By the Comics Curmudgeon
America might be a land of shouty illiterate fartsacks who will die of massive Hardees-induced coronaries in filthy hospital waiting rooms while trying to fill out insurance forms with numbing fingers, but at least we aren’t Europeans, am I right? I mean, Jesus, think about the awful nadir of degradation it must be, being one of those people. Wait, what, you don’t think Europeans are terrible mutant monsters? Oh, ho ho, do I have news for you, after the jump. MORE »

• David Vitter, who has racked up nearly a billion frequent whore miles, is On The Defensive, as Democrats are criticizing him for his earlier botched attempt to smuggle a bomb in his sneaker on an airplane. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Despite rumors and, arguably, logic to the contrary, embattled RNC Chairman Michael Steele and his little dog too are not going to be ousted! [Ben Smith]
• Seattle Police Chief R. Gil “Copyandpaste” Kerlikowske has been anointed Obama’s new drug czar. And guess what, all those marijuana legalization activists are just terribly upset that their Barry picked a cop for the part of drug czar instead of, uh, a notable marijuana user? [The Caucus]
• Oh good: Hillary Clinton staffers want to assure you that your gal Friday will run again in 2016. [Daily Intel]
• Barack O’Bama is Irish! But according to some “out” Irishpersons, he is hiding his true heritage lest people become confused about his ancestry. Hm. [Gawker]

David Denby, noted fruit-sack, has forever tarnished the name of Ted Kennedy. Once, we all knew Kennedy as a lovable, happy-go-lucky boozebag and a very capable senator. But now when you hear “Ted Kennedy,” you think of a tragically emasculated old invalid suffering the endless indignity of blogger insults. Why did David Denby have to go and do that to Ted Kennedy? MORE »

Researchers have discovered that Barack Obama has some Irish ancestors, and one of them was a wig-maker. This gentleman caroused with all the classiest people available in Dublin in the 1700s, which is probably not saying much. [Independent]

Hey remember this guy? He likes to dance and haul brush, and sometimes he plays basketball with Irish youngsters. We will miss you, President Doofus, and your rad jump shot. [YouTube]

Why wait until tonight to get sick of goddamned St. Patrick’s Day? Do it now! Did you know there are many “Irish songs” on the YouTube dedicated to the “Black Irish” candidacy of Barack “O’bama” Obama? Well, there are! MORE »

Way back in the Fifth Century, Eliot Spitzer took a “white slave” to Ireland. After many years of imprisonment, Little Saint Patrick escaped back to England, which was part of Rome at the time, and he remembered his Irish slavery so fondly that he vowed to return and destroy Paganism. It only took another 1,500 years for Ted Kennedy to drunkenly crash his car off a tiny bridge and drown his girlfriend. Learn more about St. Patrick’s Day, after the jump. MORE »

*BORDER PATROL HEROES SAVE AMERICA FROM HIBERNO-FASCISM!* Proving Tom Tancredo right, a terrorist almost managed to sneak across our porous Mexican border Monday night, except that he was captured and deported by the Border Patrol. Also, he was Irish. Arthur Treacher’s franchisees across the nation breathed a sigh of relief at the foiling of this red-headed menace!

Americans! You’re no doubt mourning the end of Fred Thompson’s “lazy like a lazy, lazy fox” strategy, which was supposed to provide our hottest First Lady since Frances Cleveland! We’re going to have to console ourselves with the sexy (male) spouses of those weird, unpronounceable people the Foreigns chose to lead their Foreign nations. MORE »

The people of Ireland (and the Irish diaspora) were left devastated today by the loss of 450 kegs of beer to a cunning, but heartless Dublin thief. The unidentified bogarter drove his truck up to a fully loaded trailer of kegs at the Guinness brewery and drove off into the dark Irish night. In a small bit of good news, the bastard only got 180 kegs of the good stuff but was saddled with 180 kegs of Bud and 90 of Carlsberg. Wonkette editor John Clarke denied all involvement in the theft but shed a manly tear. [Boston.com]

Over in Ireland, it’s apparently legal to bet any amount on anything at any time, a fact that presumably allows people to deal with the centuries of British oppression and, of course, the recent ban on smoking in pubs. One Irish bookmaker, named “Paddy Power” (it’s OK for Irish people to use the “p word”, but NOT YOU SASANACH), was taking bets on the next high-profile American to be arrested, and was giving 14-to-1 odds on “Al Gore.” MORE »