Tag Archives: injuries

  pray the concussions away

Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!

Is there nothing this man CANNOT fail at, we mean do?
Allen West, the Guardian of the Republic vile, disgraced torture fetishist and congressional race-loser who is also a creepazoid sex pervert, took some time off from those activities recently to discuss football injuries, and the best way to prevent them. No, it is not about padding or anything like that, it is prayer! You see, Allen West played football in high school, so he is an expert. Speaking to a wingnut group in Texas, West explained that back in HIS day, they made sure to pray before every single game, and because of that, he doesn’t remember ANYBODY getting injured or paralyzed. Read more on Allen West Can Keep Football Players From Getting Hurt, Just By Saying A Little Prayer!…
  The Revisionist Thing

Rightwing Reads NYT Headline, Declares Bush Was Right About Everything

Miss him yet?
As we noted Wednesday, the New York Times has discovered that, after invading Iraq to keep Saddam Hussein from killing everybody with his huge Weapons of Mass Destruction program, which definitely included an ongoing program of building new chemical and nuclear weapons, the Bush administration did everything it could do to cover up the actual chemical weapons — relics from the Iran-Iraq war — that they did find. Read more on Rightwing Reads NYT Headline, Declares Bush Was Right About Everything…
  uhh ...

A White House Staffer May Have His Fingers Amputated Because…?

Is President Obama going around the White House residence smashing staffers’ fingers because his sheets didn’t have proper hospital corners? The only correct answer can be “yes,” because will you just look at what happened today: “A member of the White House household staff suffered an on-the-job injury Tuesday and may have lost some fingers.” Read more on A White House Staffer May Have His Fingers Amputated Because…?…
  al qaeda cars' number-one target

Harry Reid Injured By Stationary Car

Sure, everyone, talk about Osama bin Laden all you want, just ignore that Harry Reid ALSO ALMOST DIED this morning. Whatever would this country do if Harry Reid was not the Senate majority leader? Replace him with Chuck Schumer or Dick Durbin and promptly forget he existed? Yes, probably. But maybe we would take weeks off to mourn the sudden loss of the greatest American never to walk on the Moon. This morning, Harry Reid was out jogging when suddenly he was hit by a car. Reid was taken to the hospital and he’ll be okay, so the assassination plot failed. But the most devious part of this story is that the car was just sitting there parked. We’re not sure how one is injured by a stationary car, but it sounds absolutely harrowing. Read more on Harry Reid Injured By Stationary Car…
  this week in elbow news

Clinton’s Elbow Sets Off Diplomatic Crisis

Oh noes, Secretary Clinton won’t be going on previously scheduled trips abroad this week, due to having her elbow amputated and replaced with a bionic joint that shoots laser beams and takes orders directly from the president, Dick Cheney. She needs to rest up and not shake hands with anybody, which means that attendees of international conferences in Trieste and Corfu will have to shake hands with two other jokers from the State Department instead. And THAT is how World War III will start tomorrow. [Washington Post] Read more on Clinton’s Elbow Sets Off Diplomatic Crisis…
  racialists

Sonia Sotomayor Feels No Human Pain

Sonia Sotomayor is so wacky that after breaking her ankle, she made a flight to Washington D.C. and visited the White House before going to the hospital. Why was Barack Obama unable to heal her? [YouTube] Read more on Sonia Sotomayor Feels No Human Pain…
  national sadnesses

Sotomayor Breaks Entire Body, At Airport

Seems the National Review erred in dubbing Sonia Sotomayor the one “Wise Latina” on Earth, because, as Joe Klein might say, if she’s so smart then why can’t she walk? “WASHINGTON (AP) – Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle Monday morning in an airport stumble on her way to Washington to meet with senators who will vote on her confirmation.” That is clearly not why she was in an airport, silly AP writer with a “September 10th” world view. [AP] Read more on Sotomayor Breaks Entire Body, At Airport…
  television is not your friend

Falling TVs Are This Week’s Swine Flu

OK so President Obama may have weathered his first hundred days, a pirate attack, the pig AIDS, and the collapse of our financial and automotive sectors, but can he stand up to the nation’s latest Great Menace? We refer, of course, to an epidemic of falling televisions. Read more on Falling TVs Are This Week’s Swine Flu…
  anything to stop this debate

VP Debate Moderator Gwen Ifill Breaks Ankle, HOW PECULIAR HMM?

PBS anchor Gwen Ifill, who will host Thursday’s debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin, purportedly broke her ankle “after tripping and falling down stairs at her home last night.” Oh well what a timely “accident,” and what a likely “story,” which sounds nothing like “intimidation.” CAN SOMEONE then, maybe, explain the letter found next to Ifill’s ruined body that read “no forrin polisy gotcha quesschins,” written in virgin goat blood and signed by “Thteve Thchmidt”? [TV Newser] Read more on VP Debate Moderator Gwen Ifill Breaks Ankle, HOW PECULIAR HMM?…
 

What the hell happened to the Cubins? Rep. Barbara Cubin (R-Wyoming) was apparently hospitalized on September 15th after suffering a “fall” — a fall she had while “attending to her sick husband in the Casper hospital.” Both were released last week. Her press office says Rep. Cubin was merely hospitalized for a broken foot, and her husband (Dr. “Fritz” Cubin) has an unnamed “immune disorder,” but maybe someone is out to get them? [Billings Gazette] Read more on …
 

There Are Many Ways for a Kennedy To Get Hammered

Apparently the hammer was quite incensed to meet Rep. Patrick Kennedy, the Rhode Island Democrat who famously quipped, “I have never worked a fucking day in my life.” The hammer — which had worked many days over the course of its life — therefore struck Kennedy in his big fat mouth. Read more on There Are Many Ways for a Kennedy To Get Hammered…
 

Presidential Pratfall Watch

Today’s hilarious Presidential Blooper comes to us courtesy of last summer’s G8 Conference. Let’s take a look, shall we? It was “about 1800 hours on Wednesday, 6 July, 2005″ that a detachment of Strathclyde police constables, in “Level 2 public order dress [anti-riot gear],” formed a protective line at the gate at the hotel’s rear entrance, in case demonstrators penetrated the biggest-ever security operation on Scottish soil. […]As the President passed the junction at speed he raised his left arm from the handlebars to wave to the police officers present while shouting ‘thanks, you guys, for coming’. “As he did this he lost control of the cycle, falling to the ground, causing both himself and his bicycle to strike [the officer] on the lower legs. [The officer] fell to the ground, striking his head. The President continued along the ground for approximately five metres, causing himself a number of abrasions. The officers… then assisted both injured parties.” Read more on Presidential Pratfall Watch…