It was not easy getting to this Inaugural Parade late in the day, yesterday, what with the monstrous piles of trash and dead bodies and fences seemingly blocking all pedestrian paths. But we did it for you, the dear reader, and stayed for like a whole five minutes before getting cold and running away forever. Click the clicky for pictures of warfare, orcs, Indians, and more black presidents. MORE »

Hey, anybody remember anything special that happened yesterday? Any big events? Because if you are a newspaper editor, you know that the article you put on page 1 above the fold tends to be about really important, major developments, “big events,” if you will, such as the inauguration of America’s first black president. That’s why pretty much every paper in the WORLD put Obama on its front page this morning, because what else were they going to write about? What could possibly be more important than this completely historic and singular event? MORE »

• Obama will get to keep his precious BlackBerry after all, except he be using some weird fancy encrypted BlackBerry that Michelle will buy for him from J.Crew. [Marc Ambinder]
• The victims of yesterday’s tragic inconvenience, in which some earnest hippies were stuck underground for a bit and then later turned away from their Inauguration “seats”, have started a totally unexpected Facebook group. These people are the real heroes. [Ben Smith]
• National idiot Chris Wallace isn’t sure that this Barack Obama is technically even President, what his native Muslim tongue being unable to properly pronounce our American words in their decent, Christian order. [Crooks and Liars]
• People pretty much agree that the Benediction was way better than Warren’s Invocation because Warren would not shut up about Jesus [Christ] and Lowery was pleasingly vague. [AMERICAblog]
• The confirmation of Eric Holder was supposed to be a done deal today, but Republicans want to delay a bit so that he will not jail the entire government for all their dedicated years of torturing. [Politico]

Oddly enough, this is how we conclude grace around the Wonkette “dinner table” (i.e. oil drum full of burning trash). Thanks to operative Jack for sending along this lovely photo from yesterday’s festivities, where Oprah Winfrey was appointed Permanent Empress of Earth.

• BARS OPEN UNTIL 4 A.M.! Where will you drink for these next four magic hours? Overshare in the comments, nerds. Wonkette is now headed to Capitol Lounge for beers #73-#89, if anyone cares. [Capitol Lounge]

• CRYPTIC DISPATCH FROM CHILDREN’S BALL: A Wonkette child operative writes this horrifying message about the kid’s ball, at which Barry and Michelle just slow-danced: “Youth ball is under siege: They aren’t letting people in and the crowd is on the brink of crshing.” Hmm, we do not know this latest youth slang, “crshing.” Is that what they call sniffing the stuff under the sink these days?

Fellow Americans! As you can see above, your Comics Curmudgeon survived his journey into one of Washington’s many terrifying underground doom caves (where they really were singing “God Bless America,” followed by about thirty seconds of “Lean On Me,” until they ran out of widely known lyrics) when the glowing radiance of Barack Obama’s spiritual form appeared and lifted us to safety. What other miraculous and wondrous things would appear on this most blessed of days? MORE »

One of two things happened to Washington D.C. this afternoon: (1) Obama’s friends the Muslims snuck in one of those dirty bombs they make all the time and blew it up around Constitution and 5th, raining toxic waste debris across a five-block radius so as to kill Christians (2) Tourists threw their shit all over the ground. Maybe there is a Third Way… but yeah, #2, kill them all. MORE »

From his cushy, all-seeing perch in the bucolic deserts of California, Wonkette editor Ken Layne forced your modest associate editor to walk into the HELLISH acid pool that is downtown Washington D.C. to take photos of Obama and whatever. (If you decide to do this later tonight, one piece of advice: when encountering tourists, punch them.) We did take several “good” photos, though, which will be revealed in a series of thematic posts. Hooray! At least one of these will be up in the near future, and then we are going into the microwave for a few hours, to thaw. Oh and yeah, this painting, it’s Obama and his black friends as cowboys. Almost bought it, pussied out.

• OBAMA’S FIRST VICTIMS? Prehistoric klansman Robert Byrd and/or Liberal Lion Ted Kennedy collapsed during the Congressional Lunch with the new president! Yikes. The lunch goes on. Be careful in there, everybody. UPDATE: Both of them! UPDATE II: No, just Teddy. [Politico]

COMICS CURMUDGEON INFILTRATES HALF-MUSLIN MALL MOB! Yes he did! Josh got in, and here is his tragic report: “Yes We Did! Near the monument. Screen distant, audio inaudible no cell reception. Got here in time to boo Lieberman.” Spoken like a true American Hero. Good luck getting home to Baltimore in a few weeks, Josh! Hope you like eating frozen rats! (Also Newell is trying to find you, where are you?) MORE »