Tag Archives: immigration

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin To Save All The Anchor Babies From Mean Obama, Wait What?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Let’s see, which warmed-over, 30-day-old story should we choose for this week’s Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker? Oooh, this one looks fun! It’s a video about “maternity hotels,” which are places in U.S. America where THE YELLOW MENACE comes to pop out their job-stealing anchor babbies. The Tundra Grifter is right to point out that this odious practice ought to be banned, and you’d think she’d be pleased to hear that President Nobummer raided 37 “maternity hotels” in California last month. Ha ha, the idea that Sarah Palin would give Barack Obama credit for doing what she said he should do, this is famous joke among Yr Wonket’s people. Let’s go to the tape! Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin To Save All The Anchor Babies From Mean Obama, Wait What?…
 

President Scott Walker Will Overwhelm ISIS With Sheer Weight Of His Flip Flops

flippin' ain't easy
Scott Walker, Wisconsin’s governor and yet another 2016 presidential hopeful, is once again groovin’ to the sweet sounds of the Immigration Metronome. According to the Wall Street Journal, while at a private dinner with a group of New Hampshire Republicans, Walker floated the possibility of a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. If this is really the case, it could be a pretty bold move for a Comic Sans candidate who, as recently as this month, is on the record against “amnesty” in any form. Read more on President Scott Walker Will Overwhelm ISIS With Sheer Weight Of His Flip Flops…
  Next: The Inevitable Drunken Make-Up Sex

Glenn Beck Breaks Up With GOP, Won’t Return Any LPs They Bought Together

Who'll get custody of the Butthurt?
Oh dear. This is going to make for some awkward Thanksgiving dinners, we bet: Glenn Beck is done with the Republican Party because he just can’t stand how they keep cheating on him. On his radio programme Wednesday, Mr. Beck told the GOP that it’s not him, it’s them: Read more on Glenn Beck Breaks Up With GOP, Won’t Return Any LPs They Bought Together…
  she's still got it

Michele Bachmann Tattles On Illegal-Lovin’ GOP To Her Friend, An Invisible Lion

She tried to warn us
Have you been missing former Rep. Michele Bachmann since she retired to be president of the United States of Cheap Gas? Us too! And it seems she might be regretting her retirement, because hoo boy, those morons in the House are absolutely lost without her. In an EXCLUSIVE! interview with WND, Bachmann predicted that the 2016 presidential election has already been lost, thanks to those know-nothing turncoat Republicans who sold out their party and America. No, no, she’s not talking about the traitorous love letter to Iran. Don’t be silly! Read more on Michele Bachmann Tattles On Illegal-Lovin’ GOP To Her Friend, An Invisible Lion…
  Kiss Kiss Boehng Boehng

John Boehner: Kiss Your Homeland Security Goodbye, America

He really loves us
It’s Friday, and you know what that means: knocking off early, going to happy hour, and the federal government partially shutting down a major cabinet department because Republicans are mad at Obama and really want to teach him a lesson by shooting themselves in the foot. If Congress doesn’t pass some kind of funding bill by midnight, the Department of Homeland Security goes into shutdown mode, meaning that nonessential workers in any number of agencies are furloughed, except that DHS has so many essential agencies that a lot of people in the TSA, Border Patrol, and even the Coast Guard will still be working, just without pay. So at least the TSA people at the airport will have a reason to be extra surly, whee. Read more on John Boehner: Kiss Your Homeland Security Goodbye, America…
  Still No Vaccine For Stupid Yet

Georgia Congresscrank Never Vaccinated His Kids And They All Turned Out Mostly OK

He's a real hot item, Loudermilk
Yet another Republican has gone on the record in favor of infectious diseases. At a town hall meeting last week in Cartersville, Georgia, freshman Rep. Barry Loudermilk explained that he thinks vaccinations should not be mandatory, because none of his unvaccinated children ever caught anything that killed them. Why, yes, Loudermilk is a member of the House Science and Technology Committee. Why do you ask? Read more on Georgia Congresscrank Never Vaccinated His Kids And They All Turned Out Mostly OK…
  McConnell cries uncle

Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding

Being a grown up is hard
Remember when Republicans were going to teach President Obama a lesson by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security until he apologized for not hating immigrants? And the plan was to keep holding a vote on the same bill over and over and over again, no matter how many times Senate Democrats said “hell nope,” because that would really show them! That was the brilliant GOP strategy as recently as Monday, when Congress returned from vacay to hold a vote on the same bill for the fourth time, which failed for the fourth time because Republicans are slow learners who have no new ideas and suck at governing and also math. Read more on Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding…
  Here have some news n stuff

Not-Racist Mississippi Gent Very Sorry Now For All That Not-Racism

According to his notes, he's very sorry now
Hooray, we have defeated racism once again! It seems like it was just days ago that Mississippi state Rep. Gene Alday (R-Even Though Democrats Are The REAL Racists) was still trying to justify his charming reflections on coming “from a town where all the blacks are getting food stamps and what I call ‘welfare crazy checks.'” Oh right! That’s because it was on Monday, of this very same week, that he said those comments were supposed to be “off the record.” Plus, the reporter who’d cornered him into saying that stuff had called him “late at night,” and everyone knows how easily racism rolls right off the tongue after sundown. Not that it was racism, mind you, because as Alday was insisting up until a second ago, “I didn’t do anything wrong. The guy made me look like a fool.” So, per the standard procedure of Racist Dude Says Racist Thing, after “out of context” and “I’m not sorry cuz I didn’t do nothin’ wrong,” we have the sincere and very credible apology: Read more on Not-Racist Mississippi Gent Very Sorry Now For All That Not-Racism…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  Ecce Jocko Homo

Vermont Proposes Official Latin Motto, Wingnuts Tell Vermont To Go Back To Mexico

Now write it down a hundred times. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Here’s a sweet little story of Democracy in Action. A bright eighth grader writes to her state legislator with an idea for a law: Vermont doesn’t have an official Latin motto, so why not adopt one? And for that matter, make it a reference to history? Neato! Read more on Vermont Proposes Official Latin Motto, Wingnuts Tell Vermont To Go Back To Mexico…
  No Requests For 'Coal Miner's Daughter'So Far

Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General

Still claims not to be Eric Holder, reportedly has not yet died of old age
Wednesday was the first day of Loretta Lynch’s confirmation hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and so far, it looks like Republicans may consider her too “nominated by Barack Obama” to be confirmed as attorney general. In a fairly basic bit of identity clarification, Ms. Lynch claimed, in response to a question from Texas Sen. John Cornyn, that she is in fact a wholly different human being than the current attorney general: Read more on Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General…
  build the dang fence around congress

Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans

He's in charge here
Some days we almost feel sorry for John Boehner, what with having to herd the feral cat farm that is the House Republican caucus while simultaneously convincing the Beltway’s Very Serious People that he, too, is a Very Serious Person who wants to Get Things Done and Has Ideas and Jobs, Jobs, Jobs. So when the feral cats are demanding that he Impeach!!!1! over the fake Benghazi scandal or the fake IRS scandal or Obamacare or not deporting all the Messicans or not having the proper amount of melanin for a POTUS, The Boehner has to find a way to mollify the raving, addled lunatics who would just as soon depose him and arrest the president for TREASON, without looking like a raving, addled lunatic himself, lest he lose the power and position he clearly holds so dear. Read more on Republicans Suing Obama Again, This Time About The Mexicans…
  Can We Afford To Let Obama Return From Overseas?

Wingnuts Pretty Sure It Was Illegals What Gave Measles To All Our Unvaccinated Kids

Too subtle?
Break out the ominous creepyscary music of your choice — we’re partial to Bernard Hermann ourselves — because it’s time to tell some scary horror stories about the California measles outbreak! So far, at least 78 confirmed cases have been disagnosed across 7 states and Mexico; 48 of those have been traced to Disneyland or Disney California Adventure since the outbreak was first identified, and public health officials say that the large number of unvaccinated people is a main cause of the virus’s widespread transmission. Read more on Wingnuts Pretty Sure It Was Illegals What Gave Measles To All Our Unvaccinated Kids…
  It's the Derp-Derpiest Time Of The Year

Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place

Bachmann kept trying to get the Riddler into Conversion Therapy
Oh, dear lord, Iowa is going to be like a superdense mass of Dumb this weekend, as Rep. Steve King and Citizens United host the “Iowa Freedom Summit” — kind of a Moronic Convergence of rightwing political hacks all coming together to hang out with the man who proclaimed that DREAM Act kids were mostly “drug mules with thighs calves the size of cantaloupes” [how quickly we forget!] and who fretted about the president hosting a “deportable” at the State of the Union. Read more on Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place…
  The Grownups Are Talking Dear

Louie Gohmert Defeated! Adults In Charge! Eat Your Pets!

We’re Americans, and when life throws us lemons, we make lemonade, so get out the apron and light up the old barbecue, ’cause it’s time for some good old down-home “Moo Goo Dog Pan,” Louie Gohmert style. Sure, it sounds bad at first, but think of it like rape, say with a ten inch plastic vaginal probe, something you just have to lie back, close your eyes and enjoy when it happens to you, and eating your pets is happening to you, ’cause Louie Gohmert isn’t going to be Speaker of the House, and we owe those commie bastards in China money, because Obama. Read more on Louie Gohmert Defeated! Adults In Charge! Eat Your Pets!…
  Going-Away Present

Reindeer-Farming Congressman Acts Sane, Counters With Impeachment Bill

We'll always have reindeer
Wonkette readers have been kept well-informed about reindeer-farming Michigan congressman Kerry Bentivolio — from before he even officially won his 2012 election, when this site identified him as a potential heir to Michele Bachmann‘s Krazy Krown, to the raving retrospective when Bentivolio lost his primary this August. Read more on Reindeer-Farming Congressman Acts Sane, Counters With Impeachment Bill…
  strange fruit

These Real Patriotic Americans Just Want To Hang Obama From A Tree Is All

KKKlassy
Everyone knows that it was Jesus who wrote the Constitution, and what better way to exercise your biblical rights to petition your government than to gather half a dozen like-minded ‘Mericans outside the White House to have a good chuckle about killing the president? Read more on These Real Patriotic Americans Just Want To Hang Obama From A Tree Is All…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: The Economy’s Pretty Good, So Let’s Shut Down The Government

Get it? 'Going up'? Look, they can't all be inspired. -- The Maddow graphics team.
Hey, look! Turns out the economy’s doing pretty well, what with yet another good jobs report and some pretty nice economic growth charts for Democratic presidents — even that Obama fellow, except of course for that unpleasantness in 2009 that started under some other guy: 2014 has seen more jobs created than in any year since 1999, which seems like a pretty compelling reason to fire all the Democrats in Congress last month. But despite their electoral gain, Republicans seem pretty confused about what to do next — so as they are traditionally required to, they are going to war with each other. Read more on Morning Maddow: The Economy’s Pretty Good, So Let’s Shut Down The Government…
  She so S-M-R-T

Bristol Palin Says Her Mom Invented Impeachment, You’re Welcome

Constitutional expert up in here
via Bristol’s FacePlace page Yes, most people in ‘Merica agree that impeaching the president for thinking he’s some kind of president or something would be a really stupid idea, but Bristol Palin’s ghost blogger wants you to know it was Bristol’s mom’s stupid idea first: Read more on Bristol Palin Says Her Mom Invented Impeachment, You’re Welcome…