It’s easy to get your famous people confused. For the last week, we’ve been having to play the “ZZ Top or Dudes from Duck Dynasty” game like once a day, until we remember that ZZ Top did not say some fucked up racist bullshit (well, depending on just how fucked up and racist you think […]

Namaste! And Happy Hindu Festival of Lights, or Diwali, Wonketteers! Did you even know that Diwali is a thing that you are missing right now if you are not of the Hindu persuasion, or maybe Michelle Obama? Because Michelle Obama, Lady of all things First, knows it is Diwali, and is hosting a ceremony today, […]

We, as sinister far-left liberals, tend to believe in “fair trials,” “right to an attorney and due process,” “innocent until proven guilty” and all that other ACLU crap. Why, we even believe a lawyer must represent his clients to the best of his ability even when those clients are sickening monsters! Like, blah blah blah […]

Jim Hoft, who has reclaimed his status as the stupidest man on the internet after a brief hiatus, has determined that the continued existence of winter disproves global warming. Northern India has been hit with a cold spell that has killed 175 people, which kind of sucks for them, but more importantly proves that there […]

We heard such a good joke last night, you guys! Some real Absurdist Andy Kaufman-style next-level shit! It goes like this: so this chick is sleeping, and when she wakes up her boyfriend is making sweet love to her, all kissy and lovey with his penis in her vagina. Then she sees that it’s not […]

Huzzah! We’ve reached the Victorian Era in our 10th-grade World History textbook, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective. Funny how so much of the best world history in this book just happens to be British history, isn’t it? We’ll assume this is simple Anglophilia on the part of the editors, with no theological implications, […]

You know the drill by now: Every Sunday, we visit Christianist America, where Jesus delivered the Constitution to George Washington but now Christians are somehow a persecuted minority. This week’s travelogue comes courtesy of World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, 2nd Ed. (A Beka Book, 1997), a 10th-grade history text which the publisher’s website […]

Our favorite war right now is definitely India vs. Pakistan up on a glacier in the Himalayas, but it might be coming to an end. For those few who don’t know, India has been actually at war with Pakistan since 1984 (something to tell people when they raise the specter of India and Pakistan ever […]

Here is what most people know about Indian American governor Nikki Haley: she is the only human on Earth rumored to ever have sex with a political blogger, and she is the only minority female human on Earth ever to be the unfortunate ruler of South Carolina. What is a lesser-known fact about Haley is […]

Good morning, warmongers! Sunday marked eight years of Mission Accomplished in Iraq, and also the beginning of a fun new war in a different oil-rich nation, “Africa,” or something. We have been refreshing our RSS feed every thirty seconds for the last two hours, searching for some cheery news — “Barack Obama wins another Nobel […]

This week, Barack Obama went over to Asia to see what happens when a model minority owns an entire continent. He obvs already knew, because his hippie mom made him live there in some off-the-grid shack for a hot minute with a foreign non-daddy, but it was worth another look to see if anything had […]

Last week, our nation endured a great and brutal teabagging, and while Honest Patriots celebrated the victory with liters of corn syrup and victory speeches, the rest of America ran to quickly abort all its babies and hang out with any and all gay Mexican friends, all the while praying that Michelle Obama could bring […]

Some Indian officials working security on President Obama’s foreign trip thought they could restrict the number of White House pool reporters allowed into a photo-op with Obama and Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, lowering it from eight to five, and things predictably got violent. YOU DO NOT TELL AMERICANS THEY CAN HAVE FEWER THINGS THAN THE […]

Barack Obama is fleeing the country for a ten-day “please stop taking our jobs?” tour of India, Indonesia, South Korea and Japan. And there have been many accurate news reports suggesting that Obama is spending two hundred million dollars a day on this Gluttonous Asian Vacation: Our president does not pack lightly! According to Matt […]

President Obama will be embarking on a trip tomorrow to visit his real constituency — the world’s foreigners — to size up, as all American presidents do, potential countries to invade. But recently some local Muslim produce heard about his refusal to wear a Muslim head-covering and became radicalized. Officials in the Indian city of […]