Those damn call center employees in India aren’t just taking away the livelihoods of dozens of flat-voiced Nebraskans away by working for pennies and successfully imitating our accents so callers don’t know that they’re Indian, they’re successfully mimicking American obesity! The Washington Post reports this morning to millions of cookie- and pie-addled readers that Americans aren’t alone in our cheerful and unhealthy fatness anymore, now that Indians sit around all day on their butts in front of their computers talking to us.

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If you’re an American and you read this site, you are almost certainly embarrassed by this nation’s government. Was it for this, you wonder, that our forefathers pledged their sacred honor to fight the tyrant British, or rose up to free themselves from bondage and discrimination, or travelled across the ocean with nothing but the clothes on their backs: so that we could live under a government where venality and corruption are the order of the day, where criminals make war for profit and a surprising number of powerful individuals use their influence to procure the favor of teenage boys? Wouldn’t we better off living somewhere, anywhere, but America? Don’t foreigners have it better than we do? MORE »

The slippery slide towards terrorists winning just got a little slippier! Just kidding. But still, some dude in India did marry a female dog (”bitch”) Sunday to atone for stoning two other dogs to death. I don’t know what that dumb bitch was thinking, marrying this ‘bag. MORE »

In October, the deputy mayor of New Delhi fell to his death in a monkey attack because monkeys? Not always cute. In fact, federal lawmakers demanded protection from the monkeys in May (because their government is possibly as ineffective as ours!) but no one is willing to run roughshod over the very religious Hindus who consider them sacred or the animal rights activists — except the monkeys, of course. Deputy police commissioner Jaspal Singh told the AFP, “As police we’re not experts in dealing with monkeys. We can deal with mad bulls but monkeys are more difficult.” I’m not sure I’ll find a better news quote today. [Yahoo News]

Meet the new Lou Dobbs: He’s still a smug, loud-mouthed Mexican-hating phony, but he’s also a Bangalore call-center worker. And instead of orange hair, he’s got normal brown hair. And he’s got an Indian accent — just listen to him roll those R’s when he says “America’s Broken Borders” 39 times per broadcast. MORE »

* Metro’s new general manager, John Catoe: “One thing that’s amazed me on my commute is the etiquette practiced by the customers during boarding. Everyone is very good about waiting for the train to unload before boarding. It is great to have that cooperation and it helps us keep the trains moving on time.” [Read Express]
* 1/3rd of DC is functionally illiterate. [Metroblogging DC]
* Sam Smith: “DCist, a website that provides Washington’s gentrifying class with superfluous aren’t-we-clever self-affirmation, dumped on a recent Washington Post article about gentrification in the city.” [City Desk]
* Little India in Woodley Park is not recommended, may have vermin infestation. [Rock Creek Rambler]
* Happy Bong Hits 4 Jesus Day, Kenneth Starr! [Big Sky Girl]

* Joint Chiefs wary of troop increase in Iraq, make their case to the White House, get accused of being too “focused on the mission.” [WP]
* Robert Gates is sworn in as Secretary of Defense, uses occasion to dig Rumsfeld. Plus one. [WP]
* Rudy Giuliani is about to find out how Christian conservatives feel about politicians that are “Made in New York City.” [WP]
* Big Juan Enrique was a lettuce pickin’ man, died with that arugula in his hand. [WSJ]
* Justice Department inquiry into detainee abuse runs into dead-end, produces no indictments. [NYT]
* Sam Brownback lays down and lets a nominee for the Federal bench proceed, expects a reach-around. [NYT]
* India’s nuclear program goes legit. [WP, NYT]
* Renovated White House “Situation Room” is substantially less impressive than those used by Bartlett, Bauer, and Blitzer. [NYT]

Vows to sit this one out too. MORE »

The National Journal’s Hotline has posted a video of Joe Biden at his Bidenest, spreading good cheer to all the delightfully-spotted foreheads in his neighborhood:

In thanking a young Indian-American man for the support of his Indian-American group, Sen. Biden touts how Indians are the fastest growing immigrant group in Delaware and says, “You CANNOT go into a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts without an Indian accent.”

And it’s not on the video, but we imagine that Joe went on to claim, “I also love that one god of yours, the one with all the arms… the elephant one? What’s his name? Baba Ganoush?” And his sure-to-be successful campaign for the presidency marches onward to the strains of a thousand sitars all playing in unison. MORE »

* House approves campaign finance legislation along party lines; new rules will primarily benefit Republicans. [WP]
* Rep. Tom DeLay’s departure “has emboldened centrists and conservatives to push their divergent views more assertively.” [NYT]
* Many Republicans facing reelection “are feeling voter wrath” over Iraq; voters are increasingly critical of pro-war stances. [WP]
* Senate Republicans near agreement on immigration but “showdown” will come this morning; legislation “would allow undocumented workers a path to lawful employment and citizenship if they could prove [that] they have been in the country for five years.” [WP, NYT, USAT, WT]
* Bush tries to shift attention to domestic issues; visits Connecticut to talk healthcare. [WP, NYT]
* Majority of federal budget –military and entitlement programs– cannot be reduced by lawmakers. [NYT]
* Conservatives see the fall of DeLay as “a setback and a warning for their movement” — “a big hole in their forces in Congress.” [NYT]

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* Duke Cunningham gets the longest sentence ever given to a congressman: 8 years and 4 months. MORE »