Tag Archives: iran

  hey dad you're in jail

Arkansas GOP Hero Proposes Hilarious Amendment To Put Liz Cheney In Jail

We all have family members who are fuck-ups, right? Uncle Larry who gives a creepy smile to the 14-year-old cousins at the family reunion, or Aunt Peg who has four DUIs. Back in Biblical times, the sins of family were sometimes used to punish innocent people. But that was long ago when people still believed that talking snakes handed out fruit at Eden’s Downtown Organic Farmer’s Market. We have evolved beyond such silly notions as “visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation,” because we all know that the only part of the Old Testament that matters is the part about teh gays’ unnatural sexytimes and how they should be stoned to death because ewwww. Well, the world’s worst Constitutional lawyer and elected member of Congress (HOWWW?!?!?!) Rep. Todd Cotton (R-Stoopid) is trying bring back the good ol’ days and find ways to punish family members for no other reason that being related to someone who breaks the law. Rep. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) on Wednesday introduced legislation that would “automatically” punish family members of people who violate U.S. sanctions against Iran, levying sentences of up to 20 years in prison. Yes, you read that correctly – 20 years in the slammer because you are related to someone who violated sanctions against Iran. (So sorry, Liz Cheney!) Isn’t there some sort of really old document written about 200 years ago and worshiped by Teabaggers that might, maybe, kinda have something to say about that? Yes, in fact, there are about a GAZILLION FUCKING REASONS why this is awful and unconstitutional, so let’s wonksplain why. Read more on Arkansas GOP Hero Proposes Hilarious Amendment To Put Liz Cheney In Jail…
  it's the end of the world as we know it

We Cry Real Tears As Pat Buchanan Sounds Reasonable, World Ends

It is with heavy heart yr Wonkette pens this post. Yes, the time is nigh, Wonkfriends. We’ve been so sure the end times were approaching, and now they are here. Today, the world as we know it ends with the most pathetic whimper ever, wherein yr Wonkette is forced to agree with Pat Buchanan: Read more on We Cry Real Tears As Pat Buchanan Sounds Reasonable, World Ends…
  Touch Monkeys

Earth’s Sentient Population Urges John McCain To Just Shut The Hell Up Already, Please

Poor dumb (clueless? Nahh, definitely dumb) old man John “That One” McCain simply does not see why anyone is making a fuss over his simple little joke calling Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a monkey, because for god’s sake, people, it is a JOKE and also did you notice that Iran is our enemy? And it’s always OK to call the enemy a monkey, so will you all just LIGHTEN UP, people! It is not racist to call a dirty foreign leader a monkey, also, look at all the people comparing George Bush to a chimp, dammit you people I didn’t spend FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in a slope gook dink POW camp to put up with being called a racist! Read more on Earth’s Sentient Population Urges John McCain To Just Shut The Hell Up Already, Please…
  evildoers

Chuck Hagel Loves Terrorism Like Al Jazeera Loves Beheading People

Rick Santorum has some thoughts you guys, and apparently they are so important he cannot even save them for his “exclusive” gig at WND, columnizing alongside folks who think the Supreme Court Chief Justice should be impeached for swearing in whats-his-name, the black guy. Here are Rick Santorum’s babies of his brain: Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Defense, former Republican senator Chuck Hagel, loves terrorism. He wants to marry terrorism, and make little satan-butt-babies with terrorism, and they will name their satan-butt-baby “Joe.” Read more on Chuck Hagel Loves Terrorism Like Al Jazeera Loves Beheading People…
  very serious people

Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway

Listen you guys. We know that you were looking forward to retiring at 67, but we just can’t have that because if we do, Iran will get a nuclear weapon and blow us up. This is the ACTUAL ARGUMENT that “Security Analyst” Robert Kagan is making in the Washington Post, so do not laugh (yet) because this is apparently not meant to be funny. It is meant to be a Serious plea for us stupid liberals to be reasonable and compromise with John Boehner in the upcoming “fiscal cliff” negotiations, because if we don’t, Iranians will come kill us and it will be ALL OUR FAULT for refusing to eat cat food and to continue working till we are dead. Read more on Washington Post: Work Till You Are Dead Or Iran Will Kill You Anyway…
  is acme corp violating un sactions?

Netanyahu: Iran Almost Capable Of Building A Cartoon Bomb

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has an MBA and worked for a consulting firm before getting involved in Israeli politics, so he knows a little something about livening up a boring presentation with graphics. Unfortunately the fuddy-duddies at the U.N. nixed his innovative PowerPoint idea, or maybe their projector didn’t have the right port for him to plug his laptop into (Thunderbolt is the new hotness, guys, get with the program), so he had to use this drawing of a comical cartoon bomb, of the sort that Wiley E. Coyote would use on the Road Runner, instead. If you were the underling tasked with Israeli U.N. presentation graphic design, what icon would you have used? Some suggestions, after the jump! Read more on Netanyahu: Iran Almost Capable Of Building A Cartoon Bomb…
  middle east mittens

Mitt Romney’s Slaphappy Israel Party: A Roundup

Mitt Romney had mondo problems winning over the British on the first leg of his diplomatic photo-op vacation, so you know what? Screw the “Special Relationship.” Israel is now more special-er to the United States Empire than England ever was, harumph, so that’s where Mitt Romney spent his last couple of days before jetting off to Poland. Oh, he saw the Western Wall, and some Israeli leaders, and stuff, and oh man, it’s so much better than… it’s just that England… grrr… England is stupid. What did Mitt Romney love the most about Israel? Read more on Mitt Romney’s Slaphappy Israel Party: A Roundup…
  today in death robots

Underwater German Deathbots To Keep Sweet, Sweet Crude A-Bubblin’

The realpolitik wunderkinds in charge of Iran have been threatening for awhile now to respond to a Western boycott on their oil by cutting off access to ALL the oil, but now the loose-lipped traitors at Nobama’s Pentagon have let it slip that the U.S. Navy is globally forcing some good into what they call the “Arabian Gulf” in the form of underwater death robots. Death robots made in Germany that cost as much as a Porsche, in case you thought they weren’t really serious about it. Read more on Underwater German Deathbots To Keep Sweet, Sweet Crude A-Bubblin’…
  it's either him or john bolton

Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera

Oh, man, this is what happens when Donald Trump reads the liberal media! It just reaffirms all of his most terrifying fever-dreams. For instance, the New York Times reports that Barack Obama is implementing a policy of containment and saber-rattling against Iran, which is pretty much the same policy that George W. Bush engaged in (once he stopped listening to Cheney’s pleas for more carnage) and will almost certainly be the policy that President Romney would engage in (despite the fact that he has to promise to all the crazies while he’s running that he’ll kill as many Iranians as possible). But noted foreign policy expert Donald Trump knows that Obama’s motivations are different from Bush and Romney’s. They are focused entirely on winning the 2012 election, which is why we must start hugging the Iranian leadership in an act of peace and love and understanding right now, to prevent Obama from being re-elected in November. Read more on Donald Trump To Build Garish Condos On Iranian Riviera…
  terrorism forever

Who’s Hanging Out With The Iranian Terrorist Group Now?

Every big- and middle-name Democrat and Republican loves raking in fees to speak to the exiled Iranian Marxist guerilla group MEK, an official member of the State Department’s terrorist group list that also happens to hate the current Iranian regime. This seems pretty illegal, but hey, maybe we just love the Ayatollah and Ahmadinejad too much to see the legality of it all. Now let’s meet an additional two faces who’ve been providing support to this official terrorist group recently: Newt Gingrich and columnist Clarence Page! Read more on Who’s Hanging Out With The Iranian Terrorist Group Now?…
  also princess peach must cover her whorish face

Iranians Creating Really Boring Video Game About Salman Rushdie

You guys, the Iranian government is still super mad about Salman Rushdie bad-mouthing the Prophet Muhammed, 25 years ago! But since Ayatollah Khomeini’s death sentence against him continues to not be carried out, what can they do to get the kids interested in violent intimidation of literary blasphemy? Hmm, the kids love the video games, right? The thing you hook up to the TV and use to make the Crusader/Zionist plumbers jump on top of turtles or whatever? What if we turned this whole Salman Rushdie business into one of these video games, and gave it an awesome name like … “The Stressful Life of Salman Rushdie and Implementation of his Verdict”? That is an amazing title, but we’re afraid that it contains the making of what might be the dullest video game of all time. Read more on Iranians Creating Really Boring Video Game About Salman Rushdie…
  in the navy

Iran’s Navy Saves American Ship From Pirates, We Are All Best Friends Now Hooray!

The Iranian Navy says it saved an American ship from pirates, all ‘Unhand that frigate, villeins! What ho, tea, chappie, lorries, Madge, the sun never sets on the British Empire,’ or something, whatever, arrrr. So now we can all be best friends forever! Yay Iran! Yay us! An Iranian warship responded to a distress signal from the US-flagged Maersk Texas, a cargo ship of 150 metres (500 feet) and 14,000 tonnes, which was besieged by “several pirate boats,” the navy said in a statement reported by the official IRNA news agency. The pirates “fled the scene as soon as they spotted the presence” of the warship. Maersk Texas “thanked the Iranian navy and sailed towards its destination safely,” it added. Read more on Iran’s Navy Saves American Ship From Pirates, We Are All Best Friends Now Hooray!…
  down on k street

Senior Officials, K Street: Terrorist Group Is Nice Now, Everybody!

Your Wonkette has been kept awake at night, dear readers, upon learning that national treasures like official mayor-of-all-things 9/11 Rudolph Guiliani, former attorney general Michael Mukasey, former intelligence official Michael V. Haydn, and a bunch of very important K-street lobbying firms were under investigation due to their advocacy for the terrorist group Mujahedeen Khalq (or MEK). Luckily, however, the federal investigation of MEK bypassed K-street lobbyists in March and now, rather than indict anyone for materially supporting terror, the state department appears ready to do the Right Thing and take the MeK off the list of terrorist groups. Read more on Senior Officials, K Street: Terrorist Group Is Nice Now, Everybody!…
  pansies

Treasonous, Cowardly, Un-American Troops Favor Obama By Seven

Get out your Purple Heart bandages, because it is once again time to remind the American people that The Troops are a bunch of lazy, cowardly, treasonous, unpatriotic, un-American, Kenyan-Socialist-Communist whiners. If the election were held today, Obama would win the veteran vote by as much as seven points over Romney, higher than his margin in the general population. The fuck you say! It is almost like soldiers are expressing anger at the toll of a decade of war, questioning the legitimacy of George W. Bush’s Iraq invasion, and worrying that the surge in Afghanistan won’t make a difference in the long run! (And also: don’t really have a hard-on for #WARRING with Iran!) Read more on Treasonous, Cowardly, Un-American Troops Favor Obama By Seven…
  but in my arms she was always lolita

Iranian Diplomat Too Sexy For Pre-Teens He Fondled In Public Pool

Is it just us, or is it kind of ick-nast that an Iranian diplomat posted in Brasilia fondled and groped at least four girls between the ages of 9 and 15 in a public swimming pool? It must be just us: The Iranians have called him home, but totes not for the fondling. No, it was because he shouldn’t have been at a mixed-sex swimming pool in the first place, because men can’t control their urges when they see bare ankles and wrists and the next thing you know they are molesting all the prepubescents, that is just SCIENCE, OBVS. Haha Muslins and whatnot, SO FUNNY LOLS! Read more on Iranian Diplomat Too Sexy For Pre-Teens He Fondled In Public Pool…
  kicks are for yids

Silly Jewishes, War Criminal Congressman Allen West Knows What Is Best For You (War)

Did you know that there are Jewish people who sometimes think that Israel is wrong — and some of those Jewish people actually live there? Also there is a group of liberal Jews* (what? Shut yo mouth!) in New York mostly, who do liberal things, like want peace, which is kind of a Jewish tradition. (Also: socialism and kugel.) But war criminal and Florida Congressman Allen West is having none of that! He knows what is best for Israel and its Jewishes, and that is never-ending war. Read more on Silly Jewishes, War Criminal Congressman Allen West Knows What Is Best For You (War)…
  bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb iran

Rand Paul Turns Down Veep Slot to Marry True Love (Iran)

Well looks like someone has decided not to fight Marco Rubio to the death for the chance to be the losing vice presidential nominee of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Rand Paul ibn Ron has now totally taken everyone’s war ball and gone home. Rand Paul is not going to let you just unanimously consent to “sanctions” against the Ayatollah (is he still there? It is still 1979, right?) should he or they or whomever is now in charge decide to get them a nookular bomb and rain hellfire from the skies, as is their right as a sovereign nation. But why won’t Rand Paul consent to “sanctions”? Because sanctions are war. So now Rand Paul is the most powerful Chomskyite on the planet. Read more on Rand Paul Turns Down Veep Slot to Marry True Love (Iran)…
  musta been a typo

Obama Wishes Iranians Happy New Year, Forgets To Declare War

What is this, Barack Obama wishing the Iranian people a pleasant Nowruz, or Persian New Year? That is not very warlike, Barack Obama. Haven’t you been reading Tha Newz lately? We read this mostly as a “please enjoy your holiday in spite of the intransigent nuts who run your government” message — who couldn’t relate to that? — sprinkled with a bit of “and also sorry about those sanctions but seriously your government really sucks” subtext. As a consolation prize, Obama offers you in return that “The United States will continue to draw attention to the electronic curtain that is cutting the Iranian people off from the world.” Sort of like China, except that the U.S. government is actually bothered by mass censoring of the Internet in your case, Iran. But is that really the issue, Fox Nation commenter dingbats? Let’s have a policy debate! Read more on Obama Wishes Iranians Happy New Year, Forgets To Declare War…
  a nation's questions get answers

Reporters To Obama: War War War War War War Now War?

Reporters at today’s White House press conference opened their dialogue with the president on a familiar topic: War: When are we having it, and can we have it now. WAR. Also, why don’t you ever visit Israel you horrible anti-Semite? And what about war? Meanwhile, Fox News’ Ed Henry, who one time wrote the worst article in American history, wanted to know about war war war war war… perhaps you understand how the opening of this press conference went, yes? Well Obama simply “pivoted” to calling Mitt Romney a loser in response, so everything worked out. Read more on Reporters To Obama: War War War War War War Now War?…
  mullah mitt

Traitor Mitt Romney Helping Iran Destroy Israel, Says Ex-Mossad Chief

One thing the Republican presidential candidates love to do is talk about how they will bomb each and every Islamic Person, because the Islamic Persons might be plotting something against Israel, which is the only patriotic country outside of America’s borders, because of the greatest American Action Hero, a mythological Jewish mystic who lived (?) in the region two-thousand years ago. But Mitt Romney is so bad at pretending to be a right-wing zealot that he even screwed up the Threatening Iran section of his campaign lies PowerPoint Presentation. Now the actual former chief spy of the Mossad — the super-spy bosses of Israel — says Mitt Romney is screwing it up for Israel, by telling the Persian Demons exactly what a President Mitt Romney would do, if he somehow became president. Read more on Traitor Mitt Romney Helping Iran Destroy Israel, Says Ex-Mossad Chief…
  impending death plans

Iran’s Stubborn Refusal To Start Building Nukes Hindering Fun War Plans

Here’s a typical variation on the same disturbing/hilarious lede that we see every few months, each time rendering satire useless: “Reporting from Washington— As U.S. and Israeli officials talk publicly about the prospect of a military strike against Iran’s nuclear program, one fact is often overlooked: U.S. intelligence agencies don’t believe Iran is actively trying to build an atomic bomb.” Eh, minor caveat. [LAT] Read more on Iran’s Stubborn Refusal To Start Building Nukes Hindering Fun War Plans…
  'what's his beef with the free market?'

What Strange Terrorist Ads Will Air During Tonight’s Debate?

Are you one of those humans who watches the Super Bowl “for the commercials,” which are always uniformly terrible? This is why those of us who live in Washington watch presidential debates! Oh the interest groups, they love buying DC ad time during hilarious presidential debates. There’s usually an Israel Project/AIPAC thing about how scared we’d feel if Maryland or Virginia wanted to nuke its neighbor, an energy trade group’s spiel about how we need to blast water at underground rocks, a Pete Peterson Institute series in which smarmy elementary school children explain why we need to dismantle Social Security, and others. The best, though, is this cheap sketchy one from lobbyists who are trying to get the exiled-Iranian terrorist group MEK taken off the State Department’s official list of terrorist groups, for the sole reason that MEK doesn’t like the current Iranian government either. Why is this always on the TV? Read more on What Strange Terrorist Ads Will Air During Tonight’s Debate?…