Tag Archives: iran

  clipbait

Jon Stewart Returns From Long Weekend, Finds Out We’re Going To War Again (Video)

Jon Stewart: Wartime anchor mode
Jon Stewart got back from the Toronto film Festival and found out from cable TV that America’s ready to go to war again. So he immediately transitioned to “network anchor war footing” by putting on the largest Old Glory lapel pin possible. He’s ready! This time, the bad guys are ISIS, and darn it, they’re just the worst: Read more on Jon Stewart Returns From Long Weekend, Finds Out We’re Going To War Again (Video)…
  And At That Time A Friend Shall Lose His Friend's Hammer

Pat Robertson Pretty Jazzed About How ISIS Terrorists Are Pulling End Times Prophecy Together

She looks like she's calculating how long it would take to reach the emergency exit
ISIS is a bunch of unstoppable murderous thugs trying to drag the Middle East into a New Medieval Order, and Pat Robertson couldn’t be more tickled by the prospect. You see, children, Brother Pat is excited by their goal of unifying Iraq, Syria, and chunks of Egypt into a radical Islamist caliphate, because he’s pretty sure that would fulfill a prophecy from Isaiah 19: Read more on Pat Robertson Pretty Jazzed About How ISIS Terrorists Are Pulling End Times Prophecy Together…
  the old man loves my ass

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Where Mistakes Were Made

This week we’ll start wrapping up the Glorious Reagan Years, in which the Gipper personally defeated Communism almost everywhere by Standing Tall and being the manliest. And for a change, on the topic of Afghanistan at least, it’s our 11/12th-grade history textbook from Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools (2002), that manages to tell bigger lies than our text for 8th graders, America: Land I Love (A Beka, 2006). Way to go Bob Jones U! We knew you could do it! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks Where Mistakes Were Made…
  Clap Along

Iran Will Protect All Citizens From Crime Of People Dancing To Pharrell Williams’s ‘Happy’

You love dancing to Pharrell Williams’s criminally ubiquitous song, “Happy.” Venerable civil rights hero John Lewis loves dancing to “Happy.” People all over the world love dancing to “Happy” and posting videos doing it. However, it is not cool to be Happy in Iran, even though Iran thinks it is all about that non-censorship life. Read more on Iran Will Protect All Citizens From Crime Of People Dancing To Pharrell Williams’s ‘Happy’…
  worst omission: neither book mentions disco

Sundays With The Christianists: Ineffectual American History Textbooks That Meant Well

Never mind the post-2000 copyright dates on our two U.S. history textbooks aimed at the rightwing Christian school and homeschool market. The most important thing you need to know about them is that they are very much products of the explosion of Christian Right publishing that arose while Ronald Reagan was president and the Moral Majority was still a going concern. It shows, especially in the books’ discussion of the weakest, most pathetic President of the United States, or indeed any president in the universe, James Earl Carter. Reading these books, you almost get the feeling that they’re still trying to get Reagan elected. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Ineffectual American History Textbooks That Meant Well…
  rapture of the derp

Michele Bachmann So Disappointed American Jews Don’t Recognize That Obama Is The Antichrist

Like a lot of your rightwing fundagelicals, Michele Bachmann is a big believer in the old Chick tract “Support Your Local Jew,” so she knows that the most important country in the world, next to maybe America, is Israel, because that’s where Jesus will come to end the world. And so if Israel is unhappy about an American policy, that’s not just international politics, that’s an affront to God. Which explains why ol’ Crazy Eyes is especially ticked at American Jews for not recognizing the self-evident truth that Barack Obama is bad for the Jews. You see, Obama went and reached a preliminary nuclear deal with Iran, and then he went and manage to convince Congress not to vote for any new sanctions on Iran while negotiators try to reach a permanent deal. This did not sit well with Michele Bachmann, protector of Israel — in fact, it’s a chaleria that so many Jews voted for the gonif. Read more on Michele Bachmann So Disappointed American Jews Don’t Recognize That Obama Is The Antichrist…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  still illegal in virginia

The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013

Like most years when there’s a Democrat in the White House, 2013 was a year of things getting rammed, crammed, jammed, shoved, and/or forced down our (America’s) throats. How big were the things? So big. Were they hard to swallow? Oh yes. But somehow, freedom will endure, we guess. Here is a list of 13 tyrannies that made patriots gag in 2013: Read more on The Thirteen Greatest Achievements In Throat Cramming Of 2013…
  Uranium? I Hardly Know 'Em

Your Handy Wonkette Guide To How You Should Feel About The Iran Nuclear Deal

This weekend, Iran and the five permanent members of the UN Security Council plus Germany (P5+1 if you like things that look like math) struck a preliminary deal under which Iran will do less nuclear stuff in exchange for everyone being less mean to them with sanctions. CNN has a decent explainer in listicle form (THANK GOD) as well as the full text of the agreement. Of course, as with any multilateral nuclear agreement, the most important thing is how does it make you feel? This stuff is complicated, but yr Wonkette is here to help. Just tell us Who are you? and we’ll tell you your opinion. Read more on Your Handy Wonkette Guide To How You Should Feel About The Iran Nuclear Deal…
  bulk-rate persecution on aisle six

Costco Persecuting All The Christians Again, Labels Book About Talking Snake Handing Out Fruit As ‘Fiction’

Uh-oh, you guys. It looks like Costco has made White American Jesus shed some tears from his shiny, manly blue eyes. In an obvious move to persecute Christians, Costco set up a lion pit and began throwing Christians into it. Not really, because that would actually be persecution. Rather, Costco accidentally labeled some Bibles as fiction. But not all Costcos — just one store in California. Clearly, there are only two options to rectify this: repeal Obamacare or INPEACH Costco. Probably both, to be on the safe side. Logic, bitches.  Read more on Costco Persecuting All The Christians Again, Labels Book About Talking Snake Handing Out Fruit As ‘Fiction’…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth

Hi, Wonkaloonies! Yr Doktor Zoom really enjoyed “sleeping in” this week! But we are back from vacation now, and ready for another Derp Roundup, our weekly Sloppy Joe of news trimmings that were too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite enough to make a full post out of. We have to use ‘em before they start to turn. Verily, this is the Arby-Q of Wonket posts. We’ll start off with the tale of Petr Pavlensky, a Russian “conceptual artist” who won’t be conceiving anything for a little while now, since he went and nailed his nutsack to the cobbles of Red Square to protest…um… well, we thought it was to protest the imprisonment of Pussy Riot, but no, for that, he sewed his mouth shut. This time he sat down in front of Lenin’s Mausoleum and pounded a large nail through his scrotum into the pavement. Pavlensky explained in a post-arrest statement that the nut-nailing “can be seen as a metaphor for the apathy, political indifference and fatalism of contemporary Russian society.” It’s nice when you’re able to combine your hobbies with your activism. Gawker notes that police used “a claw hammer” to bring the protest to an abrupt end (yes, we just felt several hundred of you wince). Efficient, but wouldn’t poetic justice have been better served with a ball peen hammer? Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Dose of Dumbth…
  A regular Walter Winchell this one

White House Staffer Fancies Himself Another Wonkette, Now Has Plenty Of Time To Prove It

It looks as if beloved “comedian” and derp volcano Steve Crowder is not the only hacky jokester hitting the unemployment line this week. Yesterday a reporter for the latest casualty in Tina Brown’s long war against successful media properties broke the news that the White House has fired one Jofi Joseph for the crime of being a total smartass on Twitter. Hey Jofi, you should really leave that kind of bold career to professionals like Wonkette. Jofi had what sounds like an important job. He was a director of the nuclear non-proliferation staff of the National Security Council, where he worked on negotiating with Iran over its nuclear program. In his spare time, he apparently liked to blow off steam by going all Mean Girls on Beltway figures. Jofi’s tweets, posted under the handle @natsecwonk (he deleted the account last week), read like what the Heathers would have written if they had all survived high school and moved to D.C. to work as Congressional aides. Naturally, people inside the Beltway loved it. Read more on White House Staffer Fancies Himself Another Wonkette, Now Has Plenty Of Time To Prove It…
  we hold these talking points to be self-evident

Salon Explores The Mind Of Congressman John ‘Let’s Roll’ Culberson, Finds Rust And Spiders (Updated)

The other day we brought you the story of Texas Congresscritter John Culberson, who fired up House Republicans as they voted to kill Obamacare by cheering, “I said, like 9/11, ‘Let’s roll!’” After all, if you don’t rush the terrorists and crash the plane, people might get used to having health insurance, which means the terrorists win. Salon’s Josh Eidelson managed to get 15 minutes on the phone with Culberson, and shares a verbatim transcript of the conversation. It’s worth reading the whole wretched thing, but here are a few highlights from the mind of a man who is very fond of “facts,” which speak for themselves and do not need any spin. Read more on Salon Explores The Mind Of Congressman John ‘Let’s Roll’ Culberson, Finds Rust And Spiders (Updated)…
  Didn't we already deja this vu?

Bill Kristol: Bomb Syria So We Can Bomb Iran So We Can ‘Constructively Criticize’ The President For Doing It All Wrong

Oh, hello, William Kristol, who never met a thing you weren’t completely wrong about. Have you finished sobbing about your laughably recent discovery that Sarah Palin probably does not have a future in politics? Terrific, because we are just dying to know your thoughts on whether we should bomb the ever-lovin’ everything out of Syria. Wait, wait, don’t tell us, let us guess. Is it … “Yes, bomb them to death and then let’s bomb all the other countries to death too for good measure and also Obama sucks”? We bet it is! Let’s see if we are right. To whet our appetites, please open your column with something stupid. Something like this: The statesmanlike case for voting Yes on the congressional resolution to use force against the Assad regime has been made widely and well by conservative foreign policy thinkers. At the end, the case boils down to this: As a policy matter, a Yes vote may be problematic in all kinds of ways. But a No vote would likely be disastrous for the nation in very clear ways. Yes, that will do nicely. Because it’s definitely the “conservative foreign policy thinkers” who have made the case for war on Syria. Like limp-dicked pill-popping gasbag Rush Limbaugh, who so persuaded us with his argument that the White House probably plotted the whole chemical weapons attack thing in Syria to make it look like it was Assad, but it was really Barzini, er, Obama all along. To the mattresses! Read more on Bill Kristol: Bomb Syria So We Can Bomb Iran So We Can ‘Constructively Criticize’ The President For Doing It All Wrong…
  first make a searching and fearless moral inventory

CIA Admits It Waterboarded Noam Chomsky At Area 51 While Planning Iran Coup

You guys, what is even up here? The CIA is now admitting, after 60 years, oh yeah, we totally coup’d Iran. This comes on the heels of its admission that it had been domestic-spying Noam Chomsky back in the ’80s, because of all the terrible danger he posed as … well, as a linguist. Read more on CIA Admits It Waterboarded Noam Chomsky At Area 51 While Planning Iran Coup…
  Cops Of The World

Hell Is Other Countries: Sarin In Syria, A New Man In Iran

Our ten-foot pole has arrived, which means we are finally ready to touch the dual shitstorms of Syria and Iran! The latest news on Syria is that our duly-elected warlord, Field Marshal B. Barry Bamz, has decided to steer a middle course of moar gunz, but not-too-big gunz, for the Free Syrian Army. This decision comes partly in response to recent confirmation that the Assad regime used chemical weapons, including sarin gas, against rebels. That means Assad crossed a “red line” without even buying a home in a white neighborhood, so we pretty much had to do guns on Syria, because “Superpowers don’t bluff” is a thing that Tony Blinken, some kinda war dude, reportedly said to Obama. No word on whether Winken and Nod concurred, nor whether they were actually just acting out a scene from The West Wing, because how pithy! Read more on Hell Is Other Countries: Sarin In Syria, A New Man In Iran…
  hey dad you're in jail

Arkansas GOP Hero Proposes Hilarious Amendment To Put Liz Cheney In Jail

We all have family members who are fuck-ups, right? Uncle Larry who gives a creepy smile to the 14-year-old cousins at the family reunion, or Aunt Peg who has four DUIs. Back in Biblical times, the sins of family were sometimes used to punish innocent people. But that was long ago when people still believed that talking snakes handed out fruit at Eden’s Downtown Organic Farmer’s Market. We have evolved beyond such silly notions as “visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation,” because we all know that the only part of the Old Testament that matters is the part about teh gays’ unnatural sexytimes and how they should be stoned to death because ewwww. Well, the world’s worst Constitutional lawyer and elected member of Congress (HOWWW?!?!?!) Rep. Todd Cotton (R-Stoopid) is trying bring back the good ol’ days and find ways to punish family members for no other reason that being related to someone who breaks the law. Rep. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) on Wednesday introduced legislation that would “automatically” punish family members of people who violate U.S. sanctions against Iran, levying sentences of up to 20 years in prison. Yes, you read that correctly – 20 years in the slammer because you are related to someone who violated sanctions against Iran. (So sorry, Liz Cheney!) Isn’t there some sort of really old document written about 200 years ago and worshiped by Teabaggers that might, maybe, kinda have something to say about that? Yes, in fact, there are about a GAZILLION FUCKING REASONS why this is awful and unconstitutional, so let’s wonksplain why. Read more on Arkansas GOP Hero Proposes Hilarious Amendment To Put Liz Cheney In Jail…
  it's the end of the world as we know it

We Cry Real Tears As Pat Buchanan Sounds Reasonable, World Ends

It is with heavy heart yr Wonkette pens this post. Yes, the time is nigh, Wonkfriends. We’ve been so sure the end times were approaching, and now they are here. Today, the world as we know it ends with the most pathetic whimper ever, wherein yr Wonkette is forced to agree with Pat Buchanan: Read more on We Cry Real Tears As Pat Buchanan Sounds Reasonable, World Ends…
  Touch Monkeys

Earth’s Sentient Population Urges John McCain To Just Shut The Hell Up Already, Please

Poor dumb (clueless? Nahh, definitely dumb) old man John “That One” McCain simply does not see why anyone is making a fuss over his simple little joke calling Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a monkey, because for god’s sake, people, it is a JOKE and also did you notice that Iran is our enemy? And it’s always OK to call the enemy a monkey, so will you all just LIGHTEN UP, people! It is not racist to call a dirty foreign leader a monkey, also, look at all the people comparing George Bush to a chimp, dammit you people I didn’t spend FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in a slope gook dink POW camp to put up with being called a racist! Read more on Earth’s Sentient Population Urges John McCain To Just Shut The Hell Up Already, Please…
  evildoers

Chuck Hagel Loves Terrorism Like Al Jazeera Loves Beheading People

Rick Santorum has some thoughts you guys, and apparently they are so important he cannot even save them for his “exclusive” gig at WND, columnizing alongside folks who think the Supreme Court Chief Justice should be impeached for swearing in whats-his-name, the black guy. Here are Rick Santorum’s babies of his brain: Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Defense, former Republican senator Chuck Hagel, loves terrorism. He wants to marry terrorism, and make little satan-butt-babies with terrorism, and they will name their satan-butt-baby “Joe.” Read more on Chuck Hagel Loves Terrorism Like Al Jazeera Loves Beheading People…
  very serious people

Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway

Listen you guys. We know that you were looking forward to retiring at 67, but we just can’t have that because if we do, Iran will get a nuclear weapon and blow us up. This is the ACTUAL ARGUMENT that “Security Analyst” Robert Kagan is making in the Washington Post, so do not laugh (yet) because this is apparently not meant to be funny. It is meant to be a Serious plea for us stupid liberals to be reasonable and compromise with John Boehner in the upcoming “fiscal cliff” negotiations, because if we don’t, Iranians will come kill us and it will be ALL OUR FAULT for refusing to eat cat food and to continue working till we are dead. Read more on Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway…
  is acme corp violating un sactions?

Netanyahu: Iran Almost Capable Of Building A Cartoon Bomb

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has an MBA and worked for a consulting firm before getting involved in Israeli politics, so he knows a little something about livening up a boring presentation with graphics. Unfortunately the fuddy-duddies at the U.N. nixed his innovative PowerPoint idea, or maybe their projector didn’t have the right port for him to plug his laptop into (Thunderbolt is the new hotness, guys, get with the program), so he had to use this drawing of a comical cartoon bomb, of the sort that Wiley E. Coyote would use on the Road Runner, instead. If you were the underling tasked with Israeli U.N. presentation graphic design, what icon would you have used? Some suggestions, after the jump! Read more on Netanyahu: Iran Almost Capable Of Building A Cartoon Bomb…