Tag Archives: iowa

  None of these are actually legal :(

Here Are 9 More Things For Steve King To Gay-Marry After He Divorces His Lawnmower

Be honest, you're looking at his piece of equipment. His LAWNMOWING equipment.
Rep. Steve King is a glorious fucking numbskull, and he’s willing to prove it on the daily, if that’s what it takes. Having failed to stop the Supreme Court from throat-cramming America with marriage of the EW GAY kind, he must continue to warn America what dark days lie ahead, now that two men or two women can become so gay for one another that they decide to file taxes jointly, ’til death do they part. And what do those dark days look like? Matt Taibbi reported that King, introducing Mike Huckabee in Iowa Thursday, explained that marriage equality means “you can marry my lawnmower.” OH REALLY? Read more on Here Are 9 More Things For Steve King To Gay-Marry After He Divorces His Lawnmower…
  But What About Marching Babies To The Oven Door?

Ben Carson Says Racist Obama Genociding All The Blacks

No real reason for including Raptor Jesus here. We just like Raptor Jesus better than Ben Carson.
Ben Carson took his turn to swing the Idiot Stick at that fake story about Planned Parenthood running a Fetus-Parts Thrift Shop. Not only did he repeat the usual nonsense about how terrible it is that Planned Parenthood is forcing women to have a legal surgical procedure they can’t possibly want — what woman could ever want an abortion? — he also added an Extra Bonus Lie: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Planned Parenthood, and for all we know, the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus are all in on a massive conspiracy to “eliminate black people,” just as Margaret Sanger planned from the start. Read more on Ben Carson Says Racist Obama Genociding All The Blacks…
  S-M-R-T plan

President Scott Walker To Bomb Iran, Like, Yesterday

He has ALL the confuse
Check out the giant nutsack on Gov. Scott Walker! (But not in a gay way, that’s bad for the children.) At the Jesuspalooza known as the Family Leadership Summit, in Iowa this weekend, Walker whipped it out for the media and double-dog dared his fellow Republican presidential contenders to do the same, by explaining how he will bomb the ever-lovin’ fuck out of Iran the second after he is sworn in as president: Read more on President Scott Walker To Bomb Iran, Like, Yesterday…
  Basically like Jesus

Donald Trump YOOOOGE Fan Of God And Those Little Jesus Crackers

Donald Trump, good Christian
We have been so busy LOLing and WTFing over Donald Trump’s attack on John McCain for being a fake war hero, with his weak-assed POWing, because Trump “like[s] people that weren’t captured,” that we almost forgot to tell you some of the other hilarity of Trump’s weekend. Almost. Read more on Donald Trump YOOOOGE Fan Of God And Those Little Jesus Crackers…
  Four And A Half Weeks Alan

Donald Trump Can’t Believe People Don’t Like His Straight Talk On Loser POWs

So McCain was captured. Big deal. So was El Chapo.
Just in case you hadn’t heard about Donald Trump’s very special weekend shitshow, he had a terrible horrible no-good very bad Saturday at the Family Leadership Summit in Ames, Iowa, where he made the mistake of talking smack about somebody other than Mexicans. In a Q & A with emcee Frank Luntz, Trump went after John McCain on the one thing Republicans do not want anyone questioning: his status as an honest-to-god “Five And A Half Years, Alan” war hero. Read more on Donald Trump Can’t Believe People Don’t Like His Straight Talk On Loser POWs…
  Cantaloupe calves

Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King

Olé!
What comes to mind when you think of Iowa Rep. Steve King? Racist? Wingnut? Asshole? Dumb as a knapsack full of syphilitic fucks? Well you are wrong, because the only thing that should come into your mind when you hear the name “Steve King” is “Most Likely To Be So Mexican,” because that’s what’s true: Read more on Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King…
  Bernie Desire

Total Joke Bernie Sanders Draws Ten Thousand For Wisconsin Rally, LOL What A Joke

Screencaps of Bernie smiling are a bit difficult to find
Senator Bernie Sanders had a record crowd at a rally Wednesday in Madison, Wisconsin, drawing nearly 10,000 people to yet another packed event. It’s just the latest huge crowd for Sanders, who has been polling surprisingly well against Hillary Clinton in Iowa and in New Hampshire. We like Bernie so much that we’re even willing to put up with people yelling “Feel the Bern!” Maybe. We’re almost starting to think that all this Bernie enthusiasm is catching on — and for once, we’re looking forward to the Democratic primary debates. Read more on Total Joke Bernie Sanders Draws Ten Thousand For Wisconsin Rally, LOL What A Joke…
  Ha ... ha ... groan

Ted Cruz Tells Another Appropriate Well-Timed Joke, This Time About Guns Ha Ha Ha

Hoo boy, that Ted Cruz sure is a funny guy. While he is too big a coward to take a position on the Confederate flag and whether it should continue to fly on the grounds of South Carolina’s state capitol (hint: it should not), he’s not at all afraid to crack some “jokes” about gun control at a town hall meeting in Red Oak, Iowa: Read more on Ted Cruz Tells Another Appropriate Well-Timed Joke, This Time About Guns Ha Ha Ha…
  Here have some news n stuff

Official ‘Kick Me’ Sign Now Available From Jeb! Bush Campaign Swag Shop

Jeb — sorry, Jeb! — Bush is joining the GOP clustermess, despite our sincere advice to spare himself the shame and not do that. He even has this handy logo that’s just been collecting dust in his basement since the ’90s, so might as well. And in case you haven’t heard him the first dozen times, he pinky-swears again that he is NOT going to be just like his brother: Read more on Official ‘Kick Me’ Sign Now Available From Jeb! Bush Campaign Swag Shop…
  She might not even vote for him

Rick Santorum Has One Supporter In Iowa, And Her Name Is Peggy

Can't go wrong with the classics
Poor Rick Santorum. He has been trying so hard to get somebody to care about the fact that he is running for president, but nobody does. And in a race to see which GOP candidate can out-wingnut them all, by hating the gays and the ‘bortions and the Messicans THE MOST, Santorum loses, not because his heart isn’t in the right place, but because he comes across as sad and pathetic. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel! The light’s name is Peggy, and she is Santorum’s one supporter: Read more on Rick Santorum Has One Supporter In Iowa, And Her Name Is Peggy…
  Hogs & Hawgs

Lady Sen. Joni Ernst Knows Ladies, And Hillary Clinton Is No Lady

Tinfoil flags are best
Conspiracy theorist and Iowa Sen. Joni Ernst (R-Barnyard) auditioned this weekend for the role of Very Important Lady Who Is Also Available To Be Vice President Wink Wink Fellas, at her first “annual” orgy of bikers, Republicans, and hot dead pig, called “Roast and Ride.” Stop laughing, that is not the joke. That is what she really called it! Read more on Lady Sen. Joni Ernst Knows Ladies, And Hillary Clinton Is No Lady…
  Don't Know Much About A Science Book

Rick Santorum Such A Idiot He Can’t Even Deny Science Good

Can't go wrong with the classics
Poor ol’ Rick Santorum is already having a hard time keeping up with the Conservaherd in the Great 2016 Republican Coronation Scramble. Just look at his lame, thoroughly derivative attempt to ignore climate science during a Thursday event in Des Moines, Iowa: Read more on Rick Santorum Such A Idiot He Can’t Even Deny Science Good…
  our well regulated militia

Mike Huckabee Will Save Gun Owners From Tyranny Of Learning How To Shoot Guns

This is what 'clearing the chamber' means, right?
Mike Huckabee visited a gun range in Johnston, Iowa, Tuesday so he could check off “Did Second Amendment Stuff” on his campaign checklist. And while he was there, he explained that he’s not especially worried about whether gun owners actually have any training in using their weapons, because for heaven’s sake, if the Founders had wanted the militia to be well-regulated, surely they’d have said something about it somewhere, maybe. Read more on Mike Huckabee Will Save Gun Owners From Tyranny Of Learning How To Shoot Guns…
  Vote Graham or he'll drone this dog

Lindsey Graham Running For President, Will Kill You For Your Thoughts If Elected

Dream on
Sen. Lindsey Graham, the southern gentleman from South Carolina, has been threatening for months to run for president, promising to be an excellent president for rich white men everywhere and to “literally use the military” to force Congress to do his bidding. Why does he think he can win? Who exactly does he think will vote for him? No idea, but we laughingly welcome him to the race, as he announced on Monday his intention to announce his intention to run for president, which is how presidential campaigns work nowadays. And he’s got a real optimistic Reaganesque morning in America pitch to voters: Read more on Lindsey Graham Running For President, Will Kill You For Your Thoughts If Elected…
  I Slam You Slam We All Slam Islam!

Muslim-Hatin’ Rep. Steve King Sure There’s No Discrimination Against Muslims

Hey, he's not denying anyone a job right there, so he's cool
Iowa congressprick Steve “No I’m not the Novelist” King is disgusted — disgusted! — at the warped priorities of Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson, who said in February that he would “give voice to the plight of Muslims living in this country and the discrimination that they face.” King thinks that’s a pretty weird thing to say, since, as far as Steve King knows, Muslim-Americans simply don’t face any discrimination. Read more on Muslim-Hatin’ Rep. Steve King Sure There’s No Discrimination Against Muslims…
  Somewhere Somehow Somebody Must Have Kicked You Around Some

Rand Paul: Why Help Iraqi Refugees? We Won, So Suck It, Losers.

Somewhere somehow somebody must have kicked him around some. Maybe in the head.
Libertarian Superstar Rand Paul brought his trademark “Every issue must be discussed like a 2 AM bull session in the Objectivist Dorm” sensibilities to the issue of resettling Iraqi refugees, explaining that we don’t need to help those people, because for godssake, we won the war over there. Doesn’t anyone remember how we won that war? Read more on Rand Paul: Why Help Iraqi Refugees? We Won, So Suck It, Losers….