Oh noes, Secretary Clinton won’t be going on previously scheduled trips abroad this week, due to having her elbow amputated and replaced with a bionic joint that shoots laser beams and takes orders directly from the president, Dick Cheney. She needs to rest up and not shake hands with anybody, which means that attendees of international conferences in Trieste and Corfu will have to shake hands with two other jokers from the State Department instead. And THAT is how World War III will start tomorrow. [Washington Post]

Sonia Sotomayor is so wacky that after breaking her ankle, she made a flight to Washington D.C. and visited the White House before going to the hospital. Why was Barack Obama unable to heal her? [YouTube]

Seems the National Review erred in dubbing Sonia Sotomayor the one “Wise Latina” on Earth, because, as Joe Klein might say, if she’s so smart then why can’t she walk? “WASHINGTON (AP) - Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle Monday morning in an airport stumble on her way to Washington to meet with senators who will vote on her confirmation.” That is clearly not why she was in an airport, silly AP writer with a “September 10th” world view. [AP]

OK so President Obama may have weathered his first hundred days, a pirate attack, the pig AIDS, and the collapse of our financial and automotive sectors, but can he stand up to the nation’s latest Great Menace? We refer, of course, to an epidemic of falling televisions. MORE »

PBS anchor Gwen Ifill, who will host Thursday’s debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin, purportedly broke her ankle “after tripping and falling down stairs at her home last night.” Oh well what a timely “accident,” and what a likely “story,” which sounds nothing like “intimidation.” CAN SOMEONE then, maybe, explain the letter found next to Ifill’s ruined body that read “no forrin polisy gotcha quesschins,” written in virgin goat blood and signed by “Thteve Thchmidt”? [TV Newser]

What the hell happened to the Cubins? Rep. Barbara Cubin (R-Wyoming) was apparently hospitalized on September 15th after suffering a “fall” — a fall she had while “attending to her sick husband in the Casper hospital.” Both were released last week. Her press office says Rep. Cubin was merely hospitalized for a broken foot, and her husband (Dr. “Fritz” Cubin) has an unnamed “immune disorder,” but maybe someone is out to get them? [Billings Gazette]

Apparently the hammer was quite incensed to meet Rep. Patrick Kennedy, the Rhode Island Democrat who famously quipped, “I have never worked a fucking day in my life.” The hammer — which had worked many days over the course of its life — therefore struck Kennedy in his big fat mouth. MORE »

Today’s hilarious Presidential Blooper comes to us courtesy of last summer’s G8 Conference. Let’s take a look, shall we? MORE »