Iowa Rep. Steve King, easily one of the top five House wingnuts and perhaps the most overtly evil and sneering one, has this to say about why we shouldn’t close Guantanamo Bay (where we could still keep the innocent Uighurs, whose imminent release was ordered by a federal court in 2008): MORE »

Jesus fucking christ. Remember back in 1780-something, when we had actual smart people writing our founding documents in beautiful longhand when they weren’t inventing new kinds of ploughs and bifocals and shit? Now our nation’s top legislators just type away like petulant teenage girls, with their thumbs, about how the president is so awful for spending the weekend in Paris. We are all stupider for having read this. [Chuck Grassley's Twitter]

By the Comics Curmudgeon

OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE THOSE GAY LIBERALS DONE NOW? They have taken Iowa, possibly our least gay state, and gayed it all up, with the gay marrying, and … such! One sign of the state’s previous extreme heterosexuality was Grant Wood’s famous painting, American Gothic! Boy, that sure is a symbol of traditional middle American values that everyone can easily recognize! But what if some puckish artist — or a series of puckish artists — were to make it … gayer? MORE »

GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL IN IOWA: The Iowa Supreme Court has released its big gay marriage ruling and guess what, it ruled that denying gay marriage is unconstitutional. The gays can now get married in America’s Heartland! Iowa, everyone is so nice there. Everyone was so nice to us there on our convention road trip last summer. Turns out they were just trying to gay-marry Ken! UPDATE: Yowza. Those muslin latte-sipping arugula judges really stuck it to the mouth-breathers with this one. [Des Moines Register]

The Senate, for those unfamiliar with the august body, is sort of like the US version of the House of Lords; and like the House of Lords it is populated with harelipped dauphins who make ribald jokes with each other between bouts of pleurisy, gout, and cavorting with fast women, such as each other’s spouses. After the jump: the Iowa Republican totally pwns the North Dakota Democrat, who is unable to pleasure his wife. MORE »

Human dumpster Sarah Palin hasn’t held many unnecessary interviews in the last few weeks, what the hell is wrong with her? Does she want this thing in 2012 or not?? Her lazy ass needs to be in cold motherfuckin’ IOWA right now and every week for the next few years, going to fried steak dinners with the Des Moines Register people and what not. This is what one must do. John Edwards put four goddamn years into that state and look what happened, OH RIGHT, he’s President. Well, Sarah Palin may not have the “grit” of John Edwards, but she’s at least creeping her way back onto the interview circuit. The safe outlets only, of course. Now let’s see what she told the wingnuts at Human Events about her experience on the McCain campaign… ah, she did nothing wrong and wasn’t allowed to do enough right. MORE »

Democratic Superstar Tom Vilsack nearly won the nomination, until he dropped out in … what, 2006? No, it was February 2007 — almost two years ago! And he endorsed Hillary. So she paid off his campaign debt, which wasn’t really very much as his campaign consisted solely of old props from a local high-school musical version of 1984. MORE »

Guess who made a campaign stop in Iowa this morning? Mike Huckabee! Iowa! 2012! It’s the new-new Republican Party, with a platform based on Huckabee’s special blend of a) jesus-y socialism, b) weight-loss schemes, c) playing bass in the Christian Rock band “The Wiggles,” and d) just cold puttin’ down Mitt Romney all the time, because Romney SUX. Also Huckabee is selling his shitty book, about how much he hates Mitt. [CNN]

• RON PAUL MIGHT RUN IN 2012: Wouldn’t want to disappoint the Internet, would he? Paul’s spokesman and “grandson-in-law” Jesse Benton says that a decision would have to be made in the next six months, so as to set up early ground ops in Iowa and New Hampshire if the answer’s “yes.” Could Ron Paul be the next John Edwards? [Reason]

Vulgar sex clown John Edwards is ending a three-month public silence tonight with a lecture of sorts at Indiana University. He will discuss politics for a cool $35,000, which is more than many American adults make in a year of manual labor. Then he will probably go to Iowa to get them ground ops all geared up for 2012! He’s gotta win it one of these days! [Indiana Daily Student]

Some hobo cat lady must have forgotten her meds this morning and, as a result, thought that she was Sarah Palin and needed to show up beside her “running mate,” John McCain, at an Iowa rally. Because here she is, behind and to the right of John McCain, acknowledging the cheers as Walnuts says nice things about Palin. Or maybe John McCain has started keeping a (very bad) Sarah Palin lookalike with him at all times, so as to draw crowds? [YouTube]