Tag Archives: israel

  clipbait

As Usual, World Went All To Hell While Jon Stewart Was On Break (Video)

When Jon Stewart takes a vacation, he usually returns to find that some eminently mockable story has broken while he was away. He was on break when Dick Cheney shot that guy in the face, for instance, and when Sara Palin quit (as governor, that time). But returning from this most recent two-week break, Stewart thinks the entire world has gone mad: the border crisis, the Republicans suing Obama, Iraq falling apart as ISIS takes over huge parts of the country, and for those who prefer the taste of “Catastrophe Classic,” Hamas is shooting rockets ineffectually at Israel and Israel is converting large swaths of Gaza to rubble: “Tastes great, more killing.” Read more on As Usual, World Went All To Hell While Jon Stewart Was On Break (Video)…
  lies damned lies and a beka book

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People

Better fire up your modems and log into your AOL account (or Prodigy for you hipsters). Time for another look at the ruinous near-decade of prosperity under Bill Clinton, as refracted through the Truthiness Lens of rightwing Christian textbooks. This week, foreign affairs! (And next week, we’ll get to the other kind.) Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Leave Reality To Other People…
  oh lord this one's a doozy

Ben Shapiro May Have Finally Lost It, As If Anyone Could Tell

Could someone check Ben Shapiro’s meds? He seems even crankier than usual, and today he’s pretty much decided that Barack Obama is Josef Mengele or something. We’re accustomed to frothing spittle-spraying outrage from Shapiro; it’s pretty much his default setting. This is, after all, a man who celebrated the arrival of his baby daughter into the world by telling the world he would NOT watch the State of the Union address by that terrible socialist. But today his declaration that the Obama administration is fueled by hatred of Jews is, just maybe, a tad unhinged, even for Ben Shapiro, for whom we already know a completely unique scale of hingedness has to be calibrated. Read more on Ben Shapiro May Have Finally Lost It, As If Anyone Could Tell…
  children's television bomb-making workshop

Cuddly Bee Character On Hamas Kids’ Show Shares Whimsical Jew-Killing Tips

This Hamas teevee show for kids, Pioneers of Tomorrow, is pretty hardcore compared to American kids’ shows. No messing around with letters or numbers or the Magic of Friendship; instead, this loveable Bee Guy explains the joys of attacking Jews to little Palestinian children. ¡No es bueno! And it’s a pretty outrageous example of what Hamas is filling children’s minds with right this very minute, or at least until 2009, and maybe in reruns, who knows?* Read more on Cuddly Bee Character On Hamas Kids’ Show Shares Whimsical Jew-Killing Tips…
  Judgment Day. Also Judge Dredd.

Louie Gohmert Fears John Kerry Is A Wizard Who Has Cursed Israel And Will Bring God’s Wrath Upon U.S.

GOHMERT!
Louie Gohmert, always on the lookout to prevent the doom of our nation, is extremely upset with John Kerry for having suggested that maybe it is a bad thing the way they treat the Palestinians and that maybe they should stop and sign a peace treaty before it goes further and they have Apartheid. Which they already kind of do. He feels he must warn us now that Kerry is obviously an evil wizard who has put a curse/hex/mahlook on Israel and who will stop at nothing to bring about God’s Wrath Upon America. Luckily for Israel, my sainted Nonnie swears that first part can be dealt with by dropping some olive oil into water and praying to the Virgin Mary, but what of us? Read more on Louie Gohmert Fears John Kerry Is A Wizard Who Has Cursed Israel And Will Bring God’s Wrath Upon U.S….
  rapture of the derp

Michele Bachmann So Disappointed American Jews Don’t Recognize That Obama Is The Antichrist

Like a lot of your rightwing fundagelicals, Michele Bachmann is a big believer in the old Chick tract “Support Your Local Jew,” so she knows that the most important country in the world, next to maybe America, is Israel, because that’s where Jesus will come to end the world. And so if Israel is unhappy about an American policy, that’s not just international politics, that’s an affront to God. Which explains why ol’ Crazy Eyes is especially ticked at American Jews for not recognizing the self-evident truth that Barack Obama is bad for the Jews. You see, Obama went and reached a preliminary nuclear deal with Iran, and then he went and manage to convince Congress not to vote for any new sanctions on Iran while negotiators try to reach a permanent deal. This did not sit well with Michele Bachmann, protector of Israel — in fact, it’s a chaleria that so many Jews voted for the gonif. Read more on Michele Bachmann So Disappointed American Jews Don’t Recognize That Obama Is The Antichrist…
  how girl get pregnant?

Obama Forces Israel To Abort All Babbies At U.S. Taxpayer Expense

Oh, Israel. You are the focus of conservative End Times fetishists everywhere, because the Christian end of the world narrative runs right through you (sorry!) and that makes you beloved by a certain brand of weirdo. Also, too, you’re our new best friend because we broke up with England. WE BROKE UP WITH THEM FIRST DAMMIT no matter what they say. Conservatives also dig on how some among you have some fucked up retrograde notions about ladies and how certain types of praying is just for the menz. But now, Israel, you are making the conservatives very very sad, because you are holding a big abortion jamboree and you are going to cram mandatory abortions down the throat of all ladies thanks to your socialist medicine. Israel will pay for abortions for women aged 20 to 33 regardless of circumstance starting next year, health officials said Monday, adding that they hope to make eligibilty for state funding universal in the future. Until now, subsidized abortions for women of all ages were available in medical emergencies or in case of rape and sexual abuse. Women under the age of 20 or over 40 were also eligible for abortion funding even when the reason was personal. Read more on Obama Forces Israel To Abort All Babbies At U.S. Taxpayer Expense…
  they see me trollin'

Obama Touches Raul Castro’s Communist Fingers At Mandela Funeral, Wingnuts Outraged

Monstrous America-hating monster Barack Obama touched a communist today at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela, leading to fairly predictable speculation that the handshake with Cuban President Raul Castro was either evidence of warming relations between the two countries, or proof that Obama shares Mandela’s love for communism, terrorism, and hating Israel. Plus, maybe Obama bowed. Check the video! Was that a bow? Castro’s shorter, so yeah, definitely a bow! Did he whisper state secrets into the communist leader’s ear? INPEACH! Besides, everybody knows you are supposed to spit on people at state funerals and then kick them in the nuts. This Barack Hussein Obama has obviously never read Miss Manners. Read more on Obama Touches Raul Castro’s Communist Fingers At Mandela Funeral, Wingnuts Outraged…
  Uranium? I Hardly Know 'Em

Your Handy Wonkette Guide To How You Should Feel About The Iran Nuclear Deal

This weekend, Iran and the five permanent members of the UN Security Council plus Germany (P5+1 if you like things that look like math) struck a preliminary deal under which Iran will do less nuclear stuff in exchange for everyone being less mean to them with sanctions. CNN has a decent explainer in listicle form (THANK GOD) as well as the full text of the agreement. Of course, as with any multilateral nuclear agreement, the most important thing is how does it make you feel? This stuff is complicated, but yr Wonkette is here to help. Just tell us Who are you? and we’ll tell you your opinion. Read more on Your Handy Wonkette Guide To How You Should Feel About The Iran Nuclear Deal…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth

Hi, Wonkaloonies! Yr Doktor Zoom really enjoyed “sleeping in” this week! But we are back from vacation now, and ready for another Derp Roundup, our weekly Sloppy Joe of news trimmings that were too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite enough to make a full post out of. We have to use ‘em before they start to turn. Verily, this is the Arby-Q of Wonket posts. We’ll start off with the tale of Petr Pavlensky, a Russian “conceptual artist” who won’t be conceiving anything for a little while now, since he went and nailed his nutsack to the cobbles of Red Square to protest…um… well, we thought it was to protest the imprisonment of Pussy Riot, but no, for that, he sewed his mouth shut. This time he sat down in front of Lenin’s Mausoleum and pounded a large nail through his scrotum into the pavement. Pavlensky explained in a post-arrest statement that the nut-nailing “can be seen as a metaphor for the apathy, political indifference and fatalism of contemporary Russian society.” It’s nice when you’re able to combine your hobbies with your activism. Gawker notes that police used “a claw hammer” to bring the protest to an abrupt end (yes, we just felt several hundred of you wince). Efficient, but wouldn’t poetic justice have been better served with a ball peen hammer? Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth

Welcome to another edition of our Derp Roundup, that collection of virtual floor sweepings that are too stoopid to completely ignore but not worth a full-length post. To start with, let’s give an Excellence In Trolling medal to the sometimes-funny Andy Borowitz, whose New Yorker piece this week was characteristically meh, but managed to fool a few people, including Stupidest Guest Blogger On the Internet Mara Zebest, over at Gateway Pundit, whose impassioned overreaction — “Obama is a thin-skinned man-child and the laughing stock of the world” — doesn’t really depend on the veracity of the source material anyway. After commenters pointed out that Borowitz is satire — and a commenter whined about Obama being elected by “low information voters who get their info from Hollywood and comedians” — Zebest pulled the article, but it’s preserved by the magic of Google cache. Thanks, internet! Wonkette wishes a speedy recovery to Jim Hoft, and is exploring the possibility of asking Andy Borowitz to run a story about the $3150 that Gateway Pundit owes us. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Weekend Roundup Of Dumbth…
  you downplay just ONE genocide...

Helen Thomas Meets Deadline

Your Wonkette comes bearing sad news: Helen Thomas, “White House Crone,” died today at age 92 after a long and eventful tour through the halls of the White House. Younger Wonketeers may only know her from that 2010 video where she made anti-Semitic comments , but she was also the first woman assigned to a full time position as a White House reporter and, over the course of a half century, reported on every U.S. president from John Kennedy to Barack Obama. She was the only reporter to accompany Nixon to China. She asked hard questions that made G.W. appear almost — not quite, but almost — sympathetic in his bumbling idiocy, and — unlike many contemporary journalists (YOU KNOW WHO WE MEAN) could be combative and hostile to press secretaries and the presidents they worked for. For example, she practically called Dana Perino a warmongering hussy, right to her face, and asked Obama why the hell we were still in Afghanistan given the corruption of the Karzai regime, its inhospitable terrain, and the mounting death toll. And — in addition to doing all that — she stalked Stephen Colbert, which we present to you in her honor: Read more on Helen Thomas Meets Deadline…
  less aid more aids

Ambitious GOP Tires Of Screwing Domestic Poors, Broadens Sights To Poors Of Whole Wide World

It’s another day on Capitol Hill, so you know what that means: time for the GOP to find new ways to dick over the poor. Apparently growing bored trying to deny health care to poor Americans, the GOP is setting its greedy black-hearted sights on a larger market: the global poors. According to The Hill: House Republicans on Thursday unveiled a 2014 spending bill with a 26 percent cut to foreign aid. It seems that Republicans will do everything in their power to ensure that the words of Jesus remain true: The poor will always be with you. We’re not theology majors in the Seekrit Wonket Chatcave, but we are pretty sure this ain’t what JC had in mind. Let’s wonksplore how the GOP is making sure that people are born, live and die in poverty, thanks be to god.  Read more on Ambitious GOP Tires Of Screwing Domestic Poors, Broadens Sights To Poors Of Whole Wide World…
  Cops Of The World

Hell Is Other Countries: Sarin In Syria, A New Man In Iran

Our ten-foot pole has arrived, which means we are finally ready to touch the dual shitstorms of Syria and Iran! The latest news on Syria is that our duly-elected warlord, Field Marshal B. Barry Bamz, has decided to steer a middle course of moar gunz, but not-too-big gunz, for the Free Syrian Army. This decision comes partly in response to recent confirmation that the Assad regime used chemical weapons, including sarin gas, against rebels. That means Assad crossed a “red line” without even buying a home in a white neighborhood, so we pretty much had to do guns on Syria, because “Superpowers don’t bluff” is a thing that Tony Blinken, some kinda war dude, reportedly said to Obama. No word on whether Winken and Nod concurred, nor whether they were actually just acting out a scene from The West Wing, because how pithy! Read more on Hell Is Other Countries: Sarin In Syria, A New Man In Iran…
  does bamz come to your work and slap the dick out of your mouth?

Joe ‘You Lie!’ Wilson Books Flight To Israel To Have Fun Debate With American President, Apparently

Israel’s most hated enemy/most Jewishest president yet Barack Obama is in the Holy Land today, and somebody went all Code Pink on him (we assume; the protester must have been an anti-drone civil libertarian, right? Right? Because conservatives all have impeccable manners and Respect for the Office of the Presidency and would never be so vulgar). What is weird about this video is that the audience did not drown out the heckler by chanting USA! USA! which is obviously how you drown out a heckler. Instead, they just drowned him out by clapping. Lame, Israel. Whatever. OH WAIT, that is the wrong video, we regret the error. Read more on Joe ‘You Lie!’ Wilson Books Flight To Israel To Have Fun Debate With American President, Apparently…
  what happens in israel stays in israel

Obama’s Sweet Ride Breaks Down In Israel Because The Wingnuts Needed A New Metaphor

Happy Israel Day! Yes! The President is in the Holy Land for the first time ever you guys, and it is so exciting and full of love and Scientology-style billion-year-contracts of eternal and forever alliances, and oh my God, what is wrong with your sweet ride, Pres O? “We experienced mechanical trouble with one of the cars,” said Edwin Donovan, a spokesman for the Secret Service. “We don’t know the cause.” “That’s why we bring different multiple vehicles,” Donovan said. Read more on Obama’s Sweet Ride Breaks Down In Israel Because The Wingnuts Needed A New Metaphor…
  hint it is eric cantor

Well Well Well, Look Who Hates Israel

Sorry, Eric Cantor, but it looks like you will never get reelected now, because it turns out you are an anti-Semite what hates Israel, and also probably the Jews. What a shanda! Top House Republicans were invited to Israel with President Barack Obama, but did not attend because of the congressional schedule, sources on Capitol Hill and at the White House say. Most notably, Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) declined an invitation to attend a Jerusalem state dinner in honor of Obama because Congress is voting on government funding and the 2014 budget this week, several sources said. The White House invited Cantor to Obama’s speech in Jerusalem. Why does Barack Nobumer invite Eric Cantor to Israel, when he knows Eric Cantor can’t attend a dinner in Obama’s honor miss important budget votes? That is like inviting him for a yummy lobster salad summit when you know lobster isn’t kosher! Read more on Well Well Well, Look Who Hates Israel…
  All In All It's Just Another Chick At The Wall

Israel To Praying Ladies: You Can’t Have It Yahweh

Don’t worry everyone! America’s closest ally (which apparently is NOT GREAT BRITAIN, probably because of ye olde rebuffinge the Limey Bastards gave to His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney) is having a bit of tsuris with its Yentls who think they can WEAR MEN’S PRAYER SHAWLS, and READ FROM THE TORAH OUT LOUD! But they are on the case, and the hussies who tried to wear men’s prayer shawls and pray out loud at the Wailing Wall have been arrested for what the Israeli Supreme Court deemed “a threat to law and order,” which carries with it up to six months in jail and a $3,000 fine, so we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Read more on Israel To Praying Ladies: You Can’t Have It Yahweh…
  sucker's bet

Assume Wingnuts Furious Over SNL’s Cut Chuck Hagel Sketch

We do not know if the wingnuts are furious about the Chuck Hagel Sadtime Clown Face Hearings Hour, and how SNL cut it before air, probably because it was not funny. (We have just watched it; it was not funny.) We do not know if the wingnuts are furious, because Doktor Zoom is the only person who came to work today, and he is “easily distractible,” so it is pretty much up to just us to run our stupid blog today, and we do not feel like looking at wingnut blogs because we fell yesterday while we were running with our dog (not “out for a run,” because come on, just running like half a block or so, for funsies) and we did not even trip or anything, just all of a sudden our legs did not work anymore, just like when Brenda from Six Feet Under fucked those sailors so hard she got a spinal tumor in Muriel’s Wedding? (YOU’RE TERRIBLE, MURIEL!) And we hurt our wrist and our palms (and our knees), just like Jesus? Read more on Assume Wingnuts Furious Over SNL’s Cut Chuck Hagel Sketch…
  evildoers

Chuck Hagel Loves Terrorism Like Al Jazeera Loves Beheading People

Rick Santorum has some thoughts you guys, and apparently they are so important he cannot even save them for his “exclusive” gig at WND, columnizing alongside folks who think the Supreme Court Chief Justice should be impeached for swearing in whats-his-name, the black guy. Here are Rick Santorum’s babies of his brain: Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Defense, former Republican senator Chuck Hagel, loves terrorism. He wants to marry terrorism, and make little satan-butt-babies with terrorism, and they will name their satan-butt-baby “Joe.” Read more on Chuck Hagel Loves Terrorism Like Al Jazeera Loves Beheading People…
  tweeting your house to pieces

Israel Having Time Of Its Life Live-Tweeting Assault on Gaza

Maybe Israel doesn’t have a choice but to explode chunks of the Gaza Strip, because Hamas has been shooting rockets into Israel. And maybe not! We are told we must support The Good Guys, though, because of the Bible, and then later when the Good Guys do not accept our version of ancient things, they burn in hell? Right? Either way, it seems pretty clear the good old time the Israeli Defense Forces is having live-tweeting its bombardment of Gaza, complete with propaganda leaflets and multi-lingual Facebook pages, is mucho fucking creepy. Read more on Israel Having Time Of Its Life Live-Tweeting Assault on Gaza…