, gather round ye heathens and lets us learn a little something today about Arkansas, shall we? Shut up, it won’t kill you, it’s not Texas. Okay, what do we know about this fair state? It brought us Wal-Mart, so that sucks. Then there’s all the Duggars and counting, gross. Also, Bill Clinton was its governor and Hillary cried the first time she ever saw it after she found out she was moving there. It is also one of the top 10 fattest states with a 30 percent obesity rate, ranks 45th in education, and is the third-poorest state in the nation. But wait, there’s more! They are number 1 in one thing – well, the only one actually. Arkansas is the one and only state in the nation with a law that says you can be put in jail for not paying your rent! Yes sir, it’s three hots and a cot time for you there, squatter, if you don’t skee-daddle within the 10 days your landlord has given you to vacate. Read more on Arkansas Will Not Be Squatted In!…
  prison state

California’s Gazillion Prisoners Also Rioting

California, “the industrial prison state,” has a tremendous number of people locked up in state, county and privately-operated hellholes, the only growth industry in the doomed state. And the prisoners are rioting, statewide. Tens of thousands of them, rioting against their low-paid peers in security guard outfits, rioting against starvation diets of inedible swill and decades of “solitary confinement” and overcrowding and misery. Why, if they ever figure out that they can easily overpower all those donut-belly guards and lose maybe 10% of the escapees to the police state’s machine guns in the resulting mass breakout, things could get weird: Read more on California’s Gazillion Prisoners Also Rioting…
  justice report

UPDATE: South Carolina Sheriff Thrown In Jail After Issuing TRUCK NUTZ Fine

INSTANT COMEUPPANCE, BIYOTCHES. The killjoy police chief who fined a 65-year-old woman for hanging red Truck Nutz off her pickup truck turns out to be a bit of a “Joe Walsh” himself. He was tossed into the clink for owing $15,000 in back child support payments that he hadn’t paid since 2006. Is it sheer coincidence that he was finally arrested mere days after he decided to hunt down Truck Nutz? TRUCK NUTZ 1 POLICE 0. Read more on UPDATE: South Carolina Sheriff Thrown In Jail After Issuing TRUCK NUTZ Fine…
  mexicans are still violent monsters though!

Record Deportations Result In Victory For Traffic Safety

One would think that Barack Obama, illegal Kenyan anchor baby that he is, would have special place in his heart for all the other people who live in this country even though they are not allowed. WRONG! “The Obama administration deported nearly 400,000 people last year – a record – with the number driven up by those tossed out for traffic violations and drunken driving, according to a report on Friday.” Barack Obama loves deporting all the Mexicans, especially the ones who drive around with sinister thoughts and broken headlights. Read more on Record Deportations Result In Victory For Traffic Safety…
  post-racial america

Black Man Arrested, Fired From Job For Trying To Cash Large Check

Post-apocalyptic America has a few rules still, like “stay out of trailer parks at night,” and “personal mobility scooters are hilarious, in every context.” Did we have to say that? NO, on to the real issue: America also has some very awful rules, like “automatically assume a black man walking into a bank with a check probably stole it.” Ikenna Njoku is a black man who walked into his Chase bank to cash a check for $8,463 that Chase itself sent him as part of a tax rebate for being a first time home buyer. But per the rule, the teller found it suspicious the he was not poor or unemployed, and also black. Read more on Black Man Arrested, Fired From Job For Trying To Cash Large Check…
  shootin' homewreckers

Sketchy Private Security Force Becoming Sketchier By The Minute

TPM has been all over that story about the terrifying private security company that secretly bought a fancy public jail from a Montana town, so as to convert it into a War Facility. The head of the company is such a dirty criminal that the best title anyone can give him is “California-based grifter.” And here, TPM has created a slideshow of screen shots from the American Police Force’s website, which doesn’t seem to work as well as it used to. The whole thing is hilarious. Lots of special-ops services, with guns! Try to remember the stupidest creep from your middle school class — he probably works here now. [TPM] Read more on Sketchy Private Security Force Becoming Sketchier By The Minute…
  metro section

Prison’s Semite-Centric Makeover!

Get ready, it’s Cherry Blossom time! Starting tomorrow all the out-of-towners you just had to accommodate, in January, will suddenly take an interest in visiting again. [DCist] Read more on Prison’s Semite-Centric Makeover!… Read more on Prison’s Semite-Centric Makeover!…
  that guy

Kwame Kilpatrick Released From Jail, Makes Bee-Line To Benz Chili Bowl

Sometimes comical ex-Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, was released from Detroit prison after 99 days of memorable anal sex (and a possible conversion to Muslin!) He was picked up by a private driver (remember to pay taxes on that!) and emerged to the screams of a full dozen insane “fans.” He remains on probation, duh, but this will not deter him from fulfilling the American dream: homesteading, and starting anew, in the West. Hooray for the “safety valve” theory of American expansion! Now let’s all go shoot people hmm? Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Released From Jail, Makes Bee-Line To Benz Chili Bowl…
  kilpatrick watch

Kwame Kilpatrick Goes To Jail

The mayor of Detroit keeps getting into comical scrapes, which is great because any time the Detroit Free Press needs to fill its news hole they just look out the window and see what kind of buffoonery Kwame Kilpatrick is engaged in at that hour of the day. In our latest installment, the judge presiding over the mayor’s EIGHT FELONY CASES tells him to go to jail after he visits Canada. Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Goes To Jail…
  losers

HA HA, THAT LARRY GUY’S IN JAIL NOW: So that career criminal who somehow rented (with John McCain’s American Express?) the Holeman Lounge (ha ha, “holeman”) at the National Press Club today, to give a “press conference” about how he dreams of having gay drug murder sex with famous presidents such as Barack Obama, was arrested by the Police for various petty outstanding crimes against humanity, right after his pathetic performance, the end. [Reason] Read more on …
 

Remember, Remember The First Perv of Blowvember?

Former South Dakota legislator Ted Klaudt was convicted in Blowvember for sexually abusing his foster daughters while telling them his was examining them for their suitability as egg donors. Ted, by the way, isn’t a doctor. He was sentenced yesterday to 44 years in prison and won’t be eligible to apply for parole for until 2030. Ted’s lawyer had argued for a lesser sentence because a 50 year-old, 600 pound man is likely to die in prison, but, really, that’s a fate that Ted could’ve prevented by NOT RAPING HIS FOSTER DAUGHTERS so the judge and I and probably most of the rest of the world don’t really give a shit. Enjoy prison, short eyes. [Fox News] Read more on Remember, Remember The First Perv of Blowvember?…
 

Marion Barry Somehow Not Arrested For Driving Drunk This Time

America’s Mayor ™ was arrested again on Saturday, but he miraculously avoided the usual DUI or drug charges. This is what they call a “Christmas Miracle.” But considering the circumstances of his latest arrest by the federal police who seem to do little more than haul him (and Patrick Kennedy) off to jail every few weeks, we can say with almost complete pretend certainty that he was high as a kite, on marijuana. Why? He was driving too slow. Read more on Marion Barry Somehow Not Arrested For Driving Drunk This Time…