Comical Italian hump-monster Silvio Berlusconi is always getting into scrapes — sexual scrapes, that is! The latest involves an audio tape, released to an Italian newspaper, purporting to be the prime minister and a 42-year-old escort talking about sex things, such as masturbation, immediately after they had sex together. She taped the whole thing with her cell phone, the naughty minx! Italian speakers, enjoy. [The Guardian, L'espresso]

What enemy of America is Nobama meeting now? Oh, just former Nazi Youth and New World Order socialist Joseph Ratzinger, Italy’s latest “bad pope.” How lousy is this pope? He even let Chicago Muslin lady Michelle Obama inside His boys-only clubhouse! [CBC]

Italy was a pretty important country or whatever about 2,000 years ago, but since then it’s gradually deflated to its current status as a wacky do-nothing ice-cream colony of back hair and male capri pants and trash and rats. Pompey was lucky to die when he did! Now the person running this ancient land-phallus is a naked orange clown who spends all of his time ringleading orgies with young non-wife girls or fiddling around with the roster of the soccer team he randomly owns. Which is great for him! But unfortunately for this Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, he signed Italy up as the host of tomorrow’s latest G8 conference a while back without realizing that he and his minions would have to “do preparation stuff” in advance, so they just did nothing, and now “Washington” is trying to kick this embarrassing pizza-bagel of a country out of its Rich Nations Club once and for all. MORE »

Here is the libidinous fartsack Silvio Berlusconi, who still lives with his mom, assaulting some poor woman who just wanted to write a goddamn parking ticket in peace. Thank you to the inimitable shortsshortsshorts who posted this years-old but still fantastically awful bit of filth on his blog. [YouTube via ShortsandPants]

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People who follow European politics know that Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is a crooked wingnut who only stays in power by sending packets of money to every member of parliament. He has been charged and tried for a variety of comical Italian crimes such as bribery of cops and judges, “mafia collusion,” and every known variety of corruption. But he has never been convicted, and this is why the White House shouldn’t have handed out that Berlusconi biography calling him a scumbag “”known for governmental corruption and vice.” [BBC News]

Everyone in Europe is a socialist Liberal arugula-swilling white wine-eating gay elite terrorist statist freedom-hating fairy, except for one man: Silvio Berlusconi, who said today that he favors John McCain, and did so by mocking him: “I suppose I could express my own personal preference for one of the candidates, the Republican candidate, and this is for a very selfish reason, and that is that I would no longer be the oldest person at the upcoming G8.” So far, this is the most reasonable explanation any individual has offered for supporting John McCain. [WSJ]

Every four years, Europeans get mad at Americans because only stupid ignorant U.S. citizens get to elect their president (who is always George W. Bush). So this year our friends overseas were delighted to participate in a meaningless poll conducted by the Telegraph, which showed conclusively that your average bewhiskered European hausfrau is just as hot for Barack Obama as millions of recently graduated American college seniors. But who digs Obama the most? The answer may shock you! MORE »

Europeans’ favorite hobbies include drinking tea and “Fanta,” smoking *our* tobacco, sexing tight-jeaned hobbits, and being outrageously catty. Due to at least three of these factors, the outgoing Italian government — distraught over its failures — posted every Italian’s tax information online, with no warning, until the site crashed due to excessive voyeurism. MORE »

If Americans know one thing about the Foreigns (and sometimes that’s a near thing), it’s that they live in Foreign countries, which, obviously, are hellholes of awfulness and despair. Guess if they didn’t want to be crapped on day and night by a malevolent universe, they should have lived in America! This week, the Foreigns introduces you to some happenings overseas that we can safely laugh at only because they only happen to Foreign types, but otherwise they’d be pretty depressing. MORE »

* Clarence Thomas doesn’t want the EPA to act on global warming, cause he likes it hot. [WP, NYT, LAT, USAT]
* Antonin Scalia doesn’t want to address the legality of holding detainees at Guantánamo, cause he hears cries of innocent men in his dreams at night, and likes it. [WP, NYT]
* No one hates America more than Harry Reid. [WP]
* Mitt Romney is an “aggressive fundraiser,” John McCain has “a host of shortcomings.” [WP, WSJ]
* Even intelligence reports in Italy are luxuriously handcrafted, accurate. [WP]
* NASA Inspector General Robert Cobb could end up fired — into space on the back of a photon torpedo. [WP, NYT]

…in Italy! MORE »