Hey if your Verizon phone and the people responsible for its maintenance have been terrorizing you logistically and emotionally, you just earned Ten Recession Dollars. [WTOP] MORE »

One thing Republicans like to do is send racist shit to each other, whether funny black-face minstrel songs about the “magic negro” (the president) or funny newsletters about the watermelon and fried chicken certain black people (the president) always consume, or especially funny racist jokes about how black people are so lazy but they sho’ nuff gets to shufflin’ mighty quickly comes ta pass a colored (the president) becomes the president. MORE »

• If you were denied your basic human right to attend the Inauguration thanks to “severe logistical breakdowns,” you could be eligible to receive a photo of all the fun you missed on Barry’s special day! [DCist]
• Hey listen up hippies: your all-natural trail mix has diseases. [WTOP]
• Jill, Michelle and Fentys Adrian and “his wife” ate food together at Georgia Brown’s. [DC Examiner]
• Dialectic of enlightenment: Overbearing parents have now become internet trolls in an attempt to prevent their own kids’ school districts ability to function. [Washington Post]
• Rahm Emanuel is telling George Stephanopoulos, King of Lilliput, important secrets on the phone every morning. [Fishbowl DC]

What, exactly, has White House photographer Pete Souza captured in this shot? Maybe it’s after the last of the 10 dances at 10 inaugural balls. White tie, who even approved that? Anyway, here is your new president, handsome and smiling some 12 hours after he took the (first) oath of office.

AMERICA’S NEW CAPITAL: “Like most everyone in D.C., I haven’t exactly been following the news since Tuesday. When you’re having sushi and champagne for breakfast, with Beyonce, you’re not really going to be checking up on Wolf Blitzer or Andrew Sullivan or whatever.” [AOL Political Machine]

• In-the-tank National Park Service is reporting that 1.8 million people attended Barry’s Inauguration, but some people think the real number was closer to 1 million, meaning Obama is not even technically President. [DC Examiner]
• Fannie Mae is laying off hundreds of people, most of whom live and work — well, used to anyway — in DC. [WTOP]
• United Medical Center is once again an accredited hospital thanks to a $30 million bailout and the benevolent specter of Dr. Surgeon General Sanjay Gupta, M.D. [Washington Post]
• The Presidential Inaugural Committee is handing out free leftover programs from the Inauguration to street hobos (95% of American families) — to boil the programs and eat them between two Saltines — and the ill-fated “purple ticket holders” who to this day are still being held in a bunker in Berlin. [DCist]
• US News is launching an exciting “digital newsweekly”, and online version of the magazine that readers can access on their own “personal computers” (or “PCs” in binary code). [Fishbowl DC]

Look. We all know that Barack Obama is not an American human anyway, so he’ll never *really* be president if you care about, oh we don’t know, FACTS. But the sheeple have accepted him and so we must find other “mainstream” ways to have him ousted from office, at which point Ron Paul’s reign will finally be recognized for eternity and he will give us all Gold. The “flubbed oath” thing seemed like a good angle — clearly John Roberts was trying to tell us something about this man — but then Nobama’s goons eliminated that. So here’s the latest thing we’ll try: it turns out that the “live music” performed at Inauguration by Yo Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman was in fact recorded, because they were worried their precious fingers would freeze and they’d screw up. And now Obama’s not president! MORE »

A fortnight or deux hath passed since our last installment of “Fridays with Peggy,” for one must endure days of insomnia and procure a boat-ship’s worth of les stimulati — what they in the Scientific Trade know as Amphet-a-Mines — to pen an adequate Noonington critique, and it hath taken many a seven-day to locate a sufficiently inventoried Medick. Let us not waste Reagan’s dear time today, then, to reach the so-called “heart” of the matter. In today’s Opinion-Editorial for the plutocratic Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet, Mme. Noonanshirehobbit discusses the Africkan who now controls the military, and other less important levers of power, of l’Empire Amerique. Mme. herself flew on a mechanical falcon, or Aer-Plane, to attend the Africkan’s coup. And once she veritably boarded the Aer-Plane, it was as if she had in fact veritably been transmitted by Iehovah to the Ebon Heart of Rhodesia — for she found herself surrounded by even more Africkans! How didst our Princess escape this JUNGLE? MORE »

Hey look our Liz Glover is all growed up! Now that she works for the Moonie Times her interviews have to be “serious,” so whereas before she might have asked the mayor some obnoxious question like, “Do you like balls?” she instead asked him how much money Washington DC made off the inauguration. Journalism! [TheNewsRoom]

We have no idea who the people behind “Funny or Die” are… but apparently they are very well connected in Hollywood and Washington? This thing has its moments, such as Mike Gravel quietly reading the Pentagon Papers and Madame Peggington Noonanshire simply showing her Shining face. [via Fishbowl DC]

Oh, well this could be a picture of ANYTHING. Obama is still not president, everyone. You can’t have your official witness of a second oath be a painting of television’s Patrick Duffy. (He frequently lies.) [NYT/White House]