Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like! MORE »

So Iowa is underwater forever, and to the nation’s shock, FEMA has sent out emergency response teams — to help! This is only the second time in world history that FEMA has helped anyone, the other being the time they released that “How To Deal With Satellites That Crash Into Your Skull” manual. Perhaps they could create a follow-up manual now called “How To Deal With FEMA Emergency Contractors Who Arbitrarily Beat The Shit Out Of You With Golf Clubs, In Iowa, After Trying To Hit You With Their Cars.” Because! An Incident! MORE »

Like a full goddamn week after Jesus flooded the entirety of Iowa, President George W. Bush will travel to our heartland to view the devastation today, and he will patriotically not play golf. But there’s a problem for the Republicans here: John McCain will also be looking at floods in Iowa today. Shit! You see, it’s extremely important to John McCain’s reputation as a Maverick Independent Hero that he not look at flooded homes with the president, because of Iraq. Alas, the McCain campaign fears that its flood-navigating canoes might intersect with Bush’s flood-navigating canoes, in Iowa, and the resulting paddle-splash sea battle will give Obama the White House. MORE »

Barack Obama has gotten his tushy thoroughly handed to him in Kentucky, and there are no results from Oregon yet, so there’s only one thing he can do: declare overall victory in Iowa! He has won a majority of pledged delegates, you see, although Hillary has declared a lead in the popular vote — which she determined by not counting caucus votes and counting Florida and Michigan instead. But whatever! Men suck! Barry can’t *really* declare total victory, because that would be Sexist! What kind of vague victory will he declare? Let’s find out! MORE »

Ooh, won’t tomorrow be fun! Obama, of course, is going to half-declare himself the winner, as his campaign predicts it will have the majority of pledged delegates following Kentucky and Oregon’s primaries. He’ll be spending the night in Iowa, where he started his Quest. (Circle of Life and all that). Obama is not very smart however, and he — like the DNC — considers the winning number of delegates to be 2,025; Hillary’s team has made up a new number, 2,209, that includes Michigan and Florida. And guess what she’s doing tomorrow? Declaring a popular vote lead. So tomorrow we will have two declared winners, and no souls, and an Iraq War. [AFP, NYT]

Today’s Wall Street Journal broadsheet features a delightful feature about the endless Democratic primary’s steamy silver-lining: hot cross-campaign-pollinating sexy times. Rowr! As the Journal notes, “The most heated presidential primary in recent history has drawn a record number of new voters, galvanized young Americans and forced the nation to confront deep-rooted race and gender issues. It also got Brendan Gilfillan a girlfriend.” Brendan Gilfillan, you sluuuuuut! MORE »

Iowa Sen. Tom Harkin recently explained that medical marijuana cannot be legalized, because parents would sell their children to South Asian Neo-Pirates in order to get that dreaded “high fix.” But now some guy is selling a baby for $1,000 on Craigslist so he can buy more “methamphetamine.” Tom Harkin was right, and medical marijuana is to blame, along with libertarian hippies at Reason magazine who condone this sort of behavior so long as they get a high fix. [Local 6]

“There is the abandoned $1,000-a-month temporary apartment in Des Moines, littered with dirty T-shirts and a deflated air mattress.” Eliot Spitzer’s love nest? A place to have men fuck you in front of your wife after dinner at T.G.I.F.? Not according to the liberal New York Times. MORE »

Meet John Persinger and tell him Happy Birthday, because he just turned 100 years old, at the Hooters. What is his longevity secret? “Good living, I guess. A lot of good food. Steaks, fried potatoes. I sip a little Royal Crown now and then.” Ha ha, don’t worry, he is not drinking down-market carbonated corn syrup. The Des Moines Register informs us that he really meant “Crown Royal.” But what really helps him through life, other than booze and Hooters girls and chicken wings and his famous “fried mush,” is his deep hatred of George W. Bush. MORE »

Iowa Republican Congressman Steve King is a known douchebag, and demographic trends suggest he is a racist too. What racist thing did racist Steve King say today? Just that the Muslim terrorists “will be dancing in the streets” if Obama is elected president, “and that has a chilling effect on how difficult it will be to ever win this global war on terror.” Yes, King Congressman, but will he get us universal health care?? MORE »

It’s 2008, and that teenager drug marijuana is still raping our children. But why does that have to be illegal? According to The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML), some person wrote to Iowa Sen. Tom Harkin “asking him to justify why medicinal cannabis is still illegal” after the American College of Physicians recommended it shouldn’t be. It merited a hilarious reply from Harkin, which noted many of pot’s notorious doom scenarios: “the small child whose parents are so addicted to illegal drugs that they sell everything including perhaps their own children to obtain a fix.” Harkin knows the routine: smoke up, eat gyro, play Legend of Zelda, sell children to pirates for more pot, repeat. The full, horrifying letter, after the jump. MORE »