According to some Philadelphia CityPaper blog post we don’t really believe and can only half comprehend because the HTML is all broken because a million people must be trying to read this same important scandalous story right now, Barack Obama was seen in a gym somewhere using the failed Microsoft music player called “the Zune” — instead of the Apple Mac iPod, which is what fancy people use, because they are so classy with their taste and money. UPCOMING REVELATIONS: Obama wears Old Navy jeans, likes Coldplay, loved The Da Vinci Code, and thought Return of the Jedi was the best of the original trilogy, because of the Ewoks. [CityPaper & CityPaper]

• The House will probably approve this new bailout plan, which is exactly what was said last time. [New York Times]
• The Senate had a busy day yesterday, as it also voted to re-open nuclear trade with India. Looks like your President Bush is no longer without a single foreign policy success, hooray! [Washington Post]
• Apple is threatening to shut down its famous iTunes Music Shoppe if royalty rates on songs increase. [Times Online]
• Remember crime? It was this thing, in the 80s mostly. Don’t feel bad, no one’s mentioned for years anyway because of the Terror Threat. [Wall Street Journal]
• All the Asian stocks are still falling, even though this bailout was half-approved. [Reuters]
• Ted Stevens’ lonely boys pen pal club was just a “ruse” designed to land the thieving octogenarian free trinkets & home repairs. [Los Angeles Times]

David Brooks, in today’s New York Times, finally reveals what we suspected all along: he really doesn’t do any thinking for himself. Brooks unashamedly admits that he listens to songs from The O.C. soundtrack because “I just log on to iTunes and it tells me what I like.” He also drives where his car tells him to drive and doesn’t have a memory any more because Yahoo, Google and Wikipedia hijacked his cerebellum long ago. “I’m no longer clear on where I end and my BlackBerry begins,” he states, and this explains a lot, doesn’t it? It gets worse, though, because then he gets cosmic: “I have relinquished control over my decisions to the universal mind. I have fused with the knowledge of the cybersphere, and entered the bliss of a higher metaphysic.” We look forward to the day when Brooks receives his “lolcats” implant, because he’ll be way more entertaining when he finally does. MORE »