Tag Archives: indians

  talkin 'bout miscegenation

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why No Sympathy For Suffering Of White Slaves, Who Had It The Worstest?

It has been a quiet week in our woebegone comments queue. Obviously, we’re not being outrageous enough; we’ll work on that. Fortunately, an older post attracted the attention of a reader who wanted to let us know that our understanding of the Old South is seriously skewed. In response to a piece we did back in July when Rush Limbaugh said that white people have never gotten sufficient credit for the awesome job they did of ending slavery, would-be commenter “sonyammmsavoy” added that Limbaugh has only scratched the surface, because the biggest victims of slavery were actually the whites (all spelling and punctuation guaranteed verbatim — nothing added, nothing corrected): Whites pick cotton side by side with the blacks and blacks were treated better then the whites the slave master good afford to kill us because whites slaves were cheaper so they didn’t mind beating whites and were were made to sleep outside and the blacks got the slave quarters . We didn’t know half of that stuff, possibly because we have never read the seminal work American History As Pulled Out of This One Guy’s Ass. And if you think that was something, check out sonyammmsavoy’s astonishing truths about the ugly history of rape and slavery (spoiler alert: whites become the victims). Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why No Sympathy For Suffering Of White Slaves, Who Had It The Worstest?…
  so many blessings

Rush Limbaugh’s Cool New Book For Kids Stars Rush Limbaugh And Is Better Than A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

Man, the holidays are really creeping up on us, aren’t they. First school starts, then Halloween, and then comes Thanksgiving. Have you thought about how to explain Thanksgiving to your children? A complex tale of European expansion, nascent American exceptionalism, native displacement…ahh, never mind. Just get them Rush Limbaugh’s Thanksgiving origin story book thingy so they learn all about real ‘Merican heroes just like Rush Limbaugh! Read more on Rush Limbaugh’s Cool New Book For Kids Stars Rush Limbaugh And Is Better Than A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving…
  What do you mean WE white man?

Bible-Humpers Have Major Sad That Movie About Tonto Not Actually About Jesus

Oh, Jesus H. Gerunding Christ, really? REALLY?!?! In an interview with The Christian Post, Dr. Ted Baehr, chairman of the Christian Film and Television Coalition and Editor-in-Chief of Movieguide, attacked [The Lone Ranger‘s] “strong mixed pagan, revisionist, politically correct worldview.” “The government is bad – the army is killing Indians – the bad guy is a businessman, the military-industrial complex is bad,” he explained, finishing the list with a notable exception – “the Christians are not always bad.” Nevertheless, “the pagan elements triumph because you’re looking at it from Tanto’s point of view.” He used “pagan” as a generic term for non-Christian, unidentified spirituality. “It’s not Buddhism, it’s not Hinduism, it’s a mishmash.” “There’s a lot of humor in the film, much at the expense of some of the Christians,” he added, also mentioning the villain “who prays in the name of Jesus before he goes off slaughtering people.” Aww, shit no, not a politically correct worldview in which the army killed Indians (but, like, didn’t the army actually kill Indians?) and the military-industrial complex is bad (but, like, isn’t it?) and the Indians do not pray to Jesus (but, like … oh fucking forget it already). Now, full disclosure, we have not seen this movie, and we understand from, like, all the reviews everywhere, that it is very bad and should feel bad, but we are pretty sure that portraying the army genociding Indians to death is not actually one of the reasons. Because, you know, that actually happened. And we are also pretty sure that portraying Indians in an insufficiently Christian light is also not one of the reasons because, um, the Indians were not actually Christians? We think? We will double-check our Howard Zinn, but we are pretty sure we’re right about this one. Read more on Bible-Humpers Have Major Sad That Movie About Tonto Not Actually About Jesus…
  pantheon of fallen heroes

A Special Wonkette Tribute To Fallen Senator Staple-Crotch, Massachusetts’s Own Scott Brown

It seems like just two months ago that we were in Tampa, Florida, hanging out with a bunch of Boston journos who explained, totally matter-of-factly, that it was a foregone conclusion that Senator Scott Brown (R-Playgirl) would handily beat sexy schoolmarm Elizabeth Warren in their #war for the senate. Why did they think that? “Because everybody likes him,” they explained. “He’s not a jerk.” Ah, but that was before Senator Brown shot himself in the stapled cock with his own arrow. Presumably working on the advice of Eric Fehrnstrom, who is very bad at his job, he quintupled down on an idiotic race-baiting campaign even after everyone in the world was all “the fuck, Scott Brown?” and then handed in a debate performance (with an assist from David Gregory) that was actually shocking in its bullying, shitty tone. Let us gather round for a War Dance of Remembrance! Read more on A Special Wonkette Tribute To Fallen Senator Staple-Crotch, Massachusetts’s Own Scott Brown…
  the professor and mary anne

Scott Brown: Did I Mention Elizabeth Warren Said She Is Indian?

Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown has a second ad out accusing Elizabeth Warren of being totally Indian or something — we can’t remember quite what the accusation is since we’re still a little gobsmacked that in The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Twelve, someone in the US of A is specifically running a campaign based on someone’s skin color with his own mouth instead of, like, Teabagger signs and anonymous robocalls. There must be some kind of polling showing that this attack is working, right? Somewhere? Because otherwise, continuing to beat the issue when the only person it’s hurting is you … well, that would be something Scott Brown would do probably! (WHAT WE ARE SAYING IS HE IS NOT VERY BRIGHT.) Read more on Scott Brown: Did I Mention Elizabeth Warren Said She Is Indian?…
  sure let's talk about this some more

Cherokee Nation Chief Would Like Brown’s Staff To Can It With The War Whoops

Hey, everybody, settle in and let’s hear a story about the great American state of Oklahoma. See, once upon a time there were Native Americans living in the Southeastern United States, and they said, “Hey, these white people moving in have some good ideas about society, maybe let’s live more like them!” And the white people were like “Ha, nice try, we’d actually prefer that you live more like us … in Oklahoma, maybe? Don’t worry, it’s not too far to walk. Then like 70 years later they said, “Well, could we maybe have our own state at least?” And Teddy Roosevelt was like “Nah, man, you should, uh, have a state with the white people living next door to you, and increasingly right there on the land we promised that was yours, yeah, that’ll work too.” Then a lot of the Native Americans were like “Fuck this noise” and married white people and stopped participating in tribal political life and such. But their kids and grandkids remembered they were Native Americans! Even though they had a lot of white ancestors too! But there still are tribal governments in Oklahoma, and every once in a while one of their leaders has to say “OK, Massholes, can it with the casual racism, please.” Read more on Cherokee Nation Chief Would Like Brown’s Staff To Can It With The War Whoops…
  the natives are restless

Scott Brown Sorry Elizabeth Warren Forced His Staffers To Do Indian War Whoops By Being Indian

Hey, remember when Scott Brown was all about being a “nice,” “bipartisan” guy, one whom Massholes could send to the US Senate — even though he was a Republican — because when confronted with, say, a starving homeless child, he didn’t automatically light that starving homeless child on fire? Yeah, that’s not really how he’s playing it now. Now he’s more of a “guy who’s flat out running a campaign based on the color of a person’s skin” type guy, aka “the type of guy who is losing.” See those awesome dudes above, doing tomahawk chops and Indian war cries? Yeah, those are all his top staffers. Read more on Scott Brown Sorry Elizabeth Warren Forced His Staffers To Do Indian War Whoops By Being Indian…
  dumb horrible people everywhere

RNC Official Furious At New Mexico Gov Disrespecting General Custer, By Meeting Indians

Today is Wonkette Manifest Destiny history day! Well, there was this General Custer once who got himself and all his men killed after killing a ton of Indians himself. New Mexico GOP lobbyist and prominent local RNC official Pat Rogers remembers this well. It sears his every moment of consciousness. And he is absolutely furious that New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez agreed to meet with American Indians. “The state is going to hell,” Rogers wrote in an email. “Col. Weh [Martinez’s 2010 primary opponent] would not have dishonored Col. Custer in this manner.” Uhhh… Read more on RNC Official Furious At New Mexico Gov Disrespecting General Custer, By Meeting Indians…
  it's morning in america

Tokyo Residents Hoard Bottled Water, Instant Noodles?

Growing hysteria about radiation-rich tap water deemed “unfit for babies” (someone’s picky!) has led to a bottled water shortage in Tokyo. And while supermarkets have plenty of vegetables and fine meats, there’s hardly any instant noodles to purchase — not even for ready money. (Similar to a glass of water, a Styrofoam cup of chicken-flavored chemical broth is an excellent way to replenish your precious bodily fluids.) Japanese authorities insist that “levels of radioactive iodine in tap water [are] above the safe level for babies,” so why won’t the babies stop with this nonsense? Radiation levels are totally normal in California and in surrounding states, so please don’t hoard bottled liquids (yet). [VOA] Read more on Tokyo Residents Hoard Bottled Water, Instant Noodles?… Read more on Tokyo Residents Hoard Bottled Water, Instant Noodles?…
  he'll kick you apart

10 Fun (Untrue?) Things You Didn’t Know About George Washington

Will this be the last President’s Day/George Washington/Sorta Lincoln holiday in America? Depends how the violent insurrections and crushing poverty and societal collapse go, over these next 12 months! So let’s remember our nation’s “First Dude” by compiling a listicle of 10 Sexy Tips To Drive George Washington Wild In Bed (“3: Somehow make him alive.”) or whatever, to honor the United States’ first “Warblogging President.” He crushed the blimey British like dried testicles under his manly boot heels, and that’s why we still put him on our most worthless piece of paper currency! 10. Lost all his teeth in a YouTube “teen cutting video” gone wrong. 9. Thanks to his long, bony middle finger (exactly like the nocturnal lemur known as the Aye-Aye), Colonel Washington was able to remove Benjamin Franklin’s gallstones through a tiny “keyhole incision,” thus inventing modern robotic-assisted surgery. (The finger was itself robotic, and built by David Bushnell, the same clever inventor who created “The Turtle,” America’s first war submarine.) Read more on 10 Fun (Untrue?) Things You Didn’t Know About George Washington…
  he is a disney princess!

AFA’s Bryan Fischer: ‘Pocahontas Shows What Could Have Been’

Woah woah woah, you guys thought Bryan Fischer hates Native Americans? Why would you ever think that? Would it be from all the columns he’s written about how they’re disgusting drunken savages with no morals who don’t deserve to live in this country? You’re an idiot. You know why? Bryan Fischer likes one (1) whole Indian: Pocahontas. Pocahontas, who was kidnapped by the English and converted to Christianity, is great because she got about as white as a brown person could get. So white she even took on a white name! “Rebecca, the former Pocahontas, showed us what could have been.” Yeah, if the settlers of America had simply kidnapped the Indians and forced them to convert and assimilate, they wouldn’t have had to murder almost all of them! Oh wait, no, the white people never did anything wrong, remember. Murdering was fine. It was the Indians’ fault. Read more on AFA’s Bryan Fischer: ‘Pocahontas Shows What Could Have Been’…
  bigotry late night

Bryan Fischer Finally Says Something Terrible Enough To Have Op-Ed Pulled

American Family Association resident expert/terrible human Bryan Fischer decided last week that it was okay for white people to take America from the Indians because Native Americans are savages. He’s a mercantile-charter strict constructionist, in other words. But apparently the Injuns found his ranch house and put their tomahawks to his scalp, because the preacher man removed the offending post from the AFA’s webzine. “I posted a column on the settlement of America by Europeans. The column generated so much intense, vitriolic and profane reaction that it threatened to take on a life of its own, and serve as a distraction to the fundamental mission of AFA,” he wrote. Way to go, you guys! Read more on Bryan Fischer Finally Says Something Terrible Enough To Have Op-Ed Pulled…
  dirty rain-dancing

AFA’s Bryan Fischer: Native Americans Have Never Had Morals

The American Family Association’s Chief Being Racist Correspondent Bryan Fischer has already warned us about Barack Obama giving America’s lands back to the Injuns. But did you know it never really belonged to them in the first place, because they didn’t have Christian “morals”? “Time eventually ran out for the Canaanites, because they filled up the full measure of their iniquity. Time ran out for the native American tribes for the same reason.” Those weren’t colonial muskets and smallpox blankets killing Indians. They were God’s muskets and smallpox blankets. No, this op-ed was not written in the 1600s. It was written 400 years later, because, wouldn’t you know it, current Native Americans are “guilty” of being just as immoral as those evil savages were. Read more on AFA’s Bryan Fischer: Native Americans Have Never Had Morals…
  they always take it back

AFA’s Bryan Fischer: ‘Obama Wants To Give America Back To the Indians’

The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer writes about important religious issues, so of course his attention today has turned to the heathen American Indians who were righteously defeated by the kind, ethical, Christian cowboys. American presidents have traditionally been pro-cowboy regarding this epic struggle. But then Barack Obama got elected. “President Obama wants to give the entire land mass of the United States of America back to the Indians,” Fischer says. “He wants Indian tribes to be our new overlords.” And what’s more, Obama is in league with the U.N., which owns property on the isle of Manhattan (formerly owned by Native Americans), to make this happen. Read more on AFA’s Bryan Fischer: ‘Obama Wants To Give America Back To the Indians’…
  a++++++

L@@K! Palin-Signed Racial Caricature Can Be Yours For Only $5K

Obviously, the most erotic thing anyone could possibly imagine would be actually touching the flesh of Sarah Palin, America’s sex goddess. But only Todd gets to do this, because Jesus united them in marriage and now no man or woman may come between their nude, aroused flesh. The closest a non-Todd person could get to touching Sarah Palin would be to touch a thing that she touched. Obviously Sarah doesn’t just go around touching things all day (mostly she is carried aloft on a litter by four oiled, nubile manservants), and therefore the number of Sarah-touched items is limited, and valuable. That’s why this college hockey jersey that Palin not only touched but wrote on (just like her hand!) is well worth the $4,850 price it’s already reached on eBay, with five more days to go in the auction! Read more on L@@K! Palin-Signed Racial Caricature Can Be Yours For Only $5K…
  it's morning in america

Nobody’s Bombing Anybody, At Least For Now

The U.S. has convinced its hotheaded friend Israel that it would take Iran a whole year to make a final push for a nuclear weapon, and that everyone would know about it a few weeks into that process; Obama’s top advisor on nuke stuff says “A year is a very long period of time.” Really, he says that! So now Israel probably isn’t going to up and bomb Iran anytime soon. Also, the Israelis and Palestinians are going to talk to each other again, and they’re totally 100 percent gonna work it out this time. Read more on Nobody’s Bombing Anybody, At Least For Now… Read more on Nobody’s Bombing Anybody, At Least For Now…
  then bet it all on black guy

Congress To Maybe Legalize Online Gambling For Your Uncle Ron

Congress likes to spend money. But sometimes they also think, “Wait, do we have any money?” And then they come up with an idea to make themselves a cool $20 or so, and then they get back to spending lots of money. We are witness to one such idea right now. Though they banned it just four years ago, the House Financial Services Committee let a bill go forward yesterday that would legalize online poker and other betting that is not on sports so that it can be taxed. And now, because of this vice, our children will be saved from debt forever. Read more on Congress To Maybe Legalize Online Gambling For Your Uncle Ron…
  salt lake city is for lovers

LATEST NIKKI HALEY SCANDAL: Did You Know She Isn’t Even WHITE??

At this point we’re all well acquainted with Nikki Haley, who’s running for the GOP nomination for governor in South Carolina, and who may have had hot sexx affairs with a political blogger (GROSS) and one of her rival’s consultants (at a “school-choice convention in Salt Lake City,” also GROSS). But now her campaign is being rocked by a much deeper accusation: that far from being a real South Carolinian whose ancestors came over from England in the 1720s to find freedom (or were kidnapped from Africa and forced to work for the ones who came from England), she may in fact be a “raghead,” according to a legitimately elected South Carolinian legislator! Read more on LATEST NIKKI HALEY SCANDAL: Did You Know She Isn’t Even WHITE??…
  what up

2010’s First ‘Michael Steele Morning’ Continues, Now He Says ‘Honest Injun’

Michael Steele and his book teevee tour, boy howdy! Here’s another quote to archive: “But that’s what’s gotten us into trouble, when we walked away from principle. Our platform is one of the best political documents that’s been written in the last 25 years. Honest Injun on that.” LEAVE BOBBY JINDAL ALONE! (Second sentence is actually funnier.) [Media Matters] Read more on 2010’s First ‘Michael Steele Morning’ Continues, Now He Says ‘Honest Injun’…
  turkey time in washington

Thanksgiving Wonkabout Style: Turducken For All

Some 400 years ago the Pilgrims and Indians dined together to celebrate a bountiful harvest, and then the nice Pilgrims gave the Indians smallpox blankets and killed just about all of them. To commemorate this glorious occurrence in our nation’s history, we get the Thanksgiving holiday, and if you’re sticking around and braving a visit from your family, don’t worry, there will be plenty of things to do in the District. Read more on Thanksgiving Wonkabout Style: Turducken For All…
  leftovers

Oh Right, Here Are Our Sexy War Parade Photos

It was not easy getting to this Inaugural Parade late in the day, yesterday, what with the monstrous piles of trash and dead bodies and fences seemingly blocking all pedestrian paths. But we did it for you, the dear reader, and stayed for like a whole five minutes before getting cold and running away forever. Click the clicky for pictures of warfare, orcs, Indians, and more black presidents. Read more on Oh Right, Here Are Our Sexy War Parade Photos…