Tag Archives: important programming announcements

  businesslady jobcreating entrepreneurin'

Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
With now FIVE FULL-TIME STAFFERS, your Wonkette is … we’re not sure, but we think half as big as Twitchy now? So if you need a dumb, unclever, rightwing take on stupid tweets telling libtards SNAP and THEY ARE BURNT, we could do that halfway for you! Read more on Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change…
  are you going to san francisco?

We’re Always Drunk In San Francisco: Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Great Northwest Great World Tour

classic wonker
Hey Wonkcats and kittens! A gentle reminder that we will be buying you drinks (or you will be buying us drinks? WHO CAN KNOW?) in San Francisco, this coming Thursday, just six little short days from today! Read more on We’re Always Drunk In San Francisco: Your Wonkette Drinky Thing Great Northwest Great World Tour…
  jerbcreating businesslady entrepreneuring

BREAKING Wonkette Exclusive: As Of Now, Kaili Is In Control Here

Please remain calm
This just in: Kaili Joy Gray has gone MAD with power and promoted herself to executive editor of Wonkette. (Yes, apparently that’s something you can do. Who knew?) Bwahahahahahaha. What does this mean for you, dear readers? Pretty much nothing at all, you probably won’t even notice the difference. We will still be your favorite mommyblog recipe hub with dick jokes. You’re welcome. Read more on BREAKING Wonkette Exclusive: As Of Now, Kaili Is In Control Here…
  give him some money

HappyNiceTimePeople Has Died. HappyNiceTimePeople Has Risen

Oh hey, ‘member when we murdered our cute sweet little sister site, HappyNiceTimePeople.com, with a hammer in its cute little kitten head? Well some nice fella — Rick, we guess? — apparently didn’t know what to do with all his hard-earned money, so we did him a favor and relieved him of it. Well, money and a Panera gift card, because this nice fella Rick knows how to seal a deal, and that is by buying us sandwiches. Read more on HappyNiceTimePeople Has Died. HappyNiceTimePeople Has Risen…
  down for everyone or just me?

Oh Hey We Hired A Person Again

Ladies and gentlemen, wonkers and wonkarinas, we are very pleased to announce that we have hired your comrade ShyPixel to fix all the shit at this here computery site. He will fix it all, the plaguey performance issues, the 2000 pounds of shit I stuffed into a five-pound website, and all the other things we have been doin’ wrong for the past two years and change. (Basically, we never even got an oil change, and then didn’t understand why our tranny blew?) (We do not know how transmissions work.) Baby baby baby gonna feel so fast and good, you know, like a sex thing. (We do not know how sex works.) Read more on Oh Hey We Hired A Person Again…
  not afraid to be servicey

How To Cancel Your Wonkette Subscription, And Other Important Answers To Terrible Questions

Today we at Wonkette received a very important question that was very stupidly sent to our tipline, to which we can’t actually reply as it is anonymized, so we figured instead of responding to the asker, which we can’t, we would respond to all of you. That question is, “How do I cancel my subscription?” We’re here to help! Read more on How To Cancel Your Wonkette Subscription, And Other Important Answers To Terrible Questions…
  help us help you help us

Announcing The Wonkommittee, Which Is A Really Bad Name, Anyway, We Need You To Help Us Hire Some People

Hey fuckers. You may think that just because you “read our blog” and “send us money” and maybe “make the funny in the comments” that your work here is done. INCORRECT. Your work here is just beginning. Read more on Announcing The Wonkommittee, Which Is A Really Bad Name, Anyway, We Need You To Help Us Hire Some People…
  never go with a hippie to a second location

Cancel All Your Friday Nights: MSNBC To Present ‘Scream At Stews With Alec Baldwin’

Ahem: Mediaite has learned from a senior source in the cable news industry with knowledge of MSNBC’s programming that actor Alec Baldwin is getting his own weekly show in MSNBC’s primetime lineup. According to our source, the so far untitled show will air Fridays at 10 p.m. ET and will feature a large dose of Baldwin’s outspoken liberal politics. Read more on Cancel All Your Friday Nights: MSNBC To Present ‘Scream At Stews With Alec Baldwin’…
  being boring

Let’s Applaud Elizabeth Warren And John McCain For Their Bank Bill Before Lobbyists Murder It To Death

In a valiant effort to undo one of the regulatory fuckups that led to the 2007-08 financial crisis, a bipartisan group of senators has introduced a bill that would reinstate some of the provisions of the New Deal-era Glass-Steagall Act, requiring banks to separate their retail banking functions from their riskier investment activities, essentially forcing most big banks to split into smaller entities. The bill is sponsored by Wonkette Permanent Nerdlust Object Elizabeth Warren, Washington Sen. Maria Cantwell, Sen. Angus King of Maine, and, in one of his mystifying periodic lurches toward responsible governing, by Sen. John McCain (R-Walnuts). Does the “21st Century Glass-Steagall Act” have a chance of becoming law? Hahaha, we actually asked that question out loud, didn’t we? Read more on Let’s Applaud Elizabeth Warren And John McCain For Their Bank Bill Before Lobbyists Murder It To Death…
  jew look like a tiger

Wonkette Seeks to Make Out With Every Member of Miami Sound Machine This Weekend

So remember how we said we were NEVER THROWING ANOTHER PARTY AGAIN, EVER, and in fact did you notice that we still have not put up our pictures from our Norman, Dallas, and Austin Wonk Your Face Off Drinky Things and Orgies? They were 17 years ago now, and we are still tired. Read more on Wonkette Seeks to Make Out With Every Member of Miami Sound Machine This Weekend…
  live news girls

Dan Savage Talks Dirty To Wonkette Live At 1 P.M. Eastern

And you still have OVER FOUR HOURS to buy his book and read at least part of it! That is what we did yesterday — up to Chapter Seven, bitches! — as did Doktor Zoom, when both of us were all HEY, ISN’T THE DAN SAVAGE LIVE CHAT TOMORROW? And then Doktor Zoom thought there was a typo in the very first sentence, but then discovered that diaconate is in fact a word and deaconate is in fact NOT a word, despite the fact that everyone uses it because they are stupid and wrong, and then Doktor Zoom made us promise not to tell Dan Savage he had thought Savage had a typo in his very first sentence, and then either Alex or DDM said he (Doktor Zoom) should watch it, look what Dan Savage did to Rick Santorum, not to mention Gary Bauer, also, too. Read more on Dan Savage Talks Dirty To Wonkette Live At 1 P.M. Eastern…