Tag Archives: indictments

  Won't Someone Think Of The Soccer Moms?

Head Foot-The-Ball Guy Resigns In Huge FIFA Scandal We All Care About Very Much

Art swiped shamelessly from the incomparable Bill Griffith. OK, with some shame.
Wow, have you been following the incredibly fascinating FIFA scandal as closely as we have? As sports-related fuck-tussles go, it’s like the Chicago Black Sox times DeflateGate plus BENGHAZI! It’s all about corruption and bribery in the governing body for soccer, or “real football,” which is a sport that the rest of the world has had wars over, and which Americans grudgingly haul their children to practice for in minivans, until they decide soccer is uncool and they’d rather spend all their time playing videogames and masturbating. Anyway, last week the U.S. Justice Department, in cooperation with Swiss authorities, arrested and indicted a whole bunch of FIFA officials on big-time corruption charges. And now, because the ongoing investigation has begun to maybe implicate FIFA’s president, Sepp Blatter, we learned Tuesday that Sepp Blatter is resigning as president of FIFA, which means we won’t have Sepp Blatter to kick around anymore, which is sad considering that kids in poor third-world slums actually play soccer by kicking around an inflated sepp bladder. It’s all they have. Read more on Head Foot-The-Ball Guy Resigns In Huge FIFA Scandal We All Care About Very Much…
  nice time!

US Department Of Justice Indicts Those Riddler And Penguin Dicks, Thanks Batkid!

The United States Department of Justice has some shit to say about the Riddler and the Penguin and how they are NOT AWESOME, and also how they are indicted, thanks Batkid! (Anyone who wants to bitch about how Eric Holder is trying to stave off impeachment will go to commenter jail, FOREVER. And if you want to get out, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.) Read more on US Department Of Justice Indicts Those Riddler And Penguin Dicks, Thanks Batkid!…
  seeing the other america

John Edwards About To Be Indicted, If Obama’s DOJ Will Pull Trigger

Famous 2008 presidential sex-haver John Edwards is probably going to be indicted very soon for violating campaign laws in how he covered it all up, NBC News is reporting. “Son of a mill worker!” Edwards cursed to himself upon hearing this news, taking his lord’s name in vain. “We do not believe there is evidence that John has violated any election laws,” his attorney, Wade Smith, said, obviously very forcibly. Hey, you know who else was named “Wade”? John Edwards’ son who died. You know who else in John Edwards’ family died? His wife, the one that everybody loved. Those are the two reasons John Edwards should get whatever he wants, from staying out of jail to bedding all the floozies he wants to the presidency. What do you say, Iowa caucus-goers? John Edwards 2012: Campaigning From Jail Just Like His Close Personal Friend Martin Luther King. Read more on John Edwards About To Be Indicted, If Obama’s DOJ Will Pull Trigger…
  somebody didn't watch tom emanski's video on perjury

Baseballman Actually Indicted For Lying In Dumb Congressional Hearing

In 2008, the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform decided it would grandstand on the use of steroids in baseball, because what else were they going to do? Their jobs? (NO.) So this was a little circus for a while, and they subpoenaed famous baseball players to these hearings so that said members of Congress could attract teevee attention and look important. But, funnily enough, some asshole, former pitcher Roger Clemens, actually has gotten indicted for lying in this pointless exercise. Whoops. Read more on Baseballman Actually Indicted For Lying In Dumb Congressional Hearing…
  detroit's flourishing political system

Hilarious Monica Conyers Could Be Indicted Today, DEMANDS People Pray For Her

Unbelievably batshit Detroit City Council member Monica Conyers, comparatively young wife of old Congressman John Conyers, may finally go to jail for being an insane, violent criminal. She “has received a pre-indictment letter from federal authorities who have given her until the end of today to reach a plea deal or they will proceed with possible criminal charges against her.” Conyers is famous for threatening people with guns, getting into a shouting match with the Council president — while in session — during which she called him “Shrek,” getting into another shouting match with another Council member during which she “made fun of his hearing, his lack of college degree and started rumors that he has cancer,” and most importantly, in one of the best YouTubes your editor can recall, losing a debate to an 8th grader and getting pissy about it. Will you pray for her today? Read more on Hilarious Monica Conyers Could Be Indicted Today, DEMANDS People Pray For Her…
  snoozer

THE CHICAGO INDICTMENT IS JUST SOME BORING ALDERMAN: Patrick Fitzgerald you are a loser. Your Wonkette editors had prepared for the worst regarding this impending indictment of an elected official in Chicago, “joking” that it was “probably just some alderman.” And that’s all it is, some slob who looks like Jesse Jackson after eating Rush Limbaugh: “Ald. Isaac Carothers (29th), a staunch ally of Mayor Richard Daley, was indicted today on federal public-corruption charges.” [Chicago Breaking News] Read more on …
  chicago breaking news!

FITZGERALD GOING NUTS AGAIN: Breaking news from Chicago! According to the Chicago Breaking News Center, “The U.S. Attorney’s Office in Chicago said it will hold a press conference at 2 p.m. today to announce public corruption charges. Sources say it is expected to be an indictment of an elected official.” Is it Roland Burris, after Chris Matthews was racist to him for a while? But he was never elected! In that case, “meh.” [Chicago Breaking News] Read more on …
  the poor man's fitzmas

OH AND HERE’S SOME ACTUAL NEWS: “Blagojevich, 52, was indicted on 16 felony counts, including racketeering conspiracy, wire fraud, extortion conspiracy, attempted extortion and making false statements to federal agents. He allegedly abused his office in numerous matters to seek money, campaign contributions, and employment for himself and others, in exchange for official actions, including trying to leverage his authority to appoint a United States senator, U.S. Attorney Patrick J. Fitzgerald said in a statement.” Patrick Fitzgerald is the fucking angel of death (but also racist for doing this to important Civil Rights leader Gandhi Blagojevich). [CBS 2 Chicago] Read more on …
  criminals

Dick Cheney And Alberto Gonzales Indicted For ‘Prison Profiteering’

Well, it would be nice if these guys ever went to jail for anything, but it seems unlikely that they will go to jail for this. A grand jury in South Texas handed down indictments against various current and former public officials connected with wrongdoing in private prisons — including, most notably, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales. The prison company, The GEO Group, was charged with three counts of murder and manslaughter. This is an ugly, complicated story, so let’s cut to the chase: how many South Texas prisoners has Dick Cheney had shipped up to his basement dungeon in the Naval Observatory for experiments? Read more on Dick Cheney And Alberto Gonzales Indicted For ‘Prison Profiteering’…
  heroes

More On Ted Stevens Being Screwed For Life

Today, a federal grand jury indicted Alaskan Sen. Ted Stevens on seven counts of “filing false financial disclosures.” Stevens is the biggest catch in a four-year-old corruption investigation involving pretty much all Alaskan politicians, one that’s complicated not because of the crimes committed — lots of bribery, basically — but because there was so freaking much crime to investigate. His indictment comes almost exactly a year after federal agents raided his home, and now he will go to jail and lose his Senate seat and remind everyone how evil the powerful Republicans are. Read more on More On Ted Stevens Being Screwed For Life…
  tubes in the clink

SENATOR TED STEVENS INDICTED: The elusive Alaskan snow leopard who brought you “a series of tubes” has been indicted by a federal grand jury in relation to a year-long corruption investigation. [McClatchy] Read more on …
 

Two Very Important Things To Know About Disgraced Congressman Rick Renzi

You know that congressman from Arizona who brought shame on his family of 12 children when he got indicted today in some very complicated scheme that had, unfortunately, nothing to do with attractive lobbyists or underaged congressional pages? Well, there are two things that make his long-anticipated “fall from grace” hilarious even if this scandal is not terribly sexy, gross, or weird. Read more on Two Very Important Things To Know About Disgraced Congressman Rick Renzi…
 

Rudy Giuliani’s Best Friend Will Be Indicted, Too

Rudy Giuliani’s best friend, future Secretary of Defense Bernard Kerik, has led a colorful life of being a convicted criminal, New York mobster and sex creep. Bernie also almost got the best mafia job of all, thanks to Rudy: handing out gazillions of federal dollars to “the family” as Bush’s director of the cash-cow Homeland Security Department. And now, once again, Kerik’s going to be indicted — this time by the Feds. Read more on Rudy Giuliani’s Best Friend Will Be Indicted, Too…
 

Mexicans Are Murder

* Things Mitt Romney also may not think are murder: peanut butter and jelly, basketball, fishing. [ElectionCentral] * The Iraqi police force is rife with “violent extremists,” making them at least as effective as the LAPD. [The Blotter] * It’s not the lying or incompetence or the inability to complete a sentence — it’s the goddamned Mexicans the GOP can’t stand. [MoJo] * Tony Blair is going to spend his retirement beating his wife, an expression of masculinity and control that she herself desires. She’s French. [Passport] * Indictment isn’t that big a deal. Just look what it did for Tom DeLay. [HuffPo] Read more on Mexicans Are Murder…
 

So That’s Why Cheney Won’t Return To America …

Is this just an “unfortunate photo placement,” as Wonkette operative “Gabriel” suggests, or is it a subtle message to the Dark Lord from federal prosecutors? Judge says local suspect will stand trial for sodomy [Bay City Times] Read more on So That’s Why Cheney Won’t Return To America ……
 

Wonkette’s Week in Review: Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

* The sandstone walls at 1600 Pennsylvania are bursting with beauty. We decided to play the wicked stepmother and ask, “Who’s the fairest of them all?” There are fine choices, whether you prefer men or women. In the off chance that you prefer to pass judgment using more than a thumbnail photo, we’ve even provided testimonials: boys here and girls here. Polls close Monday morning at 10, and for God’s sake no cheating please. Read more on Wonkette’s Week in Review: Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall…
 

Still Waiting

It’s the days when this job’s the easiest that it’s also the saddest. Seriously, a site named “eat crow dot org” and dedicated to clinging desperately to an unlucky guess in the face of all observable evidence could be beaten only by some hypothetical site of rabidly conservative amateurish web video called “Hot Air,” or something. But that would never exist. Right? Read more on Still Waiting…
 

Luskin Sez Fitzgerald Sez Rove’s Off the Hook

Dammit! Our use of that picture isn’t ironic anymore! Karl Rove, according to his lawyer, will not be indicted. We were skeptical of Rove indictment rumors way before it was cool, so we feel slightly vindicated, but also fucking depressed that there won’t be a big Rove show trial to entertain us next winter. We’ll have to make do with Scooter. Also, our skepticism wasn’t skeptical enough, as we predicted an indictment a couple dozen times, but so did everyone else in this town. Seriously, with the possible exception of Robert Luskin, everyone was predicting an eventual indictment, followed by aforementioned show trial, then acquittals and pardons all around. Read more on Luskin Sez Fitzgerald Sez Rove’s Off the Hook…
 

Karl Rove Indicted, Everyone With a Blog to Get Their Own Unicorn

Dearest Readers: “Truthout” is not quite the most trusted news source in our bloglines list. So, while they did announce on Saturday that Karl Rove has been indicted, we’re not particularly inclined to believe it, especially as it is now Monday, and not even Raw Story has picked it up. Sorry, better luck with your next bout of wishful (if slightly likely) speculation. Read more on Karl Rove Indicted, Everyone With a Blog to Get Their Own Unicorn…
 

Karl Rove Is Screwed (Probably)

So let’s recap: * Karl Rove testifies February 2004, conveniently leaving out the Matt Cooper conversation (how can you forget a conversation with THE FUNNIEST MAN IN WASHINGTON?) * Emails surface, conveniently late, detailing the conversations. * Rove changes his story. * Karl Rove testifies for three-and-a-half hours on his fifth appearance before the Grand Jury (tying Betty Currie!). * Karl Rove is friendly to Wonkette at a Fox party. Disconcertingly friendly. Read more on Karl Rove Is Screwed (Probably)…
 

Remainders: Leaps and Bounds

* Deep in the bowels of his fortified bunker, devilishly wringing his hands, Hu Jintao channels his best evil scientist: “Yes, yes, my plan is working perfectly.” [Peking Duck] * Whatcho gwon do Karl? When dey come for you? [Firedoglake] Read more on Remainders: Leaps and Bounds…
 

Because the Fifth Time Is A Charm?

C’mon, Pat — just shit or get off the pot: The suspense is just killing political junkies everywhere. We can barely think of anything else! In other news, Patrick Fitzgerald gave an exclusive interview to a high school newspaper: The Owl, the school paper of his alma mater, Regis High School in New York. Read more on Because the Fifth Time Is A Charm?…