Oh please look at the tragic press release for Bill Donohue’s new-ish book, Secular Sabotage. Not one person—not a single graphic design intern, or PR guy, or someone at the publisher’s office—had any objection to including this blurb. Chilling. (Thank you to Wonkette Informant “Dan T.”) [Catholic League]

Are you ready for a dose of injustice this morning?  Ch-ch-ch-check out Obama, David Paterson and Jon Corzine’s Triangle of Racism, brought to you, straight up, from three-dimensional polygon of hip hop, RNC Chairman Michael Steele. See, Obama said that he would not encourage a certain black governor (David Paterson) to run for re-election, as David Paterson is historically unpopular with his own constituents. But Jon Corzine is just as hated by his own state (New Jersey—not even kidding), so why did Obama not include the white Jon Corzine in his grand total (1) of how many black governors he would tell to sit this one out?? MORE »

Why is the state of Missouri punishing our nation’s most community service-oriented neo-Nazis with irony? Last year some members of Missouri’s National Socialist Movement adopted a highway, like a Girl Scout troop or whatever does all the time without any problems, except that since they are Nazis and not Girl Scouts, certain issues arose. But you know what? The Missouri Nazis loved that highway as if it were of their own, pure, Aryan blood. But what is Missouri trying to do now, after the Missouri Nazis have been cleaning the thing four times a year? Rename it after some rabbi, a known Jew (!), who escaped from their ancestors, the Actual Nazis, during history’s famous incident, the Holocaust. MORE »

• Famed incidental ironist Bristol Palin will participate in a panel about preventing teen pregnancy. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Same sex marriage is now half-legal in Maine! Vermont is totally there in spirit but it got distracted because Ghostbusters was on teevee and also its roommate had just ordered food. [Ben Smith]
• David Plouffe, the sociopath who regularly torments all of America by managing to send dumb emails at the exact moment when Americans are waiting for an actual important correspondence, has admitted that Boy-Governor of Utah Jon Huntsman makes him want to vomit. [HuffPost]
• Slate intern Eliot Spitzer likes to go “talk politics” at Tina Brown’s sad brunch fetes. [Daily Intel]
• According to Vanity Fair, Caroline Kennedy dropped out of the Senate race that one time it became apparent she wasn’t going to be named Senator all because her daughter told her she was too good for it. Mmm. [Gawker]

• Meet Barry’s new socialist realism fashion patch thing! There’s a branch (symbolizing ACORNS), and stars (for Lenin) and the colors red, white, and blue (for reasons unknown). [Top of the Ticket]
• Most infamous non-wolf Palin nemesis, Kim Elton, a member of Alaska’s House of Lords, has jumped right into Obama’s tank, specifically into the Department of the Interior as the “Director of Alaska Affairs.” [CNN Political Ticker]
• RedState.com has begun stockpiling idiots and probably uranium in a quest to strengthen its virtual army of guerrilla insurgents, who will fight Obama’s stated mission of taking away America’s freedom and distributing it, in rations, to the communist internment kibbutzes on which we will all be forced to live in ~6 months. [RedState]
• Bill Clinton is so happy and relieved now that people are finally paying attention to his paintings, which he has never previously mentioned or displayed. [Daily Intel]
• A DC bus driver attacked McGruff, the animated crime dog whose career was in large part the inspiration for season one of the Wire. The bus driver thought thought McGruff, who was clearly just fighting crime, was trying to be funny. [DCist]

• Proven untrustworthy Oath of Office-giver Joe Biden was sent to give the Oath of Office to Hillary Clinton. To no one on Earth’s surprise, he also sort of mocked this ceremony by giggling beforehand with reporters and the Clintons, again at the expense of Justice Roberts (the “Caroline Kennedy of Reading Properly.”) [Top of the Ticket]
• Oh Tom Daschle, you cad: Today is ironically the 96th birthday of when the government started collecting income tax! [RedState]
• Another Snow Day for DC school children. They will all spend the day writing letters to Barack Obama in the Washington Post, asking him to shake his Kenyan desert goddess statues for more precipitation. [Hit & Run]
• Obama’s stimulus bill contains secret preservatives that aim to fatten and hasten the ripening of America’s children. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi will wait patiently. [Politico]
• Bill O’Reilly has declared WAR on the New York Times after some editorial called his views on immigration those of “nativism.” But it was only after looking up the definition of “nativism” that he declared this war, for that was the final straw. [Crooks and Liars]

DRAMATIC IRONY, SPECIFICALLY: We saw this tease on the Washington Post website’s front page fifteen minutes ago and are mentally and physically unable to click through. The headline and subhead have transfixed us with this weird numbing sensation. “Symbolism” and “irony” and “Too big to succeed”! How do these fantastical terms and wordplays relate to giving this huge company a bunch of $$$? We must click to find out! Wait. No! We musn’t. It’s better this way, just knowing that the symbolism and irony are out there, somewhere. [WP]

Did you hear? Tom Vilsack, the lovable plain-spoken totalitarian furry who was once our next president until he realized he had no money and no one knew who he was just endorsed Hillary Clinton! This is the first sentence of his email: MORE »

We know Iraq is George W. Bush’s long-delayed personal Vietnam War, but this is getting ridiculous: America actually lost a Marine in Vietnam during Bush’s visit. MIAs in Vietnam again? Let’s rock it Apocalypse Now style!

The missing staff sergeant was a maintenance specialist assigned to the Marine One Presidential Helicopter detail. After a night out drinking with fellow Marines, the specialist “left his hotel on the back of a moped driven by a local national without telling anyone,” a Marine Corps spokeswoman confirmed to ABC News.

Despite his CO “suspecting foul play or terrorism” and shutting down various bars in Hanoi in the frantic search, the Marine was just out partying with a “local national” (hooker) and wasn’t even really AWOL as he was off duty for the night. MORE »

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All right, we’re taking the rest of the day off. NEWS CAN MAKE FUN OF ITSELF, THANK YOU. MORE »