Tag Archives: independence day

  dispatches from the wasteland

Lady Beaters, Fetus Shooters And Bar Fights: Your Florida Roundup (Is Extra Violent This Week)

Good morning/afternoon/whenever the Wonkette overlords click PUBLISH! This week’s Roundup is brought to you from our couch, because it is way too fuckin’ hot to go outside. (Bring on the Little Ice Age already.) Read more on Lady Beaters, Fetus Shooters And Bar Fights: Your Florida Roundup (Is Extra Violent This Week)…
  Coming Again To Save The Motherfuckin' Day

A Children’s Treasury Of Sexy Fourth Of July Patriotic Musical Videos

'Merca!
For your America Day enjoyment, we proudly present this retread/update of a 2011 post by “Wonkette Jr,” whose actual identity is lost to time — truly, we are standing on the shoulders of an unknown giant. Since not even YouTube is Forever, we also pruned the dead links and added all-new Patriotic Content! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Sexy Fourth Of July Patriotic Musical Videos…
  America saw him first

Majority Of Americans Agree God Loves America Best

And that's how America was made!
Here is some interesting news, as we U.S. Americans begin our annual weekend of getting real drunk and shooting off fireworks, due to something we read in a history book about America but can’t quite remember. (Muskets were involved.) Did you know that, according to 53% of Americans, our country has a “special relationship” with God? Take THAT, 195 other countries in the world, you all are just acquaintances with God, whereas He is taking US to the prom, and is going to ask us to gay marry Him any day now, WE JUST KNOW IT: Read more on Majority Of Americans Agree God Loves America Best…
  clipbait

John Oliver Reviews Every 4th Of July Fireworks Show In America (Video)

Last Week Tonight was off this weekend for Independence Day, or as they call it where John Oliver is from, “The Day of Colonial Aggression.” To make up for it, Oliver pre-recorded a brief tribute to every fireworks show in America, forever, explaining that in America we have a natural love for fireworks, since “they’re like sparkly guns you can shoot at the sky.” From his description of the frustrations of parking to the pointless applause for the fireworks as if we expected them to take a bow, Mr. Oliver has clearly proven his fitness to keep his green card. Oliver’s favorite fireworks are the ones that shoot off, travel a ways, and then unexpectedly go off in a furious detonation. “I love a slow explosion,” he says. “It reminds me of watching video of John McCain over time.” Read more on John Oliver Reviews Every 4th Of July Fireworks Show In America (Video)…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Thanks For Keeping America Free, Ted Nugent!

It’s a special 5th of July Derp Roundup, bringing you all the Red White and Blue idiocy we could scrape off our browser tabs. Please consume responsibly, and we hope that your pets are finally recovering from the barrage. Read more on Derp Roundup: Thanks For Keeping America Free, Ted Nugent!…
  hey baby it's the fourth of july

Rick Santorum Will Wish You A Happy Fourth Of July Whether You Want Him To Or Not

Rick Santorum manages to go 55 motherfucking seconds without insulting anyone — like, ANYONE, not gays, not dogs, not even ladies what work outside the home! — in this nice Fourth Of July message from his family to you. But how high are his bookend sons? (Answer: THEY ARE VERY HIGH.) Also, the Crying Girl has growed up reeeeal niiiice. Read more on Rick Santorum Will Wish You A Happy Fourth Of July Whether You Want Him To Or Not…
  they laughed at gandhi too you know

Adam Kokesh Cancels Big March, Continues Call For Revolution Maybe Next Year, Depending On How Things Go

Good news for anyone planning to spend the Fourth of July sweating in the gaseous humidity of our nation’s capital: gibbering baboon fart and one-time Ken Layne man-crush Adam Kokesh has cancelled his thousand-person-strong march of armed morons who love the Second Amendment so much they just can’t shut the fuck up about it, ever. Bad news for anyone planning to spend the Fourth of July in the capital of any one of our fifty-seven states: Kokesh is calling for his followers to instead march on each state capital to demand the dissolution of the federal government. Good luck with that! Kokesh is in jail in Philadelphia right now after being arrested for assaulting a police officer at a pro-marijuana legalization rally and has been denied bail on what his supporters claim are trumped-up charges. So in a savvy public-relations move, he made his announcement by calling the radio show of jabbering melon-head Pistol Pete Santilli, recently seen in these pages threatening to shoot Hillary Clinton in her Benghina for the crime of being Secretary of State when something bad happened in the world: Read more on Adam Kokesh Cancels Big March, Continues Call For Revolution Maybe Next Year, Depending On How Things Go…
  haters gotta make a buck

Kentucky Tea Party Sells ‘Yup, I’m A Racist’ Fourth of July T-Shirts

OH YEEHAW THA FORF OF JULY, time for the awful racist slobs of Lexington, Kentucky to put on their best “warding off the coloreds and the Muslins” finery in honor of Jesus, Hitler and Thomas Jefferson. Do you like seeing the hate-bomb that is puking all over the American flag, on this man’s t-shirt? Does it capture your patriotic spirit? He will sell you another, to wear to the parade!  This is how serious the birth control situation is in Kentucky, because broken condoms result in tragedies like this man, selling apparel to people who want to honor America’s founding dressed like hobo Klansmen. Were there even other tragic people interested in buying from him, or was his booth FOR SOME UNIMAGINABLE REASON labeled “Tea Party Fox News” on the front? SEE THE ANSWER after the jump: Read more on Kentucky Tea Party Sells ‘Yup, I’m A Racist’ Fourth of July T-Shirts…
  the fireworks are hailin' over little eden tonight

A Children’s Treasury of Fourth of July Patriotic Musical Videos

In case you fall off a diving board or something this weekend, and land on your head and forget what country you’re in, this is a pretty good weekend, because there will be a hundred or so American Flags wherever you look. Approximately 235 years ago today — the exact date has been lost to history — the last of a bloated group of landed gentry and elite slaveholders finished signing some rambling pile of grandiosity apparently authored by Thomas Jefferson during one of his rare respites from impregnating his slave girls. And in another twenty years or so, thanks to the French finally winning a war somewhere, America the Beautiful was born. Let’s celebrate with that most American of traditions, the YouTube blog post. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Fourth of July Patriotic Musical Videos…
  suck it england

Celebrate, America! 74% of You Know What Country We Declared Our Independence From!

Marist University saw that the Fourth of July was coming up and decided to commission a poll to show how stupid we all are. The question: “From which country did the United States win its independence?” Marist was surely expecting only 2% of Americans to know the answer. CNN.com was also prepared for the results with a “more than 1 in TK Americans don’t know which country America declared its independence from, the dumb freaks” story. Yet America surprised them all! SEVENTY-FOUR PERCENT OF US know the answer to the question! USA! USA! USA! Read more on Celebrate, America! 74% of You Know What Country We Declared Our Independence From!…
  at least he wasn't using twitter

OKAY THAT’S A LITTLE FANCIER THAN OUR FOURTH: “President Barack Obama took his own advice Saturday, relaxing on the Fourth of July with some golf, a cookout and a private Foo Fighters concert in the backyard, capped by the annual fireworks show on the National Mall.” [Baltimore Sun/Flickr] Read more on …
  why does sarah palin hate republicans?

Thanks For Ruining the Teabaggers’ 4th of July Party, Palin!

Courtesy of Wonkette commenter Atheist Nun, here’s your Fourth of July Blingee, featuring history’s lamest whining quitter. Whether Sarah Palin will be indicted and put in prison forever or not, we will always appreciate her, in our hearts, for ruining the teabaggers’ big plans to have all 500 teabaggers meet in a park somewhere to complain about having socialist parks where they can meet. Sorry, teabaggers! Happy Independence Day, everybody! Click the to watch Barack Obama’s happy July 4th video e-card! Read more on Thanks For Ruining the Teabaggers’ 4th of July Party, Palin!… Read more on Thanks For Ruining the Teabaggers’ 4th of July Party, Palin!…
  hey baby it's the fourth of july

Celebrate America This Weekend, Because That’s What You’re Supposed To Do

Thursday, July 2: To honor America for kicking ass since 1776, Z Burger out in Tenlytown is hosting a hamburger-eating contest starting at noon on Thursday. Whoever eats the most burgers in 10 minutes wins $1,500, among other prizes. Registration is already closed, but you should for sure go and watch the spectacle. Nothing says “Happy Independence Day” like people vomiting hamburgers. Our founding fathers would be so proud. [Z Burger] Read more on Celebrate America This Weekend, Because That’s What You’re Supposed To Do… Read more on Celebrate America This Weekend, Because That’s What You’re Supposed To Do…
 

Government Types Hold Alien Panel, Pull 9/11 Card

History will remember the 2008 Dennis Kucinich campaign for two things: his hot-ass wife Elizabeth, and bringing UFOs back into the political dialogue. Kucinich’s discussion of his UFO encounter during the last Democratic debate sparked a resurgence of very important questions about how our government is handling the “alien situation.” No, not Mexicans — like LEGIT aliens in flying saucers and shit. Last week, former Arizona Gov. Fife “The Fife” Symington wrote about his alien encounter after years of denying it. On Monday, The Fife was a key member of a UFO panel featuring experts with Air Force, NASA, FAA, Et Cetera and So Forth experience. Read more on Government Types Hold Alien Panel, Pull 9/11 Card…
 

Crappy Concert, Stupid Events Mark Nation’s Saddest July 4th

Nothing says “America” like “Tony Danza.” The dumb, talentless star of “Joanie Loves Chachi” is the big attraction at tomorrow’s A Capitol Fourth thing. Of course it will be an absolute hassle to get anywhere near The Mall on Wednesday, due to the usual post-9/11 let’s-make-everybody-miserable security bullshit plus the added hysteria of OH MY GOD SOMEBODY DROVE A JEEP INTO THE WALL OF AN AIRPORT, IN SCOTLAND, AND NOBODY WAS KILLED. But for the brave morons who willingly get herded around by a bunch of fat psychopathic Homeland Security Guards in the horrible humid heat for hours until they’re finally pushed to some remote corner of dirt about a mile from the stage, what will be the reward? Read more on Crappy Concert, Stupid Events Mark Nation’s Saddest July 4th…