A very brave man once stood up in a press conference and took off his shoes one at a time and threw them at the President of America, who nimbly ducked because he still has the reflexes of a regular cocaine user. This shoe-throwing fellow was promptly taken to an Iraqi jail, where he was probably beaten, and now he will be tried for, let’s see, “aggression against a foreign head of state” on the very last day of the year. Translation: Muntadar al-Zaidi will be locked in a coffin of live rats and shipped to Dick Cheney’s basement at the Naval Observatory, where the Vice President will spend his New Year’s Eve skinning and stuffing the hapless Iraqi, who will become the latest addition to his growing collection of large mammal specimens. MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, everybody, did you hear about what happened in Iraq this week? Obviously, I’m not talking about the carnage and the death, because the “surge” is “working” and the daily levels of terrible violence there have subsided to a point that is only a dozen times worse than anything any American civilian has ever experienced, instead of a million times worse. No, I’m talking about that Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at our beloved lame duck president! MORE »

Here’s our first glimpse of icy sex goddess Dana Perino back at her beloved White House perch, only a couple of days after an Iraqi microphone socked her in the eye amidst what reporters have called a “melee.” Also, the wealthy New York blog Gawker has posted an excellent AP photo of the battered mouthpiece at her most vulnerable, so go look at that too. [YouTube, Gawker]

So the members of lefty protest group Code Pink were watching the YouTube of the Iraqi journalist chucking his shoes at shifty George Bush and realized, “OMG, why didn’t we think of that first?” And voila, press release! A forthcoming event! MORE »

Nice dodge on the first shoe, President George! What the hell? And ha ha, Dana Perino got a black eye from a black microphone who later carved “I” — for Iraq! — into her butt cheek, because of Obama. [YouTube]

Several years ago, Hillary Clinton’s shadowy cabal whispered to every known news agency that she, Hillary Clinton, would be secretary of state for Obama, making her the first white lady to be secretary of state in eight years! This historical appointment was almost ruined by Hillary’s terrible “husband,” who did not want to reveal the names of donors to his special foundation dedicated to flying Bill around on a jet full of booze and broads. MORE »

Finally, the October Surprise! (Ashley Todd’s cut-nut negroid fantasies were in no way worthy of the title.) We have a war, of sorts, in Syria! Who knows why or anything. It’s the Kissinger Doctrine all over again: Just bomb shit, everywhere, whenever you feel like it. Who’s gonna stop you, HEHNGHH? MORE »

John McCain has selected someone to head his — get this — “White House transition team,” and of course the person is an old corrupt Washington lobbyist, so basically JOHN MCCAIN IS PAYING THE LOBBYISTS MONEY FOR SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T EXIST. But! More Scandal! This terrible lobbyist is one William Timmons, a famous goat warlock from Narnia. (Or was that Tumnus? Whatever, they are all hobbits from fantasy closets.) He was also best friends with Saddam Hussein forever, until John McCain killed Saddam Hussein on a cellphone video several years ago. MORE »

And now we fight into the third and final round of this hellish battle between the Black Knight and the jabbering old goon. Not very exciting, is it? Is the idea to keep Barry from offending anyone? Well, mission accomplished. Let’s get some bloodshed! Red meat! Eh, no, it’s a debate. Always boring, terrible, and oh lord of allah there is another half hour of this, let’s go. (Here is the Pre-Game and Part I and Part II.) MORE »

While FBI and Secret Service agents continue to investigate how Sarah Palin could be so retarded as to choose “Wasilla high” as the answer to her “Forgot your password?” question on Yahoo! e-mail, another (less important) “hacking” has rocked America’s most placid colony, Iraq. The website of Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, the most powerful ever Shia cleric, has been pillaged by a gang of rascally Internet teenagers called “Group XP,” named to honor their favorite version of Microsoft Windows. The hackers have posted on their conquered site a YouTube of Bill Maher mocking the Ayatollah. WE BET THE AYATOLLAH WILL THINK THIS PRANK IS FUNNY AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF. [Colorado Independent]

Yes, America, this for sure is the relatable, spunky mom with small-town values who we want to be president after John McCain dies his third week in office: the one who blames the attacks of September 11 on Iraq. This puts her in a very exclusive club of exactly two, the other member being Dick Cheney, and together they are the only two humans left on earth willing to say with a straight face that there was a link between Iraq and Al Qaeda before 9/11. MORE »