Wonkette

* Jack Cafferty thinks Alberto Gonzalez is a “weasel.” Don’t ask him what he thinks about Wolf. [C&L]
* Jon Kyl is going on a legislation-blocking rampage because he’s just so tired of “Walnuts, Walnuts, Walnuts” all the damn time. [TPM Muckraker]
* George “H-Dubs” Bush almost dies on the golf course — HuffPo commenters wish him well. [HuffPo]
* Michael Bloomberg wants to fuck up the 2008 election. [Captain's Quarters]
* So does Ron Paul. [Wizbang Politics]
* Dick Gephardt saves Bill Clinton’s ass, again. [Freakonomics]
* John McCain stink-palms himself. [CC Insider]

* Nancy Pelosi’s mothering powers are so great she can excrete children at will. [Comedy Central Insider]
* Media coverage of Anna Nicole as lop-sided as she was. [Think Progress]
* Jack Cafferty takes a hack dig at Wolf, who by now has surely come up with something witty he could have said. [Passport]
* Cheney’s office now exists as a “super branch” outside the Governmental space-time continuum. [The Carpetbagger Report]
* Marky Mark Warner won’t gun for Johnny John Warner’s Senate seat, may go for VA governor spot, again. [Vivian Paige]
* Lots more Republican scandals on the way, don’t change that URL! [The Blotter]

Having driven poor old curmudgeon Jack Cafferty to the brink of insanity, CNN dimwit Kyra Phillips has now been shuffled to some other timeslot with another guy, Don Lemon. He makes a brief, brave effort to mention an actual news story, but just 20 seconds later, the new guy has followed Kyra’s lead into the special world of crazy people talking about nothing.

Cringeworthy transcription fun, after the jump.

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Live, in The Situation Room: MORE »

* Oh, the fun we have! Chris Matthews’ friends laughed at Kim Eisler, then Wonkette’s friends laughed at Chris Matthews’ stationery.
* But no one laughed at Jack Kingston’s attempt to cop some street cred.
* Ports, Ports, Ports.
* Having saved David Gregory’s job, we are expecting to be the next recipient of one of his giggly drunk international calls. It’s only fair, Dave.
* We witnessed the all-too-soon end of Take Your Legislator To Lunch day. To everyone’s disappointment.
* Wolf met Jack, and it looks like we made it through the post without a Brokeback Mountain joke! Good work all, drinks all around.
* We called Pat Roberts, and he didn’t seem particularly happy to hear from us. Sometimes we just think funny things…
* They may not be able to convince the International Community that they’re a responsible governing body, but Hamas has convinced 10-year-old girls across the world that martyrs are totally cute.
* Ex-prostitute Tom Malin is not an ex-gay ex-prostitute. He is also, unfortunately, not a Texas State Representative.
* We got drunk at the Press Club! With bloggers! Which son do you think Mrs. Reed is prouder of: Lou, or the one who edits that libertarian magazine?
* Is the military censoring Wonkette? Not exactly, unless you have a pretty liberal definition of “censoring.” But someone doesn’t like us, that’s for sure.
* The State Department is, apparently, a hotbed of bitchy gossip and infighting. Obviously, we’ll be much more interested in it from here on out. U.S. Ambassador to Sudan: “Where’s your prophet now?”
* Is it just us, or were there like fifty identical poll results released this week that were all treated as breaking news? Anyway, we just liked the ones that came with graphics.

Below, a small sampling of our favorite comments left this week. Well, maybe not our favorites, but they seemed like most of the words were spelled correctly and we just need to get out of the apartment while it’s still fucking nice outside. Want to join the party? Find out how here. MORE »

News junkies everywhere are celebrating today’s first ever meeting between Wolf Blitzer and Jack “The Angina Monologues” Cafferty. MORE »

Some brief commentary from the mother of Wonkette’s midwestern half: MORE »

• Tony Williams postpones vote on baseball stadium, the rumor being that he’s losing support on the DC Council. Peter Angelos and David Catania make for some odd — and scorchingly unattractive — bedfellows [Washington Post] MORE »

Never having been a fan of Jack Cafferty’s grumpy granddad schtick at “American Morning,” we are the last people we thought would say this: What he needed was more time on camera. Given the debut of CNN’s “The Situation Room” network, Jack has given his crotchetiness full flower, allowing him to turn it onto the show itself. Just now:

WOLF BLITZER: That’s fascinating, watching a friend or relative flying some place, you go there at flight explorer.com and you can see it almost realtime. Thank you. Useful information in “The Situation Room.” Let’s get more useful information, Jack cafferty. I almost said useless information, Jack, but i corrected myself. MORE »