Tag Archives: indiana

 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  We're Fresh Out Of Kittens Sorry

Who Are We Shooting This Week? Oh, It’s Girl Scouts!

The problem isn't guns, of course. It's never guns.
So let’s get straight to the good-ish news: Nine-year-old Sinai (pronounced “sih-NYE”) Miller, who was hit by a stray bullet from a drive-by shooting Tuesday while selling Girl Scout Cookies in Indianapolis, is going to be fine. You know, as fine as a 9-year-old girl can be after a gunshot wound to the leg. Also, people are ordering cookies from her Girl Scout troop like crazy, because that dizzy optimist Anne Frank was right about most people being good at heart, and if you can’t make it so a nine-year-old girl becomes un-shot, at least you can buy some goddamned cookies. It’s a profoundly decent useless gesture, which is about what we’re reduced to when we can’t really be shocked by a kid in a poor neighborhood catching a bullet. Read more on Who Are We Shooting This Week? Oh, It’s Girl Scouts!…
  The Wonkette Media Empire

Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette

Here at yr Wonkette, we’re always brainstorming new ways to amuse and confound you. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this thing! It is called The Weekend Stock Photo Report With Weekend S. Photo! It is kind of a video slide show of funny pictures that we are definitely allowed to use, and a voice-over that says funny things about the politics, and boy aren’t you a lucky duckie, huh? Read more on Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette…
  vote knope

Indiana Governor To Start Very Own Pravda, Hooray!

All the cool kids in Muncie wear these
We will comment on this further as soon as we manage to pick our jaws up off the floor: Gov. Mike Pence is starting a state-run taxpayer-funded news outlet that will make pre-written news stories available to Indiana media, as well as sometimes break news about his administration, according to documents obtained by The Indianapolis Star. Pence is planning in late February to launch “Just IN,” a website and news outlet that will feature stories and news releases written by state press secretaries and is being overseen by a former Indianapolis Star reporter, Bill McCleery. And don’t you worry, citizens. It’s NBD, honest. The Pence administration is describing it as “similar to the state’s current online calendar of news releases, but with a new design,” which doesn’t sound so terrible … until you read the state’s own description of this thing: Read more on Indiana Governor To Start Very Own Pravda, Hooray!…
  Sooo not fabulous

Indiana Republicans Will Not Eat Your Gayness, Sir, No They Will Not!

Jesus would totally bake you a cake
Now that it is 2015, it is time to swear in all of those state representatives we elected back in November. Remember that election? When we elected so many Republicans? And now Republicans hold both houses of the legislature and the governorship in 23 states and will be able to pass any laws they want? While Democrats hold that same majority in only seven states? Read more on Indiana Republicans Will Not Eat Your Gayness, Sir, No They Will Not!…
  A Noble Spirit Embiggens The Smallest Man

Indiana Governor To Poors: Eat This!

He seems nice.
Screenshot from Fox News Indiana Gov. Mike Pence has some thoughts about the poor, and those thoughts are quite inspiring! You see, what with more people entering the workforce, Indiana’s Family and Social Services Administration decided not to renew a waiver from work requirements for people on food stamps, because “welfare reform.” On Tuesday, Pence explained on Fox News that it’s only fair to require people to get jerbs or jerb training if they want to eat. And when Fox’s Brian Kilmeade asked, “How do you feel about people who say you are targeting poor people?” Pence had a reply that was just full of inspirational thoughts: Read more on Indiana Governor To Poors: Eat This!…
  Multitasking is hard

Indiana County Clerk Just Wants To Be Super Duper Sure About This Gay Marriage Thing

Maybe this would make it clearer?
You may have heard the obscure news that the Supreme Court recently told several states, including Indiana, that the justices really don’t want to hear any more whining about gay marriage, but did they really mean it? For some county clerks in Indiana, it just isn’t that clear. Read more on Indiana County Clerk Just Wants To Be Super Duper Sure About This Gay Marriage Thing…
  Open up and say awwwwww yeah

Gay Supreme Court Jams Gay Gay Marriage Down Red States’ Gay Gay Gay Throats (With Gayness)

A gaysplosion of gay all over gay America
The Supreme Court is sick and tired of your whining, red states, and does not even want to hear you cry about gay marriage anymore. The justices already told you your dumb marriage bans are dumb, and what part of “IT’S THE 21ST CENTURY, GET OVER IT ALREADY!!!” do you not understand? Read more on Gay Supreme Court Jams Gay Gay Marriage Down Red States’ Gay Gay Gay Throats (With Gayness)…
  Too Darn Hot

Congress Idiot Explains Global Warming’s Just A Scam To Make Scientists Rich

t's getting Hoth in herre, so take off every ZIG
You sort of have to admire Indiana congresslackwit Larry Bucshon for being an out and out global warming denier, since so many of his more sophistimacated Republican colleagues have decided to avoid the question with the “I’m not a scientist” dodge. No such shilly-shallying from Rep. Bucshon, no sir! He takes his science denial old school, thank you very much, and he doesn’t mind saying so. Read more on Congress Idiot Explains Global Warming’s Just A Scam To Make Scientists Rich…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Mitt Romney Is STILL Never Going To Be President, Pot Saves Lives, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

It is a day. Of the week. Here is some news: Mitt Romney gave an interview to Hugh Hewitt. He promised really a lot that he is not going to try to not be president for a third time, really, he swears, unless the entire Republican Party that never liked him begs him to run and lose again, pretty please, with a cherry on top. That is not going to happen. People are talking about it anyway. He’s still not going to be president. The end. Read more on Mitt Romney Is STILL Never Going To Be President, Pot Saves Lives, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  unholy matrimony

Federal Judges Ramming Atheist Wedding Officiants Down Indiana’s Throat

It’s been a rough couple years for good old traditional Jesus marriage. You had the Supreme Court make DOMA go away last year, and then pretty much every state, even the super-conservative ones, have been all like “sure, get gay married, whatevs.” Weirdly, the Republic has not yet collapsed, but the final straw probably just got laid atop America’s coffin, or some equally overheated metaphor, because the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals just ruled that godless atheists can perform wedding ceremonies in Indiana. America, you had a good run. Read more on Federal Judges Ramming Atheist Wedding Officiants Down Indiana’s Throat…
  Doin It And Doin It And Doin It Well

We Heard About The Lamest Orgy Ever In Your PM Happy Links!

Whew! A lot happened this afternoon over at Happy Nice Time People. Mainly, the Internet went INSANE on us for our earlier post, Please Stop Bragging About Your Husband On Facebook. People got so happy about it, and also so mad, all over the Internet! If you haven’t checked it out, you should obviously check it out. But also we heard a hilarious story and then yr Editrix was like, “You need to write that story up and call it ‘The Lamest Orgy'” so we DID, hahahahhahahahaha. Don’t worry, we hid the identities of the humans involved, because we did not know them. Read more on We Heard About The Lamest Orgy Ever In Your PM Happy Links!…
  Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay

Indiana Is Your New Gayest State Today! Hooray!

There are so many gay states in the union, but today Indiana is the gayest of all! That’s because a federal judge struck down Indiana’s same-sex marriage ban. And the Hoosiergays (this is their name) have ALREADY STARTED MARRYING! Read more on Indiana Is Your New Gayest State Today! Hooray!…
  our hero

Sovereign Citizen Guy Will Protect Us All From The Unending Tyranny Of Traffic Enforcement

Let’s face it: the sovereign citizen movement is generally either stupid or terrifying or both, so no one should be surprised to learn about this super cool sovereign citizen guy from Indiana who is just stone cold stomping around with a giant assault rifle to protest his traffic tickets. Ain’t America grand? Read more on Sovereign Citizen Guy Will Protect Us All From The Unending Tyranny Of Traffic Enforcement…
  midterm elections

Here Is Your Primary Election Wrap-Up, America!

The great pageant of democracy (or before our more excitable teabagger friends write in, “Our Constitutional Republic”) lurched forward yesterday and vomited forth a whole bunch of candidates for the fall general elections! Let’s wipe ‘em off and see what they look like — just don’t get too close. The big question on everybody’s mind: Is Victoria Jackson still in the running for a seat on the Williamson County Commission in Tennessee? She sure is, because she’s running as an independent! We guess there were some other elections, too. Read more on Here Is Your Primary Election Wrap-Up, America!…
  and furthermore get off my lawn

Senator Dan Coats Embraces Stereotypes Of Olds By Showing Up At Wrong Hearing And Asking Questions Anyway

Ever had an old person walk up to you on the street and ask you a completely bizarre question, like, “Why do all the apples send moonbeams into your brain?” No? Well, doesn’t happen to us either. But at a Senate hearing yesterday, David Cohen, undersecretary of treasury for terrorism and financial intelligence, was testifying and had that kind of experience when Indiana’s Sen. Dan Coats decided to ask a question, per WaPo: After he’d finished a lengthy opening to his question, a staffer slipped Coats a piece of paper. Coats read it to himself, looked up, and said, “I just got a note saying I’m at the wrong hearing.” AFTER the question? Coats will never win the Most Observant Senator Award. And we bet that some staffer somewhere is getting an expletive-laden lesson in how not to be a fuck-up. Read more on Senator Dan Coats Embraces Stereotypes Of Olds By Showing Up At Wrong Hearing And Asking Questions Anyway…
  santorum was right

Hero City Councilman Will Stop Man-on-Dog Sex In The Military By Posting Facebook Pictures Of Man-on-Dog Sex

South Bend, Indiana, City Councilman Henry Davis, Jr. just wanted to spark public debate about a matter of national policy that he was very concerned about, which is why he posted an “explicit photograph of a man and a dog” on his Facebook page Sunday, to call attention to a very important but nonexistent issue: a supposed loophole in the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” that makes it legal for members of the military to do sex with animals. Never mind that there is no such policy, which he could have found out with a little searching. But he was concerned, so the natural thing to do, obviously, was to post a dogfucking picture to Facebook. Read more on Hero City Councilman Will Stop Man-on-Dog Sex In The Military By Posting Facebook Pictures Of Man-on-Dog Sex…
  don't take your guns to town

Your Stupidity-Induced Gun Violence Double Feature Is Here

Another day, another “gun nut shoots self but hey guns are totally cool and safe” day, which is now all days ending in “y.” Freedumb! What have we got in the ol’ virtual mailbag today? Looks like some road rage self-perforation and some cop shoots himself good times. How do we possibly choose which one to talk about first? Coin flipped. Road rage guy kicks it off. According to the Orlando Sentinel, the man said he had been driving toward Orlando on Interstate-4 when another driver allegedly flashed a weapon after the two had some type of altercation. To protect himself, the man brandished his own handgun, causing it to discharge into his leg. Read more on Your Stupidity-Induced Gun Violence Double Feature Is Here…
  for i was hungry but you had an upscale clientele to think about

Free Enterprise Answer To Diner Serving Free Meals To Homeless: Get Stuffed

As we all know, Jesus doesn’t want big government feeding people, because some of the hungry might be bad people, and also because it gets in the way of people expressing their love for Jesus by volunteering on their own to feed people. And as anyone knows, we don’t need no stinkin’ government, because private individuals are always best at addressing local problems, with their can-do spirit and such. Like in Lafayette, Indiana, where Cherrie Buckley, owner of the Buttery Shelf Eatery, served free meals to all comers every Thursday, helping out the less fortunate and easing the burden on local food banks as well. And she didn’t ask for any praise or recognition, just wanted to do her part to help her community with individual initiative and a spirit of giving. And the free market saw this act of kindness and spoke clearly: other nearby businesses told Buckley to get rid of those smelly unsightly poor people, because they were terrible for business. And so Buttery Shelf announced in September that it was ending the free Thursday lunches, because while fighting hunger is nice, fighting bullies with lawyers is a real drag. Read more on Free Enterprise Answer To Diner Serving Free Meals To Homeless: Get Stuffed…
  rainbow nice time

Defense Secretary Hagel Rams Gay Servicemember Benefits Down National Guard’s Throats

Happy Gayvember, everyone! How is the Pentagon defying G_d today? Per Stars and Stripes: Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel on Thursday sharply criticized U.S. states that are defying the Pentagon by refusing to allow National Guard facilities to issue ID cards that enable same-sex spouses of military members to claim benefits. “This is wrong,” Hagel said in a speech in New York. Hooray for Nice Time! Let’s see how this is gonna get resolved.  Read more on Defense Secretary Hagel Rams Gay Servicemember Benefits Down National Guard’s Throats…
  won't Someone Think Around The Children?

A Children’s Treasury Of Children Injured By People Who Care About Children’s Safety

We are starting to think that maybe school safety demonstrations are not healthy for children, especially this “Red Ribbon Week” thing that’s supposed to scare them away from drugs. In California and Indiana, some exceptionally well-thought-out combinations of law enforcement and little kids didn’t go so great. On the upside, the kids at those schools got a free bonus demonstration of how EMTs and ambulance crews work. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Children Injured By People Who Care About Children’s Safety…