• LIKE THE FARMER’S ALMANAC, BUT GOOD: Holy moly! We didn’t even bother to explore the rest of that burny church’s website at first, but it is nuts, man, it is a stone cold treasure, and we just hope someone in that asylum remembers to pay the Internets bill each month. [Amazing Grace Baptist Church: Sports News]

NEW TIMMY MCVEIGH IN A RED BEETLE, NEGOTIATING WITH A BOMB ROBOT: “WESTWOOD — A man accused of making threats against the White House led officers on a wild freeway chase that ended in a standoff outside the Federal Building.” Nice. Hooray for August. What does this sentence mean?: “The LAPD bomb squad is using its robot as officers try to coax the suspect out of the vehicle.” [KTLA]

GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL IN IOWA: The Iowa Supreme Court has released its big gay marriage ruling and guess what, it ruled that denying gay marriage is unconstitutional. The gays can now get married in America’s Heartland! Iowa, everyone is so nice there. Everyone was so nice to us there on our convention road trip last summer. Turns out they were just trying to gay-marry Ken! UPDATE: Yowza. Those muslin latte-sipping arugula judges really stuck it to the mouth-breathers with this one. [Des Moines Register]

We know that a few of you might consider this “inside baseball,” so if that’s the case, then don’t read any more of this post and go do something else. Easy! Now: The New Republic heard the kids’ clamoring and has decided to release the full, insane Politico memo quoted in its new story, about Politico. Mike Allen, or whoever wrote this, is basically an evil version of Hitler. [TNR]

You people thought we were joking about the random black and crippled guilt-bait Blago brought on stage during his press conference, but here they are, alongside, you know, a DEAD ILLINOIS CHILD to whom Blago had tried to deliver cheap prescription drugs, only to find that the evil state legislature had already murdered the child with ear poison. And they want to impeach Blago for a murder they committed?? [NYT]

A black person named Roland Burris — who carries the weight of an entire oppressed race on his shoulders — went to the Capitol today to be sworn into the Senate, just as Rod Blagojevich asked him to. He had his papers all lined up, a sharp suit, a positive frame of mind. It was to be a new day for America’s African-Americans, this day was. But then racist old Harry Reid told the Capitol guards that he didn’t want some colored walkin’ on his shiny marble floors unless he had a mop in his hands. Old Roland has seen this all too many times, over the years. It’s been his life. But it’s the life he’s chosen, you see! Hope for America’s blacks will have to endure yet another sunset, and Burris, yet another sunrise. [MSNBC]

Here’s the full video of today’s Blagojevich derring-do, which you really should watch from start to finish. MORE »

It’s been a while since we’ve checked in on the musings of Washington Post in-house coot Richard Cohen, who’s hated every single development in American culture since 1958. Earlier this year he spent a whole column ranting about the kids and their tattoos (”I simply do not care for tattoos”), another about Amazon’s Kindle (”I simply do not care for the Kindle”), and, of course, another about Barack Obama’s age (”I simply do not care for the age of Barack Obama”). Basically, all Richard Cohen wants in life is a few twigs to rub together and some of grandma’s licorice stick. All a man really needs. In today’s column he tackles a new devil, that con sarn BlackBerry telephone machine. He simply does not care for Obama’s BlackBerry telephone, especially when there are perfectly good print newspapers out there that perform the exact same functions, and women are also awful. MORE »

???: “Bush should consider pardoning–and should at least be vociferously praising–everyone who served in good faith in the war on terror, but whose deeds may now be susceptible to demagogic or politically inspired prosecution by some seeking to score political points. The lawyers can work out if such general or specific preemptive pardons are possible; it may be that the best Bush can or should do is to warn publicly against any such harassment or prosecution. But the idea is this: The CIA agents who waterboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, and the NSA officials who listened in on phone calls from Pakistan, should not have to worry about legal bills or public defamation. In fact, Bush might want to give some of these public servants the Medal of Freedom at the same time he bestows the honor on Generals Petraeus and Odierno. They deserve it.” [Bolding of incredible statement is ours.] The people who gathered reliable intelligence without breaking domestic/international law, however, should be sent to Gitmo for being such pussies. [Weekly Standard via Andrew Sullivan]

LOOK folks, Joe Biden knows when a dame’s got the good stuff, okay? Literally. Joe’s just snagged himself the #2 position in American government and guess what, yeah that’s right, he’s gonna convert that into some grade-A trim, real classy broads, new one each night. Got it, chump? There ya go. So who’s Joey gonna make first here? Any gal he wants, just has to point, see… Ah! He’ll go with her, that black one over there, Barry’s better half, what’s she call herself again. Michelle. Yeah, Michelle Obama, step right up, Joey Biden wants to show you some vice-presidential hubba hubba HUBBA! MORE »

Look, Ron Paul, YOU WIN, FINE, YOU AND YOUR SUPPORTERS ARE GREAT, now will you please go away for a long time and play with your gold bricks, alone? Of course he won’t, which is why he’s making yet another “special announcement” tomorrow about some useless new thing he’s cookin’ up. He’s almost as bad of an attention whore as Ralph Nader, who Paul has invited to tomorrow’s press conference. Cynthia McKinney too! Bob Barr too! Chuck Baldwin (the Constitutional Party candidate) too! What a depressing quintet of failure. MORE »