iowa caucuses
Even Taiwan Cracking ‘Come From Behind’ Jokes About Rick Santorum
The busy animator-slaves in Taiwan watched the Iowa GOP caucuses, too! They apparently also had pretty good drugs, since we missed the awesome part of the evening where a giant Octopus ate Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney was pelted with Bibles. At least they correctly understood that all Iowa caucus newz items are required by [...]
Michele Bachmann Tragically Aborts Her Presidential Campaign
Famous head case Michele Bachmann held an unprecedented meeting with “reality,” which has sadly and inevitably led to the announcement that she is dropping out of the presidential campaign. Poor Marcus Bachmann will never get to be First Lady, after all!
Nooooooooooo: Michele Bachmann Cancels SC Trip, Maybe Dropping Out
Michele Bachmann finished in, what, negative 86th place in the Iowa caucuses last night? That it is Pretty Bad, but come on, let’s not panic here. This is also just a lousy fact, and since when have facts ever gotten in the way of Michele’s plans for world domination? WHAT IS THIS? Republican presidential hopeful [...]
Mitt Romney Only Had to Lay Off 47 People to Win in Iowa
How did wicked gazillionaire Mitt Romney manage to eke out a 8-point vote win over prickly schoolmarm Rick Santorum? Well, there’s at least one reason we know of: he hates job creation. In his eleventh-hour victory-cession speech, Romney in fact bragged about his remarkable refusal to create jobs, in this case of the campaign variety. [...]
Romney Beats Santorum By Just 0.000002667% of U.S. Population
NEW YORK—Hi good morning! Did you also stay awake until 3am last night to learn who 0.04% of the American population considers the preferable Republican candidate? No? Well good for you! Because boy did we just feel like a bunch of jerks for staying up like this was Florida 2000 or something. And it wasn’t [...]
Liveblogging Some Iowa Crazy-Time Caucus Cage Match Stuff, Tonight!
Has it really been four years since the last Iowa caucuses? It seems more like four hundred, where 399 of those years have been “the last two months, because of the insanity. Yer Wonkette editors will be around to “monitor” the madness starting around 9 p.m. ET give or take, since this is the official [...]
Iowomp Womp Womp: Happy Caucus Day!
NEW YORK—Friends, we have arrived. Months and months of penetrating insight and attentive poll-watching from our dedicated, thoughtful crew of professional political reporters have all been leading up to this moment, when tonight, in living rooms and VFW halls across the frost covered fields of the great state of Iowa, a block of voters representing [...]
Rick Santorum Dials Up Racism In Final Push For Iowa’s Bigot Vote
Iowa GOP caucus-goers may already know tragic loser Rick Santorum as a viciously anti-gay, anti-lady-rights sad sack of defective dildos, but do they know where he stands on that third portion that makes up the all-important trifecta of Republican qualifications for presidential nominee, racism? Do not WORRY, bitter white idiots (but still FEAR, always fear), [...]
Michele Bachmann’s Iowa Campaign Chair Comes Out of Paultard Closet
HIGH DRAMA: the Iowa captain of Michele Bachmann’s sinking insane asylum, state Senator Kent Sorenson, jumped ship and swam over to Team Paultard MERE DAYS before the Iowa caucuses. Sorenson explained his sudden last-minute switch with some strange line about Ron Paul being the only “true conservative” in the race, an assessment that may have [...]
Romney Leads in Iowa; Other GOP Idiots Promise To Burn Constitution
Uh-oh, that thing that no one thought would happen but secretly knew was going to happen has finally HAPPENED, folks: Mitt Romney is leading in a new poll out of Iowa. Great. Iowa has lost its sense of humor just in time for the caucuses. “Political wisdom,” which is an oxymoron, has it that Romney [...]
Rick Santorum Pleads With Voters To Call Him ‘Intelligent’ Just For Once
Laughingstock wingnut Rick Santorum is still running for President? Really? Well according to the filthy sign he is holding up in this photo, he is! No one really knows why, since the cabal of nuthatch Iowa evangelical pastors who might have supported him have officially formed a groupie mob and run away on tour with [...]
Florida Launches First Pie In Nat’l Slapfight Over GOP Primary Calendar
The whiny lizards running the state of Florida are expected to start shit by declaring their GOP primary date January 31st, a week before the scheduled Feb. 6 date of the holy Iowa caucuses and well ahead of the other three sacred starter contests in New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina. Therefore, everyone panic. Look, Florida, [...]
Palin Cult Followers Wander Iowa Awaiting Signs From Mama Grizzly
In the absence of Sarah Palin saying anything about whether she will run for president, her followers are walking around the Iowa cornfields as un-anointed apostles canvasing for their mysteriously quiet snowbilly messiah and waiting for her sign. What else has anyone even got to do these days, except wait for signals from space monsters? [...]
Michele Bachmann To Defeat Obama; Be First Female, Banshee President
Michele Bachmann may have been spurned by the establishment when she made a play for the Republican leadership of the House, but that just made her want to run for the Senate. And now she has decided to “seriously weigh” running for president of the United States. Hooray! She will hold every elected office in [...]
blog advertising is good for you
