Tag Archives: israel

  Won't You Pour Me A Cuban Breeze Gretchen?

Fidel Castro Wins Cold War, Hooray!

Thought about 'shopping Obama's face in there, but nahhh
In news that probably ought to seem a lot more exciting to Cold War Babbies like Yr Wonkette, President Obama announced today that the U.S. and Cuba have finalized arrangements to reopen embassies in each other’s countries. And while we are indeed pleased by the news, we’re mostly just wondering what the hell took so long — and also whether we should yell at Red China about Quemoy and Matsu while we’re at it. As Steve Martin said about Nixon way back in 1977, it’s like making Ike jokes. But hooray, the president has followed through with another step in his groundbreaking agreement to normalize relations with Cuba, and now it’s just a matter of time until everyone starts asking about when they can import cigars (short answer: no time soon). It’s probably just as well; they’re just goddamn cigars, and they’ll taste like goddamn cigars, for godssake. Read more on Fidel Castro Wins Cold War, Hooray!…
  Point and laugh at the Arkansas idiot

Arkansas Senator Dude Tired Of Homos Parading About During Sunday Church Services

Jason Rapert points at homosexuals.
Arkansas state Sen. Jason Rapert has had thoughts again! We last heard from him when he was helpfully trying to get a Ten Commandments monument constructed on the grounds of the Arkansas state capitol, for “historical reasons,” because, like, all of our judicial system is based on those ten suggestions. (DUH.) Well, this week, he’s pissed off about the fags and fag-adjacents (read: lesbians) who decided, for the 12TH YEAR IN A ROW, to hold the Conway, Arkansas, gay pride parade on a Sunday, because he knows those gays picked that day in order to persecute godly Bible-believers like Rapert, who simply wish to get to church on Sunday unscathed by glitter or joy. Rapert logged on to the Facebook to tell us all how the gays hurt him in his no-no parts. Let’s mock him: Read more on Arkansas Senator Dude Tired Of Homos Parading About During Sunday Church Services…
  Two-Hate Solution

Don’t Accuse Louie Gohmert Of Callin’ Obama A Terrorist, ‘Twas An Innocent Question

Is Louie Gohmert a Ferengi? We're only asking!
This one seems a little out there, even for the mighty mental power that is Texas congresstoad Louie Gohmert: In a floor speech in the House of Representatives, Gohmert wanted to ask — just ask, mind you — whether the president is not merely soft on terrorism, but an actual terrorist himself? After all, Gohmert has already established that, in the Middle East, Obama is always on the side of our enemies, whoever they are. Read more on Don’t Accuse Louie Gohmert Of Callin’ Obama A Terrorist, ‘Twas An Innocent Question…
  this will totally work

GOP Would Like A Shot With The Blacks Once They’re Done Making Love To Barack Obama

Unfortunately Carlton Banks is not running.
It is of course a Science Fact that black people only voted for Barack Obama because he was black. This is why Alan Keyes and Allen West have also been president of America for several decades each, because all the black folks, even the dead voter fraud kind that mostly do not exist, turned out in droves to vote for them. Oh wait, that did not happen, we must have accidentally mainlined some WorldNetDaily this morning. But the GOP does tend to believe that black people blindly voted for Barack Obama. Well, once HE is out of the picture, Republicans sense an opportunity! Can they woo some black voters away in 2016, when the Kenyan Prince will be relegated to ex-boyfriend status? Read more on GOP Would Like A Shot With The Blacks Once They’re Done Making Love To Barack Obama…
  How dare you quote his own words to him

GOP Senator Loves Iran, Hates Obama, Wants You To Shut Up About That Now

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Traitor)
Check out this giant steaming pile of Iran-shaped elephant manure Wisconsin’s Republican Sen. Ron Johnson stepped in: “Now, a President who was awarded the 2013 Politifact Lie of the Year, if you like your healthcare plan you can keep it, period. If you like your doctor you can keep it, period. They lied boldfaced to the American public repeatedly with Obamacare,” the Wisconsin senator said at a recent town hall in Cerdarburg, Wisconsin. Read more on GOP Senator Loves Iran, Hates Obama, Wants You To Shut Up About That Now…
  I see England I see France I can see Russia from my house

Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice

Less charisma than a sleeping basset hound, and nowhere near as cute.
Despite the fact that presidential candidate Carly Fiorina (R-LOL) has explained that going places on airplanes — like that know-nothing Hillary Clinton, who used to be Secretary of State — is not the same thing as actual foreign policy experience, her likely rival for the nomination, Gov. Scott Walker of Wisconsin (R-Zzzzzzz), apparently is not paying attention, because he told Bob Schieffer on Face The Nation that he will be so much better of a president than Hillary Clinton, because the places he went to on airplanes are nice, and the places Hillary Clinton went to on airplanes suckity suck, and are also Benghazi: Read more on Scott Walker Will Be Best President Of America, Because He’s Been To Europe Like Twice…
  Good plan or GREAT plan?

Jeb Bush Unveils Presidential Cabinet, Everyone In It Is George W. Bush

He's with stupid
Every Republican knows the absolute last name you ever want to mention in mixed company is, um, you know. That one president who came before Barack Obama. Hell, even that one president knows he is toxic, which is why he has said “you won’t see me” during the 2016 presidential election. Because his name is shit, his legacy is shit, his own party has distanced itself from him for years, not inviting him to conventions and insisting he was never really one of them anyway. But there’s one Republican who thinks saying GEORGE W. BUSH is a winning strategy. You’ll never guess who it is! Read more on Jeb Bush Unveils Presidential Cabinet, Everyone In It Is George W. Bush…
  Still not president

Sen. Tom Cotton Turding Up Fellow Republicans’ Iran Punchbowl

He still thinks he's president
Tom Cotton, the freshman tea party senator from Arkansas who’s already made quite a name for himself (and that name is “Traitor”), is making friends and influencing people ALL over the place. Just when Senate Republicans and Democrats were about to enjoy one of those rare moments of agreeing on something — in this case, legislation saying that Congress has a REAL BIG DICK, so it gets to have a say-so in any agreement on Iran’s nuclear program — Sen. Cotton had to fuck everything up, with the help of Sen. Marco Rubio, who doesn’t even give a damn anymore because he’s quitting the Senate anyway to go not be president: Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Turding Up Fellow Republicans’ Iran Punchbowl…
  Fuckabee if you're nasty

Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!

Gonna teach America some manners again!
Former Arkansas governor and current traditional values hall monitor Mike Huckabee announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination for president today in Hope, Arkansas, because he is from there, just like Bill Clinton! The theme of the day was “going from Hope to Higher Ground,” because using “hope” as a theme has never been done before, by a presidential candidate from Hope, Arkansas. There was nice uplifting music, like that Tony Orlando stuff Huckabee loves, and quite unlike that whore Beyoncé music the Obamas love, which Mike Huckabee knows is from the devil. Unfortunately, Ted Nugent was not there to help Huckabee sing about bitches’ pussies, BY WHICH WE MEAN KITTY CATS. Read more on Mike Huckabee Will Be President Of Making All The Ladies Stop Saying Gay Cusses!…
  It happens to all guys seriously

Ben Carson Prematurely Ejaculates Presidential Announcement

Ben Carson is only doing this because people are BEGGING him to.
Dr. Ben Carson, who is very good at being a neurosurgeon but doesn’t seem to have other strengths, officially announces his candidacy to lose to Hillary Clinton in Detroit today, but whoops, guess he couldn’t keep the “secret” any longer, because he “leaked” the news to WHAM ABC 13 in Rochester on Sunday. In the interview, Carson sleepily says that he is “willing to be part of [that] equation,” presumably the equation required to save America from all the economic growth and healthcare wrought by evil Obama’s reign of terror. Therefore he will run for president! Hurray, is 2016 over yet? Read more on Ben Carson Prematurely Ejaculates Presidential Announcement…
  The new McCarthyism is just as gay as the Old McCarthyism

Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates’ Hidey-Holes

This time we'll burn the GAY witches!
It’s very tough to be a “family values” conservative these days! The Republican Party, for many years now, has viewed its wingnut anti-gay base as A Great Big Useful Idiot, so they all have a contest to see who can pay them the most lip service about God Hates Fags, and then they elect people who totally BETRAY THEM by failing to ban gays from even existing. Ken Mehlman used to run the RNC, and then he magically turned into a homosexual and now fights for so-called gay “marriage.” Laura Bush thinks it’s okay for the homosexuals to get married too! And do not even get them STARTED on Cindy and Meghan McCain, those gay-lovin’ bitches. So a group of wingnuts that calls itself the American Renewal Project has decided to go full McCarthy, investigating all the 2016 candidates, as well as their families and staff members, to see what kinda homosexuals and gay-lovers they’re hiding: Read more on Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates’ Hidey-Holes…
  Let's gossip about the week that was!

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Drink Mimosas And Judge People

It's the best day of the week!
Hola, Wonkers, we hope that your Sunday is treating you well. Pull up a chair, for we must now gossip about all the hilarious and CONTROVERSIAL stories that you clicked on the most this week! We thought you would all be super-excited about Marco Rubio running for president, but none of those stories made the top 10, :(. Guess Rubio will never be president now. Also never being President? Hillary Clinton, because none of her stories made the top 10 either! It’s all yours, Rand Paul! Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Drink Mimosas And Judge People…
  wtf?

Republicans Actually Say Out Loud They Are Not Loyal To America, To Pollsters, With Their Mouths

Just plain sad
After all these years of hearing So. Much. BULLSHIT! about Barack Obama — he’s a secret Muslim, he’s a secret Kenyan, he’s a cokehead, he’s a gay, he’s the devil, he’s the anti-christ, he’s Hitler, he’s a this that the other thing ARGGGHHHH! — we have no right to be shocked anymore by anything any Republicans say or do to let us know just how much they hate the president. Read more on Republicans Actually Say Out Loud They Are Not Loyal To America, To Pollsters, With Their Mouths…
  Daddy issues

Ted Cruz’s Dry-Drunk Daddy Will Save The Jews From Obama, For Jesus

Ted Cruz’s ex-drunk ex-deadbeat dad, Rafael, is a swell guy who loves to spread The Good Word about how God hand-selected his boy Ted to be the next president of the United States of Jesus. And also, of course, the Penultimate Good Word about how Obama sucks, as he did yet again while testifying to a group of Georgia teabaggers. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Dry-Drunk Daddy Will Save The Jews From Obama, For Jesus…
  Gone but not forgotten

Michele Bachmann: God Is Punishing Us For Obama, Just Like It Says In The Bible

Here have some more crazy
Now that Michele Bachmann is no longer a member of Congress, she is free at last to share her innermost insanity that she’d kept to herself all those years she was in office. Like when she wanted to call upon Americans to slit their wrists in opposition to Obamacare, or wanted to demand that the media investigate Congress to find out which members are “anti-America” — but of course she didn’t do those things, because that would sound CRAZY coming from an elected politician. Read more on Michele Bachmann: God Is Punishing Us For Obama, Just Like It Says In The Bible…
  Here have some news n stuff

The Way Jeb Bush Is F*cking Up, You’d Think He Was Already Running For President

Maybe the not so S-M-R-T one
Jeb Bush — who has got to be tired by now of being laughingly referred to as “the smart one,” but screw him, let’s never stop doing that, he IS supposed to be the smart one, isn’t he? — has had a lot of campaign problems for a guy who hasn’t officially launched his presidential campaign yet. Here’s his latest: Read more on The Way Jeb Bush Is F*cking Up, You’d Think He Was Already Running For President…
  oy

Congressschmuck Steve King Doesn’t Understand Why American Jews Are So Anti-Semitic

Jesus
Iowa Rep. Steve King is an actual member of Congress, as well as a terrible person on every single issue, from Messicans to homomessicans to light bulbs to dogfighting. In a radio interview on Friday, Steve King demonstrated the depth and breadth of his terribleness by being a terrible person about The Jews, in whom he is Very Disappointed for being such bad The Jews, which is a thing The Jews never EVER tire of hearing, no really, please do go on some more about how The Jews have let down you non-The Jews. Read more on Congressschmuck Steve King Doesn’t Understand Why American Jews Are So Anti-Semitic…
  so long and thanks for all the gefilte fish

Loathsome Warmonger Addresses Congress. (Not Dick Cheney.)

Go fuck yourself
Bibi Netanyahu came to Capitol Hill on Tuesday to deliver his much-anticipated speech to Congress. (No we will not embed it here because we love you.) Wonkette’s Los Angeles bureau rolled out of bed early to watch it, because there is nothing we like more than starting our day with a little bloodthirsty warmongering. It pairs so well with coffee and rage. Here for your pleasure is our retroactive liveblog of the speech. Read more on Loathsome Warmonger Addresses Congress. (Not Dick Cheney.)…
  All the Nooses That Fit

Tea Party Lady Just Wants To String Up Blacks Who Skip Netanyahu’s Big Speech

Is everybody amped for Bibi’s Big Bloviation today? Tea Party “radio” host and WorldNetDaily contributor Andrea Shea King sure is. She happens to know exactly how important it is for all members of Congress to attend Netanyahu’s speech, in fact: She’s determined that anyone who doesn’t attend is actually guilty of treason, and should be executed. We’re not sure whether she thinks that would be treason to the United States or Israel, but it’s definitely a hangin’ offense, especially for members of the Congressional Black Caucus, because apparently they’re the worst of the anti-Israel racists, what with looking like Obama and all. Read more on Tea Party Lady Just Wants To String Up Blacks Who Skip Netanyahu’s Big Speech…